Last night was Natalie's birthday, so Matt and I attended a surprise skating party for her. It was really a lot of fun. I hadn't been skating in about 6 years as had most of us there, but it was almost more fun just flopping around than actually being "good".Sorry about the kissy face. I was caught off guard and... well... kissy face. I realize now that it looks as if I have an uncontrollable attraction to Matt... but I assure you. This is not the case.
But anyways, after that we came back to the house and sat around the fire and told stories. I really like that group of folks.
Arg, but so much has been on my mind lately and I've really been praying hard for answers and/or strength. I have come to know myself quite well these past four years, and I understand how it is that I respond in certain situations. Take work for example. My boss tried to lay a huge guilt trip on me about not being around for the holidays, so my first and longest lasting response to that was, of course, guilt coupled with anger which then flowed into a new thought process of ideas of glorified action. Maybe I would quit and find a new job just to make a statement. All of my rationality just goes right out the window.
I'm going to be honest and to the point though. I know that healthily loving yourself is important, but my emotional side is a side of me that I really find hard to embrace. On the up side, everything seems so beautiful to me, and I appreciate beauty. On the down side, I feel that I am largely missunderstood and that I make people who don't know me very well uncomfortable when they are around me. I feel like people always think that I'm up to something. I was talking to a girl about that a few weeks ago. And by the way, I really appreciate anyone who tolerates the lack of small talk that is so prevelent in my desired conversation. Most people, again, get really uncomfortable when I start talking about the real things that are on my mind. But anyways, this girl really didn't see it. She said she has always trusted me. I thought about that for a while, and I have realized that trust is one of my most valued attributes in any kind of relationship. Trusting someone, even if they don't necessarily deserve it, is one of the loudest ways by which you can communicate heavenly love.
Wow, I'm sitting here just barely hanging on. I'm rubbing my eyes because they are well aware that it is indeed 2 in the morning and that this is indeed the third night I've stayed up this late. My eyes know the truth, but my fingers are trying to convince them otherwise.
So I guess to close I would say that this week I have learned why trust is so desireable and valuable. I've learned that after supressing my emotions for so many years of my life, it is only natural that I'm going to suffer through a few awkward spells as I learn discipline in that area. I've also built upon the understanding that having girls as friends is a really good idea. They bring so much more color to the table than that of just guys.
Here's to the awkward stages of life that teach us and make us better men and women. May we consistently find new inspirations and understandings to ensure our progress to become fully alive in God's design, and may we have good friends to walk along side us as we go.
Peace and love.
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