Yes, I am infact home alone. It's sorta nice having everything to myself for a few days before I go back to school. But I have to work like woah for the next week that's for sure. Right now I'm cleanin the house a bit with some loud disco music playin on my computer. Got cloths in the wash, dinner on the stove, and the vacuum is on standby.
I did the worship service this morning. First service was really receptive, but second didn't sing that much. People are so uptight these days. I just want to spray everybody down with liquid valium sometimes, but I gotta respect differences. I don't understand the no sing mentallity personally, but that's just me. I think it's hard for people to break from stiffness at a certain age. Society expects so much self-control from people all the time, especially in the white collar business world. Singing definitely would be considered as a lack of self-control in the office cubicle i guess. That's a shame. I think we should all break out into song and dance sometimes. I did at work Friday. A song from Greece came on the radio so I jumped up on my table and started dancing. It felt good even though everybody stared at me... but when was the last time I cared.
I was really encouraged that the song I wrote touched so many people though. I had several compliments. People are always telling me that I'm blessed which is way more than I get in Nashville. I suspect that I will miss the encouragement. Mr. Schrum cried and hugged me after I was done. That meant alot to me. I really wanted his approval of the song.
Speaking of which, I'm really excited to start recording my album this year. I have so much ambition built up in my system. I really hope it doesn't get drained. That would be a shame. I know! I won't persue women this year! That'll work... ... ...... psych! I don't know about that right now. I'm feeling pretty relaxed about it, but I'm almost certain that my previous ambitions of finding a girl in my hometown are going to fall rapidly through the cracks... or maybe it's because I'm shoving them through the cracks. Yeah, I suspect I'll leave town before I see her. I really don't feel like making an effort. My heart is so tired of trying, ya know? I feel weird around her dad now too which shows pretty bad when he's around. I used to be excited to see him, but now I get the feeling that he'd rather me not speak much of the subject. That's cool I guess. I mean I can live with that. This town holds alot of pain though in all honesty. I really do need to get back to Nashville. I suspect that the pain that was once their is gone now. I'm not holding grudges or anything. That's not what I mean by that statement. I mean that I'm cool about all of it. It's in the past. No more. A lesson well learned.
But gotta go. My dog wants to play. Peace and love.
Sunday, July 31, 2005
Saturday, July 30, 2005
Ashville, Speeding Up and Shutting Down
the new stuff I'm currently listening to: The Decemberist
the old school stuff I'm currently listening to: The Cranberries AND Queen
movies currently watching: Wayne's World 1&2
Visiting Ashville this weekend was a wonderful change in pace. I went to get back a bass guitar that was lent to me which I lent to Andy, but I also wanted to escape High Point for a little while. It was good. I was in such a good mood yesterday as soon as I got out of the cloud of the city and onto the open road. The music was loud and the windows were down for two hours of fast mountain driving. I left my worries here and went with an open head to a beatuful beautiful place. Montreat, which is where Andy resides, really awakens the wild side of my hear... the part of me that wants to go into the wilderness and survive, the part of me that wants to take risks and be brave. There's not much room for that in the city or at school... I just need to go camping more often, and I'm not talking about wuss camping... I'm talking about hardcore in the wild camping. But it was good to see Andy and his friends. I get along so well with all of Andy's friends just after a short while of knowing them.
When I initially got there, we went to downtown Ashville to a city-wide festival they were having. I'm serious, the entire downtown was overrun by bands, vendors, and very very drunk people. It was interesting though. There were so many different types of people there, I felt like I was in a different part of the world. I was almost overwhelmed by the diversity and just observing it all.
After that we went back to his campus and (shhhhh) broke into the campus conferrence center to play hide-and-go-seek. It was slighly dark, slightly scarry, but very very fun. We thought we were in risk of being caught though because there was somebody parading around the building with a flashlight, so we left. But then we went and broke into the sanctuary and just sat and talked for a while. Sleep was so wonderful that night. As soon as we got back to Andy's lodge it started raining pretty hardcore. My bed was right next to an open window, so the orchestra of rain falling on the rhodadendrins (don't check the spelling on that one) and ivy put me to sleep in record time.
