Extreme Dreams

I'm having an exceedingly harder time concentrating these days. I can usually get good and distracted on something deep and meaninful, but now I just seem to get good and distracted on absolutely nothing. I'm really needing Friday and Spring Break to get here fast. It's sad. I know it's my senior year and that it should be my most amazing spring break ever, but I don't have the money for it nor do I have the time. I'm going to be staying at the house doing my very best to get caught up so that I don't completely kill my GPA this semester.

I really falling under heavy weight, if I haven't already voiced that loud enough. The key indicator is extreme dreams. I've been having several. Today I had two which really stuck with me. One of them, last night, was me sitting in front of a piano. I was in a room full of people who I didn't know and for some reason I just started playing. I don't know how to play the piano very well, but in this dream I started playing and the most amazing music came out of it. My hands were wroking very fast and everyone stopped and stared, but not at me. They just stopped and stared, wide-eyed into space, as if they were looking into their souls or into their past. Even I began to fall into a transe. Imagine that, falling into a trans while already in a trans. When I was done, the once busy room filled with conversation was silent and still. Then I woke up, a few minutes before my alarm was supposed to go off.

My next dream was later while I was taking a nap. I was talking to a man who I know in reality, but he had this deformed small premature baby holding tightly to his neck. It didn't seem human it was so deformed and somewhat covered in patches of thinning hair. It's head was too small for its body, but he loved it and was trying to take care of it. He seemed extremely worried about something and he couldn't calm down. We were sitting on a couch trying to hold a conversation and then suddenly something startled him, a noise or something, and he lept to his feet, but the baby couldn't hold on and it fell. While it was falling I reached out my arms as fast as I could and I caught it before it hit the floor. The guy then sat back down on the couch, put his face in his hands, and started to cry. I held the baby which seemed rather fatigued from the entire experience. It was no longer than the length of my elbow to my wrist and I noted the extreme deformality of its head as well as it having a few teeth coming in. That's when I woke up again.

Over all, I really just feel mentally defeated and dumb. My classes are really hard to grasp this semester and my professors don't really seem to have much patience for me. I've never struggled like this in my classes as an entirity. I usually do so well under pressure, but not now.
And my mental defeat is leading to me neglecting other responsibilities and relationships. I'll make it through though. I'm determined to keep my chin up. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, I think that's my problem. Have you ever carried something really heavy and you prepare yourself for the endurance that it will take to get it from one place to the other? But right when you see the destination your mind starts failing, convincing you that you can't make it and then your arms get tired and you just want to drop it a few feet short. That's the best description I can think of as to describe where I'm at right now.

I have to study now for my two tests tomorrow. Peace and love.

"Facts"

My head is not in the right spot. I'm not quite 100%. I feel troubled and shaken. I've been working pretty hard and not having much to show for it. In turn, I'm feeling really apathetic towards pretty much everything work at. I'm in a drifting again.

I read an artical today in USA Today. It was talking about a documentary that will be showing this Sunday at 9pm on the discovery of Jesus' tomb, along with family members. I read through it and there are possibilities that the guy is probably wrong, but it really makes you think. What if there was undisputible evidence that any major world religion was false? What would happen to society? Since I believe that Jesus is who he said he was, I, myself, would never find more faith in science on such a matter. It's difficult, though, living in a culture where everything must have scientific backing to be accepted, and I can't scientifically prove my faith at all. That's what makes it faith. And because of our scientific requirements, we listen very carefully to the "facts" coming and going. In my exprience, man has manufactured so many things so easy to get lost in, "facts", traffic, big cities, egos. I'm too tired to keep thinking about it. I really should be getting to bed.

Peace and love.

Gaining

It really is rediculous how fast my body can motabolize and grow new muscle. I started my weight gaining diet a few days ago and I've only worked out twice, but I can already see noticable changes and it hasn't even been a week yet. What I'm really working on is putting on mass though. I've put on a little, but I'd like to go up ten pounds within the next couple of months. That's my goal at least, we'll see whether or not it is feasible.

Oh, and this is the last week before spring break. I'm pretty excited about that, though I don't know if I'll even be able to go anywhere. Between my extra class and work, I might just have to stay in Nashville, but we'll see.

Well... I'm going to make this journal brief because I'm really dragging bottom and I want to get some solid sleep before tomorrow, but I'm still happy to be alive and I'm excited about what the future holds, nervous, but excited.

Peace and love.

