Realizations and Speculations... and oh yeah, WOMEN!

i can't remember when the last time i wrote was... i know it hasn't been THAT long, but still... longer than i'm used to. i have been met with a period in my life filled with trials and realizations of which i have been trying to sort out over the past few weeks. i don't know how to feel exactly. some days i feel absolutely great amidst all of my difficulties, but other days i feel a little more "realistic" about my situation. i have taken some simple steps to get me through this though. first off, i have organized everything in my room. i figure this way there's one less thing to worry about. secondly, i've been making a point to take better care of my body. this includes more sleep, exercise, and better selection/more food. lastly, but the most effective, is i have been taking God a little more seriously than i can admit to in the past. there are things going on in my life that no ammount of reading or mental wisdom can explain, though i'm sure they'd love to speculate. i find myself in a state of stagnace that repulses me. a few years ago i would have been ashamed if i knew that this is what i was going to turn out to be. it's not as serious as some of you may be thinking it is. i must admit i have a hard time searching for tamer words when expressing my spiritual status, but it is serious to me. i am dissatisfied to say the least. there is nothing that gives me satisfaction right now. i have taken a step back and viewed my life from a distance and have come to the realization that the majority of things i have invested in are a waste. they have no spiritual weight and when i die, they die with me. this not only counts for the things i spend time doing, but also the relationships i have built. i want to make one thing clear. there is not a one person i have a relationship of some kind with that i do not love, but i have permited myself to build those relationships superficially. i want people to know who i am in a relationship which is built on more than just good feelings. purpose is something else i have struggled and am dissatisfied with. i can't seem to find it no matter where i look right now, and this is, i admit, the first time this has ever happened to me. i'm not overly worried about it because i know i have one, i just am a little anxious over loosing sight of it.

why has all of this happened to me this year? i'd say most of it has come out of pure distraction. i have bided my time in quite a few fruitless ventures so far. the way i spend my extracarricular time, as well as the things i spend time thinking about have been distractions, and pontless at that. i find that most things i spend time thinking about i have no real control over. alot of the things i say have no real value either. have you ever considered how much you say in a day that has no meaning? i know all of the stuff i've written so far has been extremely scattered, but think of it this way for those of you who are computer savy. when you have alot of stuff on your computer that you don't use, it piles up over time. when you surf the web and don't clean your system for spyware and cookies, it piles up over time. programs that run on your computer that you don't need, take up space. all of these things pile up and take up space after a while and make it seemingly impossible for you to do even the simplest task on your computer. what do you have to do then? you have to go in, find everything that shouldn't be there, and clean it out, leaving only the essentials remaining. that, in essence, is what i'm going through right now. scanning my life for stuff that doesn't belong there, and then getting rid of it.

the last thing i wanna talk about before i go to bed, which is way off topic, but something i need to leave behind on paper is... women. what have i learned about women in the past few years of my life. hmm... let's see here. they're fickle, they don't tell you what's wrong when there obviously is something wrong, they are more-so emotionally based than men but their extreems can be just as destructive and bad as our rational extreems, and the biggest thing i've learned is the only reason men and women can't understand eachother isn't because we are incredibly different because we're not. it's just that we communicate it in ways that we don't understand. but this all in mind, i'm still vigilantly searching. i mentioned some aspects of women that i like in a journal not too long ago, and have considered that topic a bit more and wish to build upon it. i was thinking today about the saying "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach." and honestly i hadn't really felt too much truth in that till now. i've had girls bake me sweets and stuff, but i was thinkin that if a girl ever made me a full course meal that was just unhealthy enough to be awsome tasting... i would be owned. i'm serious! i think it's because of my diet here at school. caf food vs. home cookin is no contest. it wouldn't have worked at home though. i have mom at home to cook me meals, but here at school it would work like a charm not just for me, but for all of the male species. what power women could hold over men if the culinary arts returned to our society! be afraid mankind... be afraid. but secondly and more seriously, i want a woman with a servant's heart. i want someone who works hard at what they but not just because of the praise they will recieve. i want them to work hard as if they were working for the Lord. i also think it's important for us to understand eachother in this sense. just because i'm the man, doesn't mean i'm doing what i do just to put the woman down or in submission because "men are better than women." seriously, that's an argument i recall having on the playground in kindergarten. but there are just things that i know i can't do that women can't do, and vise versa. it's not a better than issue, but i'm going to be with someone who feels the same way, not someone who is going to try to out-do me at everything i do just to prove a point. i think the biggest thing i'm looking for right now though, is someone i can just be myself around. someone who i don't feel like i have to act a certain way to please. i know from experience that acting gets tiring after a while and then the relationship goes out the window. right now though, i'm going to try to go to sleep. that's going to be hard though considering that there's a drunk-sounding guy outside my window playing guitar and singing really loud. i think i might go out there if he doesn't stop soon... anyways, peace and love.