In the morning we went back to Ashville to have lunch with one of his friends who had been away in Peru on missions. He was a pretty interesting guy. He asked our waitress and sheff if they had anything they would like to be prayed for before we prayed for our food. I've never experienced someone so on fire for evangelism. It was quite encouraging. The majority of the rest of the day invovled Andy and I trying to find the house of his friend who had the bass guitar. It took an hour to find it I think, but it was an adventure. Andy was slightly discouraged, but I enjoy that kind of stuff. After that we went to buy new music and then we went back to his lodge and I was able to learn how to brew rootbeer. I've got a batch sitting on my fridge, but it won't be ready until next Saturday.
Okay, the stuff that has been on my mind as of late... We, as men, are so consumed by the noise of this world. It is often the noise that drives us rather than the Holy Spirit. We say that we do but we do not yeild complete controll. It's not the American way. And what representation do I see on TV of us. The secular world portrays what it preceives and it portrays insecure, close-minded, self-righteous individuals. But then I look to the other side of the entertainment venue. I turn to a "Christian" channel and what do I see. I see "the man" standing on a stage wearing a nice suit with really crazy hair and nice jewelry, yelling at me like a car salesman. Salesmen are tricksters. They will manipulate your mind into feeling like you need something. And what is even more sad is that some of them are just in it for the power. This is not how the gospel was intended. The gospel does not need a fancy suit, a crazy awesome sound system, or a smooth voice to get it's point across. If anything, all of the above only adds to the hum and buzz of every day life. The gospel is the power of God, and man can do nothing to enhance it. It enhances man. A lesson God taught me this year was that through my weakness, His strength is made complete in me. In other words, as soon as I get it out of my head that I can do something amazing for Him, the faster He will sweep me up and move His power through me. Seperate from God, I am nothing. But speaking of the whole poor representation thing, the English band Massive Attack wrote a song which contains the lyrics:
"(God) the teachers are representing You so badly, Jah forgive us for representing You so badly, so badly"
Agreed, Massive Attack. We represent God as Christians so badly and we think that the world hates us because of the prophecy of Christ. "When the world hates you, remember that it hated me first." The world does not hate Christianity because it shines with the light and love of Christ. The world hates Christianity because it is the overbearing parent who is always yelling and saying just what you should and shouldn't do. We shouldn't be encouraged because we're hated right now. We've got alot of work to do on the interior before we are hated for the right reasons. But we are on a turning point. There is a new foundation being laid in the hearts of the new generations. There is a revival in the making where we will return to the church which is spoken of in the New Testament. We will return to a focus on a life in persuite of the Love of Christ. It is only a matter of time. Let us pray though that God will use the evil among us for good. Let us pray that we continue to proceed through the muck of our current situation and not lay stagnant. Peace and love.
the old school stuff I'm currently listening to: The Cranberries AND Queen
movies currently watching: Wayne's World 1&2
Visiting Ashville this weekend was a wonderful change in pace. I went to get back a bass guitar that was lent to me which I lent to Andy, but I also wanted to escape High Point for a little while. It was good. I was in such a good mood yesterday as soon as I got out of the cloud of the city and onto the open road. The music was loud and the windows were down for two hours of fast mountain driving. I left my worries here and went with an open head to a beatuful beautiful place. Montreat, which is where Andy resides, really awakens the wild side of my hear... the part of me that wants to go into the wilderness and survive, the part of me that wants to take risks and be brave. There's not much room for that in the city or at school... I just need to go camping more often, and I'm not talking about wuss camping... I'm talking about hardcore in the wild camping. But it was good to see Andy and his friends. I get along so well with all of Andy's friends just after a short while of knowing them.
When I initially got there, we went to downtown Ashville to a city-wide festival they were having. I'm serious, the entire downtown was overrun by bands, vendors, and very very drunk people. It was interesting though. There were so many different types of people there, I felt like I was in a different part of the world. I was almost overwhelmed by the diversity and just observing it all.
After that we went back to his campus and (shhhhh) broke into the campus conferrence center to play hide-and-go-seek. It was slighly dark, slightly scarry, but very very fun. We thought we were in risk of being caught though because there was somebody parading around the building with a flashlight, so we left. But then we went and broke into the sanctuary and just sat and talked for a while. Sleep was so wonderful that night. As soon as we got back to Andy's lodge it started raining pretty hardcore. My bed was right next to an open window, so the orchestra of rain falling on the rhodadendrins (don't check the spelling on that one) and ivy put me to sleep in record time.