Mentality Wars (I should be in bed right now)

I'm still awake right now and I totally shouldn't be. I've procrastinated in a bad way though, and I'm paying for it out the nose (or at least I will tomorrow). I was doing some film editing today to get the last part of my resume complete, and when I was finally done, the program shut down and I lost everything. If that hadn't happened, I would have been able to get my homework done and the video done all in time to take the rest of the evening off. But oh well, I'm fine really. I haven't completely finished my physics homework, but right now I'm leaning more towards sleep as my main need of the moment.

My head still feels weird. I'm having a hard time grasping simple concepts and it's really bothering me. I can think clearly as long as I'm thinking about life and experience, but I can't learn anything new. I feel like my mind has reached maximum capacity, and that's a shame because I really want to learn the stuff I'm studying. More and more dumb mistakes keep on waring with my walls too. I'm feeling very simple and slow.

I started going back to the gym (again). I know I attempted to earlier this semester, but I have motivation now and I didn't then. Related, I was envited by a couple of guys to go to a gym on saturday, a Judo gym. They're going to let me train with them a little bit. The bad news is that I can't use Taekwondo, so I'm going to get my ass handed to me, but I feel like that really needs to happen. I really just need to get into a solid fight and lose. Maybe that will help clear my mind a bit.

But anyways, I'm really excited that I got that video all finished. It's a lot better than I would have initially thought. I probably spent more time on it than I should have, but that's the kind of stuff that excites me, not solving complex equations and burying my head in the books all the time. I want to be creative.

Well, I gotta get out of awake world and go to sleep before I completely ruin myself tomorrow.

Peace and love.

My Brain is in a Hurt

I've been making a lot of stupid mistakes lately at just about everything I put my mind too. I'm frustrated and tired, but I keep going anyways. The weather has been amazing though, and that helps. I don't know how many times I've said it, but I feel so much more alive when the sun is out and the air is warm. I want to keep my passions alive though. I've found that I have them, but they've just been neglected for the past several years. I want to keep them alive, I want them to grow strong, and I don't want to become jaded anymore. I'm too young. I see older men who have lost the passion for the things that they do and they merely just float through the rest of their lives. It happens to the majority. I suppose that's why older men and younger men should work together. The young men have dreams and the older men have the experience to get them to their dreams. Sometimes, and I say again, sometimes they find it, that one thing they were created for. I want to find mine, but I'm burried right now...

I have work in the morning and a test immediately afterwards, along with some other assignments due. I'm trying my best to keep my mind in order. I'm stronger than this. This entire struggle is relative. I think I'm just so caught up in my ideal comfort that I can't dig deeper. That means that the greatest enemy I have right now isn't an assignment or a test or a set number of cars to handle. My greatest enemy is my own persistance at having fun and being "happy". I hold the knowledge that says I'm better than that, but the action is a great deal harder to come by. I've been in a good mood for most of the week. I've met several discouragements, one after another, but I've kept my chin up. I'm just still getting in my way. I'm getting in the way of me reaching a higher potential, building deeper relationships, sharing more meaningful conversations.

Is it odd that I find it ironic that an education would bring me to such busy life to where I find it hard to think? It's a sentiment that most of my friends are feeling these days. I can't even say that I'm working the hardest, though I do work pretty hard. Several of my friends have some pretty weighty classes and huge assingments that they always seem to be working on. We don't compair check-lists though because, again, it's all relative. 90% of the time, business is a feeling, a state of mind. It's that trian of thought that focuses on what you'd rather be doing instead of (blank). I'd rather be sleeping than go to work in the morining, I'd rather be writing music or mailing resumes than going to class after work, I'd rather be watching tv than studying. Those are the thoughts that make us feel busy. We can't ever seem to be content with what it is that we are doing at that very moment. I'm content right now. I like writing and I have the option to quit whenever I would like. This is not busy. I might just read some poetry before I go to bed, but I like the book, so I'm not busy. But if you took that same book, handed it to a professor, and they assigned reading to me, I would be busy by reading it. It's a command. An obligation that I didn't directly sign up for.

All of it, mindset. All of it, completely supressable, I just haven't figure out how quite yet. Peace and love.

