You ever have one of those days where you feel like the only person alive. Everything is quiet and no one will even answer their phone. I'm feelin like that right now, and I really wish I could talk to someone. My options are limited though. There are certain people I will talk to about certain things. Some of it has to do with trust, some of it has to do with whether or not I can depend on that person to not be overwhelmed by what I have to say while at the same time being able to know exactly where I am so they can give me hard and well thought out advice. Plenty of people can give advice, I've discovered. Not very many people give advice that sounds well thought out or from experience or wisdom though. They just sorta give you the obvious "Oh, well... you should just think about something else." or "Hey, why don't you just pray about it?" Gee... never thought of it that way before, thanks. Now I realize that some people don't have the gift of advice giving, and that's not necissarily their fault. That's why, when the going gets tough, I get very particular about who I talk to.
Long story short: I'm just really frustrated right now as you might be able to tell. I was doing great all day, but things just blew up all of the sudden. When people start to consistently shirk their responsibilities and it comes down on me, I get a little angry. It, unfortunately, goes deeper than that though, much deeper. That's why it would be cool if I had a line right now, but I don't. I'm just gunna take a shower or something. Maybe that way I won't be so mad.
Peace and love.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Monday, January 29, 2007
Killing Giants
We had fun tonight. It was the first night of the last RUSH week of my Greek life. We always do this recital and perform all sorts of crazy songs, some serious, most of them not.
I'm feeling more comfortable in my recent decisions. I still have a few doubts and unexpected attacks, but that's normal I guess. I'm ready for the fight. I'm trying to look forward to the horizon, to make plans and think positively about what I'm going to experience. I'm also trying to prepare my heart for the seperation and the distance of me from all I feel comfortable with and understand. This isn't like going on the mission field for a year. I'm leaving and if I ever did come back, no one else would be here and nothing would be the same. I don't know. I just had all of these great expectations and now they're not happening. Other great things are definitely happening that I will love, but... I don't know what I'm trying to say. I speak as if I'm so certain. I don't even know if I'll get the job. I don't know if I'll survive the next day. I do know, however, that there are better things to do with my time than to worry about tomorrow.
I tell you what though. I keep seeing all of these parallels to the Biblical David in my life. He's the guy I can relate with the most. He was always the small one who by the grace of God achieved great things and surprised everyone around him. He understood the soulful principles of music and recognized beauty where it could be seen. He was a fighter, but he also spent time running away and hiding. He was a leader, and an unlikely one at that. He did stupid stuff to get women's attention. He and I, we have a lot in common. I mean I'm no king, but I understand this man and where he came from.
Well... not much else to say. I hope I make it through tomorrow. It's going to be pretty cold in the morning and I have to work outside. I don't know what this means for my hands, but it can't be good. Peace and love.
I'm feeling more comfortable in my recent decisions. I still have a few doubts and unexpected attacks, but that's normal I guess. I'm ready for the fight. I'm trying to look forward to the horizon, to make plans and think positively about what I'm going to experience. I'm also trying to prepare my heart for the seperation and the distance of me from all I feel comfortable with and understand. This isn't like going on the mission field for a year. I'm leaving and if I ever did come back, no one else would be here and nothing would be the same. I don't know. I just had all of these great expectations and now they're not happening. Other great things are definitely happening that I will love, but... I don't know what I'm trying to say. I speak as if I'm so certain. I don't even know if I'll get the job. I don't know if I'll survive the next day. I do know, however, that there are better things to do with my time than to worry about tomorrow.
I tell you what though. I keep seeing all of these parallels to the Biblical David in my life. He's the guy I can relate with the most. He was always the small one who by the grace of God achieved great things and surprised everyone around him. He understood the soulful principles of music and recognized beauty where it could be seen. He was a fighter, but he also spent time running away and hiding. He was a leader, and an unlikely one at that. He did stupid stuff to get women's attention. He and I, we have a lot in common. I mean I'm no king, but I understand this man and where he came from.
Well... not much else to say. I hope I make it through tomorrow. It's going to be pretty cold in the morning and I have to work outside. I don't know what this means for my hands, but it can't be good. Peace and love.
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Solo Excusrion 07: Winter Edition (Special)
So I made it back alive. It was quite the experience as I expected, though it was a bit colder too. But hey, I've got pictures to help illustrate this story, so here we go.
I loaded up my car yesterday as soon as I was done with everything important. It took a bit of time and I was honestly surprised at how much junk I was taking for just one night, but I thought about it, and most people go camping in groups, therefore, most camping equipment takes up lots of space to accomidate lots of people. Here you can see my tent box, the firepit base, and an extra blanket in the back. I'll talk more about the equipment later.
So the drive itself was nice. It wound along the Natchez-Trace Parkway for a little over an hour, and there were hardly any people out and about, so it was relaxing. I listened to the Eels and Jeff Buckly on the way. They seemed most appropriate for the mood and the setting.
When I got there, it was about 1:30. I like to see how fast I can find my site and set up camp, so I got to work. This is the site I declared in the name of solo excursion.
It was site located in the very back of the park. Odly enough, it was site #4, though I was a little curious as to how they decided to number the sites because it didn't seem like fourth in line for anything... Anyways, I got to setting up. It was easy and a lot less cold than I thought it would be, so I didn't get too slowed down. It only took me about 30 minutes to get set up they way I liked it. I was pretty happy about that.
Here you can see the tent with my stuff inside and the firebowl with my faithful ax resting at its side. There was a steep hill behind me, perfect for walking down if and when nature called. After everything was set up, I got to building a kit so I could start a fire for dinner after I got back from my hike. I needed a tender box because I didn't have any gas, so I shaved some wood off of a block using my knife, and I put the scraps into a CD case that I had in my trunk (I knew that thing would come in handy one of these days).
After that, I grabbed a water bottle and headed out for a little exploration. I basically started with the objective of finding a trail. I had no idea where they were or if they even had any, but I figured it was a national park, so there was bound to be one somewhere. I eventually found one about a mile away from camp and decided to go down. The next step was to find a walking stick. Not but a few steps down the trail did I find one that someone had purposefully left there. Hikers do that every once in a while, and I was glad because it was a perfect stick. Now all that was left was to explore the unkown. I had no idea where I was going, if the trail looped, or if it just kept going. I just wanted to figure things out as I went. The only problem was that the sun would be going down in a couple of hours, so that was a motivating force to be careful.
I found some cool sites while I was walking, stuff that was just really beautiful to me.
At after a couple of hours I had a striking realization. I was pretty far away from camp and I had about two hours left of light. The trail was poorly marked, so if dark fell, I would be spending the night out in the cold. I had the option of turning around or sticking to the path and gambling that it was a loop that would lead me back to camp. I kept going, and I also thought up a plan for if I did wind up stuck in the woods for the night. I was planning on digging a ditch in the dirt by a log and then covering myself with leaves while marking the pile with one of my shirts just in case someone came along later on. I was also trying to convince myself that I could start a fire with two sticks... (highly unlikely). I figured that would have been enough until morning, but we'll talk about why it wouldn't have been later on.
So as I continued on I saw several awesome sites including 5 deer that I scared up the hillside and a hawk. I also saw this place that reminded me of the Disney production of White Fang. I could so see a little log cabin sitting right in the middle. I was a bit nervous taking the picture though. This was about 50 feet up and I was right on the edge.
Shortly after this picture was taken I spotted a road off in the distance, and being that it was dark, I figured I stood a better chance near a road at night than on a dark and poorly marked trail. So I set out on the road, not really sure what direction I was going, but I figured I'd run into someone at some point who could tell me. After about 30 minutes on the road, I soon discovered a picnic area, so I figured I was in the right spot. I kept walking until I found the camp grounds and then I found my camp site again. At that point, I had about 20 minutes of sunlight left. Close call.
Now I needed to cook some food. I got my cooler out of the trunk and started the fire up pretty effortlessly. A good tip, I'd say, is to whiddle your walking stick into the fire pit. Take the shavings and pile them up and start the fire. It worked on the first try. But for dinner I had hotdogs, greens, a can of pork and beans, and a baked potatoe (well... I started cooking the baked potatoe, but it got a little... overdone). Rule number one about being prepared is that if you take canned food, either make sure the lid is hand openable or make sure that you bring a can opener. Nathan for the lose on this one. Oops!
