The New Journal (They're links, click them)

Nathan's Thoughts: The New Beginnings
Nathan's Thoughts: The New Beginnings
Nathan's Thoughts: The New Beginnings
Nathan's Thoughts: The New Beginnings
Nathan's Thoughts: The New Beginnings
Nathan's Thoughts: The New Beginnings
Nathan's Thoughts: The New Beginnings
Nathan's Thoughts: The New Beginnings
Nathan's Thoughts: The New Beginnings
Nathan's Thoughts: The New Beginnings
Nathan's Thoughts: The New Beginnings
Nathan's Thoughts: The New Beginnings
Nathan's Thoughts: The New Beginnings
Nathan's Thoughts: The New Beginnings
Nathan's Thoughts: The New Beginnings
Nathan's Thoughts: The New Beginnings

The Last Page of the Chapter

The realization has begun. College is over for good. This journal that I have kept for these four odd years has served me well in maintaining an outlet for me to relieve my jumbled thoughts. I've grown up quite a bit. I'm doing adult things now that I never would have foreseen when I wrote the first word on this blog as a freshman. It's just funny to look back sometimes and remember the troubles that I faced or the joys. Everything changes and I would have forgotten a good bit of it had it not been for my habitual writing. Now granted, my composition hasn't improved very much at all. One would think that by writing so much, I would have picked up a few skills here and there, but not really. But seriously, I look back and I'm so glad that I did this. I know that not many people have kept up with it as I went along. Some came and went, but I kept writing regardless. Proof, I suppose, that I really was doing this just to sort out my mind. It's all had its ups and downs though. I recall three deaths logged in this journal. I can also remember a few exciting adventures that decided to document. My emotions are logged quite a bit too... er... as best I could them tending to be so frantic and out of control.

I don't know. I had this grand ending for this segment in my life all thought out, but then I realized, I've already started the next phase. I've just been lazy and haven't really turned the pages here in my journal. Right now I have my diploma, ink still damp, sitting behind me. I have a well paying job with great experience, benefits, and growth potential. I have a wonderful church that I'm really beginning to fall in love with, and I have a girlfriend who's male dog, I fear, is more attracted to me than she is (long story).

But as I sit here, lights flickering (for some ominous reason), I can't help but feel a little emotion welling up. I mean this is one of the few proofs that I did what I did, but as long as it is, it's still so short. I don't know what to make of it. I wonder what I will be doing in ten years, who I will know, what kind of life I will have.

Finally, I owe it all to God. As fickle as I am, He has always gathered up my broken pieces and put me back together again. I survived college and still maintained a love for Jesus while simultaneously paying attention to my professors. That doesn't happen for many people, and all those excluded would call me ignorant, but I have no need or desire to argue with them. Love is my solution now. I know I sound like a flower child, but it's true. I just want to love people, not fight them, not bicker about "the gays" not vote republican or democrat for that matter, not have bumper sticker wars with evolutionists. I just want to love people and all of the pleasure and pain that such desire involves.

This is my last journal entry that I will be posting on this site. I will continue in a new chapter on a different page. I am satisfied, happy, in love, confused, prideful, sad, bitter, controlling, artistic, mindful, selfish, considerate, hypocritical, loyal, brave, coward, lonely, angry, friendly, beautiful and ugly. I'm Nathan Crandell, and I'm all of these things.

Peace and love.


(The new journal will be published soon. I'm going to bed now so I'm not going to stay up and make it right away, but I'll post a link on this site when I'm ready)

Labor Day Weekend

That was a great weekend. I would love to elaborate on every detail as to why it was such a great weekend, but I'm exhausted right now. I'm about to crash. But church yesterday was great and Linzy got back home last night and we spent a good while with each other. I guess I haven't really let any of you know yet, but Linzy is my girlfriend. We haven't been dating for very long and our meeting was pretty random, but she's fabulous and we really hit it off. See, the thing is, she doesn't hold it against me that I'm a nerd. In fact, I think that she might just like me more for being a nerd. So having said that, she's a great girl, and I could go on and on about her, but I really am about to crash right now. Peace and love.

Pride, Paralasys, and the Unknown

I'm up way later than I should be. I need to sleep, but I can't. I've got way too much on my mind. I know it's bad when I start cleaning. It's 1am and I just finished cleaning the bathroom. Short choppy sentences, also an indicator. Let me calm down a little bit and try to articulate this.

Dealing with uncertainty is and always has been one of the hardest opponents for me to face. I like to know what it is I'm getting into, and if I don't have a clue, I sit back and I do all sorts of research on the matter until I feel like I have a pretty good bead on things. It all boils down to control. Am I in control or aren't I? Is God in control? Sometimes I just get so frustrated with my need to know. It's not right, or maybe sometimes it is. But how much of my own heart can I really trust? I've never put too much stock in the whole "follow your heart" mantra, but do I not for the right reasons? Logic would convince me that following your heart with little restraint can lead you down foolish paths, but perhaps I become timid in the face of my passion because I can't control where it will take me. So I'm standing here looking down a road with very poor visibility and it drives me crazy. The desire for adventure meets my control nature, and thus, internal duality. I want to go, but the unknown changes that will happen in me as I take each step past this point... that scares the hell out of me. So it becomes a faith thing. Do I trust that the God who loves me will keep His promises? Do I really believe that? Do I believe that I know God's will well enough to even answer that question? I'm a loose cannon and, as they commonly say in epic movies, I'm either incredibly brave or incredibly foolish. But for the first time, and this is the kicker, for the first time I really don't want to know. And that's how I feel. That's why I can't sleep. This part of me effects so many different areas of my life, whether it be work, spirituality, relationships, whatever. I've been wrestling with this for a while now. I just haven't talked to anyone about it yet either because I don't think they have the time to hear it or because I'm to proud, ashamed, or untrusting. I would write it on a public journal though. Tell me if that makes any sense...

Peace and love

Drought

I've been playing a lot of music lately, at least a few hours every day. My fingers hurt for the first time in years as I keep mashing them up and down the neck of my guitar. My voice hurts from singing and my feet can't stop tapping out a beat. I miss my guitar. I haven't been as good to her as I should.

I'm really tired tonight even though I didn't work that hard. I need to try my best to get more sleep and drink more water. I get dehydrated so easily.

This drought is horrible. It's been steady for a few months now. And though it has rained all across the US with some regularity (I've been watching my radar), it hasn't rained here but a few times. It almost seems like when it does rain, the water never really makes it down past the tree tops. You can hear the sprinkling in the leaves, but not a drop will hit the hot cement beneath your feet. The ground is dusty and everywhere you go people are sneezing. I love sneezing, so that's not so bad, but this is too much of a good thing. I just want it to rain buckets. I want to walk out in it and soak it in.

I don't know what I'm writing about. I think I'm just going to read and go to bed. Peace and love.

Rough Night's Sleep

I'm so confused this morning. My dreams keep disassembling everything that I'm trying to hold together. I can't sleep well at night. I'm getting ready for work now while I contemplate the cowardice of perhaps if only work is hard enough I won't have to think about the things on my mind. I shouldn't be surprised. This is only what I asked for.

At my very core I want to be an honorable man. I want to be righteous, not because I feel that the Lord will be less loving of me if I am not, but because that is where the most full fruits of life exist. It's hard sometimes. It's almost as if that is my dark secret that if anybody found out, they would like me less. But I want to be shaped into a dependable worker, a faithful husband, and a good father. I think that is the basic desire of most men, at least at one point or another. I have a lot of fears that need to be dealt with though, and they need to be dealt with this week.

I'm going to work.

Peace and love.

Heart Wars and Kneeling Water Angels

Sat down a few hours ago and almost wrote out a journal that was a little too personal. I looked it over for a while and decided that sometimes we are better off when we don't tell the world our exact thoughts. In summary though, I had a rough day. Physically my job is very demanding, but today my head was swimming and busy and just messed up. I got messed up by one of my mentors. He gave me a call in response to my request and we talked for all we could, both of us being at work and all. I know he's right, and it kills me. So for the next while I'm going to be silent and still and try to wrestle with God for a bit. It'll be fine because all of my roommates are gone for the weekend (or month) and it'll give me some time just to focus.

Gotta leave work at work and home at home. I made a bunch of careless mistakes today that didn't really damage anything but the clock, and I know better.

Focus. I went to the golf course down near the old Pembroke House tonight on my bike. It's warm out, but when you're out in the open air it still feels cool and chill on your skin. I got there and I walked for a while. The moon was half out, but it was almost too bright to look at with full eyes. There were crickets and cicadas too. Probably the only place they hang out right now being that it's so dry. Humid still, but hard dry dirt. It was a stunning scene. An angel made of water sprinklers was kneeling on the green with huge wings spanning from one side of the rough to the other. The bright moon hit through the water droplet wings and set it to silver. And me? I laid down on the flat of a freshly cut down oak stump and looked up at the sky through the branches of some trees near by. It was a short conversation, but God met me there.

I knew Viking and Stuffy were somewhere at the course riding bikes. They had left earlier while I was watching a movie and I parked next to them. I figured if I bumped into them then I would, but I knew they would probably call me if they got back to the car first and saw my bike there. That's what ended up happening. Then we came back here.

Oh, and in other news, my bicycle was stolen today. Jokes on them though. The back tire was completely flat and so I guess they thought it was just out of air. No no no, the bike tire exploded quite brutally, so much to their chagrin, the pump they stole with the bike will avail them not. Oh... and if they even bother to spend the money to buy a new tube, only one gear on the bike works, and it's the hard one. In short, I'm glad they stole my bike. It's poetic justice at it's finest. They will have to work almost as hard to fix the bike as they would have had to in order to earn the money to buy a bike of greater value.