Quit Your Bitching

I suppose we are proned to complaining, mankind that is. We can be delivered out of the hands of our captors and still find reason to complain. Rich men dare complain in the presence of the poor over rich man problems. I am discouraged by such tendencies in others and in myself. I think the root of complaint is either fatalistic or one, surprisingly enough, stemming from a hopeful mentality. "Someday things will be easier." Why not be dissatisfied with the present if you believe that things will only get better, you're just in a rut now. I hate to be realistic, but we will never have a happily ever after in this life. Life gets harder each day as more and more responsibilities come. It never stops. You have two options, of course. You can either be naive and hope that one day things will die down and you will finally be able to relax, or you can take your responsibility by the horns, grin, and keep on movin.

It's coming to midterms in school and everyone is stressed out whether or not they show it on the outside. We can complain about how tired we are or how much work we have to do, but it doesn't make the work or the awake any easier. We should be thankful for what we do have, the opportunities that most of the world will never experience, and we should work in grace and humility in that knowledge.

Wow, that was easy to type. I wonder if I'll remember this when I wake up in the morning.

Peace and love.

My Kind of Day

Today provided more than enough fuel for me to feel prolific. It really doesn't take much. All I require is enough sleep the night before, a sunny sky, and a warm breeze. Anything else that happens after that is just an extra bonus in my book. I ate lunch with friends, enjoyed my classes, went on a few secret adventures here and there after classes, and even had a hugely successful grant petition congressional meeting that lasted way longer than I expected, but so what, who cares. I had friends who wanted to hang out afterwards, so that's what I did. I went over to the girls' appartment and watched tv while Natalie did homework. I never thought I would be able to do that with girls before, relax that much that is. See, that's my ideal relaxed relationship with another person. You walk in to their house, plop down on the couch, and just bask. You don't have to say much or anything at all because, hey, they understand either way.

Oh, but tomorrow is Tuesday. I was never really fond of Tuesdays. I don't get much sleep, and I do a lot of work. I guess if any way I could describe Tuesday in a positive light, it would be satisfying. Getting so much done under one day is quite an accomplishment, and I do it every Tuesday. So having said all that. I'm going to bed so I can start off today with atleast one "happy day" requirement down. Peace and love.

Going Back

I'm going back to TN today. Everything emotionally here has been up and down, but it was all a good experience. The memorial service went really well yesterday. I think everyone received the closure they needed and it was nice to be able to give the family something. I'm not very good at comforting outside of music. It really is hard to think that I've played two funerals for two friends within two years, but that's the reality of it. Phillip's mom asked me yesterday after the service how I felt after playing two funerals so close together. I answered the best I could, but I still don't think I fully know. I told her that it was helpful for me to be able to play because I want to be able to give something of myself to the memory of that person, but I only feel adiquate to do that through music. I told her that it also made me think more deeply about the berevity of life and what we end up spending our time and efforts on. Both are true statements, but I feel like there's more to it than that. I don't feel like I have to answer it now either.

But I'm going home today and I feel a little better. I've made up my mind about a few of my future plans and I'm ready to take action. I don't think it will be easy, but I'll do what I can. We'll find out what God's plan is in the end. Peace and love.

Songs and Silence

So I'm in North Carolina right now. I came back to help with the music for Ansley's funeral. It's been a bit weird at times, not just in the sense that it is happening, but that it is happening again. A lot of memories of Phill have been entering my mind for the past little while. The task hasn't been as heavy as I suspected it would be though. Thank you to those praying for me. We still have a little work to do with the music, but we should be fine by Saturday which is the time of the memorial service.

Maybe this time could serve a double purpose. I've been a bit clouded in Nashville lately. I'm not saying cloudy as a determinate of good or bad, because certainly I have had both, but there's just been a great deal of noise lately. I was walking outside today and I just couldn't help but notice the quiet. It's so incredibly quiet here and I'm thankful for that. I want to be able to pray and ask questions about the things that are really going on in my heart. What if I were to go to Arizona, what if I were to stay? What risks should I and should I not take? I've got a few days of quiet here to focus on those things. I also have a few days to sleep in. I need some sleep really bad. I've been working so hard in Nashville, constatnly moving and turning. The funny thing is, I don't even really have that much to show for it. My grades aren't perfect right now and the money I make seems to just pass right through my fingers to all of the bills I owe. It really motivates me to desire a good solid job.

Well, I'm out for the night. Not sure what all I'll be doing tomorrow, but we'll figure that out when we get there, won't we? Peace and love.

