Last Day Away

I'm going back to Nashville tomorrow for the new beginning of a new semester filled with new challenges. Right now, however, I'm in South Carolina at Matt's house with his family and also Catherine. We've been here for a few days mostly working on music in preperation for today. We lead worship in the morning service and did a rock show tonight. I gotta say, it was great fun. I love playing with a full band of people who understand and also are passionate about music. We clicked really well and everything went better than planned.

It's go time though. There's no joking around this semester. I have so many decisions to make and so much to get done. There is potential for great success or great disappointment and it's really all up to mindset as to which one dominates my life. I have to decide what I'm going to do, where I'm going to go, and why, all before July. Will I get a good job? Will I stay in Nashville or move? If I do move, where to? What is my motivation for any of this? Is it the right motivation? A lot of personal questions sort of latch on to this whole train of thought too. I was talking to Andy about it and the trick is you have to look at the moment as a passing circumstance rather than a stationary cage. Sometimes I get so caught up in the moment that I forget where I'm going and why. It just all seems so bleak and stagnant.

I sorta feel alone though. I guess it's a door that I have to walk through alone. I'm trying to make such rough decisions and I keep getting met with discouragement after discouragement meeting very few allies on the way. I have my friends, but they're going through the same transitions. Everyone else who cares about me only sees me from a distance. That's not really their fault, and I guess it hurts both of us because in that lies a rift in understanding. I guess I'm being difficult too. Sometimes I just don't want anyone's help. Sometimes I'm afraid they'll lord it over me later on. It feels a lot like using a credit card to me. Some people don't mind the monthly bills and constant mental reminders that they owe someone else money, but it really bothers me.

Things will get brighter someday though. I can't even say that things are not bright now. There are lots of good things going on in my life, but I live in several different layers. The top layer is social, which has been great for a long time. The middle is life goals which seems deathly grey right now, and the third layer is spiritual. Though it might be cloudy, I am familiar with the trends of my spiritual life. These clouds always beset growth and warmth.

So let's start it off. Everything is going to pick up momentum and speed very quickly and the semester will pass with a blink, but where will I be in a year? I'm still confident that it will all unfold soon.

Peace and love.