Knives are great things. The bigger the better. But everything was cooked over my perfect roaring fire. I used a little wood block as a trey so my pots wouldn't burn me. I didn't have any bowls or plates.
So after I ate (better than I have eaten all week), it got dark and quiet. I sat and sang and prayed for a while. The main purpose of the trip was just to get away and get with God about some stuff. If I really ever want to be sure I'm making the right decisions, I need to get completely isolated for a while. But being that it was dark (and my flashlight batteries were dead) I figured I'd just go to bed. It was only around 7 o'clock as I guessed, but what do you do in pitch dark at night? This is when the true hardships began.
I fell asleep as my fire died outside and then I awoke to the most feared sound I could have immagined last night. No, not bears, not any kind of animal. I heard rain and heavy wind. I started facing the facts. Things were getting cold and wet FAST, and I was in for it now. Too late to pack up and go home. I pulled my hat down and got deep into my sleeping bag and went back to sleep. I woke up a few times after that because a part of my body would become exposed to the biting cold, but I would cover it up again and go back to sleep. The sun is what finally woke me up. It shot me right in the eye. I put on my shoes and crawled out of my tent into the breathtaking air. I turned and noticed that it wasn't just rain last night, but freezing rain which had created a thin layer of ice on my tent. It was at this time that I realized how fatal of a mistake it would have been to get stranded in the woods last night. I doubt leaves would have saved my life and Lord knows I can't start a fire with sticks.
So I was cold and I was groggy. It was a hard night. Get off my back. My drinking water was frozen solid, so I couldn't even brush my teeth. All of these elements to the equation helped me make up my mind fast. I needed to pack up and go home. I started up my car and started throwing things into it. I didn't fold anything up and I still had to take a break to unfreeze my hands in my car before starting again. I hope I don't have anymore frostbite. That would suck. I might though, we'll see. I got it all taken care of though and left in a heated car. Before I took off, though, I stopped at Meriwether Lewis' grave to pay my respects. If he did what I did for longer than a night, he has more than my respect.
I even made it home in time to go to church. I found out that I woke up at around 7:30 and it only took me another 30 minutes to break down. On the drive back I listened to Josh Ritters. Again, this seemed best for the mood and the sunny morning road. I think you would have agreed had you been there. When I got home I took a warm shower and then checked the weather. It got down to 17 degrees last night. I feel like a man now.
But hey, I gotta go unpack my car before it gets dark, but the adventurer in me is appeased and I got the spiritual guidance I went out to find.
Peace and love
I loaded up my car yesterday as soon as I was done with everything important. It took a bit of time and I was honestly surprised at how much junk I was taking for just one night, but I thought about it, and most people go camping in groups, therefore, most camping equipment takes up lots of space to accomidate lots of people. Here you can see my tent box, the firepit base, and an extra blanket in the back. I'll talk more about the equipment later.So the drive itself was nice. It wound along the Natchez-Trace Parkway for a little over an hour, and there were hardly any people out and about, so it was relaxing. I listened to the Eels and Jeff Buckly on the way. They seemed most appropriate for the mood and the setting.
When I got there, it was about 1:30. I like to see how fast I can find my site and set up camp, so I got to work. This is the site I declared in the name of solo excursion.
It was site located in the very back of the park. Odly enough, it was site #4, though I was a little curious as to how they decided to number the sites because it didn't seem like fourth in line for anything... Anyways, I got to setting up. It was easy and a lot less cold than I thought it would be, so I didn't get too slowed down. It only took me about 30 minutes to get set up they way I liked it. I was pretty happy about that.
Here you can see the tent with my stuff inside and the firebowl with my faithful ax resting at its side. There was a steep hill behind me, perfect for walking down if and when nature called. After everything was set up, I got to building a kit so I could start a fire for dinner after I got back from my hike. I needed a tender box because I didn't have any gas, so I shaved some wood off of a block using my knife, and I put the scraps into a CD case that I had in my trunk (I knew that thing would come in handy one of these days).
After that, I grabbed a water bottle and headed out for a little exploration. I basically started with the objective of finding a trail. I had no idea where they were or if they even had any, but I figured it was a national park, so there was bound to be one somewhere. I eventually found one about a mile away from camp and decided to go down. The next step was to find a walking stick. Not but a few steps down the trail did I find one that someone had purposefully left there. Hikers do that every once in a while, and I was glad because it was a perfect stick. Now all that was left was to explore the unkown. I had no idea where I was going, if the trail looped, or if it just kept going. I just wanted to figure things out as I went. The only problem was that the sun would be going down in a couple of hours, so that was a motivating force to be careful.I found some cool sites while I was walking, stuff that was just really beautiful to me.
At after a couple of hours I had a striking realization. I was pretty far away from camp and I had about two hours left of light. The trail was poorly marked, so if dark fell, I would be spending the night out in the cold. I had the option of turning around or sticking to the path and gambling that it was a loop that would lead me back to camp. I kept going, and I also thought up a plan for if I did wind up stuck in the woods for the night. I was planning on digging a ditch in the dirt by a log and then covering myself with leaves while marking the pile with one of my shirts just in case someone came along later on. I was also trying to convince myself that I could start a fire with two sticks... (highly unlikely). I figured that would have been enough until morning, but we'll talk about why it wouldn't have been later on.So as I continued on I saw several awesome sites including 5 deer that I scared up the hillside and a hawk. I also saw this place that reminded me of the Disney production of White Fang. I could so see a little log cabin sitting right in the middle. I was a bit nervous taking the picture though. This was about 50 feet up and I was right on the edge.
Shortly after this picture was taken I spotted a road off in the distance, and being that it was dark, I figured I stood a better chance near a road at night than on a dark and poorly marked trail. So I set out on the road, not really sure what direction I was going, but I figured I'd run into someone at some point who could tell me. After about 30 minutes on the road, I soon discovered a picnic area, so I figured I was in the right spot. I kept walking until I found the camp grounds and then I found my camp site again. At that point, I had about 20 minutes of sunlight left. Close call.Now I needed to cook some food. I got my cooler out of the trunk and started the fire up pretty effortlessly. A good tip, I'd say, is to whiddle your walking stick into the fire pit. Take the shavings and pile them up and start the fire. It worked on the first try. But for dinner I had hotdogs, greens, a can of pork and beans, and a baked potatoe (well... I started cooking the baked potatoe, but it got a little... overdone). Rule number one about being prepared is that if you take canned food, either make sure the lid is hand openable or make sure that you bring a can opener. Nathan for the lose on this one. Oops!
Knives are great things. The bigger the better. But everything was cooked over my perfect roaring fire. I used a little wood block as a trey so my pots wouldn't burn me. I didn't have any bowls or plates.
So after I ate (better than I have eaten all week), it got dark and quiet. I sat and sang and prayed for a while. The main purpose of the trip was just to get away and get with God about some stuff. If I really ever want to be sure I'm making the right decisions, I need to get completely isolated for a while. But being that it was dark (and my flashlight batteries were dead) I figured I'd just go to bed. It was only around 7 o'clock as I guessed, but what do you do in pitch dark at night? This is when the true hardships began.I fell asleep as my fire died outside and then I awoke to the most feared sound I could have immagined last night. No, not bears, not any kind of animal. I heard rain and heavy wind. I started facing the facts. Things were getting cold and wet FAST, and I was in for it now. Too late to pack up and go home. I pulled my hat down and got deep into my sleeping bag and went back to sleep. I woke up a few times after that because a part of my body would become exposed to the biting cold, but I would cover it up again and go back to sleep. The sun is what finally woke me up. It shot me right in the eye. I put on my shoes and crawled out of my tent into the breathtaking air. I turned and noticed that it wasn't just rain last night, but freezing rain which had created a thin layer of ice on my tent. It was at this time that I realized how fatal of a mistake it would have been to get stranded in the woods last night. I doubt leaves would have saved my life and Lord knows I can't start a fire with sticks.
