Create

Well, the week is about to start again. I know I only have two days to work through, but I always struggle with the last few days before a break. I left so much on my plate, and I know it's going to kill me as soon as I get back, but I accepted that fate when I started this semester. I always put things off until the last minute, suffer immensly for two weeks, and then put it all behind me for Christmas break.

Lately I've been in a really artistic mood. I've been wanting to either create or solve something. I wrote a new song last Thursday night and recorded it. I'm really happy with it, though no one else seems to like it. I've accepted that about Nashville though. No one here is really touched or impressed by music unless (and even then, rarely) it has some big name tagged onto it. I'm finding that I'm less and less discouraged by that. I'm returning to a place where I don't need the approval of others to write. That, in all honesty, has been my biggest writer's block for the past few years. At home it is easy to wow someone with a song, but here it isn't. So the trick is that you have to put everyone else out of the picture and write songs that have meaning to you.
That's what this one is like. It's called "My Desert Valley" and it's about a small patch of dirt I found in Guatemala that I used to go to at night when everyone else was going out for some R&R. I would take my guitar and just sit and play and sing for as long as I could without being interrupted. That was musical purity, or at least, what I know as musical purity. That was a time when I didn't play to impress. I played because it brought peace to my soul. Now it seems that I don't have time to play, and when I do, I'm just trying to fill a quota.

I hit it today though. I found that place that music used to take me to. I was recording an old song I wrote just for exercise when all of the sudden I completely forgot that I was recording. My eyes were half shut and I wasn't even in the room anymore. I was inside the song (as weird as that sounds).

Today I also received an answer to prayer in a weird kind of way. If you read my yesterday journal, I was talking about how I'm sorta confused right now about how I feel and about what my attention is supposed to be on. I was praying for an answer or strenght. Today I was talking to my pastor, Randy, and I didn't even tell him what I was struggling with specifically. He told me that sometimes we pray for answers but God doesn't give them to us. Instead, He wants us to want Him more than the answers. That's what I needed to hear. Now I need the strength for patience.

But I'm narrowing down my reasons for meloncholy as of late. I know that I have all of these projects due and exams coming up, not to mention work related stresses, but what's really been getting to me is lack of communication. I think I might be lonely. It's not that I lack enjoyable company. I have great friends. It's just that right now I feel like I've hit a place where I can't really communicate. I want to talk with someone who can both understand exactly where I'm coming from and who will listen to me and give me advice. It's not that I'm not thankful for what I do have. I realize that very few people have the kinds of relationships that I have. It's just that if I were to talk with someone from back home, they would gladly give me advice, but their capacity for knowing exactly what I'm facing is limited by distance. If I were to talk with someone here, however, it would be expected. I guess I'm trying to say that my friends listen and they say nice things, but I feel like when I share my problems I am becoming a burdon, and I rarely am challenged with advice. On top of that, it's been quite a while since I've had time to sit down and talk with my mentor. So... I know I'm not the one to ask for help or anything but... I really just want some help right now. This stuff is heavy and I'm not strong enough.

Ahh, but I'm not going to complain about that anymore. I might only need a vacation to get set back up on my feet. And besides, the fire tonight helped. I built one by myself and sat out there for an hour just being quiet and thinking. I was thinking about God's plan for me, what that might entail. I was thinking and hoping that His plan would not require me to sacrifice the few things in life I would like to enjoy. I want to graduate on time. I want to have a home. I want to someday be a good father and husband. I just realize that my fulfillment under God's design might require that I give up those desires. I'm learning to be okay with that.

Finally, and again going back to church, I was as close as I have ever been to crying during a service. We watched this film in relationship to how God cares for us. I decided it wouldn't be a good idea to cry in front of all of those people, but later God whispered into my ear that "sometimes there is strength in tears."

Peace and love.