Praises

I was worried this morning about what I had to face today. I spent a good while in the shower just reflecting, praying, and mentally preparing myself. This morning was the morning that I had to appear in court, and I must say I was a little unsettled. I did everything I could to prepare. I got dressed up in my best suit, I gathered all of the documents I thought I would need. I even gave myself close to an hour to get to the courthouse. I was prepared to the best of my ability. When I got there I wandered around until I found my specific court room. It was big and mahogany and I was small and alone. Seriously, when I first got there, there was no one else there. I was just sitting there on a wooden pew trying to gather my thoughts on how I was going to defend myself.

For a while, people started trickeling in and a couple of ladies sat at a bench next to the judge's stand and began calling names in order to organize all of the cases. I was the only one wearing a suit, so I felt even more out of place. A couple of people even asked me if I was a lawyer (haha). Ah, but then came the judge. He was a bout five feet and six inches tall, probably in his early 70's. He was basically a pleasant, small old man. He was small, but it became clearly evident that he didn't hold that position because he was a lenient man. Everyone who went before me was found guilty and had to pay a great deal more money than they had initially been charged. I became nervous. I thought about pleading guilty for a bit, but I didn't, I just held on. Finally he called my name. I pled not guilty and then he asked for the officer of my accident to step forward to prosecute. The officer wasn't there. He looked at me with his head tilted down and began to thumb through my files that were set before him. He asked me if I had a clean record and I looked at him and said yes. He then asked if I was sure, as if it were some million dollar question on a game show. I said "yes, your honor, I have a clean record." Then he cracked a smile, and waved me on out of the court room. He threw out the case.

God is good. I think it worked out this way so that I couldn't claim any credit for the verdict. All the credit goes to Him. This was such an interesting situation.

And for the rest of the day I simply spent any time I had trying to catch up on school work. I did a pretty good job too, but I'm not out of the woods yet. Tomorrow should be the very last of my seemingly small worries. Then I'll feel much much better.

I hope all of you make it through your finals. Break is just around the corner. Peace and love.

Mentality

You sometimes have to catch yourself from jumping into preconceived ideas and feelings. We aren't always right, despite our wishes. All day I was jumping in and out of positive thinking. I met up with Mitch for lunch today and was expalining how I felt to him which, come to think of it, I should really do with someone more often. I tend to keep things locked up without even thinking about it. But anyways, I'm fighting a war right now. I have the potential to be really stressed out this week or to accept these trials as an entertaining challenge. I have the choice to understand my current state as either opression or a blessing. I know I'm going to make it. I have hope. It's just all about the mentality from now until I'm there.

I'm thinking also about after school plans. I'm thinking heavily on Raleigh, but I also haven't completely ruled out staying in Nashville. There are only two things that could keep me here, and one of those things is if my church ends up needing me for something. The other reason is personal. I've also brought on a third possibility. I could go to China as an English teacher when I graduate. I hear they pay well and who knows, maybe I could be a little bit more than just an English teacher while there.

But over all today I've been trying to count my blessings. I have to become mentally fit before I enter the gates of what this week will hold. I want to do what I do well. I want to be satisfied. Peace and love.

Thanksgiving and then...

I always seem to get leveled out when I go home for breaks, especially when I get to see pretty much everyone who I grew up around. When I got to High Point and unloaded into my old room, I made eye-contact with a stack of my childhood pictures. While I was looking through them I realized that I had completely forgotten about who I was before I came to college. It's weird how that happens and I don't know if you can even relate, but reguardless, it was nice to ponder on.

I'm not going to give a play-by-play description on how my break went, but I got to see all of my family and all of my friends. It was exactly what I needed before I face what will possibly be the most difficult week of my life to date. I'm not really worried about next week's exams, but tomorrow starts off what I have come to know as "Hell Week". Hell Week happens twice a year at the end of each semester, and I may have mentioned it in previous journals, but if not, here we go again. This is the week that all of the semester long projects are due. This is the week that the jerk professors try to fit just ONE more test in before exams. This is the week where work is "short handed" and can't let anyone off early. Basically, if you're going to pull an all-nighter in college, it's most likely going to be within this week. My only problem is that I don't think I could pull an all nighter and survive, not anymore that is. I remember those days when I was full of energy and could stay up all night and be fine the next day. I've actually stayed up for a personal record of 42 hours once, but that was when I was young and vivacious (a full three years ago). Now... well, now I am old and groggy.

