Soft and Loud Fears

I'm here and I'm getting settled in. When I got back I ended up driving around town a little bit with Catherine and Matt trying to find some food and I saw things that sparked my memory. It made me feel weird, like something in me was vastly different from the last time I saw those places and things. At the house, things were pretty messy. That's how I left it at least, so I started cleaning and thinking like I usually do. I'm trying to get ready for this future that's about to hit me in the face. I don't want to cringe or frown or anything, I just want to take it with a smile.

My fears are pretty large right now and I share them with the world for no good reason. My smaller fears consist of how tough this semester will be and how I will juggle work and school while maintaining some sense of sanity. I worry about money, even though I know God has always taken care of me. I don't know why I still worry about that. My larger fears are what I actually spend time wrestling with though. I mean the small fears come and go. They merely make me stop and take a second look at a situation before moving in. My larger fears can sometimes alter the course of my life and the lives of the people around me. I don't fear death, and I don't fear public speaking. I heard somewhere that those are the two greatest fears among human beings. Public speaking? Where did that come from? I'll tell you what I fear. I fear that large ticking clock. I fear that when time runs out I will have not followed my convictions, that I will have settled for something less and that I will be just another guy who made little or no difference at all. I fear that what I might choose to do within the next few months will determine that. I also fear that if I do follow my heart and my convictions that I will never be loved the way I've always wanted to be loved. I always hopingly tell myself that it will be a special woman who can settle in with me, but sometimes I wounder if such a woman could exist. But I fear these things because life seems shorter and more limited to me today than it did last year. I also fear these things because I am young. What will my fears consist of in 30 years I wounder?

These are the kinds of thoughts that I will try to balance along with my responsibilities which are about to kick in at overdrive at the break of dawn tomorrow. Classes are firing up and I'm still feeling eaten alive by senioritis. I hope I can find some motivation, something interesting to focus my learning on that actually consists of class material. It could happen. It has before.

I wanted to thank the anonymous commentor on my last journal though, before I head to bed. That Psalm is a wonderful reminder that if I remain faithful, my seemingly large worries will become smaller and fade away as they are either simply removed or worked out. My life has purpose and perhaps it is not quite the day that I should find what that purpose is, but that day is coming. Peace and love.