My Brain is in a Hurt

I've been making a lot of stupid mistakes lately at just about everything I put my mind too. I'm frustrated and tired, but I keep going anyways. The weather has been amazing though, and that helps. I don't know how many times I've said it, but I feel so much more alive when the sun is out and the air is warm. I want to keep my passions alive though. I've found that I have them, but they've just been neglected for the past several years. I want to keep them alive, I want them to grow strong, and I don't want to become jaded anymore. I'm too young. I see older men who have lost the passion for the things that they do and they merely just float through the rest of their lives. It happens to the majority. I suppose that's why older men and younger men should work together. The young men have dreams and the older men have the experience to get them to their dreams. Sometimes, and I say again, sometimes they find it, that one thing they were created for. I want to find mine, but I'm burried right now...

I have work in the morning and a test immediately afterwards, along with some other assignments due. I'm trying my best to keep my mind in order. I'm stronger than this. This entire struggle is relative. I think I'm just so caught up in my ideal comfort that I can't dig deeper. That means that the greatest enemy I have right now isn't an assignment or a test or a set number of cars to handle. My greatest enemy is my own persistance at having fun and being "happy". I hold the knowledge that says I'm better than that, but the action is a great deal harder to come by. I've been in a good mood for most of the week. I've met several discouragements, one after another, but I've kept my chin up. I'm just still getting in my way. I'm getting in the way of me reaching a higher potential, building deeper relationships, sharing more meaningful conversations.

Is it odd that I find it ironic that an education would bring me to such busy life to where I find it hard to think? It's a sentiment that most of my friends are feeling these days. I can't even say that I'm working the hardest, though I do work pretty hard. Several of my friends have some pretty weighty classes and huge assingments that they always seem to be working on. We don't compair check-lists though because, again, it's all relative. 90% of the time, business is a feeling, a state of mind. It's that trian of thought that focuses on what you'd rather be doing instead of (blank). I'd rather be sleeping than go to work in the morining, I'd rather be writing music or mailing resumes than going to class after work, I'd rather be watching tv than studying. Those are the thoughts that make us feel busy. We can't ever seem to be content with what it is that we are doing at that very moment. I'm content right now. I like writing and I have the option to quit whenever I would like. This is not busy. I might just read some poetry before I go to bed, but I like the book, so I'm not busy. But if you took that same book, handed it to a professor, and they assigned reading to me, I would be busy by reading it. It's a command. An obligation that I didn't directly sign up for.

All of it, mindset. All of it, completely supressable, I just haven't figure out how quite yet. Peace and love.