Thank You Ansley

I will never fully understand the impact of death on us all. It sometimes comes after a lengthy struggle or in the blink of an eye, it shows no favoritism. And with death comes the full array of emotions that take their turn at the forefront of you thoughts, though everyone deals with them in a different way. Some cry, some become angry, some sit in silence. Whether death be just or unjust, whether it be taken, given, or both, whether it be destroyed, what remains true through all of it is the soul and spirit's belonging to God alone. I believe that the spirit is the only component of our being capable of channeling peace into the rest of our existance. For some reason right now my spirit seems to understand clearly while my body and soul pull in seperate directions. My spirit seems to know the design of why this must be the way it is, and hopefully my body and soul will follow soon.

Her children and her husband must face the brunt of God's decision. I pray that He gives them peace and grace to accept it. I know that they are surrounded by a loving community, a church that feels the pain of its entire body. They are already being surrounded by endless prayers, and I pray that God hears each one. I still cannot pretend to immagine the depth of pain that they must be feeling, and the lack of understanding in her young children. The Lord has never taken someone so close to me as a mother, a sister, or a daughter, but I have lost friends before. I have felt like this before. I want to be useful and a comforter, but all I have to really offer are my prayers and my service in music. I will do it to the best of my ability.

May Ansley always be remembered as the Job of our church, praising God in health, and rejoicing His Name in suffering, through death, and into eternity.

Peace and love.

Take Off the Edge

This morning after physics I found myself in my private place in the library. It's not really private because anyone can just waltz right up to me if they so desired, but no one ever does because I'm pretty sure it's one of the most secluded places on campus. On the second floor at the very end of the room in the back left corner there is a cubicle that I frequent when I need peace and quiet. Very few students even use the library as is, let alone venturing to the second floor, so sleep can be had here if one wishes to acquire it. I slept pretty hard today for about an hour. It was bad too because I was dreaming about eating food that I was cooking in an open fire. I think it was a side of pork because I could taste the salt and the crunchy skin. What the food actually was isn't really important other than to say that when I dream about food I salivate, and when I am asleep, my mouth is usually open, so... when I woke up, my coat had a big soggy spot right on the sleeve. I regularly enjoy the fact that my coat is dark wool. Nothing ever shows up on dark wool, not even spit.

When I woke up, I wandered through the shelves of books just looking up and down at the different subjects in their groupings. I was marveling at the age of some of the books I saw until two of them caught my eye. They were pretty close to 100 years old by the looks of the copyright and probably pretty close to original binding. I was captivated especially by the fact that the covers contained poetry, so I picked them up and they currently rest next to my bed. I've been glancing at them between duties today, but that isn't really as much time as I would like.

Also lately, I've been practicing my guitar more. I think I may have mentioned that yesterday. I've been working on learning more creative and meaningful worship songs. I'm getting warmed back up, that's for sure. I need a lot more time though. It's been a long time since I was required to learn any kind of music on a regular basis. It's good for me though. It helps take the edge off. I would say that the buzz I get from playing alone with my guitar is better than any buzz I've had from kicking back a few. But my voice has seen better days. It's been soar for about a week now mostly because the weather here has been so dry. I have to wear chapstick all the time and I also have to remember to discharge the static build up on my body through the length of my arm onto my car when I get out instead of with my hand. The reason being is that static arcs a lot farther and with more intensity in cold dry weather conditions, so I get a good jolt every time I get out of my car. I'm talking visible light and tingling muscles. For a while I was wondering if my car maybe had a bare wire resting up against the chassy, but that's not the case.

I'm glad to be reading and to be playing more music though. I need these things to help me focus and remember the tasks I have at hand rather than worry about tomorrow. Speaking of which, I have to be at work by 6:30am. That means I need to sleep. Peace and love.

The All-Day Journal

The service this morning went really well. I got home last night at about one and checked my e-mail to find that they didn't have enough singers for today, so I went in a little early. I really enjoy singing in the band and I wish I could do it more often, but they really need tech people a little bit more than they would need singers. I do whatever they need is what that amounts to.

The service was about fear, and it was really amazing. I want you to listen to it. If you haven't subscribed to my church's podcast yet, I'll tell you how again.

1.) First, you'll need to download Itunes from the internet if you don't already have it on your computer.

2.) After getting that installed, go into the program and go to the menu on the left side of the window that says "iTunes Store".

3.)Once the iTunes store page loads in the main window, click on the menu on the left side that says "podcasts".

4.) The page will change and then you can type in a search in the box at the top right of the window. The search should be for "Midtown Fellowship".