But I suppose my attitude is really all wrong going into this week. I know it will be challenging and I can't really complain. I mean honestly I could have worked on this stuff in advance if I wanted to, but I didn't. I made that personal choice and now I have to live with the consequences. I feel refreshed enough to take it though. Whenever I go home I become removed from the stereotypical "college boy" image and I start thinking like an actual adult. I think part of it is really just having things put into retrospect. Who I was then and who I am now, meeting under the same roof to make tougher decisions. It's good. I just wish I could hang on to that feeling a little longer, ya know? It seems so fleeting.

Enough talk. I'm jumping in. Peace and love.

Women and Mink

So I was shift manager tonight and the hotel was pretty much dead. It's Thanksgiving week, what do you expect? I was standing out at the desk by myself when a woman came out for a smoke. Now I must warn you that I don't notice the cloths a woman wears on a regular basis. My attention rests mostly on the face, which gets me into more trouble than I can explain. Women like it when you compliment them which I fail at time and time again. So this lady looks at me as if I'm supposed to say something, and all my clever mind can come up with is

"Keeping warm ma'am?"

The way I see it, it's little clever phrazes like these that complete the image of someone in a service position. I should maybe consider taking on the name Jeeves or Nigel. Maybe that would help too.

But anyways, she looks at me and then looks down at her brown, glistening mink coat and says affirmingly.

"Yes."

I knew I was in for it. She sat down and told me that she'd been warm since she got to Nashville. She then began to convince me of this with a few mink related stories. She was evidently standing in line at a store and a woman was just looking at her coat. She explained this to me proudly.

"You know what I did? I asked her (as she slid her classes slightly off her nose) 'Are you warm? Because I am! I told her just like that too!"

I wasn't sure what to say. "Good for you?" "Way to be a complete @$$hole?" I just smiled instead, thinking to myself that it's little things like this that keep boring nights interesting.

Ahh but today, today. I hesitated when I woke up as I do most early mornings, but I felt to energized to just stay in bed. I went to all of my classes but Calc. I just couldn't bring myself to do it because she has been so cruel as being my only teacher who did not cancel classes tomorrow. I can't be home at a decent hour because she's teaching new material that is going to be on the test as soon as we get back. Mean.

But at work I was given two totally awesome chairs just because they didn't want them anymore, and tomorrow I get to go home to High Point. I'm glad about that. I get to see all my family and friends. Fun times! Peace and love.

Create

Well, the week is about to start again. I know I only have two days to work through, but I always struggle with the last few days before a break. I left so much on my plate, and I know it's going to kill me as soon as I get back, but I accepted that fate when I started this semester. I always put things off until the last minute, suffer immensly for two weeks, and then put it all behind me for Christmas break.

Lately I've been in a really artistic mood. I've been wanting to either create or solve something. I wrote a new song last Thursday night and recorded it. I'm really happy with it, though no one else seems to like it. I've accepted that about Nashville though. No one here is really touched or impressed by music unless (and even then, rarely) it has some big name tagged onto it. I'm finding that I'm less and less discouraged by that. I'm returning to a place where I don't need the approval of others to write. That, in all honesty, has been my biggest writer's block for the past few years. At home it is easy to wow someone with a song, but here it isn't. So the trick is that you have to put everyone else out of the picture and write songs that have meaning to you.
That's what this one is like. It's called "My Desert Valley" and it's about a small patch of dirt I found in Guatemala that I used to go to at night when everyone else was going out for some R&R. I would take my guitar and just sit and play and sing for as long as I could without being interrupted. That was musical purity, or at least, what I know as musical purity. That was a time when I didn't play to impress. I played because it brought peace to my soul. Now it seems that I don't have time to play, and when I do, I'm just trying to fill a quota.