So I was cold and I was groggy. It was a hard night. Get off my back. My drinking water was frozen solid, so I couldn't even brush my teeth. All of these elements to the equation helped me make up my mind fast. I needed to pack up and go home. I started up my car and started throwing things into it. I didn't fold anything up and I still had to take a break to unfreeze my hands in my car before starting again. I hope I don't have anymore frostbite. That would suck. I might though, we'll see. I got it all taken care of though and left in a heated car. Before I took off, though, I stopped at Meriwether Lewis' grave to pay my respects. If he did what I did for longer than a night, he has more than my respect.
I even made it home in time to go to church. I found out that I woke up at around 7:30 and it only took me another 30 minutes to break down. On the drive back I listened to Josh Ritters. Again, this seemed best for the mood and the sunny morning road. I think you would have agreed had you been there. When I got home I took a warm shower and then checked the weather. It got down to 17 degrees last night. I feel like a man now.But hey, I gotta go unpack my car before it gets dark, but the adventurer in me is appeased and I got the spiritual guidance I went out to find.
Peace and love
Saturday, January 27, 2007
Time to Survive
I'm almost all packed up. I'm going camping for a while, just by myself. I haven't done something like this in four years, so I'm a bit overdue. It'll be cold and I'll be underprepared, but the fun is in the challenge. I mostly just want to get away from everything so I can think clearly and uninhibited. It's hard these days to find such a secluded environment as a campground in the dead of winter. I'm a little bummed because I can't take my guitar, it'll be too cold. But I'll probably still sing. Who would be there to hear me? Anyways, it's on the Natchez-Trace Parkway at the Meriwether Lewis Memorial Park. I'm not sure how to get there yet, but it's mile marker 385, so that ought to be info enough. I'm dying for a little bit of exploration anyways. I'm sure there will be hiking trails too. That'll be awesome.
Let's see... yep, a low of 27 degrees tonight. I suspect I'll be okay. I know of a few survival methods to keep warm at night, plus I have extra cloths and a pretty good stock of firewood to see me through to the next day. It'll only be for one night. Depending on how cold I am I might stay well into the afternoon tomorrow, but that's pretty unlikely. My cell phone will be off unless I need to use it, so if you call, you're just going to get my voice mail. I'll try to take some pictures to post when I get back.
As for last night, it was amazing. I went contra dancing which is a mix between ballroom dancing and square dancing. Guys were definitely the minority, so it was pretty fun. I'm planning on going back next Friday, only this time with a better pair of shoes. My feet are soar.
Peace and love.
Let's see... yep, a low of 27 degrees tonight. I suspect I'll be okay. I know of a few survival methods to keep warm at night, plus I have extra cloths and a pretty good stock of firewood to see me through to the next day. It'll only be for one night. Depending on how cold I am I might stay well into the afternoon tomorrow, but that's pretty unlikely. My cell phone will be off unless I need to use it, so if you call, you're just going to get my voice mail. I'll try to take some pictures to post when I get back.
As for last night, it was amazing. I went contra dancing which is a mix between ballroom dancing and square dancing. Guys were definitely the minority, so it was pretty fun. I'm planning on going back next Friday, only this time with a better pair of shoes. My feet are soar.
Peace and love.
Friday, January 26, 2007
The Conclusion
Things are finally concluded in this enduring episode of misery. I can now focus on the things that I should be focusing on. Sucks that it has to end this way, cuz for a long time, things were going really well, but I've made up my mind, and I can see its purpose already start to unfold. Now it'll be hard for the first little while. I'm going to have to phase completely out of a picture that I enjoyed being a part of, but this happens all the time in life and it is a part of growth. I know a lot about myself now and I'm not going to feel guilty about it. Many people have tried to convict me in the past, saying that "You really messed things up by feeling that way." I used to listen and take that to heart, but not anymore. I don't feel guilty for caring and I never will. There are risks involved in life that you must take if you care to see any kind of progress. It just so happens that I've only had negative progress, but I won't give up. If it'll happen, it'll happen. Peace and love.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Killing Lots and Lots of Time
Well, I'm sitting here in the library trying to kill time. It's all about saving gas these days ladies and gentlemen. That is why I don't go home for a couple of hours and then come back. I would sooner save poor Felix (my car has a name) the trouble of having to turn on, rev engine for a few blocks and rest again. So keeping that in mind, I planned to spend time between Physics lab and Music Publishing class writing a paper that is infact due in Music Publishing tonight at 5. Now Physics lab usually gets out at 3, but for some reason I was smart today and finished 45 minutes early (and I didn't cut corners either). I figured, hey, more time for the paper, right? Right. So I came to the library to get started and get started I did. I found the magazine that my paper was going to be on, read through the article and took notes as I went, then I went downstairs to the computer lab and started typing away (a very clever paper if I do say so myself). It was divine providence that the paper should be done this way because the cost to print was going to be 20 cents and I had no money on me other than the card I used to print things off of last semester (which I had no idea how much money was left on it). So I put the card in to print it off and... what do you know... 20 cents left on my card. Hooray! So I printed the paper out, stapled it, and here I am. I started this journal at about 3:05, so I have two hours to kill and not enough weapons, I fear, to kill them with.
It's been cold for the past few days... I guess I can spend some time talking about that. As you know, we don't have heat in our house, so it gets pretty chilly at night. We have our space heaters of course, and all of the windows are wrapped in light plastic to cut down on draft, but the house still maintains... well... a less than worm state. What it means when it gets really cold is you have to wash a lot of socks because you always wear them around the house (hard wood floors and all) and I've never been closer to anything outside of my skin than my space heater and its 1500 watts of red-glowing love. So this is how I pass my time. I grab a book, stradle my space heater, and shoot down the hours. It's been a good sturdy relationship over the past few months, but I fear once warmer weather approaches, my eyes might start to wander.
Here, I can talk about work too. I've started back working 1st shift at work for the first time since summer. I forgot how much I like first shift over second. The atmosphere is completely better than second shift mostly, I think, because guests have just had a good night sleep, and the ones we deal with just want to get out of there. That's easy. Load em up and say goodbye. I'm getting a little better at the whole wake up thing, and sometimes it's useful to be up extra early anways because you get the first shower which means assured hot water. Speaking of showers I've completely switched over from using the upstairs bathroom to using the downstairs one. The reason being is that our shower drain was completely clogged upstairs and we live with some pretty hairy dudes. That being the case, it was like taking a shower on a bear-skin rug... You get the idea. I started to look for other options so my attention veered downstairs to Vikings bathroom. The problem with that was that the water pressure was that of a drooling toddler. I need complete water coverage people! So I got the bright idea to take the shower apart and I found the enemy. I figured that it had to have some potential because the regular bath focet poured out like a mighty deluge when turned on, but the shower was... less. The enemy in this situation was a little rubber stopper located just at the joint where the pipe meets the shower head. Solution: pop that sucker out. I did and now the shower feels more like a riot control divice. As long as you don't turn the water all the way on, though, you're fine. Viking was so excited that I had fixed it that when he took his shower he shouted with glee and then came out and gave me a big hug (fully dressed of course).
But yeah, waking up in the mornings is still hard, even when you have an amazing mecca shower.
Killing mice. I'm trying to kill all of the mice that have infiltrated our house and I'm about to resort to new tactics. I've met a smart guy who thinks he can best me, but he's got another thing coming. A few years ago I was a novice. I was Nathan the Mouse Catcher. The next year I grew in rank, becoming Nathan the Mouse Slayer. This year, however, I have accepted knighthood and am now Nathan of Micebane. I have renown among the species of field mice that this little guy thinks he can play with. We even had a face to face the other day where I warned him as he sat on his haunches looking at me with a stern smirk. He has now twice illuded me, but no more. I shall adjust the sensetivity of the mouse trap and take vengence.
Stuffy just called.
Peace and love.
