My Three Layers

The Deepest: Dreams, Reality, and Spirituality
so why do i keep on goin with no certainty and no return? i just keep takin naps, eatin fruit, and drivin around with my music loud to get it off my head. but i'm pretty stubborn as to not look at the reality of the situation. maybe i just don't want to feel like i've wasted my time. i suppose that's a fair assumption. but why would i do that to myself? why would i bind myself to a situation like this? sometimes i wonder where i would be if none of this ever happened. if by chance i refused those simple thoughts and continued down the road i was on, where would i be right now? it's a tough question to answer, and useless one in that there would be no reason for me to ask such questions now. reguardless, i have done a swell job at ignoring reality. it's funny because usually my dreams consist of fantasy, but lately they have been more real, as if to point it out to me in bold print knowing that i have two choices: either wake up to escape the dream and have no sleep, or accept and face it.

that's not all that's been going on though. i know God is tryin to prod me along spiritually, and i had a good example of that last night in the shower. there was a tiny little ant navigating along the shower wall through the parallous water beads that would well up and slide down both in front of and behind him. if one had hit him he would have gone straight down into the drain, but none had thus far. for some reason though the ant stopped in the middle of all of that and wouldn't move as the beads of water slid down all around him. i mean considering how small he was, these beads of water were huge compaired to him. that's when i was suprised to find myself feeling actual sympathy for him. i felt alot like him in that there is so much here that could take me down in an instant, and often times i just stop right in the middle of it all. then the ant got his head stuck to a bead of water and he started to panic and move all around to get it off but he couldn't, so instead of smashing him like i ususally would, i saved him. i think i've faced similar situations this year already. i get trapped and i can't get free, but God reaches down and manages to get me out somehow. Once free the ant didn't do much more than just sit there again because he was surrounded and had no clear path to get out. so what i did is i marked one out with my finger, but he had no idea. this was an ant i was dealing with. not only could he not see the path i cleared out for him, but he also wasn't intelligent enough to follow it, so he sat there to die. i then went even further to prod him along with my finger until he got the picture, but i don't even think he realized that he was in danger. he just wandered around in the same general area until i finally just picked him up and threw him out. so there i was. wandering around totally oblivious to the path made out for me and the danger that surrounds me. God, has been proding me along lately trying to put me back on to where i need to be, and that's my spiritual story right now.

Middle: Relationships
i will not take my relationships for granted. i'm not perfect, but i know what it feels like to be alone and i also know what it feels like to be taken for granted, and that's why i won't do it.

Outer: Happenings
halloween weekend has been quite the interesting weekend this year. i've done so much and it has really exausted me. thursday night i went to an AST costume party with Catherine. she was dressed as darla and i was dressed as alphalpha. though we didn't get to stay but for thirty minutes, i still had fun. friday was pembroke's haunted house on third floor event that we've been planning for for quite some time. decoration started at two o'clock and we finished the program at around 8:30. let me tell you, scaring people is exhausting, especially when you're job is to hop in and out of trash cans screaming at people passing by, but everybody was awsome at their jobs and it was a huge success i think. it'll probably be something we do again next year. the rest of the weekend has pretty much been spent to recoup. i slept until one saturday morning because i was absolutely exhausted from the night before. just now i woke up from a four hour nap just in time to do all of the work i've been meaning to do all weekend. maybe next weekend will provide a bit more rest, but i don't think so. we're getting close to quarterlies now before thanksgiving break so i strongly doubt i'll be getting much of a rest any time soon. as for now i'm going to get started doing my work... after i eat dinner of course. it's going to be hard getting all of my priorities in line this week, but me being under pressure is probably the best thing for me right now. anyways, hope all is well in your respectable places. peace and love.