In the morning we went back to Ashville to have lunch with one of his friends who had been away in Peru on missions. He was a pretty interesting guy. He asked our waitress and sheff if they had anything they would like to be prayed for before we prayed for our food. I've never experienced someone so on fire for evangelism. It was quite encouraging. The majority of the rest of the day invovled Andy and I trying to find the house of his friend who had the bass guitar. It took an hour to find it I think, but it was an adventure. Andy was slightly discouraged, but I enjoy that kind of stuff. After that we went to buy new music and then we went back to his lodge and I was able to learn how to brew rootbeer. I've got a batch sitting on my fridge, but it won't be ready until next Saturday.
Okay, the stuff that has been on my mind as of late... We, as men, are so consumed by the noise of this world. It is often the noise that drives us rather than the Holy Spirit. We say that we do but we do not yeild complete controll. It's not the American way. And what representation do I see on TV of us. The secular world portrays what it preceives and it portrays insecure, close-minded, self-righteous individuals. But then I look to the other side of the entertainment venue. I turn to a "Christian" channel and what do I see. I see "the man" standing on a stage wearing a nice suit with really crazy hair and nice jewelry, yelling at me like a car salesman. Salesmen are tricksters. They will manipulate your mind into feeling like you need something. And what is even more sad is that some of them are just in it for the power. This is not how the gospel was intended. The gospel does not need a fancy suit, a crazy awesome sound system, or a smooth voice to get it's point across. If anything, all of the above only adds to the hum and buzz of every day life. The gospel is the power of God, and man can do nothing to enhance it. It enhances man. A lesson God taught me this year was that through my weakness, His strength is made complete in me. In other words, as soon as I get it out of my head that I can do something amazing for Him, the faster He will sweep me up and move His power through me. Seperate from God, I am nothing. But speaking of the whole poor representation thing, the English band Massive Attack wrote a song which contains the lyrics:
"(God) the teachers are representing You so badly, Jah forgive us for representing You so badly, so badly"
Agreed, Massive Attack. We represent God as Christians so badly and we think that the world hates us because of the prophecy of Christ. "When the world hates you, remember that it hated me first." The world does not hate Christianity because it shines with the light and love of Christ. The world hates Christianity because it is the overbearing parent who is always yelling and saying just what you should and shouldn't do. We shouldn't be encouraged because we're hated right now. We've got alot of work to do on the interior before we are hated for the right reasons. But we are on a turning point. There is a new foundation being laid in the hearts of the new generations. There is a revival in the making where we will return to the church which is spoken of in the New Testament. We will return to a focus on a life in persuite of the Love of Christ. It is only a matter of time. Let us pray though that God will use the evil among us for good. Let us pray that we continue to proceed through the muck of our current situation and not lay stagnant. Peace and love.
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
It Carries
Lack of sleep plus exuberant amounts of heat during the day added to strenuous labor equals a very tired, very confused, very uncordinated Nathan. I must say that I'm quite glad that I only have a week more of this before I go back to school. I can't complain about the pay, but the hours and the heat wear a guy out!
My concentrations as of late have been a bit mixed. I feel drawn to thoughts about failed relationships and who I need to be, but I find those to be a waste of time most of the time. I never really solve any of my problems delved in thoughts like that. Most of the time I just stumble upon truths that I would have rather remained ignorant to. But I also find myself at a new disatisfaction with my relationship with Christ. These disatisfactions more often than not proove to be healthy though. At these points in my life I realize new things that have been apart of me that must be put off, and for the better. The main theme for me, atleast for this year, has been discipline. I feel that if I can discipline my everyday structure in all aspects of life, I will be better equiped to face the stormy spiritual seas. I need to be firm in my principles and love. I need to not waver every time confrontation rears it's hideous head. I need to be able to deal with my emotions instead of hiding them away all the time. Those are my main concerns. Those are the things that I feel are in the way of me seeing Christ clearly. I cater them and I let them distract me. I must discipline myself to defeat them but still keep my character... That could be tuff.
Anyways, another hot day tomorrow. Oh please let it rain! Peace and love.
