Fatalist Frustration

I'm still doing and saying things that don't quite fit my description of who I view myself to be. I bet that's a common problem with lots of folks, not to make excuses or anything. It's been on my mind a lot lately, achieving the kind of manhood that I would desire for myself. In my mind it is a pure form, but then all of these worldly messages get mixed in with it and I lose my aim. I think the most difficult one to face is attacking the very motivation I have of bettering myself. It is the message of "just be who you are, chalk your mistakes up to human error, nobody is perfect." It sounds like wise advice, but is it? I mean are mistakes okay in any other field of life, and should making them be considered a norm. Now I'm certainly not going to beat myself up for the mistakes I have made in the past other than the pain I might face by learning from them, but I'm also certainly not going to write my past off completely. There is a middle ground here somewhere, I just have to find it. Right now I feel like I have very few allies, very few people who see my desire as anything more than simple and shallow self-righteousness. I would hope my friends would know better than to think that of me. But so many people are buying into that message. So many people are giving up on faith because of what other people have done or because of thier intellect teaching them that existence is far too complex for a loving God. It seems to me like no one wants to step up to the plate and say "To Hell with what other people have done. This is the faith I believe in, and I'm going to be true to it." Thus, it all seems like a cop-out. A wonderfully elaborate and seemingly well backed excuse to just give up, pack up and do whatever the hell we want without feeling like we might be missing out on something greater. Think of all the benefits... Sleep in on Sunday! Uh... do crazy stuff with numbed sense of guilt! Uh... Don't worry about finding the answers anymore! Uh... Sleep in on Sunday! After all, we know best, don't we?

Perhaps my problem is that I'm a fatalist... sort of. I see fate as a possibility or potential, but not a slated outcome. I think we can miss the train. I think many of us do as we chase fleeting things like women and money and all of those things that we know deep in our inner being, but would never admit, fail to give us fulfillment. I don't want to miss my highest potential because I'm curious of what that might be. What was I truly designed for? That is what drives me forward.

So I'm frustrated with myself. We, in our society, act like it's such a negative thing to be frustrated with ourselves. Again, we're pretty much always right in whatever we do, so why should we ever feel frustrated or guilty? I see self-frustration as a healthy motivator and teacher given in moderation. In fact, reflecting on one's mistakes can be the greatest motivator of all. So in my frustration, I'm going to find a way through it. It will hurt and I might make even more mistakes, but I'm willing to learn from them, and I'm willing to keep pressing forward.

I think that the greatest reason as to why we give up on our highest spiritual goals is because it is almost just as hard for us to find someone who HAS reached those goals as it is for us to reach them ourselves.

Peace and love.