5.) This will take you to the podcast. There should be only one result for your search. Click "Subscribe" on the right side of the screen. Don't worry, it's completely free.

6.) The podcast will begin to download this week's sermon onto your computer and will automatically replace it every week with the new sermon. To listen to it just go to the left side scroll menu and look for the icon that says "Podcasts". Click on it, and you'll see the sound file sitting there, ready to play.

Outside of that, I played some frisbee with Viking today for about an hour. The weather was warmer than usual and the sun is out, so I feel pretty happy. I might be in the process of fighting off some sickness, but I don't think it'll get the best of me. This week is going to be a little bit difficult, but I think I'll be able to make it through. My desires are simple. All I want is just a little bit of free time to sit back and relax. I'll have a pretty loaded day up through Wednesday, and after that, who knows. Maybe I ought to start throwing applications out to different areas, maybe even around here. I've been thinking a lot about staying, moving, moving, and then staying. I think if God really wants me to move, He'll make the financial part of it work out. That's pretty much what it all boils down to at this point. I know I'm needed there and I'm pretty sure I'd get along great with the people, but financially, I've got responsibilities that need to be taken care of. I'll just see what happens.

Okay, so this is the first journal that I've written that has taken me all day to write. I literally started writing at about 2:30 and it is currently 11:19pm. I took a nap though and I woke myself up. I stopped breathing in my sleep all of the sudden for no reason at all and it startled me awake. But that was good because Matt and Viking were on the way to Kroger to get some groceries, so I snagged a ride with them. I finally caved and bought some tapioca pudding. I love that stuff. I've already eaten three cases of it. I really need to stop before I waste it all in one night.

Speaking of pudding, I also have been thinking about getting back into the gym (yes, again), but I just don't know where I can fit it into my schedule. It's not so much the difficulty of working out, but the fact that I have work and school and if I start working out now, I'll be too soar to drive cars and run up and down stairs. Maybe I'll tough it out though. I'm built back up again to where I could have some pretty impressive gains if I just disciplined myself into a commitment.

So now I just finished playing guitar for a while. I'm trying to learn a whole new set of worship songs other than the ones I learned in high school. Our church sings some really good ones, but I can't remember the melody on a lot of them and all I have are chord charts, so I think I'm going to have to get in touch with Randall and see if I can't get together with him to work some of these out. I've been practicing my guitar a little more than usual lately. I'm trying to lean back on other activities besides just watching tv all of the time. I really want to read more too, but I'm still pretty bad about that. Oh well. I'm out. Peace and love.

Dark to Light

Another journal I erased from being publicly published. I've had a great deal on my heart these past few days. It has been liberating and refreshing and my soul feels clean again for the first time in 5 years. I wanted to spill it all out for you, but even though the ending is a happy one, the struggles are dark and tormenting. If you want to know, you can ask, but I think it is best this way.

I'm ready for tomorrow. It might be a while before I rest again, but bring it on.

Peace and Love

I Forgot to Title this Journal

I'm not going to say much on the happenings of yesterday other than this: You don't have to be who you've always known yourself to be. You don't have to always respond the same way to painful situations. You don't have to live based upon the negative experiences that have weighed you down for so long. Sometimes we know in our hearts what is right, but pride can get in the way. Sometimes it gets in the way because we secretly want to feel the pain and we want attention, so we want it to get in the way, but peace is not made in such ways. Sometimes you just have to take that step from cowardice and pride to bravery and humility.

I haven't been able to think clearly lately. I don't know what is going on in my head, but I just can't think critically all of the sudden. I sit in class and my mind is completely gone. I can't pay attention and I can't grasp even the simplest ideas. I can't even speak clearly, or type clearly for that matter. This is bad timing. I have two more tests to take this week and I don't have any means by which to study because my mind is completely shut down. I don't think it's senioritis because I am really interested in the classes I am taking, and I don't think it is stress because I have come to peace about the other taxing situations in my life. Maybe it's stress aftermath? I don't know. I just don't like the way I feel right now.

If I'm having aftershocks from puberty I'm going to be pretty mad (unless I get a full beard out of it... then I might not be so mad).

I know my heart is changing though. That much is certain. What did I write in my last serious journal? Something to the extent of "There is much in me that requires change." Perhaps
God took that as a prayer. Perhaps I am changing all over.

