times are hard for this hopless romantic. not only am i busy over my head with stuff to do this week, but i've got many unanswerable questions on the brain, including that of female persuasion. GRRRR! times were so easy last year when i was thickheaded and undaunted by the batting of a soft captivating eye, but times change because they must, and i therefore must find a way to adapt. i have this whole dual personality though. i hate the fact that i'm a hopeless romantic, probably because it's never worked out in the places it should and has always worked out in the places it shouldn't. so often times i am in combat with myself. my poetic, more intelligent, and more determined side has been setting up traps for my more logical, unemotional, brut strength side. the result is lack of energy for the most part. i need a vacation from planet earth for a while. i'll fly to the moon, sit on the other side of it, and stare off into God's great space and NOT think about women. the side of my stubborness can often go days in avoidance of difficulty, but all it takes is a simple smile and the tables are turned. it has ALWAYS been that way for me. when most guys were on the playground in kindergarten running from girl cooties, i was taking full advantage of the lack of competition. but i've come to find that those fairy tales of knights and princesses are a load of crap. i can recite poetry on the spot straight out of my head, but it doesn't WORK! Romeo in real life would be my very best, very single friend. we would get together over a hot cup of tea and discuss our great ideas like sunsets and candle lit dinners and we would do so until we hit our middle ages. at that point we would realize the hopelessness of the situation and go out to buy that sports car convertible that we've always wanted in a last, and very tasteless attempt to pick up "chicks". and the thing i don't get is, i thought girls liked romance. i thought that that's why they watched all of those mushy movies about the guy who loves the girl but then he gets hit by a train and looses memory of her EXCEPT for that place that they had their first kiss. crap like that. i thought it was in. i suppose i haven't gone through great lengths to get hit by a train, but mostly... i'm just discouraged.
sidenote: i don't put names in my journal, it's not neccissary. but i feel like i can talk about this just once because quite honestly i think i only have three journal readers anyways, and none of them are from belmont. and besides, i write to aleviate stress. anyways, be mature with what i have to say (as if i even need to bring up such things).
i suppose my discouragement is my lack of understanding. what's the deal? i'm not hideous to look at, though this whole no shave november isn't helping that factor any. i'm nice, i'm smart, i'm going to be successful, i'm fun if you give me the right chance to be, and i can be a man about stuff too. so what's wrong? why can't i be one of those guys who has that someone to talk to that he can tell stuff he doesn't even tell is best guy friends? why do i have to be so stinkin lonely (note: my mood here is not one of despair, but of deep question)? sure, just tell me that my time hasn't come yet... that helps... psych. tell me to give it a rest... boy i didn't think of that one! i can't give it a rest. if it's one thing i hate, it's looking back on life and asking "what if". i am not a quitter. i am on a quest to find someone, like a treasure, who will love me equally to the potential that i can love them... and i know that potential is very high. that i am sure of. but it's a long road requiring ample supplies of patience (which i have little of but i try my best) understanding ( a little bit more in storage here than patience) and guts (purely God-given, any other time i'm a complete coward). i suppose loneliness is what taps away so at my patience. hah, maybe it's what i thought it was last year. maybe i have some unsightly nose hair curse where a giant nose hair comes out of my nose only when girls are around. i'm going to have to go on 24 hour video surveilance to get to the bottom of that. then there's the question of sex appeal. i'm not in with that. i'm sure i could get tons of the wrong girls if i wanted to, but the trick is getting the right girls, and the right girls for me aren't down with sex appeal. no no, they are much more tricky. they require a different bait. someone smart, cunning, brave, funny, nice, and above all else, good. but the catcher is that these "right girls", the cream of the crop, are
F I C K L E!!! it's funny because that word wasn't in my vocabulary until a "right girl" put it there when she fired me. but being "unemployed" as it were, has made me two things: a.) want to blame it on the president, because he is obviously at fault whenever there is unemployment, and b.) lonely. fortunately prayer is my defense. i can make it as long as i have to as long as i keep faithful in prayer and the word. i find that God, through prayer, will straighten out my most irrational thought processes, but the key is again, patience, because often it comes in His time, not mine. so until things are certain (which they won't be until my vows are stated on the alter) i'm going to be who i'm best at, and that's me, and anybody that doesn't like it can pucker up, especially YOU Burt Renolds! wow! i feel better already. who would have thought that sharing my feelings with the potential world's population (but we all know it's only us four) could be so rejuvinating. God keep and bless you all. peace and love.
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