Amazing Break: So Far, So Good

i really can see no negatives in my break thus far. certainly i miss folks from back at school, but it is good to be apart for short periods of time. relationships strengthen that way. but being home has been full of good times. i'm both learning a great deal, and i'm having a good time with my friends. i suppose the one discomfort on my mind is where the money for next semester is going to come from, but God will provide for me. He always has.

my general day starts off with an alarm from my cell phone... being that i forgot to bring my alarm from school home. the cell phone works well though because it tricks my subconscious in to thinking that someone is trying to call me, and when people try to call me, my heart rate increases to both find out who it is, and to answer. this little "pavlov's dog" manuver helps me get my day started off right. i've been waking up at around 9 o'clock due to obligations, but i haven't missed sleeping in. frankly i don't get tired to much while i'm home. there's alot less here to consume my energy. after i wake up though, i generally enjoy a nice long shower, but no breakfast. i'm still too lazy to cook when i wake up... uh... but anyways i eat a big lunch and dinner to make up for it. as i have previously mentioned, i am house sitting right now, so my second step for a successful day requires me to prevent myself from locking myself out of the house in my pajamas again. this happened over the summer once, but if it happens again, i will surley freeze to death.

the average day has consited of me driving around quite a bit though. i've been trying to keep my money spending down, but i fear gas prices are going to end up slaying me in the end. it just seems like everything i have to do is in the opposite direction of the previous task. not to worry though. i enjoy driving. meeting up with my friends has been most encouraging. i get a chance to catch back up with everyone and just to hang out like old times. i find that i have been excluded from the loop though and probably because i'm the only one i know from here that goes to school in tennessee. no worries. after all, i chose to go there and i don't regret it.

in my being home though, i've decided to make a few attempts at change. i've been doing alot of serious thinking invovling my status as a human being. i think i'm going to be doing some vast improvements over the course of this next semester. i plan on undertaking a much larger task than simply working out though. i plan on concentrating on all four of my bodily makeups. i will concentrate on my physical, mental, spiritual, and soul status. i know it seems like a cliche thing to do around the new year, but i'll try to be serious and committed for it. i've got alot of motivation behind me. i want to physically be somewhat more appealing for the ladies (and by ladies, i mean lady)... and ur... yeah... but that's just one motivation. mentally, spiritually, and soulfully i want to be all i can in order to do what God has put me on this earth to do. though i'm not sure as of yet what that entails, i am ever anxious to find out.

i have thought though that this break will not be near long enough. i suspect i have alot of work to do before i will feel confident in going back to school, but God will complete in me just what it is that needs to be completed in this time. i am confident in that. until then i have many things to look forward to, the first of which is Christmas. the day after Christman, andy, kevin, eric, and i get to lead worship for church, and we get a whole 30 minutes. i am ultra excited about that because i feel truly confident that God will work wonders through that half hour. things are just falling in to place so gracefully, and in such short time. i mean the rehersal tonight was absoluetely amazing. it will be different though. definitaly something that the church as a whole is not used to. this also excites me though in that i am privilaged enough to introduce new styles of worship to people.

anyways, i'm going to get ready for bed now. the guys are over here, brian and brandon. we've been hanging out for a while, but now i'm beat. i will keep you informed the best i can as to how the rest of this week will transpire. i trust it will be above average. peace and love.

What Have I DONE!

this is not good. i have successfully screwed up my entire sleep equilibrium. how, might you ask? because i am a duface... that's how. after church this morning i got tired and took a two hour nap. that was all fine and good, and i woke up and did my christmas shopping with brandon, phill, and andy. after that i went home, had some super great hotwings for dinner, watched a movie with my folks, and came back here to the house i am watching so that i could take care of the dogs. after the dogs were tended to, i got bored... this is where i made the fatal error. it was only ten o'clock (nine o'clock in the time i'm used to) and i felt too tired to call someone up and do something, so i settled down for the night. now it is 1:30 in the morning, and i am wide-eyed because i went to sleep at a time i would usually take a nap at school. my body didn't think i was going to sleep for the night, but just for a few hours. unfortunately this is not a dorm. no one is up doing stuff but me. i am the only one here. the entire town... is closed. i could pop in a movie, but i've seen them all. i've tried laying still, but i just can't fall back asleep. i don't know... i'll figure something out. maybe i'll run really fast head first into a wall or something. that aughtta take care of it. but i need some sleep because i have a big day tomorrow. i'm going to pick my uncle up from the airport and then i'm going to my grandparents' house for the rest of the day. other than that though, not much planned. i'm still lookin for work, but to no avail as of yet. i've got alot of decision making to do while i'm home too. i mean BIG decisions. decisions that for sure alter my entire life! in short... the best kind. i'm not worried at all. i feel so stress free right now it makes me sick! not really, but you know... maybe i will just pop in a movie or somethin... get some ice cream, heat up some popcorn... why worry about sleep. i run on so little as it is. peace and love y'all.

Back Home For Christmas

i'm back home, and i feel pretty good. those few days at school after exams, though seemingly pointless, were actually quite useful in that they prepared me to relax. if you were wondering, all RAs had to stay for four days after exams while everyone else checks out because we were the ones doing the checking out. though most everyone left tuesday for home, we stayed until saturday doing pretty much nothing but laying around and watching movies. after all, checking someone out isn't the most strenuous of tasks. it might take all of five minutes depending whether or not they are moving out permanently. coming home last night was difficult though. the drive is long and the cd's are few. i had to choose my music carefully because some of the stuff i have just makes me want to curl up in a warm ball and go to sleep, which could quite possibly compromise my trip home just a bit. the other stuff i have makes me want to lift weights and rip the heads off of barbie dolls... this is what i was limited to on the trip home. rolling down the window off and on also prooved to be most stimulating. my most prized tactic, however, is audibly telling jokes to myself that i make up on the spot. when i'm by myself and tired, everything has potential to be funny... even almost being pulled by highway patroll. this is key. but all-in-all i made it home yet again without a ticket and without killing anyone or myself. when i walked in the door my family was decorating the tree and watching christmas vacation. these are two of the most symbolic acts a family can partake in over the holiday season, and we were doing both at the same time. it wasn't for long though. soon the topic came to me and house sitting. was i supposed to go tonight or not? after a few phone calls... here i am. i'm watching two dogs to make sure they don't freeze to death. it's a difficult task because i don't know just how cold a dog can get. i'll probably let them sleep inside tonight, but they seemed fine last night outside. whatever though. i'm sure they'll be fine. i did read white fang... i know what they're capable of. but anyways... the town is different as usual, but i'll adapt. it really is differnt. kinda like living in a different country. at school just about everybody i communicate with, see, and interact with, are my age. now i have the total age spectrum to deal with. it's kinda weird in that sense. i have to re-tone my social skills to fit that of different generations. house sitting is just what i need though. it keeps me from sliding back into high school mode because it keeps me responsible. the downside is that it's only for a week, so i'd better have some kind of responsibility to fall back on soon, or i'm doomed to a lower maturity level. i'm sure something will come up. anyways, i'm going to rest for a bit and go christmas shopping. i hate shopping, but it's really only once a year, so it's no big deal. i can live with it. talk to y'all later. peace and love.

The Decisions I've Made

from the title, you've probably guessed that i've been making a few decisions lately. you'd be right in your assumption because i indeed have. i don't really want to talk about the decisions themselves though. instead, i'd rather discuss the principle behind a decision. there are some things that you decide that are easy, and sometimes you encounter hard decisions, and sometimes when you encounter a difficult decision you make the decision to not make a decision. most of you regular readers know that i believe that each decision one makes has the potential for an enormous effect on his or her future, as well as the future of those around them. it's a principle better known as the butterfly effect. having realized this, making decisions now is only more difficult, especially the hard ones. it seems like saying the words is the easiest part, though that is hard in itself. but the true difficulty comes from sticking to your word. soon after you make such decisions, temptations can ensue that challenge it. soon you don't even know if the decision you made was wise or not. afterall, you feel even more miserable now than before.

for me, the battle i face involves strength i fear i don't have, though i immagined i did at the outset. it's as if i were swimming accross a vast amount of water to a distant island only to find half way that i neither have the strength to finish, nor the hope of getting back. alone my thoughts are a torment, but in company i feel as if i have none at all. for the first bit, i played it off rather well though. i received compliments because people were under the impression that i felt better than usual while all along it was simply my pride attempting to save me from public conversation. now it is not so easy to hide. i find myself unfit for being alone and at the same time, unfit for company. it is the most difficult type of decision to make of them all. it requires the conquering of memory. for me, memory is one of my greatest strengths. i remember the things that made me feel alive especially, and i hold on to them. now it is up to me to force those memories into something of a dream, something nice that happened, but then again... didn't really happen.

i have experienced this before. i know the steps involved. it's like any sickness though in that everybody has their home remedies. i suppose it's just the kind of decision that you make where you hope and pray that you are wrong, but when you see that it makes someone else better, you know that you are right. it is in that that i face the largest paradox. in any other case, i sort of enjoy being right, and i also enjoy making other people feel better, but when making others feel better requires self sacrifice of happiness... it's just difficult, and i do not enjoy being right at all. there are some pains that i pray the Lord take, and He does, but then there are others such as this one that i pray, and nothing changes. in this... i am confused... not in the Will of the Lord, but in my decision. did i do what was right, and if i did, why does it feel so horrible, and when will the good of it be revealed? the answers to these and many other questions i know not, but i do know that going to sleep helps a little bit. peace and love...