My concentrations as of late have been a bit mixed. I feel drawn to thoughts about failed relationships and who I need to be, but I find those to be a waste of time most of the time. I never really solve any of my problems delved in thoughts like that. Most of the time I just stumble upon truths that I would have rather remained ignorant to. But I also find myself at a new disatisfaction with my relationship with Christ. These disatisfactions more often than not proove to be healthy though. At these points in my life I realize new things that have been apart of me that must be put off, and for the better. The main theme for me, atleast for this year, has been discipline. I feel that if I can discipline my everyday structure in all aspects of life, I will be better equiped to face the stormy spiritual seas. I need to be firm in my principles and love. I need to not waver every time confrontation rears it's hideous head. I need to be able to deal with my emotions instead of hiding them away all the time. Those are my main concerns. Those are the things that I feel are in the way of me seeing Christ clearly. I cater them and I let them distract me. I must discipline myself to defeat them but still keep my character... That could be tuff.
Anyways, another hot day tomorrow. Oh please let it rain! Peace and love.
Sunday, July 24, 2005
The Weekend
I'm so tired right now, but that's only a result of a fabulous weekend. Clayton came up from Durham to visit for the weekend which was nice. We also ended up going to Carowinds on Saturday with the Wongs. That was cool because I got to ride all of the rollercoasters that I used to have a phobia of when I was younger. I love rollercoasters now. But let me tell you... Walking around a themepark for nine hours on a 92 degree day is not exactly "taking it easy". I'm so tired from that, but it was really fun.
Today was interesting. I was having mixed emotions I guess, and you all know that I only get emotional about one thing. I ran into the girl this morning that I had such high hopes for during this summer. I was hoping for this amazing friendship that maybe a few years down the road might yeild something else. Maybe I should re-word that. I wanted companionship without the pressure. Maybe I should re-word that. I wanted companionship without the potential of being hurt. But it has taken me so long to get over her. Right now, even though I still long to meet my lifelong companion, I desire peace above all else. I am tired of fighting wars for women who pretend to but, in all reality, could care less. I would much rather save my sweat and blood for one woman who does care, wherever she is.
But this whole subject started with the comment of a pre-teen who evidently is very good friends of my first girlfriend's brother. By the way, my first girlfriend is married and lives in Las Vegas. He tole me that that's how he knew of me. He even called me out by name. He then told me that he knew all about me through this guy. That means he knows alot about who I was five years ago. Those were my darker days I must admit, and it really bothered me that that's all he knew about me, but those are consequences of bad decisions. But I was also explaining to Grant and Heather my last relationship from this past year and what I had learned from it along with my discouragements.
Being around them or being around Biran and Mary gives me encouragement that if I could only find the right girl, I could have as happy of a relationship as they do. I am confident that this will come to pass some day, but I still don't feel comfortable thinking about it. I'm just too closed at heart. I've spent so much time on this journal alone just erasing paragraphs that I felt exposed too much of my emotional side. I either need to a.) work on altering that aspect of myself, or b.) find a girl who is fine with that, but who i also might feel comfortable sharing with. That would be cool. But for now I am going to work on forgetting about all of this. I have work tomorrow. That is a focal point. I have a festival to plan. That is a focal point. I have a worship service to organize for next Sunday. That is a focal point. I have much to focus on to keep me busy and out of areas in my mind where I shouldn't be.
Work will be hot tomorrow though as it will reach temperatures of 105+ degrees. Pray for me because I'm going to need it. This place has no airconditioning. Also pray for anyone in the roofing business as they have it much harder than I do. Peace and love.
Today was interesting. I was having mixed emotions I guess, and you all know that I only get emotional about one thing. I ran into the girl this morning that I had such high hopes for during this summer. I was hoping for this amazing friendship that maybe a few years down the road might yeild something else. Maybe I should re-word that. I wanted companionship without the pressure. Maybe I should re-word that. I wanted companionship without the potential of being hurt. But it has taken me so long to get over her. Right now, even though I still long to meet my lifelong companion, I desire peace above all else. I am tired of fighting wars for women who pretend to but, in all reality, could care less. I would much rather save my sweat and blood for one woman who does care, wherever she is.
But this whole subject started with the comment of a pre-teen who evidently is very good friends of my first girlfriend's brother. By the way, my first girlfriend is married and lives in Las Vegas. He tole me that that's how he knew of me. He even called me out by name. He then told me that he knew all about me through this guy. That means he knows alot about who I was five years ago. Those were my darker days I must admit, and it really bothered me that that's all he knew about me, but those are consequences of bad decisions. But I was also explaining to Grant and Heather my last relationship from this past year and what I had learned from it along with my discouragements.