Change or no change, there is one thing certain. I have now killed 19 mice. I am now just three mice short of beating the brown recluse kill count during warm season. We killed 22 brown recluse total. I'm sure more than that died in the attic from being sprayed, but that's how many bodies we found in the house. I know the mice are hungry though. They've started to eat their own dead. That means that they're really in a panic for food which means they're easily hunted. They'll get stupid just for a bite of bread crust or even flavored cardboard. The only down side is that they come to my room now. I hate that. It only makes me want to kill them more, and boy do I. I've killed three every night for the past three nights, and I've killed them all by hand. I'm even starting to have heigtened senses later at night when they come out. My body is being conditioned for the hunt. I can distinguish between the rattling of my heater and the sounds of them scamping across my floor. I can tell the difference between an adolescent mouse squeek and an adult mouse. I can even predict their movements on the floor, which is why I've been able to catch two of them with my bare hands. I'm pretty sure I'm paying way too much for rent though, considering how many mice I've destroyed.

Well, I'm going to go take a shower, cook dinner, and then study for the rest of the night. How does that sound? I'm definitely looking forward to Sunday when all of this will finally boil down. I'll be consistently busy until then. Peace and love.

Stupid Shaving Cream

Okay, so a new front for my frustration has just come into play and moved everything else to the back burner. I just shaved with that new lotion shaving cream that they've been trying to sell on tv, talking about how it leaves your face smooth and silky. I bought it because it was cheaper than a can of cream, and yes, my face is pretty smooth. I'm sorta ticked though because the stuff doesn't wash out of your razor when you rinse it. It just congeals in there and clogs up your blade! Not only that, but when you drain the sink, the lotion doesn't wash away, it just sticks to the side of the sink! Oh, this also marks the second consecutive time I've cut myself using the stuff too. It's not the blades, I just bought a new set, it's definitely the cream.

I disapprove!

My Unchanging Selfishness

OH MY GOSH! I just can't get through this in one piece can I!?! Misunderstandings, assumptions, bitterness, sensations of betrayal and love both falsly and truthfully placed. Everyone has a pocket full of advice whether it be from experience or not. Everyone has their own home remedies. Everyone wants things to stay the same, even the ones trying to promote change.

To avoid drama I simply pack up and leave. That's how I dodge the problem. Mitch and I talked about it. He and I share the same tactic. We're like captains aboard a submarine with a breeched hull. Something got through and we're taking on water. The sub is still okay, but we're going to have to seal off that section with every man still inside. So that's what I'm good at. I'm good at grabbing the door, pushing it shut and twisting the hatch while staring the drowning men on the other side of the glass in the face, all beating the pipes with wrenches trying to keep their heads above water.

Selfish? Didn't say it wasn't. I just said that's how I deal with emotional problems.

So that's the first step. The next step is we surface and bail the water out with a dixi cup. It takes a good bit of solitude to do, but any amount of water can be bailed with a dixi cup given the appropriate amount of time.

And I do count it as my tragic flaw to be so cold, to count a situation lost and turn my back with so little feeling of remorse. I don't know how I developed into that kind of person. I have my ideas here and there, but all it took was one situation to reveal that dark part of my life in all of its harshness and brutality.

Yes, yes... there is much in me that remains in need of change.

Filling Shoes

I wanted to write a response on a movie I saw last night. I went to see "The Painted Veil" with Viking. There weren't many people there to see it, so it seemed like a gamble, and it started off a little rough, but I have to say that it was probably one of the most impacting movies I've ever seen. It was as if I was looking into the eyes of a late 30's version of myself, only it wasn't really me, it was Edward Norton. The movie got me thinking about my ideal image of manhood and how that might look applied to my life. I feel like I have most of it down. I have age down. I know I'm young, but I'll be 23 soon and you can't really catagorize that as a kid or even a teenager anymore. I have the knowledge part down too. I know enough now to be able to function on completely independantly (maybe not in Alaska, but you get the idea). There is one thing missing though. It is, in my opinion, essential to complete the image of a man, and I just don't have it down yet. It's the passionate drive, the desire to work a that one thing that compells you to distraction from everything else. It's not selfish either. It's almost always in the service of others.

When God made man, the first thing he gave him, even before woman, was work.

I just don't have that passion yet but I feel like I should. I feel it stirring in my blood. It's like having a place on your gums for a tooth and feeling it just under the skin, but it hasn't poked through yet. Maybe it's because I'm in school and I just don't have time to be devoted to any one thing. I think that probably has a great deal to do with it. Either way, I don't feel like I would be worthy of the fruition of some of my other desires until that part of me has come to maturity. I know it's not exactly up to me, but that's how I feel.