Anyways, I need some sleep now. Tomorrow is Friday and payday and the day I get to try and figure out how I will spend my weekend. I want to go fishing.

Peace and love.

Clear Your Head

Sometimes I get these cravings to do something completely random and adventurous for at the very least, something to write about. I can't say that what I did today was extraordinarily adventurous, but it was a start for sure. I woke up rather early and started working on my bike before I made my first long trek. I decided to go to the Natchez Trace Parkway and ride into the countryside. It was a great ride and I'm going to be doing it more often. It was just a time for me to get out of the city and clear my head. I've been thinking about a lot of different stuff lately. It's really surprising how complex we are as individuals. I can't imagine knowing someone else fully when I surprise myself all the time. Stuff stays hidden and forgotten sometimes and then all of the sudden it's back. I like it, but can I master it? I know it sounds weird. It's not a bad thing. I'm just a little nervous.

For the rest of the day all of the roommates cleaned house. I feel like we got a lot done, but that's probably because I'm used to our normal living standards. We are definitely above and beyond right now. After we finished cleaning, we cooked out and Mitch came over. I like just sitting around the grill and swapping stories. I'm pretty easy to entertain.

Food ended and I made an unpleasant discover. In my closet in my bedroom I found that when our hot water heater (which got fixed today) busted, It leaked through the wall into my closet and under my dirty cloths. So my dirty cloths were starting to stink pretty bad, meaning that I had to wash all of them tonight. Great. So the last load is in the dryer now and it's 2am. But more friends came over tonight, some that I haven't seen in a while, some that I've never met at all. It's good to run into people.

Now I'm going to bed. I'm waking up early tomorrow and singing at church. I really love it when I get to contribute my musical ability here. It's not often that I do, but it's so fun. Well... here's to another hot Sunday. I'm ready. Are you?

Peace and love.

Night on Tyne Blvd

Okay, so I have to write more. I have a lot on my mind and this is the only thing I know to do when that happens. I found myself thinking a lot today between job commands. I ended up working a 12 hour day, which is great, but it was hard too. Anyways. I talked to several people, just asking them what was up in their day and I got a lot of heavy responses of great and sad things. I must say I love genuine responses, as time consuming as they may be. I was in that kind of a mood today. I wanted to just listen to people, but I also did a bit of sharing myself. There's a lot going on in my life, and a lot of questions that I have.

I had a sit down with one of my friends tonight and I asked her a lot of questions of stuff I was thinking about. She surprised me with some of the things she said in response which I was grateful for. After that I went on a long night ride through some country back roads on my bike. It was another beautiful night and Tyne Blvd was full of turns, cool air, and bugs. Nobody else was out there and the cicadas were so loud they sang over the rumble of my engine. It was so beautiful. It was one of those drives where the tall trees huddle over the road and even the thinest light from the moon creates shadow outlines from their branches above onto the pavement. The smells were great too. That's one of the best things about a motorcycle. You get all of the smells. In a car you can miss it. It's just blowing around inside over your old rug and upholstery. But on a bike, the smell of the leaves and grass at night cooling off after a hot day. I don't know of many things, other than the North Carolina ocean or the rhododendrons in the Appalachian Mountains, that could beat that smell. It was great. I feel closer to God in places like that, and places like on top of the Belmont parking garage where I ended up at the end of my ride. I sat up there on my bike looking over the city, just voicing some of my frustrations to God. I get so frustrated with what Christianity has become and how it has seemingly less and less to do with God and more and more to do with politics, legalism, denomination, and proof and facts and all of these loveless activities. And that's who God is to Americans. God is all of those things because his followers are all of those things. That's frustrating. We've grown so cynical that love might actually be good enough between us and God, us and each other, and us and ourselves. I know I sound like a hippie... Sorry.

This weekend I really want to experience some sort of adventure. I want to break out of the city and go somewhere. Maybe I'll go camping or fishing. Any way I look at it, it's gotta be outdoors and it's gotta be for a long time.

That's the Past Few Days

It's my lunch break. It is also three o'clock. So I'm home right now trying to digest a McDonald's #2 and I thought I would write a few things down while I am here.

First!
I got off of work yesterday and took a shower. I was going to be hanging out with a girl I met not too long ago named Linzy. So I showered and got out and noticed a funny sound coming from Viking's room, sorta sounded like a running toilet. "Viking doesn't have a toilet in his room." I said to myself. It's true... he didn't... I checked it out and sure enough, no toilet, but alas the floor was covered in water. I frantically began to throw furniture out of the way to get to his closet. Once opened I found the hot water heater was gushing water all over the place so I turned off the water and moved the rest of Viking's stuff out of the way just as he got home.

Second!
I tried to find Linzy's place in East Nashville, and I got so totally lost! Embarrassing. But we ended up hanging out and I can't speak for both of us, but I had a great time. We went to the 12ave Tap Room and then we watched... shhhh... we watched anime, but don't tell anybody because we're pretty sure we are dorks for it, so it's kind of a secret. But anyways, yeah. Good times.

Third!
My cell phone alarm failed to wake me up yet again! I know I set it this time, but this is the second night in a row. I think it is possessed, and I am going to get to the bottom of it.

So that's what has been going on lately. I'm working late tonight so I won't be able to do much in the ways of hanging out, but I'm in a really good mood despite the poor choice of food for lunch. I'm looking forward to becoming organized and getting all squared away on this post graduation experience. I'm making money now, which is huge. Now all I have to do is learn how to be content and generous and I think I'll be a-okay. Peace and love.

Reflection Sets In

There it is. There's that moment I was waiting for. The reflective stage of moving on. I haven't really had much time for it until tonight. It has been a time mostly of celebration and love, but reflection, for me, is deepest found in moments of isolation. I went on a ride tonight through the back roads of Nashville, thinking as I was driving. It was too beautiful of a night to pass up. The cool wind blowing through my nylon jacket felt liberating, like showering in air. I remembered lots of things. I think most of it was over dinner discussion tonight with my parents and uncle sitting around as my friends and I reminisced over stories from the past. Viking was right, we do have some really good stories and they get better and better with age. But I have found a great many things within myself that I am thankful for. I know who I am now, and I think I know what I want. I'll be moving in that direction, I've been moving in that direction I suppose. If you were to ask me, I wouldn't know what to tell you. It's hard to put into words, but I keep feeling it. It's some sort of, dare I say, calling for which I have been given all of this strength and drive, but no vision as to exactly where to pour it. It's coming though, or at least I would like to think it is coming. I may die tomorrow and we would never know, but I'd like to think that it is coming.

Again, I can't stress how happy I was with graduation last night and just the time of fellowship I have had with family and friends this weekend. In time, much will change, but I commit these things to memory, and as Viking said before, they will get better and better with age. I will have something to talk about when I am old and I have kids of my own going through similar situations. I'm grateful for that.

Peace and love.

Graduated

I wanted to make this a long journal, but I feel really sick right now. It's a really bad headache. But anyways, I graduated today. This officially closes out my college career and the title of this journal. I've been writing now for almost four years for well over 500 posts and probably well over a thousand pages of history made. It was great, though I felt a little impatient. It was nice to have my parents and uncle there and a whole row of my friends screaming me on as I walked. I was really sad that one of them didn't come, the only one in fact.

But I have my diploma now, and all is well. I think I'm going to just sit and try to shake off this headache for a while before I go to bed.

Peace and love.

Security and Anxiousness

I woke up this morning a few minutes early to attend men's Bible study with Mitch. I got there and thankfully they had coffee, so I managed to wake up. But I had to be at work right after I got there, and today was going to be a long day. I'm pretty tired right now. It was hot outside, and even though I didn't work out in it, I still got zapped.

Something has me anxious too. I don't know what it is, but my patience is shorter right now than usual. I know it's a big weekend, but I don't think that's quite what's going on.

I did just see some pictures from an old place where my heart still gets lost on occasion. I even thought about it today before I even stumbled upon those pictures, so I know it's not just coincidence. I miss Guatemala. I haven't been in five years, and I really miss it. I miss the beach too.

But today I had some good news. I'm getting hired full time by the company I'm currently sub-contracting under. I feel really good about it, and I'm sure I'll be negotiating a salary tomorrow. I hope they can take care of me. I must admit, it has had me thinking a bit about my future here. There is a lot of promise I must say, but where and for how long? That, I do not know the answer to.

So I guess I'm just going to fall asleep to a movie. Peace and love.

Few More Days

Just a couple more days until I graduate. I haven't really been thinking much about it other than... what Belmont could spring on me at the last minute in order to screw things over for me. But I've checked with them three times now and it's all systems go. I feel pretty good about everything. Not only am I graduating finally, but I also have a job waiting for me when I'm done. The next few years should be pretty simple though. I'm going to be mostly just working at paying off my student loans. After that, who knows. But I doubt my lifestyle will change very much. I mean I want to start eating more healthy foods and I'd like to get a YMCA membership so I can swim on a regular basis, but other than that I don't really mind living at this standard. I just want to make good money so I can pay off Belmont.

Other than that I'm not really thinking too much in the long term. I think that can be a problem for me sometimes. I don't focus enough on what is at hand because I'm too distracted by either my past or my future. Finding middle ground really is the best way in my opinion.

Not really much else to say. Peace and love.