The Days Seem Not to End

as many of you know, and many of you share the same grievances, this is exam week. it is a time when one is the most vulnerbable. you can be made or broken with but an hour put off from your studies. needless to say, it has been a bit unfcomfortable for the past few days, and will continue to be so untill the semester comes to its graceless end. i'm getting done what needs to be done though, as hard as that is. it's so easy to get stuck on unimportant things here though. i've been starving myself from most forms of entertainment, but i've still got so much to do.

that's a common theme among any college student right now though. but what's going on in my life that's out of the ordinary. not much i'd have to admit. and that's funny because considering what i go through outside of campus, alot is going on out of the ordinary, but for me, here... it just seems normal. normal stress, normal good times, normal... everything. i'm waiting for a meteor to fall out of the sky one night, completely obliterate the science building, and force the school into class cancelations. now that would be something of note. i tell you no lie though. all we really need here is some theme music, and college could be a movie. it's rediculous... it truly is. so many people staggaring around with torn brains, torn bodies, and torn emotions. one could almost swear that this was a war zone. i, however, am finding my way out of all of that. i wish i could explain even half of what is going on in my life right now to you. it's amazing yet at the same time tradgic. i'm becoming more alive but yet dying at the same time. i've been thinking alot about what things could become as opposed to what they will become on my current path. it's a scarry thought, but life is a scarry life, as many of us are figuring out.

anyways, i'm gunna head out. i've got lots of studying to do. three exams on thursday and one exam next tuesday. hope all is well where you reside. peace and love...

All in the Perspective

it's funny the way we perceive life sometimes. it's a lesson i've been learning all week. for mere human beings with only a three-dimensional understanding, we sure credit ourselves for knowing alot of stuff when we really don't know anything at all. often times we jump to conclusions or maybe we just see things in a negative light. you can look at any situation just as you can look at any person and you can see whatever it is you want to see. it's almost like looking at a painting or reading poetry. the artist or author may have an intended purpose for the work, but you see in it what you want to. and so we go about our busy lives every day, doing the things that must be done. we see life from a perspective. now this perspective is quite complex in its stucture and can be noted as having great sway over our character. what do you see in a day? at the end of the day when someone asks you genuinly how your day was and you tell them, what is it that you pick out? alot of times we only think about the bad things that have happened to us, and some days that can be really easy. for me, i have the hardest time being positive on a cold rainy day with early classes, a heavy work load, and lots of extracarricular stuff to do. if something bad happens to me on top of that, i feel almost cheated, and i aquire a sort of bitterness. but what's the problem here. it's not the exterior, but the interior that is at fault.

i would dare say that there are just as many, if not more, positive things that happen to you on your worst day, than there are bad. now of course i'm willing to elasticise this statement being that there are some pretty bad days out there, but 99.9% of it is perspective. my theory is that we look past the things that are good maybe because they are regular and comfortable to us. it's sort of like that principle i can't remember the name of that involves our nervouse system. when you wear cloths, for example, you initially feel those cloths sliding on, but a few seconds later, you are totally, except for the idea that you are wearing cloths, unaware of their presence. this can be changed with simple concentration, but the reason this is so is because if we felt everything on the surface of our skin, our brains would overload and we would go nuts. irregularities are the only sensations the brain takes note of. try to apply that understanding now to your life. think about all of the good things you have that you either take for granted, or that you have become numb to because of their regularity. you're so comforable and snug in your "blanket of goodness" we shall call it, that you just don't notice it anymore. now the irregularities that come about are comonly negative to your perspective, and being that you have become numb to the positive in your life, your mind has a whole lot of capacity to focus on these few bad things, blowing them way out of proportion.

immagine with me, if you will, that you have just gotten out of the shower, you get dry and then go to the laundry room to put on nice, freshly dried undies, socks, pants, and a shirt. all of the sudden, a ninja flies out from behind the dryer and karate punches you in the face FOR NO GOOD REASON. Are you still thinking about how nice that shower was and how great those cloths felt? NO! at the end of the day when someone asks you how things went, you're probably going to say "horrible! i got punched in the face by a ninja FOR NO GOOD REASON!"

now immagine on a more serious level. the police come to your house, arrest you for unknown charges, drag you to jail away from your family, your bed, and your meals. there, you sit in a hole with no running water, no heating, air, or ventilation. you are now... uncomfortable. this is officially a negative experience. why? because now you are aware of what comforts you had because they are gone. now you can see just how many good things you posessed. you are, in a sense, "naked".

so now we have to have an attitude check. are we really that conceited and prideful? i know i can be. we take things for granted often times because we feel like we deserve them, when the truth is, we deserve nothing. each one of us knows that in our innermost core. the question is whether or not we take that seriosly. the truth of the matter is "The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away." none of our comforatbilities are eternal except for the knowledge and faith we have in Jesus. everything you have can potentially be erased tomorrow.

summarize: in conclusion, i'd say negative attitudes are conceited and prideful. the trick is keeping your mind tuned to the positive things, not taking any one thing for granted. on cold rainy days with lots to do, you have to attempt to find good hiding even in the apparently bad situations, and when no good can be found, you should then attempt to dwarf its size by the blessings you have received and are aware of. piont in case: Job. he had everything taken away from him and STILL praised God. he saw that what little he had still surpassed the negative occurances in his life. that is something i truly aspire to. Paul also talks about contentment in all things which is another aspiration of mine. for now though, i'm probably going to hit the sack and sleep in all day tomorrow. i'm going to have to do my laundry soon, so i hope no ninjas are hiding in the basement. but seriously think about that. it's been an interesting train of thought for me this week that i thought i might share with you. peace and love.

Sickness

so i've learned this semester one important lesson. you can always tell who cares about you and who doesn't. there are people who say they do but don't mean it and then there are those who can't say it but you can just tell. the ones who truly care for you are the ones who keep track of you. when you hurt, they're the first in line, when you're tired they're the first in line, when you have something exciting to tell someone, they're the first in line. they genuinly want to know more about you. the ones who don't... well... don't. they just stay around you maybe because they think they can get something off of you or maybe they just feel guilty if they don't. in any sense, it's an important lesson to learn. who are your friends and who aren't.

being sick for the past few days has been suprisingly good for me. it's kept my mind off of things that i shouldn't be wasting time thinking about. exams are coming up soon which is bad, but atleast i'll be focused on my objective instead of zoned out all of the time. i found out that i have the flu though. hope i haven't made anyone sick... but it's really not all that bad. i don't ever throw up which is a good thing. it makes any sickness i ever get that much easier to deal with. i'm not currently at the "go to the nurse" stage yet, but if i get there, it'll be my last resort. i enjoy fighting off sickness by myself. no medicine, no doctors... unless of course it is a serious sickness. i don't quite consider the flu to be serious though. strep throat, yes... pnemonia... yes... colds and flus and other bugs... no way.

i've got alot of catching up to do though before i can safely end this week. it's going to be busy and it's going to kick my butt in the midst of my illness, but i don't care. after being home for thanksgiving i've been hurled into a different mindset. i'm here to complete one objective and one objective only. when i'm done with that, i'm going home and i won't look back for another month. peace and love

Thanksgiving Break

It was wonderful, the break that is. I was sick for its entirity, but I didn't care. I got to see just about everybody I know and am related to this break. Fall Break didn't fill that void. Most everyone was still at school while Belmont was having its Fall Break. My days consisted of sleepin in until noon, waking, and going out to visit the town. The nights were long, just the way I like them. Most of them I spent at Karl's house with the boys and the fire pit, but I did go bowling with the entire old church group which was quite fun. I even bowled well, which is a rarity for me. It was just one of those trips though. I was actually quite confused for the majority of it. There were the few occasions where I was able to take my mind off of life, but not many. I found out that while I was away, my boss, not my manager (the boss is higher up the ladder) for my summer job died of a heart attack a few weeks ago. The city flew its flags at half mast for a week when it happened. That made me feel kinda weird. I also found out that one of my friends is engaged to be married this summer. Yet another blow. Church this morning was also awkward in that there were so many new faces who thought I was a stranger, and so many old faces missing. Home is just different, or maybe it's just me. either way, the trip back to Belmont today wasn't so bad. I had cd's to listen to and cookies that Brittany made. It seemed to hit me slowly though as I crept back closer and closer to Nashville. All of the things I had left behind to go on break. I suddenly started to remember them. The stresses of my job, the stresses of school, and the stresses of other situations. I decided then and there that I would not feed off of that. I would instead keep the feelings I had aquired over break and just hang on for as long as I can. There's only two more weeks until Christmas Break, but those two weeks will be long and difficult. I will say this though, but vaguely because those of you whom I discussed this with will be able to understand it, and those are the only ones who need to know for now. But before I left, nay, after Fall Break, I knew something was going to happen over this break that I wouldn't neccissarily like, but that I knew had to happen. Note that I had no control over this, and it didn't even happen near by, but from what I can gather, my assumptions were correct. I must say that I am hurt, but it is a healthy hurt if that makes any sense. But I have joy though, and the definition of joy, as I learned this morning, is to know that all is right because God is God and I am not. This much I understand, and it is my strength to finish off the rest of exams. In the grand scheme of things I'm not at all worried about my exams. I know I will do my best. I'm just working on having that point of view in all aspects of life. But anyways, as I walked in to my room tonight to unpack, I found a mess. It seemed quite ironic to me in that I came back to a mess. I feel the same in every other way. But my heater sprung a leak over break, I'd guess for about three days. My floor is soaked and there is a stench that cannot be defined coming from my carpet. I am still strong though. I'm still wearing a smile on my face because I know a secret, and secrets should be kept. Peace and Love...