I hit it today though. I found that place that music used to take me to. I was recording an old song I wrote just for exercise when all of the sudden I completely forgot that I was recording. My eyes were half shut and I wasn't even in the room anymore. I was inside the song (as weird as that sounds).

Today I also received an answer to prayer in a weird kind of way. If you read my yesterday journal, I was talking about how I'm sorta confused right now about how I feel and about what my attention is supposed to be on. I was praying for an answer or strenght. Today I was talking to my pastor, Randy, and I didn't even tell him what I was struggling with specifically. He told me that sometimes we pray for answers but God doesn't give them to us. Instead, He wants us to want Him more than the answers. That's what I needed to hear. Now I need the strength for patience.

But I'm narrowing down my reasons for meloncholy as of late. I know that I have all of these projects due and exams coming up, not to mention work related stresses, but what's really been getting to me is lack of communication. I think I might be lonely. It's not that I lack enjoyable company. I have great friends. It's just that right now I feel like I've hit a place where I can't really communicate. I want to talk with someone who can both understand exactly where I'm coming from and who will listen to me and give me advice. It's not that I'm not thankful for what I do have. I realize that very few people have the kinds of relationships that I have. It's just that if I were to talk with someone from back home, they would gladly give me advice, but their capacity for knowing exactly what I'm facing is limited by distance. If I were to talk with someone here, however, it would be expected. I guess I'm trying to say that my friends listen and they say nice things, but I feel like when I share my problems I am becoming a burdon, and I rarely am challenged with advice. On top of that, it's been quite a while since I've had time to sit down and talk with my mentor. So... I know I'm not the one to ask for help or anything but... I really just want some help right now. This stuff is heavy and I'm not strong enough.

Ahh, but I'm not going to complain about that anymore. I might only need a vacation to get set back up on my feet. And besides, the fire tonight helped. I built one by myself and sat out there for an hour just being quiet and thinking. I was thinking about God's plan for me, what that might entail. I was thinking and hoping that His plan would not require me to sacrifice the few things in life I would like to enjoy. I want to graduate on time. I want to have a home. I want to someday be a good father and husband. I just realize that my fulfillment under God's design might require that I give up those desires. I'm learning to be okay with that.

Finally, and again going back to church, I was as close as I have ever been to crying during a service. We watched this film in relationship to how God cares for us. I decided it wouldn't be a good idea to cry in front of all of those people, but later God whispered into my ear that "sometimes there is strength in tears."

Peace and love.

Truth and Friends

There's much to do for me between now and Tuesday night when I make the long drive back to High Point. I'm sure I'm going to forget something, but that's okay. At least I'm not disappointing myself.

Last night was Natalie's birthday, so Matt and I attended a surprise skating party for her. It was really a lot of fun. I hadn't been skating in about 6 years as had most of us there, but it was almost more fun just flopping around than actually being "good".

Sorry about the kissy face. I was caught off guard and... well... kissy face. I realize now that it looks as if I have an uncontrollable attraction to Matt... but I assure you. This is not the case.

But anyways, after that we came back to the house and sat around the fire and told stories. I really like that group of folks.

Arg, but so much has been on my mind lately and I've really been praying hard for answers and/or strength. I have come to know myself quite well these past four years, and I understand how it is that I respond in certain situations. Take work for example. My boss tried to lay a huge guilt trip on me about not being around for the holidays, so my first and longest lasting response to that was, of course, guilt coupled with anger which then flowed into a new thought process of ideas of glorified action. Maybe I would quit and find a new job just to make a statement. All of my rationality just goes right out the window.