The I Don't Know Journal

Not much to do right now. I've been surfing the internet, but I don't really go but between facebook, friend bloggs and e-mail. The internet is boring to me. I guess there's not really much that I want to know right now. I'm listening to a really good band that I didn't know I had. They're called Mae. I have the music up pretty loud and I'm the only one home. I feel pretty strong today. I feel like I have a clear sense of things. Life undergoes its hardships but I'm not going to let it slow me down.

It's hot outside and it will be for the rest of the week. I don't really know why I'm even writing right now if that's all I have to say... I might just take a nap, maybe read something. Lord knows I could go without TV for a little bit. Here goes. I'm going to go do something.

Me and You

Sometimes I get into these positions where the people around me have great things happen to them and then I start thinking about myself and what is missing. I feel lacking, like I don't have as many important things to say, or maybe I'm not as considerate, or maybe I'm not as attractive. I know it's stupid to feel like that. I don't know why I still have a problem with it, but I have a feeling that things would make more sense to me if I were to just dodge myself. Stop thinking about what I have and don't have and just love people for all I can. I think that when I focus on myself, that's when I become overly concerned with "justice", what's fair and what's not.

One of the books I'm reading right now is from this old Japanese manuscript. It's called "Budoshoshinshu: The Warrior's Primer of Daidoji Yuzan". Basically it's the honor code of samurai and I already know I'm a huge nerd for reading it, but I don't really care. I was reading one part that I really agreed with. It said to focus on your mortality day and night. If you know that your life is just a brief moment, you will not take any amount of time for granted. The Bible also alludes to that on several occasions. I've been doing that lately and I feel like I'm paying less attention to what I think is fair, and I'm helping people more selflessly, and it is more fulfilling.


I'm out. Peace and love.

Immersion

I haven't eaten dinner yet and I suppose I should, but I've been immersed in something amazing. I'm not talking about love, but it has a few of the same side effects. I'm not going to say much about it right now as a few things have yet to fall into place. Keeping my fingers crossed though...

It's been nice not having a TV for the past few days. Mitch is moving out with Jason right now and he took the one we were using. It's gone and now we actually do a fair share of communication. I have a real love-hate relationship with television. I went out for coffee and reading tonight... or rather, hot tea and reading. I'm not much of a coffee drinker, though I suppose I could use a cup in the morning on the occasion. This morning was pretty rough. I hit snooze a couple of times in a half awake stupor, and I must have hit the wrong button finally because I fell back asleep and was woken by a phone call. It was my boss asking me where I was. Fortunately I wasn't late yet, but you should have seen me fly. I was up and out and at work in 10 minutes. That's pretty much a record for me. But I hate it when that happens, and it does about three times a year. I need to figure out a better way of waking up in the morning. I think I am going to have to require that I go to sleep earlier because I just don't think my body is pulling enough hours on the pillow. I also need to cut back on the beer again. I drink a lot of times pretty close to bedtime, and that's not good. That means I can't enter REM, which is where my body gets all of its rest. Basically, all this to say that the way I am governing my life right now isn't very healthy. I could use a few alterations in diet, sleep habits, and mental focus.

I might find out my hire status by tomorrow though. They had a meeting today about me (I think) and whether or not they could hire me. I know I had a lot of guys backing me up. They really like me over there, at least, the ones that I have worked with. I would love a full time position, but my spirit is prepared if I am declined. I still have the determination to find satisfactory employment.

Bunches of people will start arriving in Nashville pretty soon though. I do miss seeing everybody, running into people I am familiar with at the grocery store or at church. All that is great, but I'm still uncertain as to what is going to happen between my inner circle of friends. Everybody is changing rapidly. Some of them are getting depressed, some of them are entering new mentalities, some are breaking away. I don't know which category I fall under exactly. I don't feel depressed. I feel rather motivated. I kind of feel like I'm entering a new mentality, but is it happening that rapidly? And I guess I am breaking away ever so slightly, developing new hobbies, and trying to meet new people. But basically, a lot is changing around us and I think it will become shaky for some. I want to try and have a positive spin on things. I think the biggest temptation is for us to turn inwards and focus on ourselves, blocking out the feelings of our friends and anyone else around us. It is pretty common for me to do this, but I will try to maintain an awareness during the next few months.

Well... I'm going to cook some dinner and get to sleep early tonight. Peace and love.

Sunday Prep Time

Just got done cleaning my room. I was trying really hard to get rid of stuff that I've been holding onto for years for the simple reason that they remind me of something specific. I'm trying to let go of those idols. I can write and I can develop a memory, but being a pack rat isn't very wise, at least, I don't personally find it to be a good idea. It's mostly just a waste of space. I have a much smaller room in this new place than I did before. breaking things down into necessity really helps me to relax.

I think I'm getting a paycheck tomorrow... which is a surprise! It will be the first of hopefully many professional paychecks to come. My financial plan is to develop a strong foundation and start investing after that. I figure that I've been living a sub-bohemian lifestyle for the past three-and-a-half years. I should be able to hold on a little longer. Honestly it is tempting though. I will soon have the capacity to buy all of these nice things, but I don't really need them. I need to remember to use my money wisely.

I do have a few priority purchases though. First off, I need to repay all my friends for the favors they have done for me. Secondly, I need to buy a few priority tools for work, and finally, I need some new cloths. I only own one pair of pants that don't have holes in them. I figure I should start looking more like a big-boy now that I'm about to graduate.

Speaking of graduation, I'm not really looking forward to it. I mean it doesn't really mean anything to me now. I would have been really engaged had it been in May with all of my friends around me, but now it's just... well... it's not the same. My parents and uncle will be coming up to see me though, so that will be nice. The last time anyone from my family was here was last year. It's not really their fault. I was the one who chose to go to college so far away.

Well, Heidi is here from High Point for the next few days for a business seminar, so we'll probably be hanging out. I should be getting some rest today, but I might go swimming instead... who knows. Either way I look at it, things are good and I fell good too, other than the random nausea I've been having for the past few days. Whatever. I'll deal with it. Peace and love.


Oh... almost forgot. I ran front of house for the first time at Midtown today without any supervision. It went really well, though I thought it sounded a bit muddy. I'll better develop my ears to that room though as time goes on. I need to get used to a sensitive graphic EQ.

Overtime

I've been worked pretty hard this week, but I still like it. I will be looking forward to my first real paycheck this coming week, but I'm still a little unsettled. I don't know how long the company plans on keeping me as a contracted employee. I would much rather be hired up full time (duh), and I've heard whispers from some of the supervisors that I'm seriously being considered. The problem lies not in the fact that I'm impatient, I mean, that has something to do with it, but the problem is that I'm completely out in the open. I have no financial protection and I have no certainties on living situations. If I get the job, great, but if not I'll still be leaving Nashville and I'm going to end up screwing over my roommates because of it. I don't want that to happen, but at this point, I have no choice. I can't stay in this half way point for to much longer...

But life has been steady other than that. I'm really working hard at meeting new people, getting more involved in church small groups. I've started by varying up my afternoons. I don't just come home and watch TV anymore. I go out. The other night, Viking and I went bike riding at the golf course. It was beautiful. There were lightning bugs everywhere and in the moonlight, the sprinklers looked like wings extending over the perfectly manicured grass. The air was cool and it was new. I understood at that moment that as long as I can recognize the beauty around me, I won't be bored for a moment. Last night, Burly, Cowboy, and I went out and hung out at a lounge. We talked about life and spent time together that wasn't in front of the TV. That was nice too. I even ran into a friend who I haven't seen in several years there.

As for today, well, I ended up going to work. They didn't call me in, I requested it. Again, I really like my job, and I'm trying hard to learn more about it. But after that I went over to help AP move into his new house. Let me tell you, that house is ridiculously nice. It's construction is probably 1950's but it has been well kept. With high ceilings and hard wood floors, I could say that I'm a bit envious.

So after all of that hard work, I'm seriously considering taking a nap. I think tonight I'm going to start going through some of my stuff to get rid of worthless crap that I'll probably never use. I really need to get my list of possessions down, like a diet, if you will. Anyways, I'll try to keep everyone updated on the happenings. Peace and love.

Weight of the World

I've never written so many journals in such a short period of time, but I feel like I really need to write. I just got off of work early today because I will be spending the rest of it in class. This only happens on Tuesday, so it's not so bad. But I was wiring an electronics gear rack today. It's a big box where different electronic equipment sits. I don't know how else to describe it. In the tech field, everyone just calls it a rack. I enjoyed working on it. I like that the company requires it to look good back there, not to have just a bunch of wires hanging out everywhere. Anyways, the tedious labor that I had to put into placing each wire in just the right spot gave me something to learn and something to focus on. I still couldn't help but think of all of the change taking place around me. I want to be more involved in the deeper parts of my friends' lives. But the thing is, I have to be allowed. I can't just demand it.

Anyways I was also thinking about how I let the weight of the world come down on my shoulders. Again, it's another of my characteristics that tends to be a result of my control oriented nature. I will never win an argument with anyone because I hold myself responsible for everything and because of that, I tend to be easily led into guilt. I should have more confidence in myself. I'm not dumb. I know my friends might joke about it, but I don't think they really think I'm dumb either. I'm not a very good listener, that's for sure. I can talk up a storm, but I could use a little development in the listening and memory department. But I'm feeling a lot of stress right now, and I don't really think the majority of it is legitimate. On the other hand, bad things have been happening to me lately that really haven't bothered me at all. My stolen iPod, my dwindling bank account, my living situation, and the parking ticket I got today just for being a Belmont student (I'll explain later). None of that stuff bothered me. Anyways, the parking ticket I got was in a lot at Vanderbilt in a building I am currently working in with TI. The ticket, which was a warning and not a full ticket, said that I didn't have a permit. Now I do have a huge Belmont parking permit on the back of my car, and that plus the fact that none of the other workers in the lot who don't have a permit didn't get a ticket (I drove around and looked) seems to indicate to me that the V-po that gave me the ticket just doesn't like Belmont students. Whatever. I happen to be good friends with one of the commanding officers at Vandi, so I don't think it'll be a problem.