Long Time Come to an End

It's been a long semester, and I've tried to write as often as I can, but it's almost over. I'm glad though. I mean, I've wasted alot of time this semester, and I've made my share of mistakes, and the new semester is a time to start over. I guess it's not quite done yet, but I leave for Thanksgiving break tomorrow at 2, and when I come back all we have are exams and then I'm outta here for a month. Thanksgiving will be good though. There are things which will come to pass over break that won't be exactly wonderful, but they must happen and in the long run I will be happy. I mean, it's not going to happen to me at MY home, but it's inevitable all the same. I also will get to see everybody I missed over fall break which will be refreshing. Now I have finished most of my work and am about to turn in. Wow! I just got a bloody nose. Yeah, I've also been fighting off sickness this week which hasn't been fun, but that's part of life. It's nothing serious. Just a bit of cold like symptoms better known as college cough. But anyways, tomorrow I have a paper to turn in, a quiz to take, and then I'm outta here. I still need to register for classes though. Yeah, I couldn't register until today because of a hold on my account, but I didn't have enough time today. It doesn't really matter now though. All of the classes that are going to be filled up were filled up last week. I'm suprisingly not too stressed about anything right now. I feel the same now as I did those last few days of my senior year in high school... nothing at all. I am in the kind of mood where I will accept anything that happens to me and move on as if it never occured. I suppose it's a good and bad feeling all wrapped up in one. It's good in that I feel no pain, but bad in that I feel no happiness either. I'm in a coma, just waiting for the sun to peak back through the clouds. I'm just waiting for something new and exciting to happen. I'm waiting for news, for new experiences, for new love. This not going anywhere that I've been doing for the past semester in all aspects of life is just driving me insane! I have learned the meaning of patience though. Either good things come to those who wait, or they have wasted there time. God will show me in due time though. Where I am supposed to be and what I am supposed to be doing will be revealed in due time, that I am confident in, and I'm not afraid anymore. Again, I'm ready to accept anything that might come my way. I mean I'm a little bit thick headed, so it might take a bit of head knocking to get me to understand what it is that I must do, but God knows that. He made me this hard headed. Anyways, I have to get back to work. I'm not quite done everything yet, but I hope to be shortly. I'll see all of my family and friends tomorrow, so until then, peace and love.

My Day

i danced at Arby's tonight for dinner, and in return i got free food. the end. peace and love.

Thank You Lord for Camping Trips

I love the outdoors. I find God, peace, and myself there so well. It's because when I'm outside and away from this thing called civilization, there are no distractions. It's you and the most natural form of creation, along with anyone else that might be there. In this case it was my fraternity brothers. We had a great bonding experience. Our camping trips are always so meaningful even in the most difficult circumstances. The talk this time was a bit more serious in nature, which I appreciate, but during the day I learned alot more about myself.

I saw this huge oak tree in the middle of a field and some missletoe at the top. I thought to myself how neat of a gift or keepsake that would be, as most people have only seen plastic missletoe, including myself. I was a bit nervous at first, but i swallowed it and climbed the tree. After all, it was the highest tree I've ever climbed before. Around half way up I looked down and realized the dangers of my situation. Any mistake at that point would have been fatal, and it was really windy at the top of that hill at the top of that tree. I almost turned back, but then, I have a real problem with giving up. So I climbed the rest of the tree and grabbed a hunk of missletoe by the hand and cut it with my pocket knife. On the way back down, on the very last branch about 7 feet high, i got a cramp in my leg and fell. It was an amazing adventure for me atlest, maybe not to you. But the lesson learned here was based on fear. I've always known that fear is a debilitating emotion, but I never had such a clear cut example of it. I could have turned back in all rationality, and I probably would have forgotten about the missletoe by now but I wanted to proove something, either to myself or to someone else. Fear was the only thing that put me in danger in that situation. I had the full physical capability to climb that tree up and down a few times without faltering, but the fear made me hesitant and THAT was where the danger originated. When you are climbing and you plant your foot down on a ledge, you must be confident in that ledge and your footing or you will slip and fall. Half way up the tree I decided to be confident instead of fearful. The next thing I learned is why women kiss guys under a missletoe. It's because if the guy picked it... then it took lots of strength and guts, so he probably deserves it. I made that note somewhere between falling out of the last limb, and landing on my back.

The trip also yielded an opportunity for me to use my creativity. A car ened up getting stuck in the mud and we had to solve the puzzle of getting it out. I LOVE doing stuff like that. It's weird, the things I consider fun, but I like challenges like that, and helping people. We ended up using two car jacks to get the front tires out of the mud so we could put boards under them. It worked and we all had a great time.

Football wasn't that fun for me to begin with. I get really compedative when I play sports, so generally I don't like to, especially when I'm getting beat like nothing else. But I ended up just letting go. Sure I was tired, sure we had no hope of winning, but that wasn't the point. The point was the company.

At night, Matt, Scott, and I slept outside the tents under the star lit sky by the fire. It was incredible! I haven't seen that many stars since I slept out under em in Guatemala four years ago on the top of that mountain with the windmill. We learned how to tell time by the placement of Orion in the sky. He's the easiest one for me to find, followed by Taurus and the Big Dipper. Earth is also going through the Leonite Meteor ring right now, so we were able to see lots of shooting stars. I counted 19 myself.

It was cold though. It was real cold at night when the fire died down, but suprisingly I slept fairly well considering. I was the desire to compete with nature that kept me going. I told you I am compedatively based. Competition is fun for me. Challenge is fun for me, and whether I emerge victorious or I fail, I always learn something new. Just to let you in on how cold it was, there was a pond near by that froze over. Also this morning when I woke up, my pillow was covered in frost except for where my head was.

So all in all, though this weekend was very tiring, it was also quite enjoyable and meaningful. In this estrogen pool (I'm not saying that in a sexist sense) known as Belmont University, a man's true calling and wild nature is often discouraged, and over time, extinguished. Going out to the wilderness and surviving by chopping wood and kindling a fire re-ignites the fire in our hearts as well. Where did the men of the Bible go to gain clarity and regroup their souls? To the gym? No, they went to the wilderness. That makes sense to me now. I just want more of a challenge. I want to do something like hunt for the food that I eat in the woods. That would be tough. And I would want to go somewhere with large wild animals. How safe would you feel squatting in the woods there eh? I was thinkin... I wonder if I got in a fight with a bobcat and I had a pocket knife... who would win? Bobcats are fast and ferrocious, but I wrestled once in high school so that would be a tough call. Anyways, I'm getting rediculous and that can only mean one thing. I haven't had enough sleep. Hope you all are doing well. peace and love.

Second Wind

Last night in great haste, I briefly mentioned coming about my second wind. I was thinking about that in the shower this morning. The shower is the only place I can go where I know nobody will bother me, so generally I do most of my thinking there. I also find the rythm of the water and the warmth to be quite peaceful. But anyways I was thinking about this new determination that I have come by. I am blessed to have it, and I've already been noticing changes in my outlook on current situations. I realize that I am more often than not complaining about something rather than being greatful. It is a shame to be so consumed by life that all you notice are the negatives instead of the positives, but more often than not that is what we fall in to. It is so easy to do. You merely allow the current circumstances to luer you in and drown you out. Certainly there have been alot of things this semester to bring me down, but I bet I could have found lively meaning each and every day to combat the negative if I had only considered the mindset to do so. This morning I caught myself arising to a negative mood as usual. I felt bad about the exam I had to take and I was exhausted to boot. A few hours later at breakfast after the exam, I burned my thumb really bad. What happened was I put strawberry sauce in with my wafful batter to make a wafful and when it finished cooking I noticed that the strawberry goo stuck to the wafful iron. To remedy this, I grabbed a fork and scraped it off, picking the goo off of the fork and eating it. I eventually came across some goo that was not quite cool at all. It was molton hot and it stuck to my thumb and continued to burn until I could lick it all off. That was no fun. I'm pretty sure it hit a nerve because my thumb went numb for the most part, but that too was something to look at negatively. After the burn I had a two hour lab to go to that drained the life out of me. I was so exhausted I nerely passed out in class, but I was able to refrain. Getting back to my room I crashed into my covers and pillow and was asleep in a mere matter of seconds. It was fabulous! I had the most wonderful dream! I can't remember a dream that has made me feel better than this one did. When I awoke, I felt calm and at peace, but also positive about life. I felt that determination feeling again. I felt like I could beat whatever it was that I had to face today and tomorrow and for the rest of the semester. And if I fail, my life will not be over. It will only haunt me if I let it, but I will know one thing. I gave it my best. But I've always risen above adversity. I feel most like the biblical character of David. I am the youngest of my family, and I have overcome some of the most impossible odds. It makes me feel important to think about that. Not in a sense of I'm better than you, but in a sense that God must really have a plan for me. I've almost died numerous times, I was thought to have a fatal disease at birth. I was also thought to have another fatal disease at a later date. I don't remember the name of it, but I had all of the symptoms for it and if I did indeed have it, I would be dead right now. It kills you in your early 20's. I also had to overcome asthma, almost dying of that when I was thirteen. I spent a week in the hospital. My learning disabilities have been another obstical that I've had to overcome. This explains why I'm a 20 almost 21 year old sophomore in college. Tight situation after tight situation I have beed delivered through, so I feel important to God which gives me determination to thrive. It's alot like the Big Fish mentalitly. If you've ever seen the movie, there is a part where the kids go to see the witch's eye to find out how they will die. The main character says that knowing how he would die could possibly be depressing, but if he were to look at it the right way, it might proove to be a good thing. In knowing the way of his death, he would know that he could survive everything else, living life to it's fullest. I feel that way with God. God has his plans for me, including my time and place of death. I am His. I belong to Him, so my future therefore is in His hands. And who else would I rather have possession of my future than an all-knowing God who loves me? This gives me determination. I can fail sure enough, but I cannot be destroyed unless it is God's plan for me, and in that case, I'm fine with it. So I am now working on my focus. I wish to look at the picture and see the color and creativity of it rather than pointing out the obvious cover ups and mistakes. I also hope that tonight my dreams will be as pleasant as they were today. Tomorrow and the rest of the weekend I will not be here, nor will my cell phone be on. I am going on a retreat with the fraternity and I'm going to cut loose for a change. Not being on campus for a weekend means no responsibility to worry about and no impressions to be made. I'll even get to do some fire juggling which will be fun. So until Monday (or maybe Sunday night) Peace and Love.