It's been cold for the past few days... I guess I can spend some time talking about that. As you know, we don't have heat in our house, so it gets pretty chilly at night. We have our space heaters of course, and all of the windows are wrapped in light plastic to cut down on draft, but the house still maintains... well... a less than worm state. What it means when it gets really cold is you have to wash a lot of socks because you always wear them around the house (hard wood floors and all) and I've never been closer to anything outside of my skin than my space heater and its 1500 watts of red-glowing love. So this is how I pass my time. I grab a book, stradle my space heater, and shoot down the hours. It's been a good sturdy relationship over the past few months, but I fear once warmer weather approaches, my eyes might start to wander.
Here, I can talk about work too. I've started back working 1st shift at work for the first time since summer. I forgot how much I like first shift over second. The atmosphere is completely better than second shift mostly, I think, because guests have just had a good night sleep, and the ones we deal with just want to get out of there. That's easy. Load em up and say goodbye. I'm getting a little better at the whole wake up thing, and sometimes it's useful to be up extra early anways because you get the first shower which means assured hot water. Speaking of showers I've completely switched over from using the upstairs bathroom to using the downstairs one. The reason being is that our shower drain was completely clogged upstairs and we live with some pretty hairy dudes. That being the case, it was like taking a shower on a bear-skin rug... You get the idea. I started to look for other options so my attention veered downstairs to Vikings bathroom. The problem with that was that the water pressure was that of a drooling toddler. I need complete water coverage people! So I got the bright idea to take the shower apart and I found the enemy. I figured that it had to have some potential because the regular bath focet poured out like a mighty deluge when turned on, but the shower was... less. The enemy in this situation was a little rubber stopper located just at the joint where the pipe meets the shower head. Solution: pop that sucker out. I did and now the shower feels more like a riot control divice. As long as you don't turn the water all the way on, though, you're fine. Viking was so excited that I had fixed it that when he took his shower he shouted with glee and then came out and gave me a big hug (fully dressed of course).
But yeah, waking up in the mornings is still hard, even when you have an amazing mecca shower.
Killing mice. I'm trying to kill all of the mice that have infiltrated our house and I'm about to resort to new tactics. I've met a smart guy who thinks he can best me, but he's got another thing coming. A few years ago I was a novice. I was Nathan the Mouse Catcher. The next year I grew in rank, becoming Nathan the Mouse Slayer. This year, however, I have accepted knighthood and am now Nathan of Micebane. I have renown among the species of field mice that this little guy thinks he can play with. We even had a face to face the other day where I warned him as he sat on his haunches looking at me with a stern smirk. He has now twice illuded me, but no more. I shall adjust the sensetivity of the mouse trap and take vengence.
Stuffy just called.
Peace and love.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
I'm Angry
I just wrote an entire journal, venting my current frustration pertaining to a situation I have involved myself in. I'm hurting pretty bad right now and there's nothing anyone can do about it. I'm mad at myself, I'm frustrated with others, and I'm loosing heart. I want what I can't have, the only thing I can't attain by working hard enough, the one universal thing that most people who already have it, take for granted. It's a gift, and it has been given to so many people around me, but it passes me over again and again and again. It's torturous repetition, and I'm not even aloud to talk about it because people think of you as pathetic if they know you want it too badly.
The manly thing to do (or at least as culture dictates) would be to stand up, put a stern face on, turn, and walk away. You have to be cold and not want it if you ever want it at all. And I want to be cold and walk away so badly, I really do. I know I could too because I've done it several times before, but something keeps on holding me back and I can't identify what it is yet.
I erased what I had originally written because it was a physical response to a heart situation, and the body can't be trusted to interoperate the things of the heart. I saved it though. I want to look at it again later when I have spent more time being quiet and listening and praying.
Have you ever prayed to God as if He was someone who you knew didn't like answering you about certain things, but you're still looking for approval from? You try and set up a trap for them by saying "If you don't tell me that I'm wrong, I'm going to take that as a go-ahead." I do that sometimes, like tonight for instance. I pray about this part of my life all of the time, but most of the time I hear silence. I want something sharp, like lightening, to just pour into the room and write a command on the wall that I can understand. Sometimes I feel like God only likes to speak in cryptic riddles. I'm a simple person though. I don't get riddles very easily. I just want to be grabbed by the face, having it shaken, and told, "THIS is what I want you to do!" followed by a series of schematics so I don't have any excuse to screw things up.
That doesn't happen though. I mean it must happen this way for a reason, but I honestly don't trust myself to be mature right now. I get set off so easily when I open myself up. I'm just looking for an excuse to close myself off again, but if my inner heart tells me to stay open just a little longer, I'll endure this immense pain and stay open a little longer.
Peace and love.
The manly thing to do (or at least as culture dictates) would be to stand up, put a stern face on, turn, and walk away. You have to be cold and not want it if you ever want it at all. And I want to be cold and walk away so badly, I really do. I know I could too because I've done it several times before, but something keeps on holding me back and I can't identify what it is yet.
I erased what I had originally written because it was a physical response to a heart situation, and the body can't be trusted to interoperate the things of the heart. I saved it though. I want to look at it again later when I have spent more time being quiet and listening and praying.
Have you ever prayed to God as if He was someone who you knew didn't like answering you about certain things, but you're still looking for approval from? You try and set up a trap for them by saying "If you don't tell me that I'm wrong, I'm going to take that as a go-ahead." I do that sometimes, like tonight for instance. I pray about this part of my life all of the time, but most of the time I hear silence. I want something sharp, like lightening, to just pour into the room and write a command on the wall that I can understand. Sometimes I feel like God only likes to speak in cryptic riddles. I'm a simple person though. I don't get riddles very easily. I just want to be grabbed by the face, having it shaken, and told, "THIS is what I want you to do!" followed by a series of schematics so I don't have any excuse to screw things up.
That doesn't happen though. I mean it must happen this way for a reason, but I honestly don't trust myself to be mature right now. I get set off so easily when I open myself up. I'm just looking for an excuse to close myself off again, but if my inner heart tells me to stay open just a little longer, I'll endure this immense pain and stay open a little longer.
Peace and love.
Monday, January 22, 2007
I Already Thought I was Going Fast as it Was
I'm scared to death right now. I feel like I shouldn't be, but I am. I can place it too, right on the nose. I'm afraid of what it is that I'm being called too. I'm afraid of leaving, and what's more, I'm afraid of winding up alone. But I won't stop in the face of fear. I'll jump off, even though it might hurt for a while. I just really feel like there's one last thing I need confirmation on before I leave that would determine if this is indeed my calling. It seems like such a complex ordeal to me, but it's not. I know it's not. It's just when you find something you really like and time becomes vital, well, it's enough to worry anyone. Sometimes you feel like what you want is what is best for you, but situations like this will set clear definitions of truth, and every time I have been here in this position before, what I have wanted has proven faulty. This is one of the hardest areas of my life to have faith in. I have no foresight or patience here, or any kind of plan that I have confidence in.
Having said that, I must be in the perfect state to have God do something amazing because I am now completely helpless. I'm going to be praying for peace, wisdom, and deliverance.
In conclusion,
"If I were to speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I had the gift of prophecy and could fathom all mystery and all knowledge, and if I had a faith that could move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I gave all of my possesions to the poor and surrendered my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease. Where there are tongues, they will be silenced. Where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part, and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.
Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror, then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part, then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love."
That's the chapter I have been memorizing all week. It's I Corinthians chapter 13, and I apologize if it's not spot on. I'm pretty sure it's close though. I just see so much reflection in that chapter as to what has been happening in my life and in my heart this past week. If I could only tell you fully.
Oh, by the way, if you want to hear the sermons from my pastor at my church (they are amazing), then I'll tell you how. First you need Itunes, which is a free download if you don't already have it on your computer. Once you open Itunes, go to "Store" in the menu section, and from there select "Podcast". After that just enter in a search for "Midtown Fellowship" and then you'll find it. Subscribe, download, listen. It's a great sermon.
Peace and love.
Having said that, I must be in the perfect state to have God do something amazing because I am now completely helpless. I'm going to be praying for peace, wisdom, and deliverance.