I'm going to be honest and to the point though. I know that healthily loving yourself is important, but my emotional side is a side of me that I really find hard to embrace. On the up side, everything seems so beautiful to me, and I appreciate beauty. On the down side, I feel that I am largely missunderstood and that I make people who don't know me very well uncomfortable when they are around me. I feel like people always think that I'm up to something. I was talking to a girl about that a few weeks ago. And by the way, I really appreciate anyone who tolerates the lack of small talk that is so prevelent in my desired conversation. Most people, again, get really uncomfortable when I start talking about the real things that are on my mind. But anyways, this girl really didn't see it. She said she has always trusted me. I thought about that for a while, and I have realized that trust is one of my most valued attributes in any kind of relationship. Trusting someone, even if they don't necessarily deserve it, is one of the loudest ways by which you can communicate heavenly love.

Wow, I'm sitting here just barely hanging on. I'm rubbing my eyes because they are well aware that it is indeed 2 in the morning and that this is indeed the third night I've stayed up this late. My eyes know the truth, but my fingers are trying to convince them otherwise.

So I guess to close I would say that this week I have learned why trust is so desireable and valuable. I've learned that after supressing my emotions for so many years of my life, it is only natural that I'm going to suffer through a few awkward spells as I learn discipline in that area. I've also built upon the understanding that having girls as friends is a really good idea. They bring so much more color to the table than that of just guys.

Here's to the awkward stages of life that teach us and make us better men and women. May we consistently find new inspirations and understandings to ensure our progress to become fully alive in God's design, and may we have good friends to walk along side us as we go.

Peace and love.

Disorganized

I'm listening to Mozart's Requiem right now. I wish I could see it live. I can just feel the energy.

My room is also disorganized which means one thing...

So is my mind.

This morning was cold and grey and neither Matt nor I felt like going to class at all today, but we roughed it out and went anyways. I didn't even bother grooming myself before leaving, so I looked pretty grizzley, but I figure this is the last point in my life where that kind of appearance will be acceptible. In the long run, I would consider it good for anyone to, every once in a while, just completely not groom themselves. It teaches humility and shows you where your true confidences lie.

So not only did I not feel much like going to class, but I also didn't feel much like going to work. Of course, these are feelings, and my feelings rarely have so much power over me as to control me in such an irrational manner... That being said, I went. When I got there one of my bosses looked at me and said. "Hey, guess who's shifting tonight!" (shifting is a term we use to describe shift managing) ... I looked back and looked to the floor and sighed "...Me..."

"I had a feeling you wouldn't be too thrilled about it."
"Who was supposed to be shifting tonight?"
"Chris, but he called out."
"Oh..."

Basically what that means is that by no means possible may I be cut early, which in the depths of my desires is what I was hoping for. On top of that, I was informed that I'm only allowed to miss three of the six major holidays at work (each holiday is evidently grouped in two days). That means I must either come in for Thanksgiving, Christmas, or New Years. I told him flat out that me coming in on those days was out of the question. I don't think they're in any position to fire me for not coming in, being that they're already hurting for crew, but if they do I don't really mind. I'll just find another job.

But outside of work, Catherine, Natalie, Matt, and I have been planning out a road trip for the beginning of December. I'm pretty excited about it because I've honestly never gone on a road trip before, and the way I see it, they're the perfect group to do it with. Most girls get all dramatic about every little thing, but Catherine and Natalie are just along for the fun and excitement like one of the guys. I know I've said it before, but I'll say it again.

"That's refreshing."

But we fear that Andy and Kevin won't be able to come with us and play the concert in Matt's home town church. Matt was really looking forward to that as it was his idea, and I was sorta excited myself, but we've got time enough to figure something out.

Let's see... oh, my scroll button on my mouse is broken. I've got to see if I can disassemble it and work on it because it only scrolls down and I'm so engrained in the habit of scrolling up AND down. It gets me every time.

So now I go to bed. I've got a big day tomorrow and I'm not really all that concerned about... well... anything scholastic. Have a great day! Peace and love.

Survival Basics

So how exactly do you survive in a house with no heat in the most dreadful of cold? I'm still figuring that part out right now. As if waking up in the morning wasn't hard enough, it's even more difficult when you get up to slam the alarm and the cold just completely envelopes your body. We've got these dinky curtains up where there should be doors in the house in attempts to contain any heat we manage to produce, but I have a feeling that those curtains aren't quite heavy enough to do the job well. I'm just going to accept the fact that the house will be cold. I mean I could make small investments here and there to warm things up a bit, but in all honesty, I'd rather just tough it out. It keeps my head in the right place.