Anyways, off to lunch then to class.

Feeling Better

I feel a lot better this morning. Maybe I just needed some sleep.

Don't Read This. It Makes Me Seem Desperate.

So that's a confirmation. I was reading a book yesterday that talked about Adam and Eve. It suggested that Adam may have been alone for up to 90 years before God saw that he was lonely and so he created Eve so that they might complete each other. But during that time, Adam lasted those long years with the relationship he had with God and with the task of naming the animals. That's a lot of animals. So I was thinking to myself, am I lonely or am I just bored? I waste a lot of my life not doing stuff. I don't have any active hobbies, and my relationship with God probably isn't anywhere near as personal as it was between He and Adam. So boredom seemed to be the answer. I'm not lonely, I'm just bored.

That seemed to make sense to me yesterday, but I feel completely different tonight. I have been so obsessed over the changes taking place in my life that I have failed to note any of the heavy changes taking place in my friends. Tonight I am hurt because I indeed realize that I am truly lonely in the deeper sense. Mostly my friends and I have stayed close on surface levels, and I know our friendship is genuine because we make sacrifices for each other. But the deepest parts of my heart and spirit have no place to go. Either my friends just don't want to talk about, or they don't see them as I do. We have, all of us, changed unnoticed. I feel like this is more likely to happen with guys than it is girls. I feel like we don't share the deeper emotions we feel with each other because it makes us feel uncomfortable, but then after a long period of failed communication, it's as if we don't recognize our spirits anymore.

And it's just like me to internalize these things and translate them into "me" and how it makes "me feel". Who cares how he feels, it's about how it makes me feel. Who cares if he needs someone to talk to, it's about how comfortable I feel just listening. I had a tall hurtful glass of truth tonight from a friend. I play god with people's lives, I make generalizations, my so called Christian love shies in comparison to atheists who live half way across the world and who were only known for a few months. I am just one of several reasons for lost faith. And this is after I had already accused myself of laughing at things that I knew were not funny, but I was still to much of a coward not to laugh. Perhaps these things weren't said verbatim, but that's what I picked up.

So right now I feel like a low and worthless human being, a failed friend, a man with very little impact, and above all else, lonely. I wish I had someone to talk, not to, but with. I wish I had someone who saw what I saw and wanted to encourage me to be all I could be. I want someone to do the same for. I serve Jesus the best I can, which isn't that great, but I desire to, and that has filled me with more meaning than I could have ever built for myself. But there is definitely a piece missing. I'm not even talking about romance. I just want someone to sit down and talk with for hours on end. I feel like I have so much to say and so many questions to ask.

Sometimes I just want to run away from it all. I want to try again, as if a new place would somehow make it seem like a new life. It's not. It would be just as full of problems as my current one. But the truth is, relationships with friends will hurt. We will fall short of our expectations for each other. The closer you are to someone, the greater the amount of damage they can do to you, and the likelihood of it happening is pretty high. Human error accounts for a great deal of most of life's problems. But you have to decide if the pain is worth the reward. I think it is. Sometimes it's really hard to keep going, but it is worth it in the end.

I'm going to go to bed now and I'll wake up in the morning and probably make myself too busy to think about any of this stuff. That's how I manage. I just zone out, accomplish my objectives, and then I do it again. But as soon as I get bored, I get scared because I tend to realize my surroundings.

South Harpeth

I ran Front of House sound today at church for the first time ever. It was weird. I felt out of practice. I think it went well though, considering I haven't done anything to that scale before. I mean this isn't your average church sound system. This system serves as one of Nashville's largest music venues during the week. That means we have to set everything up in the morning, make sure it all works, and then when it's all over, we have to break everything down again. It's a lot of work. But I was enthralled by the challenge of it. The only error that happened was out of my control anyways, so I didn't feel too bad. There was frequency interference with the wireless mics, so we just switched in the middle of the service. I'll be running again next week. I've taken some good notes.

After church we ended up going to the Sir Pizza like we always do. I mean the pizza sucks, but it has turned into a solid tradition, so I go every week. Once that is over we usually go back to one defined place and play video games or watch TV for a while. That's what we did today, only the gathering was pretty small. Then there's ultimate frisbee. That happens at about four, but I don't go anymore. I don't like to play during the extreme seasons. But I found myself at a crossroads today. I wasn't going to play frisbee, so what was I going to do. I decided to go out to my spot at the river out in the country. It's an awesome drive, and well worth it. When I got there I tried knocking on one of the doors of the houses near by just to let them know I was there, but no one answered. I ignored the signs that posted No Trespassing and I made my way down to a large dry log protruding out of the water. It was flat on one side, just perfect for sitting on. So I sat there and read and thought. I thought about a lot of things, like what a satisfying life would be like and what I currently allow to prevent me from living the life I envision. I would think about this and then get right back into my reading. Then I would stop and think again about whether or not I'm really lonely and in need of a girlfriend. What if I'm just bored? Then I read again. Then I would stop and skip rocks or fidget my feet around in the water as the little minnows and crayfish seemed very interested in them. Or maybe I would just stop and look at my surroundings, run my toes through the small rocks that I imagined as sand, smell the air, listen to the little gurgles of water and cicadas in the air. It was two hours of bliss.

On my way out, I did eventually find someone who I could ask permission from. His name was Bill and he was a weathered old man on the back of a riding lawnmower. He seemed really gentle and caring though, as if he had spent a few years of his own with grandkids.

"Sure, you can come out here any time you want just as long as you keep it clean. But you seem like a nice boy. Looks like you were just out here for a read. That's nice."

Ah, but it just made me want to buy a small shack out in the country and build it into a nice cottage. I would love doing something like that. I don't know how long I could stand it though. It would be rare for any of my friends to make it out of the city to visit, at least rare by my standards. But I think about having a tin roof, hard wood floors, and a fire place on a hillside in the woods, and I'm pretty happy. Who knows. Maybe it'll be something I'll really consider. Probably not for a while though.

Peace and love.

Live Like It

I was in and out of a discouraging funk today. I want adventure, but it doesn't seem like anyone else around me is interested. I think I'm going to have to go back to the old days when I just did stuff by myself. I'm not saying always, but sometimes I just need to get out and do something crazy.

Right now I feel like my life can be summed up pretty much in two categories. Either it's working, or it's watching TV. I don't get out much.

Tonight was a little bit different though. Vike and I went to see Weeman's band Disco Arts Collective play in East Nashville. There weren't many people there, but it was still fun and different. It was in a really old house, which I thought was awesome. But the music was great. The first band that played was just two guys on electric guitars... Well... one kept switching between electric and drums, but you get the picture. They played songs that put me into a trance. I got to thinking about all of the different people I have been throughout life. I thought a lot about who I was now. I try not to be dissatisfied with things like "self". It's mostly mentality, how you value yourself. But there are things about me that I'm really embarrassed about. Not being able to spell very well is one, not being able to remember people's name is another. There are also traits about me that I think I falsely advertise. I think it to be funny when I talk to someone who lets off that they're surprised that I'm a nice guy. I think a lot of people think I'm arrogant and no good. But this is new. I don't recall anyone getting that idea from me in high school. Most people thought I was nice and pleasant to be around. I think it's because I have started to socially retract. I have allowed myself to stand on the outskirts of a room instead of in the middle. I have allowed myself to stay away from meeting new people, when I used to be pretty good at it.

I'm tired of not meeting new people. I know a lot of my friends would feel uncomfortable at that, but I don't think I'm going to let that stop me. I'm going to make more of an effort. I keep saying that it's a new chapter in life, but it's high time I started living like it. I have great potential to be a friend to many, not just a few. I know that about myself. I want to attain that again. I'm tired of just being comfortable all of the time! I'm tired of watching TV with people. I'm 23 damn years old! I have a lot more ahead of me than that! I just feel like I'm wasting so much time!

So I'm going to make steps to make changes and see if anyone else follows or not. Here's hoping.

Peace and love.

Here's the Skinny

Just took one more dose of nyquil. I felt fine most of yesterday but then today it kicked in pretty hard while I was at work. I just had a lot of cold sweats is all. I'll get to sleep in tomorrow which is going to be great.

I found out today that I don't get paid for another week. That makes me a bit sad, but I think I can make it. I hope I can make it.

Sunday I'll be running front of house at church for the first time at Rocketown. I'm excited. I don't think I should be nervous because it's a pretty simple set up compared to what I'm used to, but for some reason, I still am.

I've been hanging out with the girls a lot lately too. It's nice to have friends of the opposite sex. It helps even out all my rough edges and reminds me that communication can sometimes take effort, but it is worth the energy. See, with guys, communication can be transmitted by simple gestures, but with girls, you have to say what you mean and say it clearly... That is... at least until you know each other well enough to communicate through gestures.

I'm getting pretty heavy right now. The nyquil must be kicking in.