In conclusion,
"If I were to speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I had the gift of prophecy and could fathom all mystery and all knowledge, and if I had a faith that could move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I gave all of my possesions to the poor and surrendered my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease. Where there are tongues, they will be silenced. Where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part, and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.
Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror, then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part, then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love."
That's the chapter I have been memorizing all week. It's I Corinthians chapter 13, and I apologize if it's not spot on. I'm pretty sure it's close though. I just see so much reflection in that chapter as to what has been happening in my life and in my heart this past week. If I could only tell you fully.
Oh, by the way, if you want to hear the sermons from my pastor at my church (they are amazing), then I'll tell you how. First you need Itunes, which is a free download if you don't already have it on your computer. Once you open Itunes, go to "Store" in the menu section, and from there select "Podcast". After that just enter in a search for "Midtown Fellowship" and then you'll find it. Subscribe, download, listen. It's a great sermon.
Peace and love.
Saturday, January 20, 2007
Highlights
What a great day. I enjoyed today. The sun was out and everything was perfect. Natalie even came over and taught me how to patch my pants. I can't afford to buy new ones so that's an awesome thing to know which means she's awesome. I also did a lot of home making. Good times and a clean house.
My last few journals have been pretty short. I wonder why that is? I mean, I've had a lot on my mind, but I haven't felt the necessity to write it down. I'm not really stressed out or anything. I don't know, maybe I'm just lazy.
I'll give you the rundown of the highlights of the week... errr since I last posted (which I think is Wednesday).
- Tim, Karl, and Paul came to visit me on their way back to NC from picking up Paul from bootcamp
- My wallet was found and returned to me
- The sun finally came out for a good while
- I've been watching Rocky movies
- Natalie taught me how to sew my pants
- Had lots of good hang out time with friends
I guess the rest is unmentionable as of now. I hope to, this week, start looking at possible job opportunities in the area for when I graduate. I also would like to get back into the gym regularly, or atleast some sort of archaic form of exercise (maybe just push-ups, running, and sit-ups). I just feel like I don't have as much energy as I should and I think part of that might have to do with my current state of unathleticism.
By the looks of the weather, I don' t think we'll be able to play frisbee tomorrow afternoon. It'll be raining (not snowing). I would much rather it snow, but I suppose it's all for the best. If it did snow, I would be very unmotivated to do much of anything. I also really hope that it doesn't any time this week because I made a bold wager to a friend that if it did snow I would take a handfull of it and shove it down my pants.
...
Wow, I just wrote this really long ending to my journal. It was the kind of writing that convicted me as I kept typing and reading back over it. I finished it and looked over it and it rocked my world, but it was as if God whispered in my ear "That's just for you and no one else." I felt compelled to erase it, but I've got a lot to think about now. Having said that, I'm out. Peace and love.
My last few journals have been pretty short. I wonder why that is? I mean, I've had a lot on my mind, but I haven't felt the necessity to write it down. I'm not really stressed out or anything. I don't know, maybe I'm just lazy.
I'll give you the rundown of the highlights of the week... errr since I last posted (which I think is Wednesday).
- Tim, Karl, and Paul came to visit me on their way back to NC from picking up Paul from bootcamp
- My wallet was found and returned to me
- The sun finally came out for a good while
- I've been watching Rocky movies
- Natalie taught me how to sew my pants
- Had lots of good hang out time with friends
I guess the rest is unmentionable as of now. I hope to, this week, start looking at possible job opportunities in the area for when I graduate. I also would like to get back into the gym regularly, or atleast some sort of archaic form of exercise (maybe just push-ups, running, and sit-ups). I just feel like I don't have as much energy as I should and I think part of that might have to do with my current state of unathleticism.
By the looks of the weather, I don' t think we'll be able to play frisbee tomorrow afternoon. It'll be raining (not snowing). I would much rather it snow, but I suppose it's all for the best. If it did snow, I would be very unmotivated to do much of anything. I also really hope that it doesn't any time this week because I made a bold wager to a friend that if it did snow I would take a handfull of it and shove it down my pants.
...
Wow, I just wrote this really long ending to my journal. It was the kind of writing that convicted me as I kept typing and reading back over it. I finished it and looked over it and it rocked my world, but it was as if God whispered in my ear "That's just for you and no one else." I felt compelled to erase it, but I've got a lot to think about now. Having said that, I'm out. Peace and love.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
I'm Hungry, short journal.
Matt and I went to a Gnarls Barkley and Red Hot Chilli Peppers concert tonight. He was going to take Catherine, but she had a meeting that she couldn't get out of so I took her spot. I don't smell as good, but whatever, he had to live with it. It was a good concert though and it was nice to do something different.
I'm starting to feel more at peace about the things to come. I don't know exactly how anything will be playing out fore the next while, but all of my worries are starting to simmer down and I'm gaining focus again. I just need to be humble.
Peace and love.
I'm starting to feel more at peace about the things to come. I don't know exactly how anything will be playing out fore the next while, but all of my worries are starting to simmer down and I'm gaining focus again. I just need to be humble.
Peace and love.
Strength for Patience
I've got a slightly nasty cough right now. It's the hacking kind, but I'm going to make it.
Cold has come again, and the house feels of it. I have to go back to wearing bundled cloths and huddling next to my space heater at night to try and stay warm. It's fine though. I sorta like it this way. It seems to me that my fondest memories have never formed around complete comfort.
I also wanted to give some sort of positive update on today. It was helpful to get out of the house and get my mind off of things for a while. Nothing quite does it like sitting through lectures on music publishing or working the desk on campus. Going to the meeting was good too, getting to talk to all of the guys and hear about what's been going on in their lives.
It reminds me that I have to stay strong not for myself but for the people around me. I can't allow myself to become stagnant or the people who depend on me will faulter. God knows I hate being stagnant. I just want something to happen. I want a sign, an "ok" to move forward or to turn back. I just want something that, beyond a shadow of a doubt, gives me some sort of motivation to make the right decision. I hate sitting in this limbo with just my thoughts and a lot of conflicting advice.
I'll be strong about it though. I have to be because I've come too far to curl up and be a little kid again. Besides, what was it I said about comfort earlier? I'm going to continue to wait and wait patiently for as long as I can stand. I feel confident in the Lord's promise to not test me beyond that point.
Peace and love.
Cold has come again, and the house feels of it. I have to go back to wearing bundled cloths and huddling next to my space heater at night to try and stay warm. It's fine though. I sorta like it this way. It seems to me that my fondest memories have never formed around complete comfort.
I also wanted to give some sort of positive update on today. It was helpful to get out of the house and get my mind off of things for a while. Nothing quite does it like sitting through lectures on music publishing or working the desk on campus. Going to the meeting was good too, getting to talk to all of the guys and hear about what's been going on in their lives.
It reminds me that I have to stay strong not for myself but for the people around me. I can't allow myself to become stagnant or the people who depend on me will faulter. God knows I hate being stagnant. I just want something to happen. I want a sign, an "ok" to move forward or to turn back. I just want something that, beyond a shadow of a doubt, gives me some sort of motivation to make the right decision. I hate sitting in this limbo with just my thoughts and a lot of conflicting advice.
I'll be strong about it though. I have to be because I've come too far to curl up and be a little kid again. Besides, what was it I said about comfort earlier? I'm going to continue to wait and wait patiently for as long as I can stand. I feel confident in the Lord's promise to not test me beyond that point.
Peace and love.
Monday, January 15, 2007
Maybe I Have Rabies (at least then I'd have an excuse)
I try really hard to not let this journal turn into a means for complaint and discontent. It does help to spill out stress onto a page every once-in-a-while, but when that becomes the sole motivating force of expression it evolves into a cycle, feeding itself so that it can be sustained. Life is pretty cloudy right now though. It has been for a few days and I'm trying so hard to defeat my flesh and put off my natural tendencies of dealing with this adversity, but I'm a thickheaded hard case. The semester hasn't even started yet and I feel so defeated, but not by school. I'm sinking into my comfort groove. I'm about to close up and turn on the autopilot because it's easy when my actions are based upon the success or failure of business. When I remove all of the emotional aspects in a situation I can make really hard decisions and not feel a thing. Right now I'm feeling everything and it's driving me crazy. I feel like I've become too lax because I've made myself vulnerable. And I keep asking myself "Why, why did I do that again?"
