Unexpected Difficulties

Today was a rough day. It was one of those days where you expect the difficulty to pay off and something amazing to happen, but it never does. I worked harder today than I ever have before. It was 94 degrees in the warehouse and I was drenched in sweat. But I like that. I like being dirty and taking challenges head on. I like being able to say "Yeah I can.", probably a mentality that sprang from being the runt of the litter. No one ever thought I could do anything larger than my stature when I was growing up. Now, whenever anyone says that I can't, it's almost like a fire that burns my determination even hotter. It's a character trait that has given me many opportunities, but can also hinder me just as easily if left undisciplined and undirected.

As for the rest of the day, I thought things would have gone better than they actually did. I got home and already had a list of things to do in place of my nap, but I got them done and tried to sleep, but sleep has been difficult lately. I'm so tired but I can't sleep at all. When I woke up I went to church to volunteer with sports camp with the kids, but they didn't really need me after all. It was then that things began to cloud over. I talked with someone who I placed trust in, and I felt that that trust had been breeched. I got that vibe where you feel like a bunch of people know something that you don't, and they're all just watching you stumble around in the dark without throwing you a line. I suppose he had every right to break that trust. There are, after all, very few exceptions to why someone should break trust, but this would have met that category. I just feel outstandingly rejected and foolish. I feel sometimes that I give the human race too much credit. I put too much trust in them and have too naive a standard. I feel that if I ask someone to be honest with me... well then why not? Oh well... it is of little consequence. There are things there that I will never understand and they are better off left behind me as I move from this place to the next.

Maybe today was metaphorical. I had to lift so many heavy boxes and I sweat so much while in my spiritual life I am having to lift so many heavy things right now and I'm so exhausted. But it will continue onward and I will be crafted into a stronger man both physically and spiritually. Remember that life never gets easier, God just continuously better equips you to deal with it. If anything I have learned this year it is that loosing love hurts. Walking away from Phill's casket hurt more than a thousand burdons. But there is no need to feel continuous pain over love lost. Instead be thankful for the time you shared and be greatful for those who you still have.

I don't have much more to say. My mind is quite blurred right now. I have made very little sense of the day. Peace and love.