I've managed to find myself frequenting the library more and more these days in attempts to find a small plot of peace and quiet. I sleep on a desk in the back of the second floor level whenever I get the chance. I know people walk by and snicker when they see me, but the joke is on them. They're the one's who are awake.

I've spent the day thinking a lot about what I wrote about last night. I have landed on this understanding, which might not be divine, but I have interpreted it as so. I can make all of the plans I want and work for goals that I wish to have, but ultimately it is God who will decide where I end up. That being so, I plan on sending out resumes to both Nashville and Raleigh. I'm also going to be looking at open doors in churches and in relationships. Does anyone here really need me? They might like having me around, but do they need me? I feel that my life's purpose is to fullfill someone else's need. My eyes will be open for the next rest of the year.

I'm learning stress management along with my understanding of all of these things. I'm trying not to focus on how busy I am, but instead, how I am performing. If I see something as a challenge rather than an obligated task, I tend to have higher spirits when undertaking that activity. I do not, however, wish to waste my worries and efforts on tasks that would draw my attention away from more important ones. I tell you that I first and foremost value relationships followed by my passions and then scholastics. I'm not going to waste my time in college by sucking at school work, but I am also not going to let it rip my relationships apart or steal my drive and enthusiasm. You must balance yourself or you will go crazy.

Peace and love.

New Skin

Okay, so I've made a few changes to my blogs as of today... and I hope that they add a bit of aesthetic value to this weary journal. Hope you like it. I don't really even know if I do right now. We'll see. I think the larger font will make it more reader-friendly...

Hah, my mind is completely blown right now. I could best compare it to one of those money machines that they have at some fairs. What you do is you stand inside of them and they turn it on and all of this money scurries around in the wind and you have to grab onto some of it. What you grab you can keep. Do you know what I'm talking about? Well, that's how I feel. All of those thoughts floating around in my head and I'm excited to see them all, but I can't seem to grab onto as much as I would like.

I've been thinking a lot about post graduation and what I will do when... well... when I'm a post graduate. I think sometimes that I would just love to leave Nashville and start over again. Raleigh would be ideal. But then sometimes I think to myself about those factors that could convince me to stay. There are only two possible ones that I have given consideration to, but I suppress them for several reasons. First of all, where I live is strongly dependant on meeting certain demands. Primarily I need to get a good job that can support my loan payments as well as my own place to live. Also, I can't be in love with music and live here in Nashville at the same time. It's too critical and my passions have weakened so much because of that. I want to be in a place where people are still mystified by the power and passion communicated through music. Finally, I would be staggered if I stayed. I'm sure I would have lots of fun staying here for several more years, but I fear that I would shrug off responsibility and try to stay in the demographic of "fun-times college years". I am a progressive person by nature. I look forward to growth and new challenges and I associate this place with an old stage of growth. I felt the same way as a senior in high school. I grew up in High Point and it served well for that, but then came a time for my passions to desire change. I had to leave. Now I'm here and I've done a fair share of growing, but my passions are stirring again.

I don't know what kind of decisions to make. I honestly feel like these kinds of plans are what help people sleep at night, but are as certain as... well... uncertainty. I can't say either way, but I can make predictions. Arg... if only you knew the full of it. My heart is really being torn down the middle right now. But I guess that in itself is a form of growing. Peace and love.

I'm In My Way

How full of highs and lows today was. I'm greatful for both.

I've been waking up at about the same time every day for the past two weeks and, to be quite honest, the earliness bothers me less and less. I find that all I need is a good laugh in the morning to get me going for a little while... sometimes caffeen does the rest. This morning was no different. Matt and I both had to be at Belmont at 9am sharp for Country Showcase recording. This one is a big deal because we'll be taking the mix and giving it to Channel 4 to be broadcasted on television. It's a large responsibility that I'm thankful to be a part of. But man... that truck is small and hot for 12 hours out of the day.