But this is not what I want at all. It's a selfish, self-preserving reaction that costs the people around me everything and me nothing. I just don't know sometimes. I feel like I've grown up and have learned from the past well enough to not have to go through this again, but for some reason this never gets easier. There are just parts about my being that are not tame at all. For example, my wallet was stolen yesterday and I saw the high school punks that did it. They were in a group of six and so was I. Viking, Matt, and I go and play pickup ultimate frisbee almost every Sunday at this football field a few blocks away from our house, but this Sunday we were interrupted. They came and started hanging around our stuff and I got this funny feeling to go and take a break to check on my pile of crap and sure enough, my wallet was gone. I confronted them about it and one of them, their ringleader, started cussing me out and all that crap that I remember high schoolers do. I suppressed what I wanted to do and let him talk. He threatened to fight me and all of his friends got really nervous at his invitation, after all, we were huge compared to them. I wanted to so bad though. I wanted to call him out of his comfort zone and beat his ass in front of his friends and take my wallet back. I wanted to because I knew I could and that if I had control over the situation I would make sure that he and who ever else wanted to tangle would be very very sorry. I would do the job that his parents obviously were not.
Where does that come from? That's not who I am at all, but yet, given the correct circumstance, it's a real internal problem that I have to be aware of and pray for deliverance from. What hurt worse was that the sermon at church in the morning, just a few hours prior, was about love. My thoughts of violence have been making me feel really short in retrospect. I know what I ended up doing was the right thing. They were just kids and it was just a wallet. It was an inconvenience and they still have time to grow and learn. But I didn't have that satisfaction that one would hope to receive after righteous action.
I don't know, hopefully someone positive will step into their lives and influence and nurture them where they have been so harshly wounded as to behave that way. But as for me, I felt incapable, and my Grace is greater than that.
----------------
And that's all I'll reveal about this funk I've fallen into. Everything else is a little more "light sensitive" if you will. I know I'm supposed to learn from all of this, but that's a pretty tough thing to do. I guess we'll just see what happens this week.
Peace and love.
But this is not what I want at all. It's a selfish, self-preserving reaction that costs the people around me everything and me nothing. I just don't know sometimes. I feel like I've grown up and have learned from the past well enough to not have to go through this again, but for some reason this never gets easier. There are just parts about my being that are not tame at all. For example, my wallet was stolen yesterday and I saw the high school punks that did it. They were in a group of six and so was I. Viking, Matt, and I go and play pickup ultimate frisbee almost every Sunday at this football field a few blocks away from our house, but this Sunday we were interrupted. They came and started hanging around our stuff and I got this funny feeling to go and take a break to check on my pile of crap and sure enough, my wallet was gone. I confronted them about it and one of them, their ringleader, started cussing me out and all that crap that I remember high schoolers do. I suppressed what I wanted to do and let him talk. He threatened to fight me and all of his friends got really nervous at his invitation, after all, we were huge compared to them. I wanted to so bad though. I wanted to call him out of his comfort zone and beat his ass in front of his friends and take my wallet back. I wanted to because I knew I could and that if I had control over the situation I would make sure that he and who ever else wanted to tangle would be very very sorry. I would do the job that his parents obviously were not.
Where does that come from? That's not who I am at all, but yet, given the correct circumstance, it's a real internal problem that I have to be aware of and pray for deliverance from. What hurt worse was that the sermon at church in the morning, just a few hours prior, was about love. My thoughts of violence have been making me feel really short in retrospect. I know what I ended up doing was the right thing. They were just kids and it was just a wallet. It was an inconvenience and they still have time to grow and learn. But I didn't have that satisfaction that one would hope to receive after righteous action.
I don't know, hopefully someone positive will step into their lives and influence and nurture them where they have been so harshly wounded as to behave that way. But as for me, I felt incapable, and my Grace is greater than that.
----------------
And that's all I'll reveal about this funk I've fallen into. Everything else is a little more "light sensitive" if you will. I know I'm supposed to learn from all of this, but that's a pretty tough thing to do. I guess we'll just see what happens this week.
Peace and love.
Sunday, January 14, 2007
Thinking too Much
Sometimes I think too much, and it makes me feel crummy. Let me just stop while I have the chance.
Saturday, January 13, 2007
Spinning
My head has been spinning lately. Something has me thrown WAY off of normal, and it's really wearin me out. I've been a lot more tired than usual and I've been getting plenty of sleep and eating as right as I usually do (not THAT healthy, but still... average). Usually a quick solution to this problem would be chopping wood or riding a bike or mowing the lawn or something. Here's the problem with that. It's winter so the grass is dead, there is no wood to be chopped, and when I tried to ride my bike, it started raining. I did have the pleasure of talking to a friend about it though. I needed some straight up insight from someone who I knew would tell it to me like it is. I feel like sometimes things are much more complicated than they really need to be, but sometimes you just can't do anything about it. Sometimes nobody can really do anything about it. Idealistically this world would be simple and drawn out... I take that back. I guess my mind isn't really in the right place. If everything were simple and drawn out there would be no excitement or mystery or any of those things that keep us moving in the day. I sometimes get greedy and want to know the things that I shouldn't know. I need to just let go and let the Spirit move me.
Peace and love.
Peace and love.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Not Much to Write About
This is going to be one of those journals where I'm not quite sure what to say so I'm just going to write and see what comes out. I just got back inside from sitting around the fire with the guys. I've missed the fire, though I did have a few with Karl over break. I smell like it right now too. I love that smell.
I'm starting back at work tomorrow for the first time after a long time. I don't know how it's going to go becuase I'm so out of practice, but that is one area of my life where I need to try and stay as positive as possible. If I can't work joyfully for the rest of the semester I'll never make it.
I'm feeling pretty hungry right now, but I've already had a lot to eat today... hmmm...
Class continues tomorrow which is somewhat exciting to me. I want to see how my professor will be teaching. I'm talking about my two physics classes which are in the same room with the same prof. He seems really attentive to what we are trying to learn, and he's showing great effort that he is trying to make our time there as effective as possible. He even came with us to sit in on our studio maintenance course to see what we are being taught so that he could get a good feel on what he should teach us as far as electronics go. Pretty groovy.
Wow, I really don't have anything to say. The stuff I've been wrestling with in my mind lately hasn't really worked its way into public domain yet, but who knows. I feel fine with not saying much right now though. It's peaceful.
Peace and love.
I'm starting back at work tomorrow for the first time after a long time. I don't know how it's going to go becuase I'm so out of practice, but that is one area of my life where I need to try and stay as positive as possible. If I can't work joyfully for the rest of the semester I'll never make it.
I'm feeling pretty hungry right now, but I've already had a lot to eat today... hmmm...
Class continues tomorrow which is somewhat exciting to me. I want to see how my professor will be teaching. I'm talking about my two physics classes which are in the same room with the same prof. He seems really attentive to what we are trying to learn, and he's showing great effort that he is trying to make our time there as effective as possible. He even came with us to sit in on our studio maintenance course to see what we are being taught so that he could get a good feel on what he should teach us as far as electronics go. Pretty groovy.
Wow, I really don't have anything to say. The stuff I've been wrestling with in my mind lately hasn't really worked its way into public domain yet, but who knows. I feel fine with not saying much right now though. It's peaceful.
Peace and love.
Muzik
I've finally included a link to my new music website on the side bar to your right. I can only have four songs at a time readily available, but I will probably rotate them out according to popularity.