Being around them or being around Biran and Mary gives me encouragement that if I could only find the right girl, I could have as happy of a relationship as they do. I am confident that this will come to pass some day, but I still don't feel comfortable thinking about it. I'm just too closed at heart. I've spent so much time on this journal alone just erasing paragraphs that I felt exposed too much of my emotional side. I either need to a.) work on altering that aspect of myself, or b.) find a girl who is fine with that, but who i also might feel comfortable sharing with. That would be cool. But for now I am going to work on forgetting about all of this. I have work tomorrow. That is a focal point. I have a festival to plan. That is a focal point. I have a worship service to organize for next Sunday. That is a focal point. I have much to focus on to keep me busy and out of areas in my mind where I shouldn't be.
Work will be hot tomorrow though as it will reach temperatures of 105+ degrees. Pray for me because I'm going to need it. This place has no airconditioning. Also pray for anyone in the roofing business as they have it much harder than I do. Peace and love.
Thursday, July 21, 2005
Weirder Things Have Happened
So right now I am in the midst of planning a festival with bands and vendors and stuff. I have a month to pull it off and if it is successful it will be my greatest administrative achievement yet. It has been fun thus far... planning and getting things pulled together, but right now I am still at the very first stages. There isn't much structure to it. I still need to find some sound equipment and a small stage, as well as book two more bands. This won't be easy I fear, but I'm going to give it my best.
Tonight was weird though. I walked in to Liberty Steak House and some guy was setting up for live music. He turned to me and asked me if I played the guitar. Naturally I said yes, and he asked me if I would play with him. So I said sure, and it ended up being a pretty good time. I winded up getting to play some of my own stuff and the crowd was pretty responsive. That was encouraging.
But right now I still have alot of planning to do. I also need to get some sleep, so I'll be letting everybody know how things go. Peace and Love.
Tonight was weird though. I walked in to Liberty Steak House and some guy was setting up for live music. He turned to me and asked me if I played the guitar. Naturally I said yes, and he asked me if I would play with him. So I said sure, and it ended up being a pretty good time. I winded up getting to play some of my own stuff and the crowd was pretty responsive. That was encouraging.
But right now I still have alot of planning to do. I also need to get some sleep, so I'll be letting everybody know how things go. Peace and Love.
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
Ideas
I've discovered why it has been so hard for me to sleep as of late. I have so many ideas about programs and high expectations for this year's residents that my head is exploding. I want it to be known without a doubt that Pembroke Hall is the best dorm on campus. I want everyone to envy living there. I want the legacy to continue and I have just the plan. As for working out the plans, I'd say that is more of the reason for the loss of sleep. I'm not quite sure how I will work everything out, but I feel convinced that I can do it with the help of the other RA's.
As for work, it is hard, but I am learning everything I hoped to learn about money this summer. With more money comes more planning. The more necessary money is, the more prepared and wise you must be to handle it. But as for work, I do not so much dread going in to work in the morning as much as I dread 7:00am. Karl says that 7:00 has "angry eyes", and I believe him. I must admit though that even in the midst of learning a great deal about God, relationships, and money management this summer... I have learned nothing about sleep management. I don't think it is something that I am quite ready to sacrifice yet. I think I shall have to be conquered by a woman before that happens, and as things are now... that could be quite some time.
But general life right now is of contentment. Sure I have alot to look forward to, but sometimes it is best to sit back and think about the good things that are in the room with you rather than the experiences you will soon have just outside the door. I am content, yes, but at the same time I am ready to face new challenges. I have realized more and more for the past few days that I am a man who seeks adventure. I want to take challenges head on and find a way to solve them by myself. The "by myself" part has prooved to be a bit of a problem. I am too much of an isolationist when it comes to personal problems. I don't like advice or help from anyone. That will also be something that I fear will only change when I am conquered by a woman.
Let me clarify that statment. I do not say that in the sense that I will be "whipped". I am merely stating the fact that when a man finds the woman who he is most compatable with, he will do some changing, mostly for the better. He is a blade while she simultaneously works as a mill stone and a sheith. He will become both sharper and more controlled by her side. They will work together to sharpen eachother, or as Proverbs better puts it, "Iron sharpens iron."
