I Forgot to Title this Journal

I'm not going to say much on the happenings of yesterday other than this: You don't have to be who you've always known yourself to be. You don't have to always respond the same way to painful situations. You don't have to live based upon the negative experiences that have weighed you down for so long. Sometimes we know in our hearts what is right, but pride can get in the way. Sometimes it gets in the way because we secretly want to feel the pain and we want attention, so we want it to get in the way, but peace is not made in such ways. Sometimes you just have to take that step from cowardice and pride to bravery and humility.

I haven't been able to think clearly lately. I don't know what is going on in my head, but I just can't think critically all of the sudden. I sit in class and my mind is completely gone. I can't pay attention and I can't grasp even the simplest ideas. I can't even speak clearly, or type clearly for that matter. This is bad timing. I have two more tests to take this week and I don't have any means by which to study because my mind is completely shut down. I don't think it's senioritis because I am really interested in the classes I am taking, and I don't think it is stress because I have come to peace about the other taxing situations in my life. Maybe it's stress aftermath? I don't know. I just don't like the way I feel right now.

If I'm having aftershocks from puberty I'm going to be pretty mad (unless I get a full beard out of it... then I might not be so mad).

I know my heart is changing though. That much is certain. What did I write in my last serious journal? Something to the extent of "There is much in me that requires change." Perhaps
God took that as a prayer. Perhaps I am changing all over.

Change or no change, there is one thing certain. I have now killed 19 mice. I am now just three mice short of beating the brown recluse kill count during warm season. We killed 22 brown recluse total. I'm sure more than that died in the attic from being sprayed, but that's how many bodies we found in the house. I know the mice are hungry though. They've started to eat their own dead. That means that they're really in a panic for food which means they're easily hunted. They'll get stupid just for a bite of bread crust or even flavored cardboard. The only down side is that they come to my room now. I hate that. It only makes me want to kill them more, and boy do I. I've killed three every night for the past three nights, and I've killed them all by hand. I'm even starting to have heigtened senses later at night when they come out. My body is being conditioned for the hunt. I can distinguish between the rattling of my heater and the sounds of them scamping across my floor. I can tell the difference between an adolescent mouse squeek and an adult mouse. I can even predict their movements on the floor, which is why I've been able to catch two of them with my bare hands. I'm pretty sure I'm paying way too much for rent though, considering how many mice I've destroyed.

Well, I'm going to go take a shower, cook dinner, and then study for the rest of the night. How does that sound? I'm definitely looking forward to Sunday when all of this will finally boil down. I'll be consistently busy until then. Peace and love.