But while being there I was full of ups and downs. One of which was my blatant immaturity at handling a situation of being exposed to someone who, when I last left, I did not part well with. I know how I should behave, but sometimes my deeper feelings just completely bypass my front-guard. At least... I became increasingly aware of that today.

But after the showcase Matt and I went to see a movie with the girls, and it was really good. The end hit me hard though because of something that visually happened that reminded me of Phill. The feelings are still there for me as I'm sure they are for everyone who knew him, and they can be dug up in the most odd places at the most odd times, but I held it back there. I didn't want to have to explain to anyone why I was so upset. I don't like that either though because then I leave everything up for assumption. Why do I make things that complicated? Ahhh but anyways, to give the film credit, the ending did twist around to make things better and give me something positive to end on.

And now that I'm home, I have checked my e-mail and found an unexpected word of encouragement from an unexpected person. I don't get that much. I mean I've always gotten that from my family, but from outside sources, I don't get that too much. Sometimes it's nice to realize that the simple things I do, the things that I might not even consider myself good at, might have a huge impact on someone else.

So I conclude with this. I get in my way an awful lot, and I'm not one to make excuses, but, I'm young yet and still have a great deal to learn, and for that I am truly thankful. Peace and love.

Vivid

I don't know what to say about today. I mean I felt like it just never happened, sorta like it floated by without my noticing. On top of that, things have seemed more beautiful to me lately. It was rainy today, but I just couldn't help but notice the way the water glazed the red brick sidewalks in just the right way or how the leaves seemed to be scattered on the ground, not as if they had fallen, but as if they, in their array of color, had been placed there with purpose. The past few days have been like that really, seemingly surreal and distant, but at the same time, beautiful.

But this morning I woke up early to write that art paper that was due today. I completed it just effortlessly as I had expected, and now that is one less weight on my mind. What seems to have my attention at the moment is my capacity to graduate on time. It seems like a long-shot which sets my moral back a bit, but I am more discouraged at the reality of leaving Nashville. That is quickly becoming a thought more and more difficult to bear.

So with these scattered and more all bombarding my head, I have found a new place of solace. The library is a surprisingly peaceful building to go to and study, think, read, or just stare off into space (who would have thought). I haven't been there since my freshman year, and I really just forgot what it was like. I even have my old spot still. It's on the second floor all the way back in the left corner.

Today I was scanning through the books near my spot just to see if anything would catch my eye. I started in on this book about grief counseling, how different people react over a loss. It's been a while since Phill died, but I think about him a lot. I guess I just kept reading because I wanted to see if how I felt was "normal". It turns out that for the most part, I am. I say "most part" because the crying thing isn't on the level. As most of you know, I cry just about as often as I throw up, which is hardly ever. The last time I cried was at Phill's funeral about a year and a half ago. Before that, it was four years. I've never really understood why I am like that, with the exception that when I was seven years old I promised myself that I would never cry in public because I didn't want people to think I was a wuss. The book hit on that a little bit. It caught my attention when it first said that some people express the act of crying as "losing it" which is exactly how I put it. The book explained that crying is a means by which people draw comforting attention and sympathy from others. When they cry alone it can still provide this feeling of comfort because of the psychological reinforcements built around the act. It said that people who do not cry usually don't because they don't want sympathy. It went on to say that when these people do cry, they express it as "losing it" because they are afraid of deep grief. I suppose that's true for me as well. I mean I've always known that I don't enjoy people feeling sorry for me, but I've just never made the connection between that and crying before. In fact, even admiting this is making me uncomfortable, but I choose to continue because I want to look back on this someday.

My way of dealing with sadness and stress takes a lot longer than crying. That's why I wish so hard sometimes that I could just cry real quick and get it over with, but I can't. I would be a horrible soap opera actor because I can't even fake it. Why am I still talking about crying? Change the subject!

Okay, so I was scheduled to work this Saturday, but I need it off because I have to work on the showcase. And that being said, I also need to go to sleep so I can wake up early in the morning and feel super. Peace and love.