Quick Update then Sleepy Sleepy

hey, can't talk long because i really need to get to sleep asap. reason being because i'm going to try a new study tactic. i'm going to get a good night sleep and wake up early before my bio class to study for the exam. that way, when the exam comes around, not only will i be awake, but the info will be fresh on my mind. i'm really hopin for a good grade on this one too. this is important. other than that i wanted to let you all know how my date with Ivy Lee went. it was spectacular. it was cool because we already knew eachother so there weren't long periods of awkward silences. we could talk about stuff from back home and know exactly what eachother meant which is a new feeling for me here. nobody else knows jack about high point. i cooked her a steak dinner with stuffed baked potatoe and fresh green beans, and then we watched a movie. after that we went on a walk for about half an hour and then went to the front of hail hall. there all of my fraternity brothers were waiting and we serenaded her where upon i gave her her roses. it was a great time indeed. afterwards charles reminded me that we have a bio exam tomorrow morning, so ever since then, i've been studying up for it. i'm also fighting off illness at the same time, so this is prooving to be a real challenge, but i've got a new refreshing perspective on things right now that i think just might push me through the semester. i can't exactly put it into words (cuz if i could you know i would) but i have a new determination. i also feel a new confidence and new ambition. i'll atleast make it to thanksgiving, but right now the bed calls. top priority is making it through the busy schedule that is tomorrow and through friday as well. tomorrow i have an exam, math class, and a music theory proficiency. i also have to finish a spanish project before friday. to everybody that helped make this date possible, thank you very much. a special shout out to chubbs for the appartment and cooking utensils, to aaron for helping me be clever, and to the brothers of Phi Mu Alpha Sinfonia who worked musical magic at the night's end. to everyone else, hope to see you tomorrow bright and early as i will awaken at 5AM! peace and love.

Tomorrow Looks Like This...

okay, so my mind is so chalk full of crap right now, i've found it hard to sleep lately. i'm wrestless and my dreams are, for the most part, bad. i've just got so much to do, and i don't know how long my body can handle it. reguardless, i won't get to rest until, not this weekend, but the weekend after... maybe. so right now i'm just worried about getting all of my stuff in on deadline, makin the grades, and floorin it to thanksgiving break when i can finally get away from this place. it will be a lovely taste of what christmas break will look like, and i REALLY need christmas break. my brain literally hurts right now. i'm serious! it's aching as we speak. i've got test after test after obligation after obligation on my plate right now, and i know for some people, that's the only way they can function, but me... after a long rain, even the mighty oak can fall in a simple breeze.

tomorrow i will begin by waking early to study for both music theory and spanish. following that study session, i will go directly to an RA end service that lasts for about an hour. after that i have my two classes, music theory and spanish. once that's all said and done with, i shall begin preperation for my date tomorrow night at six. that's going to take a while. after the date i have to go directly to a fraternal gathering and immediately after that i have to bust my tail to get a spanish project done. this is discouragement to the extreme! i have NO free time tomorrow what so ever. nor do i have much on thursday. friday through sunday is even full. it's not that i don't enjoy doing alot of these activities, but i have to have alone time atleast one day of the week in order to fully function, and it doesn't look like that's going to happen at all these next two weeks. fun, in a way, is also based upon how much energy you have. i never thought i'd be talking about energy. when i was younger, i always prided myself in never being tired. i couldn't even take naps even through high school. but college does something horrible to men. it sucks their life out of their nose holes and leaves only mere shells in its wake.

responsibility. that is what i have. i can't give up because i have responsibility. i talk about breaking all the time, but i never do. that mentallity has always been with me. i could probably exert myself to death just because i don't want to give up. i guess i do remember the days when i was younger that i didn't want to stick with anything, but now, even though i don't want to stick with some things, i do. in weight training i would get hurt all the time because i wouldn't let myself not finish the job i started. i almost passed out a few times because i was too stubborn to back down a few steps. i guess no matter how i look at it, i'm a compedatively based person. even if it is competing with myself, i am always in competition to some extent. i suppose it's got it's negatives, but it has positives as well. right now i'm exhausted though. i was too wrestless to take any naps today, but tired enough to sleep the day entirely through. let's just hope for a lighter load next week if at all possible. peace and love...

Ambiguity is for Shameful Cowards... I'm Spillin It!

times are hard for this hopless romantic. not only am i busy over my head with stuff to do this week, but i've got many unanswerable questions on the brain, including that of female persuasion. GRRRR! times were so easy last year when i was thickheaded and undaunted by the batting of a soft captivating eye, but times change because they must, and i therefore must find a way to adapt. i have this whole dual personality though. i hate the fact that i'm a hopeless romantic, probably because it's never worked out in the places it should and has always worked out in the places it shouldn't. so often times i am in combat with myself. my poetic, more intelligent, and more determined side has been setting up traps for my more logical, unemotional, brut strength side. the result is lack of energy for the most part. i need a vacation from planet earth for a while. i'll fly to the moon, sit on the other side of it, and stare off into God's great space and NOT think about women. the side of my stubborness can often go days in avoidance of difficulty, but all it takes is a simple smile and the tables are turned. it has ALWAYS been that way for me. when most guys were on the playground in kindergarten running from girl cooties, i was taking full advantage of the lack of competition. but i've come to find that those fairy tales of knights and princesses are a load of crap. i can recite poetry on the spot straight out of my head, but it doesn't WORK! Romeo in real life would be my very best, very single friend. we would get together over a hot cup of tea and discuss our great ideas like sunsets and candle lit dinners and we would do so until we hit our middle ages. at that point we would realize the hopelessness of the situation and go out to buy that sports car convertible that we've always wanted in a last, and very tasteless attempt to pick up "chicks". and the thing i don't get is, i thought girls liked romance. i thought that that's why they watched all of those mushy movies about the guy who loves the girl but then he gets hit by a train and looses memory of her EXCEPT for that place that they had their first kiss. crap like that. i thought it was in. i suppose i haven't gone through great lengths to get hit by a train, but mostly... i'm just discouraged.

sidenote: i don't put names in my journal, it's not neccissary. but i feel like i can talk about this just once because quite honestly i think i only have three journal readers anyways, and none of them are from belmont. and besides, i write to aleviate stress. anyways, be mature with what i have to say (as if i even need to bring up such things).

i suppose my discouragement is my lack of understanding. what's the deal? i'm not hideous to look at, though this whole no shave november isn't helping that factor any. i'm nice, i'm smart, i'm going to be successful, i'm fun if you give me the right chance to be, and i can be a man about stuff too. so what's wrong? why can't i be one of those guys who has that someone to talk to that he can tell stuff he doesn't even tell is best guy friends? why do i have to be so stinkin lonely (note: my mood here is not one of despair, but of deep question)? sure, just tell me that my time hasn't come yet... that helps... psych. tell me to give it a rest... boy i didn't think of that one! i can't give it a rest. if it's one thing i hate, it's looking back on life and asking "what if". i am not a quitter. i am on a quest to find someone, like a treasure, who will love me equally to the potential that i can love them... and i know that potential is very high. that i am sure of. but it's a long road requiring ample supplies of patience (which i have little of but i try my best) understanding ( a little bit more in storage here than patience) and guts (purely God-given, any other time i'm a complete coward). i suppose loneliness is what taps away so at my patience. hah, maybe it's what i thought it was last year. maybe i have some unsightly nose hair curse where a giant nose hair comes out of my nose only when girls are around. i'm going to have to go on 24 hour video surveilance to get to the bottom of that. then there's the question of sex appeal. i'm not in with that. i'm sure i could get tons of the wrong girls if i wanted to, but the trick is getting the right girls, and the right girls for me aren't down with sex appeal. no no, they are much more tricky. they require a different bait. someone smart, cunning, brave, funny, nice, and above all else, good. but the catcher is that these "right girls", the cream of the crop, are
F I C K L E!!! it's funny because that word wasn't in my vocabulary until a "right girl" put it there when she fired me. but being "unemployed" as it were, has made me two things: a.) want to blame it on the president, because he is obviously at fault whenever there is unemployment, and b.) lonely. fortunately prayer is my defense. i can make it as long as i have to as long as i keep faithful in prayer and the word. i find that God, through prayer, will straighten out my most irrational thought processes, but the key is again, patience, because often it comes in His time, not mine. so until things are certain (which they won't be until my vows are stated on the alter) i'm going to be who i'm best at, and that's me, and anybody that doesn't like it can pucker up, especially YOU Burt Renolds! wow! i feel better already. who would have thought that sharing my feelings with the potential world's population (but we all know it's only us four) could be so rejuvinating. God keep and bless you all. peace and love.

Short but Efficient

today was as titled. i woke up around noon and immediately started in to cleaning my room, and i'm not talking about one of those sissy clean-ups. i'm talking about white glove inspection clean up. i washed all of my lenins, all of my cloths, wiped down all of the furniture, did all of the dishes, dusted, and even vacumed for the first time this semester. it has taken me all of four hours to complete this task and i am now set to do whatever it is i wish before the eight o'clock hour when i must go work the desk. i don't really know what it is i want to do right now, but i'm sure to think of something. this weekend must supply me with enough strenght and sanity to carry on through next week. i must be able to function clearly as i already know i have alot to do this coming week. ALOT to do! but nothing is going to bring me down right now. i'm in it for the long haul. this journal is going to be about as short as my day, but hope all is well with you. peace and love.

