I'm Angry

I just wrote an entire journal, venting my current frustration pertaining to a situation I have involved myself in. I'm hurting pretty bad right now and there's nothing anyone can do about it. I'm mad at myself, I'm frustrated with others, and I'm loosing heart. I want what I can't have, the only thing I can't attain by working hard enough, the one universal thing that most people who already have it, take for granted. It's a gift, and it has been given to so many people around me, but it passes me over again and again and again. It's torturous repetition, and I'm not even aloud to talk about it because people think of you as pathetic if they know you want it too badly.

The manly thing to do (or at least as culture dictates) would be to stand up, put a stern face on, turn, and walk away. You have to be cold and not want it if you ever want it at all. And I want to be cold and walk away so badly, I really do. I know I could too because I've done it several times before, but something keeps on holding me back and I can't identify what it is yet.

I erased what I had originally written because it was a physical response to a heart situation, and the body can't be trusted to interoperate the things of the heart. I saved it though. I want to look at it again later when I have spent more time being quiet and listening and praying.

Have you ever prayed to God as if He was someone who you knew didn't like answering you about certain things, but you're still looking for approval from? You try and set up a trap for them by saying "If you don't tell me that I'm wrong, I'm going to take that as a go-ahead." I do that sometimes, like tonight for instance. I pray about this part of my life all of the time, but most of the time I hear silence. I want something sharp, like lightening, to just pour into the room and write a command on the wall that I can understand. Sometimes I feel like God only likes to speak in cryptic riddles. I'm a simple person though. I don't get riddles very easily. I just want to be grabbed by the face, having it shaken, and told, "THIS is what I want you to do!" followed by a series of schematics so I don't have any excuse to screw things up.

That doesn't happen though. I mean it must happen this way for a reason, but I honestly don't trust myself to be mature right now. I get set off so easily when I open myself up. I'm just looking for an excuse to close myself off again, but if my inner heart tells me to stay open just a little longer, I'll endure this immense pain and stay open a little longer.

Peace and love.