The job is pretty exciting still. They teach me something new every day, and I'm really liking where the possibilities are headed. I really hope they'll be able to take care of me financially. That is my final big concern. But the experience is great. I'm actually starting to pick up my old books and brush up on some old trade skills and terminology.

That's it. I can't write anymore... WAYYYYY too tired.

Peace and love.

What's at the Top

I got really sick yesterday and early this morning I didn't feel too great. I had a fever and a pretty bad headache, but I still went to work. Right now I just have a headache, so I'm fine. I also had my Ipod stolen out of my tool box today at work, right out from under my nose. I couldn't have been more than 20 feet from it when it happened. But these things do happen. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. I have to remind myself that it's just an Ipod, and if I were going to be so upset and judgmental at its loss, perhaps I shouldn't have owned it in the first place. I have to learn to surrender this feeling inside of me that flares up when I feel that I have been wronged. That is my most lethal flaw and it gets me into a lot of trouble.

But things are steady right now. My new job is starting to make allowances for me to do more complicated, technical things. I'm trying to remember a lot, and there is a lot yet that I do not know, but I'm working on it as best I can. Either way, a hefty pay check is in the mail!

I'm finally feeling it though. I feel like I'm accomplishing something, or on the verge of accomplishing something. I feel as if I might just be able to take care of myself. I know it sounds silly, at least in modern culture, but it makes me feel like more of a man. I think about that a lot, about how, at my age, my parents were already married and had kids. I just don't feel anywhere near that responsible yet, but I want to. I don't think it is beyond me, I just feel like I've got a few obstacles to jump over before I land on my feet. Peace and love

Accept the Situation

Do you ever have a very specific need that you need a very specific person to listen to? I'm having that right now, and I'm missing that very specific person. I can talk to my friends about a lot of things and they will listen, but you don't go to the black smith to have him sew you some cloths... meaning, not everyone is a professional on every issue.

Gosh, just give me some time. I'll get over this hump like I always do. It's just a matter of time before I accept my situation.

Too Tired

I'm so confused tonight about a lot of things. I mean I'm not really surprised that I'm confused. I'm just confused. I've never had so much uncertainty in one sitting before.

I must confess to being extraordinarily tired tonight though. I know I say that a lot, that I'm tired, but I'm just physically spent in every sense of the word. I've been working pretty hard, and after work, I go work out, and I've been doing that all week. But tonight I'm finally crashing. My body just needs some time to catch up. But I'm looking forward to the weekend.

Oh, I've also been having some pretty strange thought as of late too. I mean not like weird juggling bear on a unicycle thoughts, but thoughts that I've not had in a long time. I'm not going to overreact this time. I'll probably just let them pass.

It's nine o'clock. I think I'm going to bed. Peace and love.

Surprised?

I'm going to jump around a bit from topic to topic, so stay with me.

Work is good. It's stimulating. I'm not in the service industry anymore and it is breathtaking... in a good way. I get to construct things, to fulfill my desire to create. At the end of the day I can look back and say "That's what I did today", and I'm simultaneously gaining experience in my career. That's great!

I've been combating my poor sleep habits as of late too. The way I've started to attack it is by working all day and then heading to the gym after work. It helps me relieve any stress I might have while putting me in better physical condition at the same time. And at night, I'm usually so tired, as soon as I hit the pillow I fall asleep and stay asleep.

I've been talking to a lot of girls lately about the mind of men. A lot of them understand our basic formula pretty well, but some don't. I think it's a shame because we really are simple at our very foundation. I mean, we are born with five basic desires. We want food, sleep, fulfilling work, to be needed, and sex. Anything else beyond that in our personality is based upon the culture and education we receive throughout life. So though some men might be more complex than just the five basic desires, if a woman understands that he will still make his decisions based upon one, if not more of them, she will understand a great deal. However, lots of girls don't know any of it. Most surprising to women is the fact that just about all straight men who they consider to be friends and spend a decent amount of time with might secretly want more than just friendship. Granted, I would consider decent men to practice self control, and many do, but a naive understanding can lead to dangerous interactions either by unknowingly leading an uncontrolled man on, or by falling victim to his scheming. All I've got to say is there are a lot of good books out there that talk about this subject and how to better understand it, and if a girl doesn't already, she might should check one of them out. I personally think "Wild at Heart" is a great one for church chicks to read. Though I don't agree with everything John Eldridge says, I still think he's got a lot of good written insight into the minds of men. Look into it.

But now I'm going to sleep. I've got a lot to think about tonight, more than I am privileged enough to write down at the moment. But I'm sorting through all of it and hopefully I'll have some answers soon.

Peace and love.

The Hard Thoughts Driving Me

The first day on the job today was great. I'm still really wet behind the ears, but I seem to have maintained a proper understanding of hierarchy and freshman mentality. This keeps me off of other people's toes. It was exhausting though. Not necessarily the work I was doing, but just paying attention to every little detail. I'm trying to learn very quickly something that has taken these guys many laborious hours to master. But I'm excited about it. I hope to somehow make this a career move. I would really like it if I could get some sort of finalization either here or in Raleigh.

It's hard to think about what I want though, I mean as far as distant future is concerned. Certainly I have many friends here and it would be nice to stay, but I feel slated into this form with very little room for change. I don't think I'm anywhere close to my potential, I sell myself short all of the time. Sometimes I feel like a new beginning might inspire me to achieve new heights, but sometimes it is nice to have familiarity too. I don't know. I think deep down I'm just scared of sticking around more than I am of leaving. My desire has always been to have a family of my own, someone to care for and support. Work is how I achieve that. But I've been so distant from relationships for so long, I feel numb to it. I'm also not meeting new people because I just don't have the time or energy, and, more specifically, I feel separate from my generation. I was raised in the old way, in chivalry, virtue, decisive leadership, and romance. So, not only am I not living fully to those personal standards, but I haven't met a woman in this state who desires that in a man. Of course, the one standard I am living in fully is decisive leadership. I think a lot of people consider me to be a selfish snob due to that particular sect of my personality (which perhaps there is some truth to). Some I can just sense it through their passive-aggressive nature, others tend to lash out at me, making it clear that they are uneasy about any decisions or thoughts I might have. Expansion and contraction, much like a beating heart.

But it's a strange town, Nashville. It's the kind of place where people get out of college and don't move to that next step. My generation takes up jobs to get by and tries desperately to stay where it is comfortable. And as I see more and more people here pushing thirty with no hint of desire for marriage or a family, and more and more of my younger friends from North Carolina are getting married and starting families of their own, it scares me. I am not maturing here. I am comfortable. And with the last breath of my inner virtue, buried deep in selfish indulgence, I'm screaming out for change, for someone to fight for.

I don't mean to sound condemning. I don't blame any of my friends for these feelings I have. If anything, I think we all are coming into similar light as of late. I think we all have a passion for something deeper because we know it's there. I think we all can see how we've allowed ourselves to settle in one spot for a great length of time, making no strides for change. It feels good. It is predictable. Life has been hard and uncertain all through college, and it is always good to have something comfortable and predictable to fall back on in uncertain times.

But this is a new passage in life. It's not college anymore. My heart has always been guarded to that. I remember coming to college that I promised myself I would never consider, at any point here, that I had reached my full potential. At that moment, when a man makes such a declaration, he condemns himself to living the rest of his life in pursuit of the full glory he thought he once had. I don't want my most glorious years to be spent at age 23. I want there to be greater things in life for me, much farther down the road.

These are the thoughts driving my decisions as of late. I do not mean to be hurtful to the people I love, but I must remain ever watchful for the next opportunity to rise in life. Perhaps it might be a fallacy, or just a form of pride, but I've always felt a deep sense of drive towards something great that I was specifically designed to accomplish. So I'll take the risk and follow that road.

Peace and love.

No Complaints

I've been writing a lot of new songs. I just recorded one tonight and, though I'm still happy with the song, I'm not happy enough with the recording to release it yet. Things are good in life right now though. I mean, I don't really see myself complaining about anything right now. I remember I heard a sermon on that once. We should never live life as if our ideal moment was not having anything to complain about. That would be living out of pessimism. But really, things are going well, though still unpredictable. I've said it before though. That's the way I prefer things to be.

I start with my new job tomorrow. It'll be rough going, and I'm a little bit intimidated just because this is what it all comes down to. Do I really know my craft? I'm curious, excited, nervous, and unsure. I just don't want to be in anyone's way and I want to make sure they get their money's worth. This really is a crash course, and it's not something I'm entirely prepared for. I think I know the fundamentals, but I've never installed anything professionally before. It'll be a combination between what my dad does for a living and what I've been studying for the past four years, so I guess I can't say that it will be completely new to me.

Sleep has still been difficult though. I'm not sure what it is, other than the heat in my room. But I just can't get a good night sleep. My body chemistry is way off balance, that's for sure. I'm more aggressive, my skin is more oily, and my thoughts are unclear. Don't tell me this is another jolt of puberty. Isn't it a little late for that now? Whatever. If it will give me the gift of a full beard, then I guess I'm for it.

So I'm running through the list. I want to make sure i have everything tomorrow. It's going to be exciting, and it's going to pay more than I'm making now. I really need to make sure I can make my current finances last a couple of weeks. It'll be tough, really tough, but I'm sure I'll get through it one way or another.

Peace and love.

Bars, Stripes, Curves, and Circles

This is just so strange. I can't be too detail specific right now, but I never expected something like this to arise. What wisdom do I have to make these kinds of decisions, what strength? I only pray that I can be quiet and observant enough to receive the answers to my questions.