"Is it done yet?" "NO!"

today was the long day for me, and long it was, but not necissarily bad. i actually had quite a bit of fun here and there amongst my busy schedule. this morning in my biology class we had a change of pace. the lab was located at a park just outside of the bustling city. there we met and counted... not birds... not trees... not crickets... but grass... we counted... grass. yes, it was as unappealing as one would think, but honestly i enjoyed it much more than sitting in that smelly laboratory doing experiments with onions.

getting back on campus i found it quite difficult to park. see, the problem lies with the great quantity of commutors. there are a plethera, and due to the construction, there are alot less spaces. i've always thought it would be fiar to have a commuter parking lot... like the one out on 12th ave. way on the outskirts of campus. the reason being is not because i have a grudge against the commuters, but because it is common sense. i do not go to their respective houses or other places of dwelling and park in their driveway, and pembroke is my home. why therefore should they park in my driveway? after all, aren't we paying more money to the school for living here on campus? shouldn't that entitle us to some extra parking rights? i also have pondered whether or not the increasing freshman classes should be permitted to have cars their first year. this is a major city and therefore it is not 100% neccissary to have a vehicle unless you have classes off campus. in that case, you are not a freshman. the reason i say that is because my freshman year i made out quite fine without a car. i made friends with cars and they took care of me. now i, in turn, take care of others who have no mode of transportation. that's the way it works. but that's that. not that i'm angry or anything, but it was something to ponder.

once back in my room though, i hit the pillows for a few hours. while sleeping i had the most vivid dream. there was a huge tornado that hit campus, touching down on the soccer field. i was in wilson for some reason, but i was caught in a crisis because there was a pregnant woman having a baby in the room i was confined to. i went outside primarily because i heard through the thick wall a loud train sound. when i went to the doors, they blew open and i whitnessed the sky furling into a huge black funnel that curved and arched and then touched down on the field accross the quad. it was enormous and i hurried back in to tell the others. we all watched from the window in horror as the tornado simply leveld write-maddox and then hail and pembroke. we all knew people who were in there (and no, you didn't die this time ((if you even read my journal)) you were with me, and i need not mention your name as that would go against my journal code) but those people, friends, died. it was crazy. then the tornado changed tradjectory and started heading our way. we were in a very sturdy building, but if maddox was flattened, what chance had we? all i remember seeing before i woke up were trees being ripped out of the ground a football field distance away from me. honestly i've always enjoyed tornado dreams. they excite me. but this one seemed to have some sort of meaning i think. i whitnessed both new life given and life taken in one moment. also i grew closer to, and lost loved ones. what is more, i had no control over the situation. it was totally out of my hands. i shall ponder that dream a bit more before i let it pass into distant memmory.

after my nap i took a shower and headed off to math. there i received my test results which were less than par. i'm so discouraged in that class right now. i worked so hard to do well on that test, getting tutoring form several different people and reviewing in math lab after math lab, but to no avail. i can't give up though. i don't fold under pressure.

after math i was free until five o'clock music theory lab. this time i used efficiently, studying with my good brother Charles for my theory test tomorrow. he has helped me greatly and i'm greatly appreciative. class followed shortly there after and i, of course, went. that pretty much sums up my day of classes.

so what did i do after that? well, i had some good times. i came back and joined in the pembroke/heron twister tournament. it was exciting and action packed! i hadn't played twister in quite some time, but i did well. my rare agressive nature played quite handy in my tactic to achive victory. Jorge was my toughest competition (he also being successful in taekwondo and fighting tactics that require great balance and flexability). we had two tie matches, but it was by total chance that he landed first on the final bout. the trophy sits in my room. it is actually a soccer trophy with the engraving (computer generated) changed to "grand champion pembroke-heron hall twister tournament". i admit... that was more fun than i've had in quite some time. this was not the only tournament i whitnessed tonight though. i went to see Viking play in the ping pong tournament. he's amazing at ping pong. a true champion if i ever saw one. but out of the darkness arose a new threat... tenniss players. they came out of nowhere and stole the competition with their well refined tenniss eyes and elbows.

the remainder of the night i spent at a resturaunt diong fraternity business. i'm quite thrilled though as i was able to partake in crab leggs for the first time in five years. i missed them ever so much! but here i am now after a long day. and it is going to be a long night... and a long day tomorrow as well. i have to write a paper tonight, and study for two tests before i go to bed. then i will be taking the two tests consecutively tomorrow and turning in my paper directly after that. so in short, this weekend is going to be a well deserved break from the hustle and bustle of life. i suspect i shall continue my quest for greater quantities of sleep and i'm also going to try to get a motion passed to CLEAN MY ROOM! it is hideous in here right now! i've got stuff all over the floor and dishes that need to be washed as well as a TON of laundry!

i guess i'm just writing this journal though, so i can get motivated to write creatively. this always helps me get into a writting mood. but alas i must leave you now, but i shant leave you empty handed, but rather with this though. be mindful of the words you speak. take great value in them and cherish them for they reflect what is in your heart. if you utter one word and justify it by saying "it's just a word", think about that the next time someone close to you says "i love you." i doubt you will consider those to be "just words". until we chat again, peace and love

Wow! Two Journals? Where DO you get your free time?

man sakes alive! i was just reading some of my journals from last year and i must confess... i seemed alot happier back then! i shall try my best to project a more positive light of my life than i have been lately. i'll start now. today was fantastic! why, might you ask? because i had so little to do, that's why. bush, as many of you have now heard, is headed for four more years as our president and the rest of the government just picked up a wild majority of republican representation. this makes me stupendously happy, but my professors seemed quite perterbed. my music theory professor thinks that we republicans are going to cut down all of the trees before this four years comes to an end, and she was really angry through most of the class. but that's okay. i wouldn't be happy if bush lost. what else happened today? i dont' know... it was just... good. i have very little on my mind that could carry the potential of squelching my spirit. there is of course that one thing... but i'm not even going to mention it in this journal because i desire for this to be a positive experience. OH YEAH! i was privilaged enough to whitness a hawk hunting a squirrel in the quad today! that hawk was absolutely magnifiscent, and the squirrel was freaked out! another thing i did was watch farenheit 9/11 by michael moore. i must say i've never walked out of a movie before, but i did this one. it was so full of anti-bush propaganda that it made me almost throw up on my soft and comforting couch pillows. i ended up going on a walk with Jorge around the soccer field just a few minutes ago. it was raining slightly, but i had on my trench coat and a hat, so it really was quite enjoyable. the best thing about my day though, is that there's nothing left for me to do. i can actually relax and hang out with the guys for once. i was reflecting on my past journals and my present though, and i think they are not as joyous because i no longer am experiencing new things. everything that has happened to me this year is something i have experienced before in one way or another. i also can't cut loose quite as much as i used to simply because i am bound to my authoritative role. it's a social contract, if you will. i gain powers such as a prox card with unlimited access around campus and keys that do something similar, as well as a free room. but in return, i relinquish the privilages to be wild and crazy whenever i want, to wrestle in the hall way, run around wearing nothing but a furry hat and a belt, and to scheme out attacks on the tour groups that come through campus every weekend. all of these things i did last year, and were quite exciting, but this year those things are to be put asside. i have a job to fulfill and i must take it seriously. also, i think all of my friends from last year are more serious as well. there's just so much to do this year that we're not used to and it's passifying most of us into... well... normal men. so all things considered, life really isn't that bad right now. i'm really looking forward to thanksgiving break though. i've probably said that before, but it's true. i'll get to see all the friends that i didn't get to see over fall break, and i'll get to eat... ALOT! so here's to the good times, the weekends, and to thanksgiving as well as the other holiday vacations! let us hold our heads high and keep tuned to the greater things in life, not allowing ourselves to be torn down by adversity, but rather, taking it head on by the horns and shifting it's momentum into an enjoyable experience. let people who see us question our sanity and stand in amaizement as we do... whatever it is that we do... and let us look back on the things of the past only to learn, not to lament. peace and love.

Lifted

well, i did okay on my math test today, so that is off my mind for the time being. also, i'm pretty sure, though i don't want to jinx it like cnn did in 2000, that bush won the election, so once again, even more off my chest. i will go ahead and say that though today was stressful, it was good. i am learning to alter to my new environment quite well i think. i know this semester isn't about to get easier, but i feel more confident and less distracted. my heart still continues to feel some sense of pain though, the reasons shall be held confidential, but such is life. there will always be things that i want, but that i just can't have. but i can deal with the loneliness for the time being. i just have to alter my means of expression which, though it isn't the easiest thing in the world to do, i can push myself through it. the funny thing about this very instance for me is... i'm not questioning the future like i usually would be. i am fully confident that God has the best in mind for me even though i can't see it right now. though i may not be as enticed by what life has to offer as i usually would be, i find joy in that i know things are in more control than i could ever hope for. the joy i have i am holding on to tightly. though i may appear lately to be dead, walking around campus, i have not given up all joy. things are just extrodinarily real to me right now and most serious. it is by no means wrong to experience times like these. they aren't bad for me but rather healthy. things have been coming into perspective lately like they never have before and i realize that i'm going to have to make huge decisions that will make for magnanimous changes on my current path. for the past few days i have been longing for someone to talk to, but i wouldn't know what to say even if i got that chance. i think right now the best thing i can get is more sleep and more quiet time. i am slowly gaining more of a sense of peace though, and that's all i really want. peace and love.