Perspectives of a Selfish Ass

Introspection can be a wonderful thing. We are all a mystery within ourselves, but it can be dangerous too. I've come to understand a few small truths about self in the past couple of months as my convictions have been leading me through progression after progression. I will be honest. I do have the initial response tendancy to put myself before others (a shock to all I'm sure). Though I do consider this to be a natural tendancy within all mankind, I also do not underestimate its potential to consume nor do I condone my actions of being a self-centered ass. But even animals have a bit of self-centered characteristics to them. Wolves will dominate for mating and food. But if you want to see the finest examples of selfish existence, look no further than man.

Bitching and moaning about how unfair things are. Always feeling like the world is pressing down on you. Looking at the negative in everything. These are just a few case examples of the perspectives of a selfish butthead. I should know. They came straight out of my own heart. What is the thought process? It's pretty complex, but I'll do my best to explain.

We're all born with it. As children it is usually blatantly apparent until we reach a certain age when we become cognitively aware of the existance of other people. We then learn social behavior, how to interact with people who might differ with us in personality. This is a long process that lasts... well... I'm still working on it, so it must last beyond college.

Love is the only entity in our lives that can balance out or even overthrow the selfish nature. Love, in fact, is the exact opposite of selfishness. To make a better comparisson, I will call selfishness inward love. The antithesis of inward love is outward love. And I think to myself which of these attributes did Christ most vividly depict in his life? Certainly he did take time to feed himself and cloth himself, and sometimes he even went off by himself to pray or grieve (John the Baptist). But he didn't want to have to suffer and die for you for the sake of suffering and dying. He suffered and died because of his love. He wanted to sacrifice whatever it took to love you if that makes sense.

So what kind of love will give your life meaning? I hate to say it, but you will never reach the bottom of your soul no matter how much time you spend pouring into it. The individual can never be satisfied which is why capitalism works so incredibly well. But even if you did reach the bottom and found yourself, who would be around to celebrate that with you? What kind of memories do you think you will keep?

"Oh, hey Me, remember that time I cloistered myself away and just did everything I wanted to do? Wasn't that great?"

You know how you can tell how selfish you are? Look at your relationships. Do you have any? If so, do you feel like you can open up your heart to those people or do you merely keep them around because they make you feel comfortable? Do you ever listen to their problems or are you so consumed with yourself that you push them away and don't give a damn unless you're in a good mood?

Outward love is not selfless in attempts to be a punishment to us. It is selfless because if you truly love as God loves, then you will not need to focus so hard on yourself. You will have the help of God through others around you filling those needs. Basically, being selfish destroys the lives of the people around you who do care about you and want to love you. You can only serve one master, so if you choose to be selfish and only do and think the things that you want to do and think, you do not know the fullness of love. You know comfortability and that is it.

I am thankful that the people who love me are not like me.

Peace and love.

Cold Steam and Hot Po-tots

I was out driving back from a meeting downtown tonight and the air was just right to coerce steam out from the manhole covers. I know it sounds weird, but I really like that image.

Tomorrow is a rough day for me though. There are only two, maybe three things that can get me truly stressed out on their own, and one of them, a calc test, is tomorrow. I feel pretty crappy about it, but I've studied and I don't know what else there is to do but be at peace about it and get a solid night's rest.

Sleep and diet are becoming more important to me, especially lately. I feel like I'm deterriorating from the past two years of self abuse. That's why tonight I cooked my self a real meal. I had chicken brest, spinach, and a baked potato. It was pretty good, though I forgot how long a baked potato can take in the oven. I'm also going to try to go to extra lengths to fit breakfast in to my schedule in the morning. I had breakfast today and I felt amazing.

You know what else is amazing? What happens to all of that energy I had when I was a freshman, able to stay up until two or three in the morning and function perfectly fine the next day. It's only been three years since then and I'm already an old man. That's amazing.

But in that respect, I feel wiser and more capable now than I did then. I don't know, I mean I still have crappy days and I still get my head stuck in the clouds on the occasion, but I don't let it affect my performance as much as I used to. I'm becoming more realistic with myself too. I know what I can and can't take and what I am and am not ready for. I am thankful for the rate of growth I have endured because I can see clearly that it wouldn't have worked quite as well any other way.