For any one who was wondering, life has this fantastic consistency to be inconsistent and unpredictable despite all preperations and suppositions. And what's more, matters which apply to relationships also apply to several other venues of life as well. And me? I try as hard as I can, but I just seem to screw up again and again in relationships, so here's hoping. I'm really glad I have tomorrow off. I need to think.

But what about the Fourth of July? I don't know what was in to me today, but I just wasn't feeling it. I didn't want to watch the fireworks. It just didn't mean anything to me. I know that sounds unpatriotic, but perhaps I am. What it means to be an American to me seems so hopeless. I see how much we hurt others, what unshakable institutions we have in place, the electoral college, ivy league, iron handed corporation, the church losing it's purpose and meaning in a post modernistic society where no one truth exists. What hope is there, really? I have to search within mankind, within myself, to understand what is so redeemable about mankind that God consistently stays with us. It does not make sense to me. It just does not make sense to me anymore.

"The greater the circle of understanding, the greater the circumference of darkness."

I believe it was Albert Einstein who managed to break down everything I feel into that one quote. The more I learn and experience, the more unfeasible the idea of redemption becomes. If over 6.5 billion people on this earth revere themselves as god, as the determinent of their own truth as well as the ardent followers of their teachings, where does that leave us as a whole? A man's words and actions are only a skin thick surface to the lifetime of depth of his heart, and much of the time, those words and actions aren't even congruent with his true inner dwellings. To me, it would be a great God who could manage to find one redeeming quality in the whole lot of us, both Christian and non. To me, it will be quite interesting to behold how God might make a heaven out of so much opposing diversity. I have brothers and sisters who all pray to the same God who see almost no commonality in value. And that only states my concern with those who claim to be born again. What about all of the bitter, all of the unknowing, all of the preconceiving, all of the apathetic? What works must be done to settle this existence by a manner of glory desrving of the God who rules over it?

Hard Cover

Just got in from a pretty rough past few days. I've been trying to sleep better, but it hasn't exactly worked out as well as I had hoped. I vaguely remember going through phases like this before, and I guess I'm just going to have to wait it out. Eventually my body will be too tired to NOT sleep well. Helping that process lately has been work. I've been working my tail off for the past four days because there's a huge convention staying at the hotel right now. They'll be gone by tomorrow, but I saw more than I'd care to in one week. My legs have been fatigued as of late and my left knee is starting to bother me. Running up and down stairs all day is pretty high impact, not to mention all of the suitcases I've been handling. For the most part it keeps me in shape, but right now it's a little extreme. Anyways, enough about work.

I've been taking hits a lot lately, and I have to keep reminding myself to perservere. Sometimes it can feel like God is repetitiously poking me with a stick. Every once-in-a-while I need a reminder of mercy, which hasn't really come yet, but I've never doubted God as having His head in the game, so-to-speak. I will just keep pressing through all of this opposition and see what happens in the end. Honestly, if I haven't picked this up as a reoccuring theme in life yet... I don't know if I ever will.

But music has been flowing from these past few weeks. I have written four new songs, some which may never be heard, but four none the less. I really see it as sort of odd, how it has come back to me just as the light in the tunnel becomes visible. It's as if I really wasn't supposed to write many songs in college, but just to experience and feel. I write about different things now. I'm not obsessive about love anymore. Certainly some of my lyrics still contain love messages, but my music covers several spectrums of life now as opposed to when I first entered college. All I could write was music and lyrics based around the mental image of one girl. It literally drove me crazy. Perhaps I am a little more numb to "true love" now than I used to be, but this is just a season. Friends are what is important to me now as this season of my life begins to close. In my mind I see this thick book with a hard cover begin to close on the last page. From right to left the back cover slowly casts a shadow over the last written words of my college experience. But at the same time I am handed a new book. This one is even thicker and all of the pages have yet to be written on. It's intimidating. But I've been spending any amount of free time with my friends, trying to create just a few more memories before I leave this place. It's tricky, and it becomes more real every day, but the world keeps spinning through space.

Tonight Matt, Viking, and I walked to a park and tossed the frisbee around for a while. We also managed to get a few good minutes on the playground. Why not? When we got back we ordered hotwings and watched Ultimate Fighting with Joey. Tomorrow I'm running sound at church, but we will do the pizza thing as always.

"Oh the times, they are a changin."

Peace and love.

Sleeping Pills and Payin Bills

I woke up this morning a bit confused. I've been having a really difficult time sleeping for the past two months, and now I'm so tired I'm finally willing to do something about it. I took two tylonol pm last night before i went to bed hoping that it would knock me out for the entirity of the night. Didn't work. I woke up in the middle of the night simply feeling drowsy and in the midst of a really bad dream. It was set in surgery, only I was the patient. There was something wrong with my heart so the doctors put me under and started working. The only problem was, I wasn't sedated enough and as they cut me open and spread my ribcage apart with their clamps, I could feel it all, the cutting and the cracking of my bones, and the open-air beating of my heart. My eyes were stuck open the whole time, I was paralized so I couldn't move or scream. I just lay there afraid and in pain. I managed to fall back asleep, but morning came much to quickly. The pills hadn't worn completely off by the time I had to get up and pull myself into my cloths for work. I was late, of course, and everybody was running around, but I was just strolling initially, like I was in my own world. I got a bit faster as time moved on and people started losing patience with me. I didn't really care though. People have been snapping at me a lot lately and I'm stomaching it, just not letting it get to me. Usually it really does bother me when someone is displeased with me. I want to be a pleaser, but part of me is aware that I can't and that it shouldn't be my sole priority.

I ended up working harder today than I ever had before. I just zoned out and did my job without personal feeling and hesistation. I ended up making more than I've ever made there before too. That was nice. I ended up treating myself to a dinner out for a change. I've been living off of soup and scraps for a really long time now. Viking and I went to Las Palmas. We talked, but my meal didn't fill me up. I even went to town on the chips and nothing. After that we went over to his place and he and Joey and I watched The Wonder Years. I love and hate that show all at the same time. It's a beautiful show that was a huge part of my childhood, but I think I took far too much female advice from Kevin Arnold than I should have. I hold him directly responsible for all my failures;) But it was good. Now I'm just listening to music and waiting for these pills to kick in. Yeah, I'm trying again, but this time a little earlier. Maybe the pills will have a chance to ware off by morning. Maybe they will keep me asleep this time through. Tomorrow is going to be a busy day though. I'm scheduled to work an 11 hour shift. That'll be interesting. Can I make it? We'll see. Peace and love.

What I Shall be in a Year

My mind was spent today in settling around what all has just happened in my life. What does it all mean? I'd like to think that getting a job is the final solution to all of my problems, but they will only increase after this, that's for sure. I think of it sort of like standing in line at a theme park. I've been in this line to get to the tallest waterslide in the park and it's hot and it involves stairs. But I've been in this line for four years, and all I can think about is getting to the top and having my turn at the slide. But now, with this job, I am at the top. I'm standing at the peak of this slide, and for the first time, I'm looking down. It's scarry down there and full of random twists and turns. It's dark too. But I'm going. I do this in the name of progress. I feel that stagnance is wrong, and that is what my life will become if I stay in Nashville. It will become passive and comfortable and wrong.

What I am about to do is uncomfortable and uncertain, but that is the key to growth, and I desperately wish to grow. I mean yeah, it will be hard for me to leave my friends, but we have strong friendships and I know we will all keep in touch. It just has to be done.

So to the uncertain times ahead... What I shall be in a year is a mystery. Peace and love.

Some Crazy Events

Some crazy events happened today:

I drove to Raleigh and visited with my sister.
I looked around the town at neat places, some of which I might choose to live near.
(I took it as a sign, literally, when I went to "Cameron Village" by taking "Smallwood Rd". That's two people that I know from Belmont...)
I carefully considered my future
I quite possibly got a job doing that thing I've been studying all these years
I watched The Fountain with my dad
I had a pizza and watched some movie I can't remember the name of with Brandon
I'm tired

Who knows what I'll do tomorrow. I sure don't.

Peace and love

The Road and its Memories

I've never been too fond of the drive from Nashville to High Point, or the other way around. I set off yesterday at about 11:30, though, to once again make the trek. But it wasn't as bad as it usually is. I've had a really hard time keeping time in an actual frame. I can't remember what day it is, nor can I even predict what time it might possibly be. This can be a useful tool when driving. If you concentrate really hard on NOT knowing what time it is, time goes by much faster. But anyways, I stopped off in Asheville as my half-way point as I usually do. More specifically, I stopped off at Montreat College to drop in on Andy. I really enjoy spending time with he and his friends whenever I can. They are such a creative group of people, it is inspiring just being around them. But I had only planned on staying for an hour, an hour that soon turned into the entire night. The clencher was when we picked up instruments and started jamming, which led to talking, which led to more jamming, which eventually led to chips and salsa? Yes, chips and salsa. So then Andy informed me of a plan they had previously made to go to the two dollar Brew-n-View Theater in town to see a double feature and have some nice beer to go along with it. I, naturally desiring some sort of random activity in my life, decided to go along with their idea, and I set for leaving really early in the morning to compromise. The movie, in short, was great. It was a B film called "Grind House" and was produced by the same guy who did "Sin City". Then the next flick after that was called "Death Proof" which was another B film directed by Quinton Terrantino (I know I didn't spell that right). Both were fabulously hillarious movies that I really couldn't see enjoying any other way than with friends in a loose environment after having a couple of beers.