Persecuted not Abandoned

so election day is tomorrow and our new president will be selected. it's funny how i don't even really care anymore. i'm so sick of politics. after studying it and having a pretty good understanding of what goes on, it curdles my stomach to even listen now. instead i'm more concerned about passing that math test tomorrow or that paper i have due in three days. that is what is at the forefront of my mind. not that i haven't done my part or anything. i cast my vote. but i just want this to be over. i'm prepared to accept whoever wins and whatever ensues as a result of that. i did have some good news today though. i got in to the audio I class that i've been needing. i'm really excited about that because that's just one more thing that makes me want to stay here and not leave for the time being. i was seriously considering transfer next semester if i didn't get that class. i could go anywhere else and easily find my way into the classes i need for alot less money, but the size of the student body here in ratio to the class availability is just rediculous. also i noted today that the caf upped it's grade from a 63 to an 87. still not great, but better than what it used to be. as for my math test tomorrow, i feel doomed. i went to two math labs today and didn't understand a thing that was said to me... and this was one on one instruction. it will be a sad day the day i fail my first course, but as long as i have blood coursing through my veins, i shall continue to give it my best.

adversity has been something close to me lately. i've seen so much of it in such a short amount of time that i just can't help but give a better part of my time thinking about the principles of it. i recall my problems as a child being so simple, but seeming so complex at the time. i look at myself now and i feel as if i'm going to pass out from all of the stresses that i must face and then i recall the younger days. that's what gives me strenght. i'll look back on this when i get older and marval at how simple all of this was. but problems won't be solved with time. old problems will fade and new more difficult problems will take their place. that is the trend of life. it never gets easier. i have accepted that and am learning to cope with it right now. you look at people who are older than you and you think to your self how it looks so much easier. after all, they don't have to deal with this or that, but you do. it doesn't seem fair sometimes. but that's because our vision is so narrow. but why should we let adversity get the best of us? who said we had to be in pain our entire lives? learning to deal with it is important. you have to realize first off that you're not the only one. everybody has to face their own trials, and what might look easy to you in someone elses experience, might be the hardest thing they've ever gone through. but sometimes i think we get attatched to the wrong methods of overcoming. humor, for example, seems to me to be an opiut drug. it solves nothing, but it sure makes you numb. ecclesiastes talks about a wise man living in a state of sorrow while the foolish man lives in the house of laughter. that kind of makes sense to me now. people laugh about way too much. things no longer are taken seriously, and the next thing you know, people are staggaring around drunk and unaware. even God becomes someone to laugh at. things begin to look surreal. but everyone is more like an angry drunk in that when you try to take away their fun, they are bitter against you and lash out. i think that's why people hate true Christians so much. it's easy to be at peace when all is dark, but problems are pointed out when there are sources of light. people don't like to see problems. they would rather sleep comfortably in the ignorance of situational ethics.

but basically i've been going through alot of adversity lately and i've come to one conclusion. it will never be too hard. i'll know it was too hard when i'm dead, and even then i won't care. but for now i will learn to the best of my ability. i will do what i am called to do and i will do it with joy, not necissarily happiness, but joy. that's all i've got to say tonight. now i must study more for my test, but i hope all is well where you are. peace and love.

My Three Layers

The Deepest: Dreams, Reality, and Spirituality
so why do i keep on goin with no certainty and no return? i just keep takin naps, eatin fruit, and drivin around with my music loud to get it off my head. but i'm pretty stubborn as to not look at the reality of the situation. maybe i just don't want to feel like i've wasted my time. i suppose that's a fair assumption. but why would i do that to myself? why would i bind myself to a situation like this? sometimes i wonder where i would be if none of this ever happened. if by chance i refused those simple thoughts and continued down the road i was on, where would i be right now? it's a tough question to answer, and useless one in that there would be no reason for me to ask such questions now. reguardless, i have done a swell job at ignoring reality. it's funny because usually my dreams consist of fantasy, but lately they have been more real, as if to point it out to me in bold print knowing that i have two choices: either wake up to escape the dream and have no sleep, or accept and face it.

that's not all that's been going on though. i know God is tryin to prod me along spiritually, and i had a good example of that last night in the shower. there was a tiny little ant navigating along the shower wall through the parallous water beads that would well up and slide down both in front of and behind him. if one had hit him he would have gone straight down into the drain, but none had thus far. for some reason though the ant stopped in the middle of all of that and wouldn't move as the beads of water slid down all around him. i mean considering how small he was, these beads of water were huge compaired to him. that's when i was suprised to find myself feeling actual sympathy for him. i felt alot like him in that there is so much here that could take me down in an instant, and often times i just stop right in the middle of it all. then the ant got his head stuck to a bead of water and he started to panic and move all around to get it off but he couldn't, so instead of smashing him like i ususally would, i saved him. i think i've faced similar situations this year already. i get trapped and i can't get free, but God reaches down and manages to get me out somehow. Once free the ant didn't do much more than just sit there again because he was surrounded and had no clear path to get out. so what i did is i marked one out with my finger, but he had no idea. this was an ant i was dealing with. not only could he not see the path i cleared out for him, but he also wasn't intelligent enough to follow it, so he sat there to die. i then went even further to prod him along with my finger until he got the picture, but i don't even think he realized that he was in danger. he just wandered around in the same general area until i finally just picked him up and threw him out. so there i was. wandering around totally oblivious to the path made out for me and the danger that surrounds me. God, has been proding me along lately trying to put me back on to where i need to be, and that's my spiritual story right now.

Middle: Relationships
i will not take my relationships for granted. i'm not perfect, but i know what it feels like to be alone and i also know what it feels like to be taken for granted, and that's why i won't do it.

Outer: Happenings
halloween weekend has been quite the interesting weekend this year. i've done so much and it has really exausted me. thursday night i went to an AST costume party with Catherine. she was dressed as darla and i was dressed as alphalpha. though we didn't get to stay but for thirty minutes, i still had fun. friday was pembroke's haunted house on third floor event that we've been planning for for quite some time. decoration started at two o'clock and we finished the program at around 8:30. let me tell you, scaring people is exhausting, especially when you're job is to hop in and out of trash cans screaming at people passing by, but everybody was awsome at their jobs and it was a huge success i think. it'll probably be something we do again next year. the rest of the weekend has pretty much been spent to recoup. i slept until one saturday morning because i was absolutely exhausted from the night before. just now i woke up from a four hour nap just in time to do all of the work i've been meaning to do all weekend. maybe next weekend will provide a bit more rest, but i don't think so. we're getting close to quarterlies now before thanksgiving break so i strongly doubt i'll be getting much of a rest any time soon. as for now i'm going to get started doing my work... after i eat dinner of course. it's going to be hard getting all of my priorities in line this week, but me being under pressure is probably the best thing for me right now. anyways, hope all is well in your respectable places. peace and love.

Good Day... Probably Good Week Too

i've felt pretty good today. i don't have really too much to say though because it's extra late, but i think for the most part i'm still on schedule. turns out i didn't get much sleep last night though. i had to stay up for the majority of it trying to fight my radiator because it sprung a leak. needless to say, my alarm didn't wake me up for biology, but that's okay because i haven't missed any bio classes yet, so i'm still okay. while i'm talking about maintenance i might as well go ahead and mention that i'm going to have to buy a new car battery. it's just not holding it's charge. i pretty much know that it's not the alternator because i can get a charge built up to last about a day, but if i let the car sit idle for any longer than that, it goes dead. it's not a problem though. that's such a small problem if you consider all that can go wrong with a car, and after the things that would break on my old car, i'm very thankful to just have a bad battery. i mentioned being "on schedule" at the beginning of this journal if i'm not mistaken. that's because i just began training myself to keep a detailed schedule. this means that at night before i go to bed, i have to sit down and plan the next day. to do this i list all of the concrete things i have to do, then considering that, i calculate all of the free time i have and distribute my to do list among those. the to do list can entail anything from napping to tutoring. tomorrow isn't such a bad day though. i figured that i'd better get this down before school comes back up to bite me in the butt. i know it's about too, but maybe this way it won't be so bad.

i suppose all of this pressure lately has broken me into discipline. some people fold under pessure and some people show their best. God understands that i'm one of those who shows their best when pushed hard enough, so i think that's where all of my trials have been coming from lately. spiritually i find myself being challenged to keep a cleaner mindset, which is particualry hard when living in a male dorm with very little regulations. i have to keep coming back to my quiet place and regrouping before i can go out and face everything all over again. it's because my mind is so easily caught up in the chatter of every day life. but this year i am determined to discipline my mind and body.

so what's new then? i was perusing over my latest journals and i've come to realize that most of them have sort of a dark attribute. i don't mean for it to be that way, it's just that whenever i'm having a bad day, that's usually when i feel most inspired to write. that's also why most of my songs aren't happy sunshine songs. in short, i don't want anyone to get the wrong impression. i am joyous here despite my challenges and bad days. these things just happen and are a part of life. we all have to face them so that we can learn to come out on top... again, the fold or thrive principle. i have come to learn that we all have a choice as to whether or not we will be defeated. it's the little thoughts that sneak in that try to convince us that folding is the better choice. those are the thoughts that i'm learning to defeat. so follow my journals keeping that in mind.

so tonight i go to sleep exceedingly happy. i hope it will continue with me tomorrow, but i suppose that all depends on my mindset. speaking of sleep though, i had the weirdest dream last night and a slight coincident today. i dreamt that i was in an elevator and all the sudden it just started falling and i tryed to tell myself to wake up, but i didn't until after it landed. now i don't use elevators too much here, but today i used quite a few as coincidence i suppose. but i was cautious on each elevator, as they have been known to break from time to time. but my day ended not too long ago while i was watching tv and there was a guy that was in an elevator and it just started falling. that's not something you see every day, but i guess i could have. it's just weird that all this happened in one day. i'm glad i'm still alive though and that i didn't plumit in an elevator down four stories in the musci business building, or three flights in the school of music building. yay for being alive! and yay for awsome action packed dreams! i love it when i have dreams that push the threshold of my definition of reality and posibility while still maintaining a sense of clarity throughout. all this talking of dreams has gotten me quite excited to go to sleep... so until we chat again, i bid you all adue. peace and love...