This week is going to be pretty heavy. I have three tests and a full work schedule. I'm going to take it with a smile though. I need to rejoice more in my discipline than I normally do. As any regular reader knows, I am very proned to letting work and stress get under my skin rather than realize how they continually shape me into someone stronger and wiser, hence, I complain a lot. And for someone who hates bitching as much as I do, it's ironic that so much bitching comes from me.

I wrote a poem in class last thursday about that. Sucking it up or getting sucked up by each and every situation. Funny, I'm sitting in class writing page length poetry instead of paying attention. Obviously my passion must be somewhere in that field of focus.

I'm just gabbing on and on now. I need some sweet sweet sleep. Peace and love.

Man Vs Mouse

Okay, so the mouse war has commenced this season and I am in full swing. My prowess has never been greater and neither has my vengance. I take no prisoners and my methods for termination are a bit less than conventional. Traps don't get a clear message across anymore. I have moved to hand-to-hand combat. The mouse's strength against my own (weapons allowed). So far I have killed 10. Let me share with you the list.

Mouse Watch (War on Rodent Terror):
Terror Alert: Elivated
Report As of 02/03/2007

Name: Death:

Archibald: snap trap
Beaux: snap trap
Charlamagne: snap trap
Dixon: snap trap (brutality: decapitation)
Edwardo: glue trap (frozen)
Fredo: unknown (sink: possibly frozen)
Garrett: firing squad (found in trash and expediently executed by bb gun)
Helius: firing squad (")
Icarus: beer bottle to the head
Jerry: baseball bat (home run)

They're getting dumb, and because we have taken extra measures to keep the house clean, they are getting desperate. They're trying to find new places to get food, but MY room is not one of them! The ones I have caught in my room have died a most unpleasant death.

And the fight shall continue. Be it brown recluse or mouse it makes no difference to me. All intruders will be given no quarter.

Peace and Love (to mankind)
Death and Decay (to mice)

Day after Dancing

I have acomplished the first step in my "Saturday is Awesome" scheduling. I woke up to watching Armagedon and took a shower at 10:00. Now I'm starting to think about food and all the different ways I might procure it. Perhaps I shall ride my bike with Viking, who knows. Only time will tell. Everything I do today will be completely unplanned, unscheduled mayhem.

Last night was great. I went contra-dancing again and I'm getting really good. All the older ladies were mackin on me because I was all dressed up. They said I was a really good dancer which surprised me because I haven't done stuff like that before, but it's not too hard to figure out.
That's the place. Dancing is fun.

So for the rest of the day, I have no idea what I'll be doing, but it'll be fun. Peace and love.

Get to Rebuilding

Clean, everything is clean. For the first time in a long time I went on a cleaning rampage today. I mean I keep things up to par most of the time, but it isn't often that I go "white glove". Over all, I feel pretty good. Things are aligning in order and I don't feel quite as bummed out as I did for the past few days. I think some of it has to do with the fact that I gave myself no free time at all. I kept doing and doing and doing, not stupid stuff either. I was pretty constructive and creative all day. When I woke up I felt like crap. I was really pissed off that it didn't snow AT ALL. But one of two of my classes got cancled anyways, so that was great. Physics lab wasn't even that hard.

I suppose it was only a matter of time before I learned how to bide my time considering all of the new variables this semester. I think I'm going to go hunt for a new job pretty soon to take the place of valet. I can't afford to not be getting work from them right now. I hate the idea of a less flexible job though, and what if it isn't tip pay? I guess I'll survive.

And guys, I don't mean to be so bummed out all of the time. I guess that's all you really think of me if you just read my journal. I'm a happy person a lot of the time too. Sometimes writing is the only way I can express my inner struggles though. That's why a lot of the time it comes out on paper (digital paper). I'm not saying that times have been easy as of late. I really did just come through a pretty heavy storm. This, I actually equate to a tornado... and me? I'm a trailor home. I'm a trailor home that got ripped in half and a good bit of the stuff I loved got lifted into the air. I might not ever see it again. But now, now it's time to rebuild. You can only be bummed out for so long. Eventually you just have to grab a hammer and some nails and get to work again.

Well... a mouse just crept into my room. He can't escape though because I just sealed the door on him. I'll kill him before morning. He doesn't really have much of a place to hide.

I think I'm going to play some guitar for a while before bed. Peace and love.