Wearing a Smile
I was happy today, genuinely happy for the first time in a long time. Classes started and they were great. My professors are all great. I scheduled at work for the semester and I think it's really going to work out for the best. I can't explain why it is that I feel these sudden bursts of happiness, but I wish I had them more often. Things look so much more beautiful when you're wearing a smile and the sun is warm even if the air is not. I'm still really confused right now, but the difference is that I'm more hopeful of what might happen. Sometimes I really hate being a realist. It's not seeing things white and not seing things in black, but seing everything in grey. Right now, seeing things in white is nice. I'm probably making you sick with all of the happy talk though, but I do wish to get specific about a few things. First off, I had great news today when I went to see my advisor. I don't have to take calculus again! That means I'll never have to take another math class again ever! That's the best news I've had in a long time. More good feelings came from running into people I haven't seen in a while and even more came when I met a guy that goes to my church and who I also work with who said he might be able to get me a road gig with a band when I graduate. That would be perfect for me, but we'll take things one step at a time. The final things that really just made me super happy today was seeing my friends, the ones that are falling for eachother. I left the appartment early so they could say goodnight and I saw them in the livingroom just hugging eachother. It was a beautiful image, and I know it sounds weird, but it made me feel good. I'm going to bed now though. I get to sleep in too. What a day. Peace and love.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Soft and Loud Fears
I'm here and I'm getting settled in. When I got back I ended up driving around town a little bit with Catherine and Matt trying to find some food and I saw things that sparked my memory. It made me feel weird, like something in me was vastly different from the last time I saw those places and things. At the house, things were pretty messy. That's how I left it at least, so I started cleaning and thinking like I usually do. I'm trying to get ready for this future that's about to hit me in the face. I don't want to cringe or frown or anything, I just want to take it with a smile.
My fears are pretty large right now and I share them with the world for no good reason. My smaller fears consist of how tough this semester will be and how I will juggle work and school while maintaining some sense of sanity. I worry about money, even though I know God has always taken care of me. I don't know why I still worry about that. My larger fears are what I actually spend time wrestling with though. I mean the small fears come and go. They merely make me stop and take a second look at a situation before moving in. My larger fears can sometimes alter the course of my life and the lives of the people around me. I don't fear death, and I don't fear public speaking. I heard somewhere that those are the two greatest fears among human beings. Public speaking? Where did that come from? I'll tell you what I fear. I fear that large ticking clock. I fear that when time runs out I will have not followed my convictions, that I will have settled for something less and that I will be just another guy who made little or no difference at all. I fear that what I might choose to do within the next few months will determine that. I also fear that if I do follow my heart and my convictions that I will never be loved the way I've always wanted to be loved. I always hopingly tell myself that it will be a special woman who can settle in with me, but sometimes I wounder if such a woman could exist. But I fear these things because life seems shorter and more limited to me today than it did last year. I also fear these things because I am young. What will my fears consist of in 30 years I wounder?
These are the kinds of thoughts that I will try to balance along with my responsibilities which are about to kick in at overdrive at the break of dawn tomorrow. Classes are firing up and I'm still feeling eaten alive by senioritis. I hope I can find some motivation, something interesting to focus my learning on that actually consists of class material. It could happen. It has before.
I wanted to thank the anonymous commentor on my last journal though, before I head to bed. That Psalm is a wonderful reminder that if I remain faithful, my seemingly large worries will become smaller and fade away as they are either simply removed or worked out. My life has purpose and perhaps it is not quite the day that I should find what that purpose is, but that day is coming. Peace and love.
My fears are pretty large right now and I share them with the world for no good reason. My smaller fears consist of how tough this semester will be and how I will juggle work and school while maintaining some sense of sanity. I worry about money, even though I know God has always taken care of me. I don't know why I still worry about that. My larger fears are what I actually spend time wrestling with though. I mean the small fears come and go. They merely make me stop and take a second look at a situation before moving in. My larger fears can sometimes alter the course of my life and the lives of the people around me. I don't fear death, and I don't fear public speaking. I heard somewhere that those are the two greatest fears among human beings. Public speaking? Where did that come from? I'll tell you what I fear. I fear that large ticking clock. I fear that when time runs out I will have not followed my convictions, that I will have settled for something less and that I will be just another guy who made little or no difference at all. I fear that what I might choose to do within the next few months will determine that. I also fear that if I do follow my heart and my convictions that I will never be loved the way I've always wanted to be loved. I always hopingly tell myself that it will be a special woman who can settle in with me, but sometimes I wounder if such a woman could exist. But I fear these things because life seems shorter and more limited to me today than it did last year. I also fear these things because I am young. What will my fears consist of in 30 years I wounder?
These are the kinds of thoughts that I will try to balance along with my responsibilities which are about to kick in at overdrive at the break of dawn tomorrow. Classes are firing up and I'm still feeling eaten alive by senioritis. I hope I can find some motivation, something interesting to focus my learning on that actually consists of class material. It could happen. It has before.
I wanted to thank the anonymous commentor on my last journal though, before I head to bed. That Psalm is a wonderful reminder that if I remain faithful, my seemingly large worries will become smaller and fade away as they are either simply removed or worked out. My life has purpose and perhaps it is not quite the day that I should find what that purpose is, but that day is coming. Peace and love.
Monday, January 08, 2007
Last Day Away
I'm going back to Nashville tomorrow for the new beginning of a new semester filled with new challenges. Right now, however, I'm in South Carolina at Matt's house with his family and also Catherine. We've been here for a few days mostly working on music in preperation for today. We lead worship in the morning service and did a rock show tonight. I gotta say, it was great fun. I love playing with a full band of people who understand and also are passionate about music. We clicked really well and everything went better than planned.
It's go time though. There's no joking around this semester. I have so many decisions to make and so much to get done. There is potential for great success or great disappointment and it's really all up to mindset as to which one dominates my life. I have to decide what I'm going to do, where I'm going to go, and why, all before July. Will I get a good job? Will I stay in Nashville or move? If I do move, where to? What is my motivation for any of this? Is it the right motivation? A lot of personal questions sort of latch on to this whole train of thought too. I was talking to Andy about it and the trick is you have to look at the moment as a passing circumstance rather than a stationary cage. Sometimes I get so caught up in the moment that I forget where I'm going and why. It just all seems so bleak and stagnant.
I sorta feel alone though. I guess it's a door that I have to walk through alone. I'm trying to make such rough decisions and I keep getting met with discouragement after discouragement meeting very few allies on the way. I have my friends, but they're going through the same transitions. Everyone else who cares about me only sees me from a distance. That's not really their fault, and I guess it hurts both of us because in that lies a rift in understanding. I guess I'm being difficult too. Sometimes I just don't want anyone's help. Sometimes I'm afraid they'll lord it over me later on. It feels a lot like using a credit card to me. Some people don't mind the monthly bills and constant mental reminders that they owe someone else money, but it really bothers me.
Things will get brighter someday though. I can't even say that things are not bright now. There are lots of good things going on in my life, but I live in several different layers. The top layer is social, which has been great for a long time. The middle is life goals which seems deathly grey right now, and the third layer is spiritual. Though it might be cloudy, I am familiar with the trends of my spiritual life. These clouds always beset growth and warmth.
So let's start it off. Everything is going to pick up momentum and speed very quickly and the semester will pass with a blink, but where will I be in a year? I'm still confident that it will all unfold soon.
Peace and love.
It's go time though. There's no joking around this semester. I have so many decisions to make and so much to get done. There is potential for great success or great disappointment and it's really all up to mindset as to which one dominates my life. I have to decide what I'm going to do, where I'm going to go, and why, all before July. Will I get a good job? Will I stay in Nashville or move? If I do move, where to? What is my motivation for any of this? Is it the right motivation? A lot of personal questions sort of latch on to this whole train of thought too. I was talking to Andy about it and the trick is you have to look at the moment as a passing circumstance rather than a stationary cage. Sometimes I get so caught up in the moment that I forget where I'm going and why. It just all seems so bleak and stagnant.
I sorta feel alone though. I guess it's a door that I have to walk through alone. I'm trying to make such rough decisions and I keep getting met with discouragement after discouragement meeting very few allies on the way. I have my friends, but they're going through the same transitions. Everyone else who cares about me only sees me from a distance. That's not really their fault, and I guess it hurts both of us because in that lies a rift in understanding. I guess I'm being difficult too. Sometimes I just don't want anyone's help. Sometimes I'm afraid they'll lord it over me later on. It feels a lot like using a credit card to me. Some people don't mind the monthly bills and constant mental reminders that they owe someone else money, but it really bothers me.