Realizations and Speculations... and oh yeah, WOMEN!

i can't remember when the last time i wrote was... i know it hasn't been THAT long, but still... longer than i'm used to. i have been met with a period in my life filled with trials and realizations of which i have been trying to sort out over the past few weeks. i don't know how to feel exactly. some days i feel absolutely great amidst all of my difficulties, but other days i feel a little more "realistic" about my situation. i have taken some simple steps to get me through this though. first off, i have organized everything in my room. i figure this way there's one less thing to worry about. secondly, i've been making a point to take better care of my body. this includes more sleep, exercise, and better selection/more food. lastly, but the most effective, is i have been taking God a little more seriously than i can admit to in the past. there are things going on in my life that no ammount of reading or mental wisdom can explain, though i'm sure they'd love to speculate. i find myself in a state of stagnace that repulses me. a few years ago i would have been ashamed if i knew that this is what i was going to turn out to be. it's not as serious as some of you may be thinking it is. i must admit i have a hard time searching for tamer words when expressing my spiritual status, but it is serious to me. i am dissatisfied to say the least. there is nothing that gives me satisfaction right now. i have taken a step back and viewed my life from a distance and have come to the realization that the majority of things i have invested in are a waste. they have no spiritual weight and when i die, they die with me. this not only counts for the things i spend time doing, but also the relationships i have built. i want to make one thing clear. there is not a one person i have a relationship of some kind with that i do not love, but i have permited myself to build those relationships superficially. i want people to know who i am in a relationship which is built on more than just good feelings. purpose is something else i have struggled and am dissatisfied with. i can't seem to find it no matter where i look right now, and this is, i admit, the first time this has ever happened to me. i'm not overly worried about it because i know i have one, i just am a little anxious over loosing sight of it.

why has all of this happened to me this year? i'd say most of it has come out of pure distraction. i have bided my time in quite a few fruitless ventures so far. the way i spend my extracarricular time, as well as the things i spend time thinking about have been distractions, and pontless at that. i find that most things i spend time thinking about i have no real control over. alot of the things i say have no real value either. have you ever considered how much you say in a day that has no meaning? i know all of the stuff i've written so far has been extremely scattered, but think of it this way for those of you who are computer savy. when you have alot of stuff on your computer that you don't use, it piles up over time. when you surf the web and don't clean your system for spyware and cookies, it piles up over time. programs that run on your computer that you don't need, take up space. all of these things pile up and take up space after a while and make it seemingly impossible for you to do even the simplest task on your computer. what do you have to do then? you have to go in, find everything that shouldn't be there, and clean it out, leaving only the essentials remaining. that, in essence, is what i'm going through right now. scanning my life for stuff that doesn't belong there, and then getting rid of it.

the last thing i wanna talk about before i go to bed, which is way off topic, but something i need to leave behind on paper is... women. what have i learned about women in the past few years of my life. hmm... let's see here. they're fickle, they don't tell you what's wrong when there obviously is something wrong, they are more-so emotionally based than men but their extreems can be just as destructive and bad as our rational extreems, and the biggest thing i've learned is the only reason men and women can't understand eachother isn't because we are incredibly different because we're not. it's just that we communicate it in ways that we don't understand. but this all in mind, i'm still vigilantly searching. i mentioned some aspects of women that i like in a journal not too long ago, and have considered that topic a bit more and wish to build upon it. i was thinking today about the saying "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach." and honestly i hadn't really felt too much truth in that till now. i've had girls bake me sweets and stuff, but i was thinkin that if a girl ever made me a full course meal that was just unhealthy enough to be awsome tasting... i would be owned. i'm serious! i think it's because of my diet here at school. caf food vs. home cookin is no contest. it wouldn't have worked at home though. i have mom at home to cook me meals, but here at school it would work like a charm not just for me, but for all of the male species. what power women could hold over men if the culinary arts returned to our society! be afraid mankind... be afraid. but secondly and more seriously, i want a woman with a servant's heart. i want someone who works hard at what they but not just because of the praise they will recieve. i want them to work hard as if they were working for the Lord. i also think it's important for us to understand eachother in this sense. just because i'm the man, doesn't mean i'm doing what i do just to put the woman down or in submission because "men are better than women." seriously, that's an argument i recall having on the playground in kindergarten. but there are just things that i know i can't do that women can't do, and vise versa. it's not a better than issue, but i'm going to be with someone who feels the same way, not someone who is going to try to out-do me at everything i do just to prove a point. i think the biggest thing i'm looking for right now though, is someone i can just be myself around. someone who i don't feel like i have to act a certain way to please. i know from experience that acting gets tiring after a while and then the relationship goes out the window. right now though, i'm going to try to go to sleep. that's going to be hard though considering that there's a drunk-sounding guy outside my window playing guitar and singing really loud. i think i might go out there if he doesn't stop soon... anyways, peace and love.

It's Okay to Cry Sometimes

i made a vow long ago never to cry in public, and i have yet to break it. i haven't cried in almost four years, but i guess i've started fresh. don't ask me why. i won't tell you. this one of the few things in my life that i'm not going to tell anyone if they ask me. the ones who know know, and that's it. i don't know why i'm even writing this journal. maybe it's because i think it will help in some stupid and secret way. who knows. it's going to be a short journal though. i'm too weak to type right now. i'm too weak to sleep. but the world does not stop in the face of tradgedy. we must perservere. there is no letting up. life is often times relentless and we must face it like everyone else. it would be foolish to think i were the only one to suffer. my suffering is nothing compaired to many. but to me it is real. whether one man is burned alive and another man shot, they both have this in common: both of them have never felt greater pain. certainly one hurts worse than the other, but who is to tell them that. the definition of pain comes through experience. you cannot know pain unless you experience it. you can guess at it when you see it in others. you can talk about it's meaning around a fire. but pain only becomes truly real to you when you experience it, and when you have felt your greatest pain, that is a new definition set aside from a cut finger or a scraped knee. those are merely discomforts now. pain has become something new to you. but let us press on. let us find a way to endure this world. we are pressed but not crushed, persecuted not abandoned, struck down but not destroyed. this is our promise from God: He shall never forsake us. never before have i ment these words more than i do now... peace and love...

The Fundaments of a Storm

so tonight there is this amazing storm blowing through nashville. i love storms like these... they truly are a display of God's amazing power. but this storm seems to be fitting for my current status as well. things are getting turned upside down and i don't know when it is going to be over. i feel tugged in every direction. the wind seems to be picking everything appart that isn't tied down and all i can do is sit back and watch. it's out of my control. or is it? that's not a question that should be answered right now for me. sure there are some things i could do to make the situation a little better, but i don't know what those are. i'm trying as hard as i can to do what it is that i think i must do, but nothing seems to work. such is life though. there's something on the other side. i wonder sometimes if God is just testing me in order to strengthen me or if He's telling me that i need to make some huge alterations in my life. I through time and concentration things will get a little more clear. if this storm doesn't let up soon, it's porobably because i need to do something. anyways, it's been raining all day and i love it. i usually don't like just rain, but this is quite different. when i finally finished my homework the this current storm, which is the worst of them all, just picked up, so i felt the urge to go out and drive in it. i love driving in storms and listening to loud music, especially at night when the lightning lights up the sky like it has been doing. it was magnificent though and i can't stress that enough. i've never seen such beautiful lightning. anyways, after i drove around town for a while, i got back to campus and went into the dorm and everyone was downstairs in the hallway. why, might you ask? because there was a tornado warning. so i took some guys down the the basement and sat with them for a while just in time for a bad headache to kick in. while i was down there i just watched the lightning striking all around and the rain flying sideways through the air. everything was swaying melodically and you look at it and can't immagine something like that being ugly. it is full of power and it is beautiful, much like the way i think God wants us to see Him. anyways, i'm giong to keep this journal short. i have my eight o'clock class tomorrow and i need to get some sleep. it's been so hard for me to sleep lately because i've had so much on my mind. and like a storm it all comes at once, often times with little or no warning. i have had a well of strenght to face it though. thanks to those of you who have been keeping me in your prayers. brittany gets a special shout out for listening to me forever about my situation. she's a great listener and gives very wise advice. thanks brittany. as for everyone else, i shall try to write more often. it's so hard to set aside some time to do this amidst all of the strifes of college. peace and love

The Bitter Sweet Pains of College Living

ouch. i feel like a bucket of used bath water. my body is having a coniption right now because of the stunts i've been pulling. all of these late nights and early mornings seem to be wearing me quite thin. i can take it though. mentally i've still got alot left in me though my physical being isn't quite up to par. i'm right now preparing some chamomile and honey tea for my soar throat. as for my congestion, i'll live, however i think i might cave and take some acetaminophen. i hate taking medicine, and i always have. something about taking a pill just doesn't seem right to me. i like having some sort of a challenge when i get sick. anyways, my immune system is strong, so i think i can handle it, but comparitively this is nothing when you look at the illnesses i've had in the past. this must just be a common cold. it has been rather damp and rainy for the past two or three days, and i must admit that saturday night i ran through the sprinklers in the quad with viking at around 4 in the morning. that couldn't have helped my immune system at all, but honestly i wouldn't trade it for the world. i love all the pressure and disease that come in the college package. it is bitter sweet, but it completes the experience. after all, i'm not going to die or anything. as for actual school work, i have one more test before i'm in the clear for fall break. it is a math test though. the dreaded math test. infact i just got back from meeting with my professor for some tutoring. now i plan on working on math for the rest of the day until two o'clock. that's when i have to take the actual test. i think i might have to skip out of spanish again though, just so i can utalize that time for math studying. of course, i'm not struggling in spanish and i am in math. you really have to weigh your decisions here, but again, i like that. this moment right now is great though. i'm sitting here drinking my delicious tea and listening to one of my favorite classical songs, debussy's clair de lune on piano. i absolutely love this song... you know what i could use right now? some texas pete hot sauce. a tea spoon of that would flush my head right out and i would feel fine in a matter of a few hours. maybe i'll pick up an industrial bottle of that when i go home. texas pete is more of a rarity here, not cheerwine rare, but indeed rare. in all honesty though, i just want to go to sleep right now. i would do anything for but a few hours of slumber. i know i would feel better upon awaking, but that, unfortunately, is not an option for me. no, i must get to work on math. i'll let you know how it goes, but until then, peace and love...