And right now I'm really praying for a spirit of humility. I've learned so much about love (the full spectrum, not just romance) in the past few years and I really feel convicted that my pride is a huge barrier in my way of truly loving others and being responsible with the love people give me. It is my desire to continue learning about the deepness of love and sacrifice. I have come to learn that true spiritual freedom rests on the other side of that undesrtanding. Love because you were first loved. Peace and love.

Mental War

What can I say? Not too much I'm afraid. At least, not too much of anything that is conclusive to a thought process. All that seems to want to come out of my fingertips and on to the keyboard are lists of fragmented ideas that are currently filling my head.

I remember my dream I had during my nap today. I should rephraze that... I remember my dream in a non-memorable kind of way. Little flashes and images of people, sensations, emotions, activities, kept flashing through my head. I would feel panic and then peace in quick succession. I can't say that my being awake has been very different. The tell-tale signs of stress are pressing down upon my body. I've had this twitch in the muscle over my right kidney for the past few days that comes and goes. That means I'm stressed. I always get a twitch somewhere in my body when I'm stressed.

So what do I do to beat it out? I try for better sleep and more healthy foods. I also try and prepare as best I can for tests and assignments that might be coming up. That's about all I have control over. The rest sits in God's hands. He knows how I'm wired and what my mind is capable of doing to my body. More or less, I know I'll survive.

I do have joys punctuating my life here and there to battle that stress though. The fires at night have been amazing. I love to sit and talk or not talk. It doesn't really matter to me. I also again have really been enjoying the friendship of the girls as of late. I also have a lot to look forward to. Graduation is big on the list as well as the life changes that take place after college.

I know this entry is short and rather pointless seeming. I honestly wish I could talk about all of the things I am feeling right now because there's a lot. But that's just not the way this works. That's what my paperback journal is for.

Ahhh what am I still doing awake?

Peace and love.

Pep Talk

This morning I decided to wake up early and get started on the math I hadn't finished last night. Topped with some eggs and extra warm socks, I found myself still having a difficult time focusing. I figured that maybe if I went to Belmont early, I would be able to find a nice quiet corner and focus there. That's what I ended up doing and for the most part, it worked. I'll tell you though. I worked on that math for the majority of the day. I even went to a math lab and became quite discouraged after the math tutors couldn't even help me. This is supposed to be an introductory course! But I did eventually get it done and handed in. That's just the small part though. I have a test on that material on Friday. I'll be studying for the rest of the week is what that means.

But on the way to school, I gave myself a bit of a pep talk. Being super-frustrated is accepting defeat. I never give up so easily and, in fact, I rather enjoy finding out which doors are opened and which ones are closed. If you've ever seen the movie "The Edge", Anthony Hopkins' character puts it best. "Most people who are lost in the wilderness do not die of starvation or cold, but they instead die of shame. They believe they will die and so they do." So I'm not going to accept defeat but I'm also not going to stress out about victory.

Moving on.

While eating dinner at the cafe tonight, I saw a really cute girl eating by herself at a table for two by the window. I hate it when that happens. I almost got up and walked over to introduce myself except I really just didn't want to be another guy trying to pick up on her. Besides, I learned quite well from last year that random introductions don't really quite work that well for a person of my... personality(?).

We sat by the fire again tonight. That's really turning into a great investment. It's good and quiet, away from the everyday hum-drum. Matt has taken a fondness to cooking on it and I just get really relaxed amidst its warm glow. Sure it makes my cloths stink, but that only ends up making me feel like more of a man, so no complaints here. But we were really bummed that no kids came to ask us for candy being that it was Halloween and all. Chubbs bought a ton of it to give away. I guess we were just too scary for them in our natural habitat. Maybe the parents in the neighborhood saw me out swining my ax Sunday afternoon and told their kids to stay away. Haha... not likely ;)

Well, I'm going take positive steps towards a healthy night's sleep. Peace and love.