Things will get brighter someday though. I can't even say that things are not bright now. There are lots of good things going on in my life, but I live in several different layers. The top layer is social, which has been great for a long time. The middle is life goals which seems deathly grey right now, and the third layer is spiritual. Though it might be cloudy, I am familiar with the trends of my spiritual life. These clouds always beset growth and warmth.
So let's start it off. Everything is going to pick up momentum and speed very quickly and the semester will pass with a blink, but where will I be in a year? I'm still confident that it will all unfold soon.
Peace and love.
Thursday, January 04, 2007
Good Friends in Rough Times
I'm learning more and more the importance of reliance on friends as opposed to toating the weight of the world upon my own shoulders. There's nothing quite like a good friend to back you up when you hit hard times or tough decisions. These people, these good friends, must know you well enough to give you solid advice, and it is important that they be of a diverse background. If you had several friends who were just like you, you wouldn't have... well, let's just say it would look more like a dictatorship rather than a democracy. I have good friends though, good and diverse. I've been blessed with that. But I haven't always completely relied on then in the face of my personal adversities. Maybe at points I was so conceited as to believe that no one else would understand, so why give them the chance. Other times I might have felt that they weren't strong enough or wise enough to give me counsil, yet other times I might feel like my asking for help would be too much of a burdon.
Screw that.
If a friend exists in the rhelm of selfless love with you, then they are capable of being tremendous allies in the face of your weaknesses. If you don't know how to socially interact with someone enough to where you can ask for help, then you need to learn. I suffer from that disease. It's pride at its finest. Outward love and self-pride cannot coexist, and by that I mean that you will never have meaningful relationships until you can humble yourself into letting others carry your load and vise-versa.
That's my soap box for the day.
I was mostly spending the day painting window lats for the new windows my parents are installing in their house. I forgot how tedious painting can be. I worked for a long time (didn't really look at a clock) and I only painted about 6 lats. I've got eight more to go, but fortunately they are a good deal smaller than the ones I was working on today. It was good work though. I got to think and when I'm engaged in that kind of work I think pretty clearly. It's a great outlet in that sense. Right now I'm stuck in a familiar place. My desires and my logic disagree with each other and I've been going insane trying to make the right decisions. That's why I wanted to talk about good friends. They are important to have because on days like today I can call them up and they can honestly and straight forward tell me what it is that I might need to consider doing. They don't just try to make me feel comfortable all the time. Those kinds of people are great, but a good friend will see you in your entirity, not just as a nice person to be around, but also as a person proned to fall. And when you do fall, they don't laugh at you while you scramble to get up, instead, they walk behind you and keep a steady eye on you to make sure that you don't fall. Good friends.
Peace and love.
Screw that.
If a friend exists in the rhelm of selfless love with you, then they are capable of being tremendous allies in the face of your weaknesses. If you don't know how to socially interact with someone enough to where you can ask for help, then you need to learn. I suffer from that disease. It's pride at its finest. Outward love and self-pride cannot coexist, and by that I mean that you will never have meaningful relationships until you can humble yourself into letting others carry your load and vise-versa.
That's my soap box for the day.
I was mostly spending the day painting window lats for the new windows my parents are installing in their house. I forgot how tedious painting can be. I worked for a long time (didn't really look at a clock) and I only painted about 6 lats. I've got eight more to go, but fortunately they are a good deal smaller than the ones I was working on today. It was good work though. I got to think and when I'm engaged in that kind of work I think pretty clearly. It's a great outlet in that sense. Right now I'm stuck in a familiar place. My desires and my logic disagree with each other and I've been going insane trying to make the right decisions. That's why I wanted to talk about good friends. They are important to have because on days like today I can call them up and they can honestly and straight forward tell me what it is that I might need to consider doing. They don't just try to make me feel comfortable all the time. Those kinds of people are great, but a good friend will see you in your entirity, not just as a nice person to be around, but also as a person proned to fall. And when you do fall, they don't laugh at you while you scramble to get up, instead, they walk behind you and keep a steady eye on you to make sure that you don't fall. Good friends.
Peace and love.
Monday, January 01, 2007
Urbana 06
Well, it's been just about a week since I last posted. That's a bit draining to stop and think about. The time has flown by but there has been so much that has happened in such a short period. Tuesday several college students at my church, my parents, and I loaded up in a van to go to St. Louis for Urbana 06. For those that don't know, it's a world wide mission conferrence that is held every three years to meet the needs of missionaries and of the world. In all, there were 22,000 of us and it was impressive to say the least, sitting in the Rams Dome at the America's Center and having it full of college students from all over the world. We went to seminars and listened to sermons and worshiped in different languages for five days. It was intense, more so emotionally than physically. I don't get overwhelmed to tears, but instead I just get tired. I was tired every day all the time. We heard mostly about the aids pandemic in Africa and the United States. We listened to different speakers including a princess and Bono discuss different ways in which we could help.
I don't like it, though, that I can't feel emotions the same way as most everyone else. It makes me feel disconected. It makes me feel like maybe I'm missing something. I just can't get personal with 22,000 people. Thankfully I had several friends on the trip I could talk to. As one of the speakers who inspired me most, Shane Clayborn, said "It's refreshing to be around Christians who think."
As far as my calling goes, I'm still not sure, though I feel my path is a little more clear. Having a clear path is different than knowing your calling obviously because a calling is a destination while a path is how you get there. I've written several times before that perhaps it is best that I do not know my calling yet. Certainly it makes decisions a bit more difficult to make (perhaps driving me to rely more on God to make them) and maybe it will even hurt my relationships. After all, I don't know too many girls who would want to get invovled with a guy who isn't sure where he's going. But I still believe firmly that a plan is something a man makes to help himself sleep at night. It is all up to God as to whether or not his plans even unfold. Besides, the mystery is half the fun if you allow it to actually be a mystery instead of insisting that it be a misery.
I've got a great deal to think about right now. Oh, I do have a funny story real quick though. I was in the hot tub at the hotel and was talking to this lady and she asked how old I was and I said "22". She looked at me inquisitively and I already knew what she was thinking. After all, when I get carded for buying a beer, people always check to see if my ID is a fake. She, on the other hand, looked confused and said "You seem a lot older than 22! ... ... at least you talk like you're a lot older." I know it's kinda stupid, but for someone who has spent their entire life looking three or four years younger than they actually are, that's a compliment.
Peace and love.
I don't like it, though, that I can't feel emotions the same way as most everyone else. It makes me feel disconected. It makes me feel like maybe I'm missing something. I just can't get personal with 22,000 people. Thankfully I had several friends on the trip I could talk to. As one of the speakers who inspired me most, Shane Clayborn, said "It's refreshing to be around Christians who think."
As far as my calling goes, I'm still not sure, though I feel my path is a little more clear. Having a clear path is different than knowing your calling obviously because a calling is a destination while a path is how you get there. I've written several times before that perhaps it is best that I do not know my calling yet. Certainly it makes decisions a bit more difficult to make (perhaps driving me to rely more on God to make them) and maybe it will even hurt my relationships. After all, I don't know too many girls who would want to get invovled with a guy who isn't sure where he's going. But I still believe firmly that a plan is something a man makes to help himself sleep at night. It is all up to God as to whether or not his plans even unfold. Besides, the mystery is half the fun if you allow it to actually be a mystery instead of insisting that it be a misery.
I've got a great deal to think about right now. Oh, I do have a funny story real quick though. I was in the hot tub at the hotel and was talking to this lady and she asked how old I was and I said "22". She looked at me inquisitively and I already knew what she was thinking. After all, when I get carded for buying a beer, people always check to see if my ID is a fake. She, on the other hand, looked confused and said "You seem a lot older than 22! ... ... at least you talk like you're a lot older." I know it's kinda stupid, but for someone who has spent their entire life looking three or four years younger than they actually are, that's a compliment.
Peace and love.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