So then there was the next morning. I meant to wake up at 5am so that I could get back to High Point by 8am, so I could make it to my car inspection by 8:30... but my alarm didn't go off... and I woke myself up at 7:30... Oops! So I didn't rush or anything, I just walked out, got in the car, and left, accepting that I would be late, but formulating a plan to call in, postpone my time, and come in later. It worked for the most part, so that's what I did. But then I went in actually get the car inspected and the guy said that my front right light (the one still broken from the buss accident in September) couldn't pass inspection being broken. So I was set back and discouraged and began to call around to the salvage yards to find the same part. Nobody had it. So then I got the clever idea to go home, take my mom's off of her car, put it on mine temporarilly, go back in to have the car inspected, pass the inspection, and then return the light. Turns out... it worked. The car is now good for another year.

But Brandon also comes over. I haven't seen him since Christmas, so we did our catching up and then we got a movie. That marks the fourth time that I've seen Pan's Labarynth. What a great flick. Then I ate dinner. This marks the first official time that my dad and I have had a beer together. That was enjoyable. I feel more relaxed now that I can have one with the old man. Turns out he's got good taste in beer too.

The rest of the night was spent catching up with friends. High Point is such a strange place to me. It's full of small changes, but then there rests the obvious familiarities. The memories are everywhere. I thought about Phill and Becca, and all of the high school memories. Though I miss all of those people and things, I recognize that I've come a long way, and I'm slightly proud of that fact. I feel real and I feel like I could go somewhere. That's a good feeling to have, especially in the midst of so much discouragement while seeking employment.

Tomorrow is the big Raleigh adventure day. Wish me luck. Peace and love.

Clouds and Space

I was floating in the pool tonight, completely tuned out of the social interaction happening around me. I was just floating and thinking, looking up at the cloudy night sky. It's ambiguous in a way. You can't tell what is cloud and what is empty space except for the occasional star to break the secret. But "ambiguitiy" seemed to be a very descriptive word of where my mind was sitting. It's the future, these next few months of immense change that are both inspiring and frightening. I don't really know what to make of it all other than my emotions are still not fully engaged in the reality that I will soon be leaving this life forever and moving on to a new one. All in all, that's really the way it is. Very little will physically follow me into this next place, and my relationships will be distanced, only held together by memory, photographs, facebook, and hardwire. It's no surprise that I'm not quite sure how to feel about things yet. I do have one dominating feeling. Bravery, cold and clear bravery. I've always been relatively good at goodbyes. I spend more of my time these days thinking about tomorrow moreso than I think about yesterday or even today. I suppose labeling myself as "brave" is conceited. It is usually not one's own say in the matter of being brave, but the judgement of the people around him or her. It is, however, the feeling that I reffer to. I feel as if I am ready to take the challenges head on. I know the reality of my situation which is that there is nothing outside of meaningful friendships left for me in this place. And as unfortunate as it is, life is more complex than my satisfaction with relationships. There are bills to be payed, deadlines to be met, and potentials to be realized, and I believe that those of us who choose to remain stagnant and unchanging in the midst of our present comforts, wave away more substance in our lives than we can even conceivably be aware. Again, this is my fatalistic perspective speaking once more of "potential" and "missing the train". My convictions, of which I am regaining focus on, would never allow me rest if I were to stay here and embrace valet or a bank job. But for these last two months, I wish to make the most of the time spent here. I'm not quite sure of what that means yet, but I know that when I do finally leave, my emotions will be much more difficult to ignore.

Peace and love

Fatalist Frustration

I'm still doing and saying things that don't quite fit my description of who I view myself to be. I bet that's a common problem with lots of folks, not to make excuses or anything. It's been on my mind a lot lately, achieving the kind of manhood that I would desire for myself. In my mind it is a pure form, but then all of these worldly messages get mixed in with it and I lose my aim. I think the most difficult one to face is attacking the very motivation I have of bettering myself. It is the message of "just be who you are, chalk your mistakes up to human error, nobody is perfect." It sounds like wise advice, but is it? I mean are mistakes okay in any other field of life, and should making them be considered a norm. Now I'm certainly not going to beat myself up for the mistakes I have made in the past other than the pain I might face by learning from them, but I'm also certainly not going to write my past off completely. There is a middle ground here somewhere, I just have to find it. Right now I feel like I have very few allies, very few people who see my desire as anything more than simple and shallow self-righteousness. I would hope my friends would know better than to think that of me. But so many people are buying into that message. So many people are giving up on faith because of what other people have done or because of thier intellect teaching them that existence is far too complex for a loving God. It seems to me like no one wants to step up to the plate and say "To Hell with what other people have done. This is the faith I believe in, and I'm going to be true to it." Thus, it all seems like a cop-out. A wonderfully elaborate and seemingly well backed excuse to just give up, pack up and do whatever the hell we want without feeling like we might be missing out on something greater. Think of all the benefits... Sleep in on Sunday! Uh... do crazy stuff with numbed sense of guilt! Uh... Don't worry about finding the answers anymore! Uh... Sleep in on Sunday! After all, we know best, don't we?

Perhaps my problem is that I'm a fatalist... sort of. I see fate as a possibility or potential, but not a slated outcome. I think we can miss the train. I think many of us do as we chase fleeting things like women and money and all of those things that we know deep in our inner being, but would never admit, fail to give us fulfillment. I don't want to miss my highest potential because I'm curious of what that might be. What was I truly designed for? That is what drives me forward.

So I'm frustrated with myself. We, in our society, act like it's such a negative thing to be frustrated with ourselves. Again, we're pretty much always right in whatever we do, so why should we ever feel frustrated or guilty? I see self-frustration as a healthy motivator and teacher given in moderation. In fact, reflecting on one's mistakes can be the greatest motivator of all. So in my frustration, I'm going to find a way through it. It will hurt and I might make even more mistakes, but I'm willing to learn from them, and I'm willing to keep pressing forward.

I think that the greatest reason as to why we give up on our highest spiritual goals is because it is almost just as hard for us to find someone who HAS reached those goals as it is for us to reach them ourselves.

Peace and love.

Breath

Looking back, my journals have had the tendancy to be rather selfish. I'm always talking about some arbitrary "drama" in my life that has me at a loss. But today I did a good bit of thinking. I don't know, I suppose it really started last night. Actually... it happened as a result of a series of events.

Now I have the disposition to think on a regular basis. It's what I like to do when nothing else is going on. Sometimes, especially lately, my life gets full of clutter, hum, and buzz. It is during those times that my deep thinking is few and far between. I am medicated to an extent by flashing lights, sudden bursts of harmonic sounds, and different interesting smells and flavors. It is very "instnatanious" living, I think would be the best way to describe it. But my ascention back to a level of higher thought actually began in my voice lesson training on Tuesday. My instructor was teaching me about the correct method by which to breath. He explained that as infants we breath correctly, letting air into our lower abdomon which allows our stomach to rise. It is only after cultural inflections on how we should carry ourselves that we learn to breath in the wrong manner. We start to suck air into our chests, heaving up and down. I think having asthma growing up only made it worse. If there were anything that would make you heave air into your chest, it would be asthma. So basically, I breath wrong. Now for the past two days, I've really been focusing on retraining myself. I've gone above and beyond what he asked me to do. I didn't feel like achieving correct breathing whenever I drove in my car would amount to any reasonable experience at all. So I've been pretty much constantly focused on it, which has been driving me a bit crazy, but I'm making progress. What I'm finding is that when I breath with my stomach, I can't get the full amount of air that I would like without stretching discomfort in my abs. I realize, however, that this is simply a result of me having not breathed properly in almost 22 years (if ever, considering asthma). But today I managed to make much greater strides in my breathing than yesterday, so I shall continue until it is no longer a mental effort. If anything, it is relaxing to just focus on how you breath. I learned that last night. I picked up Viking's "Tai Che for Dummies". He said he wanted to get into it, but he had never bothered to read it before, so I borrowed it from him simply because I was intrigued. I started reading from it last night and it discussed the basic principles of Tai Che. The first and foremost principle is tranlated as the "Ultimate Superior" and is... breathing correctly. It is, and I kid you not, the exact same principle of breathing as one would learn to sing well. This held my interest so I began to read on. It said that it's primary focus was on mindful movement. It teaches you to think out your body's movements and coordinate them with correct breathing to develope the most energy efficient, relaxing, and natural forms of movement. After taking in some of the readings and then matching it to my own posture and form, I realized that I really am "up tight". I mean I've had people tell me that before, but I never thought much of it. So for the most of today I was working on matching my movements to efficient breathing. Basically, when ever you move out, you exhale, and when ever you pull in, you inhale. Try it for a while, you'll see what I'm talking about. Just slow movement with deep breaths.