Why Am I Still Up?

why am i still up tonight? everything seems to be right in the world for me at this very moment, so why am i still up tonight? it's because i can't help but look at the trends of my present and speculate on the future. who knows even if there will be a future? that's God's department. i just feel like i'm setting myself up for a big drop. i've had these emotional highs and lows lately, some of which have been very hard to control. and all of these times, whether high or low, i have been confused because i don't know how to handle my emotions very well. i have also been under many great temptations that wish for me to let my moral fabrics slip ever so slightly. it's all good fun isn't it? we'd like to believe that wouldn't we. but we all know that when our morals are sacrificed once for smaller things, they will be sacrificed again later for something bigger. but that doesn't completely answer my question. why am i still up tonight?

i was talking to a local friend just this morning and he confided in me his relationship problems. he told me he was head over heels for this girl, and he was pretty sure she liked him too, but there was one problem. sometimes they would be together and the would have a great time and he would walk away feeling like a million bucks, but then outside of that, at any other given moment, he pays her attention but she pays him very little. this guy, just to fill you in without getting him too mad by revealing his identity (you know the rules of my journal), has alot to give, but i think the girls underestimate him. he's brave, he's wise, he's smart, he's skilled at many useful arts, he's successful, he's a christian, and he ain't all that bad lookin either. he just needs a girl that will cherish him. he needs someone who wants to be with him just as badly as he wants to be with her. the girls he's been with in the past have trampled him, either subconsciously or consciously, taking advangtage of him and giving back nothing in return. i don't really know this girl very well, but i could almost guess that she is suffering from past relationship failures. i would guess that she is afraid to get too involved with this guy because she wouldn't know what to do if she fell for him. that would be an insecurity too great to face. it cuts both ways though. it's not just women. i know men who do the exact same thing and who have the exact same insecurities. i was bitter towards women for a few years due to my past, but that doesn't justify anything. no one said life's decisions would be easy, and often we miss out because we're too afraid to do anything about it.

but mostly i was thinking about the girl cherishing the guy. i can't see a better example than my sister. she calls her boyfriend, takes time out of her day to listen to him when he's feeling down, and she comforts him. she gets him things that he needs but is too frazzled to get for himself. she sacrifices for him, and he does the exact same for her no matter what. that is something that i think all guys desire to attain. yes they want to and will fight and sacrifice for their beauty, but they want her to do the same in a way. maybe not quite as drastic. i don't think guys like being fought for, but they want to feel significant. they want to feel desired. so dude if you read my journal, which i don't think you do, but if you do, don't feel bad about how you feel. you should feel that way because you deserve a girl who will cherish you as much as you do her, but you gotta give it time man. God will reveal to you the direction you need to go and the strength you need to get there, and all you gotta do is trust Him and be willing to take leaps. i can't stress it enough though when i say DON'T RUSH IT. also don't hide behind your pain. give that to God too. don't let the girls in the past ruin you. they should not have that kind of power over you. finally, if you truley believe that God will reveal to you your future wife, and i know that's how you feel, then it will happen in His time and not yours. just be patient man and know that you got folks prayin for ya.

as far as anything else is concerned, tomorrow i have an eight o'clock class so i must be getting to bed. it always feels good to write out my concerns though at the end of an event-filled day, and that is the REAL reason as to why i am still up. i don't like sleeping with things like that on my chest. if i have advice that i feel like i might burst unless i speak it, or i have concerns that might hinder my sleep, it is my greatest joy to transpose those from my brain to paper (electronic or not) at night so that i don't have to think about them anymore. if you read it, hope you enjoy it and can take something out of it. that would be even greater if by some chance my life's experiences were to help someone elses just through reading a journal. also, i don't know if i've introduced you to the little comment thingimabob on my journals. if you are isnpired, angered, blown away, or just plain bored of my journals, then click the comments link at the end of each journal and let me know. i love it when i have some sort of response.

Take Another Breath

this weekend was rather refreshing. it was the type of weekend that i've needed for quite some time now. i had very few assignments to work on from class so that freed me up to enjoy life for once. friday went as soon as it came, and as dog tired as i was from pulling the all nighter the night before, i still ended up attending a humanities pot luck with ethnic foods from all of the different classes. it was really neat to hear all of those different languages in one place. it makes me want to learn to speak more than just two. friday night struck with what i'd like to call a bad omen because some one dared to pull the fire alarm in pembroke at four am! i was so tired that it took me a while to wake up. you should have seen me. i was staggaring about the room like a drunk man, trying to find the alarm so i could hit snooze. then i realized that the sound was coming from out of the door so i went to it but couldn't open it. it was locked and so i started to freak out. it took me about two minutes in this startled state to realize that i possessed the power to unlock the door myself just by turning the latch. it was then that it registered that it wasn't an alarm clock, but the fire alarm. so i jumped into some pants, grabbed my baseball bat and flashlight and commenced to beat all of the doors of my residents to wake them up. then we all hurried out into the cold rain, me being topless, and waited for a clearing from the authorites. i went directly to bed after that and awoke to a gorgeous saturday. my main responsibility saturday was to record all day long with kevin smith (producing) aaron proffitt (bass) zac ervin (drums) and wess pickerin (piano), down in studio a. it was everything i could have hoped for and more, and after that i went to hang out with catherine in hail which was even more great, but the greatness didn't stop! i went back to the dorm and the guys were about to have sauna time which i haven't done since last year and the turnout was fabulous. after that, we went to wendeys at about 2am and then came back to the dorms to sleep at three. sunday morning, none of my rides wanted to go to church because they were tired so i had to stay here on campus. i actually woke up to the power going out though. all of campus lost power this morning due to some accident, but it didn't last long. after that i went to eat lunch, came back and watched some football, went outside to throw some football with chubbs, and then i agreed to house two high school guys for the night because they are here for a singing festival but have no one to stay with. they're here now but not in the room. i think they're out enjoying the "college life" or atleast what they immagine that the college life is. i just finished my taekwondo/tai chi practice and am now sitting down to classical music, green tea, and cup-o-noodles. what a glorious day, even though i still wish i could have gone to church. i've actually got alot to say about church, but i really need to be getting to bed becasue i'm going to have to go back into serious mode come tomorrow, and i'm also on duty tomorrow night so it should be eventful. thanks to all of the folks who prayed for me over the weekend. the decision has been made and i am ever greatful that God has seen fit to spare me anguish. goodnight to all, have a blessed week, and peace and love...

At This Hour... What ISN'T Funny?

hehe, you'll never guess what i just had to do tonight... unless of course you know me at all... see, i've rightfully earned the name from my esteemed colleagues, Procrasti. that doesn't make much sense at first, but that's because that name goes in front of my current name to make a mathematic equation which sums out to be procrasti nate. so now i suppose i'll tell you what i did. the time now is 5:40 in the am. no i didn't wake up that early. i'd have to be crazy to do that. i'd have to be even more crazy though, to stay up all night typing up papers. that's right. come 11 o'clock last night i found out that i had to have my biology paper typed and ready to hand in by today. i hadn't even finished my research yet, so needless to say, i got crackin. it's been fun though, i must admit. i get real quarky when i'm up all night, so much so that i can entertain myself to histarics with the simplest of things. for instance one might never know of my interpretive dance to songs by maroon 5 or bright eyes unless they were to stay the night up with me in the privacy of my room. i was also suprised to find my brethren Georgio and Aaron awake at around 3:45, so i went and gave them a bit of a visit to take a break from the paper. which reminds me... how interesting do you think the human genome project is at 5:00 in the morining? how interesting do you think the process of turning junk metal into gold would be at 5:00 in the morning? it's all the same... it doesn't matter the level of interest at this point, it just matters what time it is. but anyways my body has this wonderful self defense mechanism from real insanity by faking insanity to keep my mind in check. i can still recover and be rational when i need to be, but for the most part, i keep myself entertained. unfortunately this little attribute of mine tends to kick in during math class all the time, making it hard for me to pay attention at all, but i live. speaking of living, i feel dead right now. i feel like i could pass out at any moment my eyes are so heavy. my head is at that bobbing state where it feels like i'm trying to balance a bowling ball (my head) on a tooth pick (my neck). so far though, i've had a root beer, chai tea, a bottle of water, a mr. pibb, and some chocolate to keep me going. all of that is wearing of now. so why am i still awake? i'm done everything that i need to be done with. well, pretty much for two reasons. the first reason is that if i go to bed now, i might not wake up, and even if i did, i'd be so incredibly tired that i wouldn't be able to function for the rest of the day. i'm kind of hoping that i still have an auxillary tank of fuel left over somewhere in the ol system that will kick in in a few hours. the second reason is that i'm thinking of it as a contest. i want to see if i can physically put myself through this and still survive the day. that will be quite the task, but i feel confi... you know what? forget this, i'm going to bed. i can wake up at 10:30, still get fourish hours of sleep, and make it to my first class on time... then after my last class, i'm giong to bed. i'm going to bed and i'm not waking up until desk hours start. that'll be nice. anyway, hope all of you have had a wonderful night sleep last night. i'll meet up with you and tell you about all of the awsome stuff that you missed because you slept if you want me to. other than that, peace and love.