The Decisions I've Made

from the title, you've probably guessed that i've been making a few decisions lately. you'd be right in your assumption because i indeed have. i don't really want to talk about the decisions themselves though. instead, i'd rather discuss the principle behind a decision. there are some things that you decide that are easy, and sometimes you encounter hard decisions, and sometimes when you encounter a difficult decision you make the decision to not make a decision. most of you regular readers know that i believe that each decision one makes has the potential for an enormous effect on his or her future, as well as the future of those around them. it's a principle better known as the butterfly effect. having realized this, making decisions now is only more difficult, especially the hard ones. it seems like saying the words is the easiest part, though that is hard in itself. but the true difficulty comes from sticking to your word. soon after you make such decisions, temptations can ensue that challenge it. soon you don't even know if the decision you made was wise or not. afterall, you feel even more miserable now than before.

for me, the battle i face involves strength i fear i don't have, though i immagined i did at the outset. it's as if i were swimming accross a vast amount of water to a distant island only to find half way that i neither have the strength to finish, nor the hope of getting back. alone my thoughts are a torment, but in company i feel as if i have none at all. for the first bit, i played it off rather well though. i received compliments because people were under the impression that i felt better than usual while all along it was simply my pride attempting to save me from public conversation. now it is not so easy to hide. i find myself unfit for being alone and at the same time, unfit for company. it is the most difficult type of decision to make of them all. it requires the conquering of memory. for me, memory is one of my greatest strengths. i remember the things that made me feel alive especially, and i hold on to them. now it is up to me to force those memories into something of a dream, something nice that happened, but then again... didn't really happen.

i have experienced this before. i know the steps involved. it's like any sickness though in that everybody has their home remedies. i suppose it's just the kind of decision that you make where you hope and pray that you are wrong, but when you see that it makes someone else better, you know that you are right. it is in that that i face the largest paradox. in any other case, i sort of enjoy being right, and i also enjoy making other people feel better, but when making others feel better requires self sacrifice of happiness... it's just difficult, and i do not enjoy being right at all. there are some pains that i pray the Lord take, and He does, but then there are others such as this one that i pray, and nothing changes. in this... i am confused... not in the Will of the Lord, but in my decision. did i do what was right, and if i did, why does it feel so horrible, and when will the good of it be revealed? the answers to these and many other questions i know not, but i do know that going to sleep helps a little bit. peace and love...