So then tonight I decided to go to the coffee shop, get some tea, and read for a while. I started reading from my sociology textbook. I took from that mostly that the world is screwed up, not following the most peaceful and cooperative of practices in humanity. I also gathered that a great deal of what Karl Marx had to say wasn't stupid, but rather missunderstood by overzealous cult leaders like Lennon and then spread to the rest of us as such. But that reading lasted for as long as I could tolerate. Whenever I read things like that my mind tends to wander around aimlessly lamenting the world's problems until I fall so deep into hopelessness that the weight of it leads me to put the book down. So, to cope, I picked up the next book I have to (or rather 'want to') read by Donald Miller entitled "Searching for God Knows What". Out of all of the books I have ever read, this author, to me, is the most identifiable to how I think and feel. That's not to say that he's right all of the time, but then, neither am I. I just like reading a book that articulates exactly what I feel while at the same time realizing that it has sold several copies because he and I aren't the only ones who think and feel this way. But I read about a chapter while the coffee barista feverishly cleaned the shop as if to convey a message that I, as a working class citizen, clearly understand. "Will you please leave so that I can go home early." I felt obliged to comply, so I sucked back the last cup of tea, hopped back on my bike, and peddled to the only peaceful outdoor area I know of, the Belmont quad. When I got there it was teaming with little Christian camp kids. Some would argue that these are the most moniacle breed of pre-teens. Ironically, everywhere they go they are followed by destruction. But I still managed to find a peaceful spot amidst the chaos at the base of the mansion. On the steps I pulled out the book and began reading again. I was sucked in for a while, occasionally stopping to contemplate what I had just read or to regroup my focus after some random pre-teen male yolping at the moon. But it was still peaceful. It wasn't until the call for all the kids to go to bed that the real peace began. At that time, it was about 11pm. I made my way down to a low-branched magnolia tree and found a comfortable position at it's feet. I closed my eyes, sat there peacefully, correcly breathing, and holding deep prayer and contemplation. I dare not say "meditating" because if I were to use that word, it would be assumed that I was opening myself up to evil spiritual influence (at least from a conservative Christian standpoint). But I was sitting quietly and reflectively under that tree, which is a longer way to say the "m" word, but remains theologically acceptible. It was great though. When I was done I felt so relaxed and at peace. It was almost like waking up from a deep refreshing sleep, but not. And the prayer felt more intimate and focused too. In short, I enjoyed it, and perhaps there is something to this calming breathing and mindful movement. I mean think about what kind of a society we live in. Our busy and synthetically dramatic lives hardly ever make time for us to be calm and still. It is a valuable skill to learn.

Peace and love.

Truth

It was another one of those days where I wake up and I feel compelled to accomplish as much as I can before bed. For instance, I cleaned out my car today for the first time since the fifth of December. Needless to say, it was a mess. After that and many other errands, I found myself in vocal lessons. That's right, I'm taking vocal training. I was concerned at first, because I didn't know how a trainer would be able to communicate anything to me, but this guy knows his stuff. He has me sing and then he just watches my posture and breathing and mouth formations. He's given me good advice thus far. He really thinks he can improve me drastically in the next ten weeks. After that, I've got piano lessons, which I am also excited about. I've always wanted to learn the piano because I think it would be a much more superior writing tool for me than just the guitar.

I came home and relaxed for a while before I went to sociology class. My professor is in his early thirties. His name is Dr. Ken Spring, a graduate from Vanderbilt who has no appearance that would lead you to believe he is a doctor. He wears jeans and has a nose piercing with tatoo sleeves. He also just happens to be a professional BMX racer. He's very passionate about sociology though. He raises some interesting discussion topics. I reflected tonight on how far I have come from freshman year to now. I used to get so offended when people would say things I considered to be ignorant and unchristian. But now I listen more than I speak. I try to gather a full understanding of the feelings of the majority before I try and address the issue. It can be depressing though. Nobody believes in any matter of truth anymore. Postmodernism has convinced the developed world that there is only relativity. There is nothing worth putting all of your faith in. To do such is considered barbaric and ignorant. There is also a great deal of animosity against Christianity. I understand why. Christians have been so dominating and opressive with their beliefs for so many generations. But it bothers me that people lump Jesus in with their Christian enemy. I feel bad that we have represented Him so poorly. Perhaps something might happen that would convince this world that there are some things worth putting all of your faith in. Peace and love.

The Bottom Rung

I haven't written much in a while. I've been doing a lot of thinking and partaking in quite a bit of action though. I'm trying to level out from this tail-spin that I hit as soon as school ended. Moving, careers, future... what does it all mean? Then there's the realization that, as far as this world is concerned, I don't mean much at all. For instance, Mitch and I both took a motorcycle safety course over the weekend. it was one of the most fun things I've done in a while, and it was very informative.


The first pic is of me strattling a Honda Rebel. It was an older bike, but it had a lot of character. Mitch is the second pic, and he's holding on to a Honda CBR250X. I think that's what it's called at least. It was a standard bike that handled and sounded a lot different from mine. Again, we had a lot of fun, and after we were done, I went to get my motorcycle license. That was to be the next step before I could look at getting a motorcycle. So on Monday morning I pushed time limits to the max. I went and got my license and then went to look at motorcycles. I test drove a beautiful Honda Shadow 750DC, basically my dream bike. It handled well and I filled out all the paperwork for it. Then the guy came out and said they couldn't sell it to me because I haven't been in the workforce long enough and I have student loans lined up behind me. Reality sets in. Financially I mean nothing in this world. I'm small again. Just like all of those freshman years I spent working my way up from the bottom rung.

So now I have to fight. I have to work my way up from the bottom rung again. I went home slightly discouraged, but not enough to deter me from making some sort of a game plan. I started looking for better jobs in the area. Thus far I have the bank job going for me, and a possibility at a car dealership. I know what you're thinking. Car dealership? Yes, me too at first. But then I thought about my personality and my skills. I could not only do it, but do it well. I'm still looking for audio work though. That is my true career ambition. Maybe even audio sales, who knows.

But I guess college prepared me to handle these stresses, not to be overwhelmed. I'm looking for a good job and as for the bike, Mitch and I have decided to go Ebay. We want to see if we can find a bike that needs some attention. It would be good for us to learn bike mechanics before we start riding. We can potentially get one for around a hundred bucks off some guy that can't tell the trottle from the kickstand. That's the current idea at least. I've got my eye on a bike from NC and one from IL. If the bid stays low enough, Mitch and I will go halvsies on it and then drive over (or up) to get it.

Start small in this world, and work your way up. It's an age old lesson that I've been quite good at thus far. I've never let it get me down before, and though this step will certainly take much longer than the ones in the past, I feel like I can take it. I have faith that God has some grand purpose for all of this. But it's hard being a man of action and not knowing where or how to act. Patience plays a neglected role in my life. It always has. I accredit a that characteristic to a great deal of my success, and also a great deal of my failures. But I'll learn to be efficient with it and to strengthen that weakness. I'm also going to learn how to live under even lower standards than before and how to work harder than before.

That's all I've got in me for now. Peace and love.

The Last Day of the Ye Olde Pembroke House

It was one of the roughest days I can recall. Starting at about nine thirty we worked towards our deadline of being out of our house by six or seven o'clock tonight. We started well rested and full of confidence that we would make it, but as the hours continued it became clear that there was much more work involved in getting that house ready than we had anticipated. The reason we were cleaning is because we really wanted our $2000 deposite back and also we didn't want to pay a $150 cleaning fee. We had several friends come and help us. Stuffy and Weeman came, and Burly dropped by for a good while too. It really was fun, now that I think about it, exhausting, but fun. So what time did we actually finish? Just now. It's 1:34am. I just walked into my room and sat down at my computer. I didn't have much difficulty leaving the house. There was one really quick moment while I was listening to Coldplay's "Scientist" that I had an urge to cry, but it went just as fast as it came. I think I'm just too tired to think about how I feel right now. It was a good home though. That's what made it enjoyable. It wasn't the landlords or the lack of climate control, or the spiders and mice. It was the people who lived there that made that house worth while. We all hugged as we put stood behind the dark house for one last time. While the guys went to get the truck for the last load in, I also went to each room and remembered all the worthwhile things that happened in each one for me. They were a good two years.

Now the hard part is going to be tomorrow morning. I have to wake up at 6:30 to be at a 9 hour meeting at 8. I also must leave straight from there to go to a four hour class. I'm going to be sitting all day tomorrow is what that means. The four hour class will be good though. It's motorcycle training! I'm really excited about that, and that's where I'll be all weekend if you're wondering. Now it's time for a beer, a shower, and then bed. Peace and love.

Summer Move

Moving is never easy, especially when you have aquired as much crap as I have. But considering how much time I've actually spent on it, I must say that progress has come relatively quickly. I'm almost completely moved out of the house now. I'm going back in the morning to get the last few boxes and other random items lying around, then I'll clean, then I'll be done. I like my new room. It's carpeted and a little more acoustically dead than my last one. It's also got a bed. That's nice. The move in was really easy. I always have had an eye for placement, at least... I think I do. But I always decorate the room first before I place the furniture. It helps me bring more of a sense of symmetry. I've got some pictures here of the finished product. You can't see the really cool part because it's behind my computer, but you'll get the basic idea.


I got to the point where I just started throwing stuff in bags. I was getting frustrated that I had so many loose papers and other little items, so they remain in those bags and will until I feel compelled to organize them into the trash can.

So my new roommates consist of Mitch, Alan "Cowboy" Fey, and Jason Dyba. I don't know Jason very well, but Mitch and Cowboy and I go way back. Oh, and I can't forget the pet rat. I don't know his real name. I know he's got one, but I just call him Mortomer. Seems to suit him well, but he sure does carry a strong odor about him. I've also noticed that outside there are two cats that roam the area. They love the attention of people, but they also enjoy tormenting the small white yippy dog that the landlord owns. So this is the new house. More details as they come.

I've decided that I'm going to miss the old home, but as far as the house is concerned, I would burn it down if it were really up to me, the spiders, the mice, the mold, the lack of insullation, all of it would burn. Then I would have pastors come out and pray over the land, so that if anyone ever rebuilt there, they wouldn't be consumed by the curse. I will always remember the great times we had there, and the lessons learned from renting crappy houses from bad landlords.

Well, I'm done writing for now. Time to go read. Peace and love.