Warm/Cold

Can I wholly express how I feel right now? I've had a real hard time with that lately, but I might as well write this journal in attempts. I find it healthy to write even if I can't express what I have to say. It's a means by which I release the ever building pressure from my mind. Some people cry, but I write. Sometimes I wish I could cry whenever I wanted to. I think how much better I'd feel about something if I were able to cry, but I just can't. I can't even force myself to.

Today was one of those days where I just felt like it would be nice if I could just randomly start crying. Maybe I could explain it best like this (knowing just how much I LOVE using metaphors). When someone is severely lacerated to where they have to have stitches, they have to wait until they completely heal, being careful and slow. Well I don't have the leasure of being careful and slow in my life right now, and I keep re-opening these previous wounds. Much of my time today was spent thinking about Phillip. I miss him so much. I look at younger kids who are the age of Phillip, Brandon, Brian, and I when we all first met and established a life-long friendship, and I think "MAN that was a long time ago!" But I consider myself blessed to even have such a friendship. Not many people who travel through life are privilaged to have relationships NEAR as good as ours. But Phillip was taken so early and so unexpectedly. Just to the left of me is a picture of he, Brandon, and I standing in the parkinglot of Belmont my freshman year when they came to visit me from Taylor. Why... How... Those are not safe questions for me to ask.

But then I got to thinking, attached to that, that High Point, NC, is not my home anymore. There is an emptyness to it that is strange to me. I grew up in this town and everything should be familiar to me, but every time I leave so much changes, especially my relationships. I work with Brandon this summer which is nice, but he is not going to be coming back next summer. Brian is already moved away, probably permanently, to Arizona with the girl of his dreams. Andy is also gone, living in the mountains for this summer. What would I do for just one day back when things were familiar and comfortable? Back when we all were together and alive? But I have new friends at school who care for me and miss me. They call me often and tell me how much they miss me which is not something I'm familiar with but it makes me feel pretty good. They care for me even though they don't know near as much about me as the four from High Point. I can't wait to get back there to them and share stories of summer over a drink and mabye a fine cigar. I look forward to that day.

My heart has also been burdoned with loneliness. I wonder if I even have a soul mate out there who shares my same ideals and ambitions, who would be capable and willing to tug my load, who would be a great strength to me spiritually. I am always afraid that I'll just settle for mediocre because I won't find someone who is completely compatable with me. I don't want that to happen. I want love to be what I've always immagined it would be; something spectacular and epic. I believe that is the way God intended it to be. But I don't want it to be like everything else in this world. I don't want it to get old and boring like a new car. That's not love, that's just novelty.

This town is full of bad memories of failed love. What used to be one of the reasons why I came home this summer, is now one of the reasons why I would gladly leave tomorrow morning if I had the chance. And I feel like such a fool, a fool for two reasons. First off I feel the fool to believe her AGAIN that she wanted to be friends. Maybe she does, I don't know, but if this is what she considers friendship, then I am greatful that I am not her enemy. The second reason is that I actually believed that I had enough control over my feelings to maintain a friendship with her. I may have done alot of growing up over the past few years, but that might take more strength than most men are capable of. But I'm TIRED of making relationships work off of my own energy. No woman I have ever had a relationship with has EVER put anything into me. They just suck me dry and move on. It must be female nature. Look at the praying mantis or the black widdow or the mosquito. The mantis uses the male and then cuts his head off. The black widdow uses the male and then eats him. The mosquito is just a blood sucker! I guess there are just alot of people out there (male and female alike) who seek relationships to make themselves feel comfortable. They don't want the responsibility, they just want the good parts of it. That used to be me, but times are changing, responsibilities are ever more present, and the reason for having a partner is ever clear. I know God has it taken care of, but that still doesn't change my lonely feeling.

So pretty much I'm tired of sitting down. I want to move on and find new things. I want to have adventure. I want to share that adventure with someone. I want to have the opportunity to be a man and be bold, but that opportunity doesn't seem to reveal itself too often around here. And even though some metaphorical stitches ripped in my soul, they should soon heal. I still feel bright and somewhat resilliant. Tomorrow might even be somewhat of a turning point, who knows.