I shall now go to bed early and enjoy my relaxed state. I get payed tomorrow which is nice, but I also have a great night's sleep to look forward to at the present, which seems even more worth while. As for helping with sports camp at church this week... things have been sparse and slow, but enjoyable. I do not know if my assistance is required tomorrow, but through this I am learning how to better be a servant, even in uncomfortable environments. Hey, atleast I'm getting to do what I've been trained to do (alot of audio and technical work). That's cool. But for now I bid you adue. Peace and love.
As for work, it is hard, but I am learning everything I hoped to learn about money this summer. With more money comes more planning. The more necessary money is, the more prepared and wise you must be to handle it. But as for work, I do not so much dread going in to work in the morning as much as I dread 7:00am. Karl says that 7:00 has "angry eyes", and I believe him. I must admit though that even in the midst of learning a great deal about God, relationships, and money management this summer... I have learned nothing about sleep management. I don't think it is something that I am quite ready to sacrifice yet. I think I shall have to be conquered by a woman before that happens, and as things are now... that could be quite some time.
But general life right now is of contentment. Sure I have alot to look forward to, but sometimes it is best to sit back and think about the good things that are in the room with you rather than the experiences you will soon have just outside the door. I am content, yes, but at the same time I am ready to face new challenges. I have realized more and more for the past few days that I am a man who seeks adventure. I want to take challenges head on and find a way to solve them by myself. The "by myself" part has prooved to be a bit of a problem. I am too much of an isolationist when it comes to personal problems. I don't like advice or help from anyone. That will also be something that I fear will only change when I am conquered by a woman.
Let me clarify that statment. I do not say that in the sense that I will be "whipped". I am merely stating the fact that when a man finds the woman who he is most compatable with, he will do some changing, mostly for the better. He is a blade while she simultaneously works as a mill stone and a sheith. He will become both sharper and more controlled by her side. They will work together to sharpen eachother, or as Proverbs better puts it, "Iron sharpens iron."
I shall now go to bed early and enjoy my relaxed state. I get payed tomorrow which is nice, but I also have a great night's sleep to look forward to at the present, which seems even more worth while. As for helping with sports camp at church this week... things have been sparse and slow, but enjoyable. I do not know if my assistance is required tomorrow, but through this I am learning how to better be a servant, even in uncomfortable environments. Hey, atleast I'm getting to do what I've been trained to do (alot of audio and technical work). That's cool. But for now I bid you adue. Peace and love.
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
Unexpected Difficulties
Today was a rough day. It was one of those days where you expect the difficulty to pay off and something amazing to happen, but it never does. I worked harder today than I ever have before. It was 94 degrees in the warehouse and I was drenched in sweat. But I like that. I like being dirty and taking challenges head on. I like being able to say "Yeah I can.", probably a mentality that sprang from being the runt of the litter. No one ever thought I could do anything larger than my stature when I was growing up. Now, whenever anyone says that I can't, it's almost like a fire that burns my determination even hotter. It's a character trait that has given me many opportunities, but can also hinder me just as easily if left undisciplined and undirected.
As for the rest of the day, I thought things would have gone better than they actually did. I got home and already had a list of things to do in place of my nap, but I got them done and tried to sleep, but sleep has been difficult lately. I'm so tired but I can't sleep at all. When I woke up I went to church to volunteer with sports camp with the kids, but they didn't really need me after all. It was then that things began to cloud over. I talked with someone who I placed trust in, and I felt that that trust had been breeched. I got that vibe where you feel like a bunch of people know something that you don't, and they're all just watching you stumble around in the dark without throwing you a line. I suppose he had every right to break that trust. There are, after all, very few exceptions to why someone should break trust, but this would have met that category. I just feel outstandingly rejected and foolish. I feel sometimes that I give the human race too much credit. I put too much trust in them and have too naive a standard. I feel that if I ask someone to be honest with me... well then why not? Oh well... it is of little consequence. There are things there that I will never understand and they are better off left behind me as I move from this place to the next.
Maybe today was metaphorical. I had to lift so many heavy boxes and I sweat so much while in my spiritual life I am having to lift so many heavy things right now and I'm so exhausted. But it will continue onward and I will be crafted into a stronger man both physically and spiritually. Remember that life never gets easier, God just continuously better equips you to deal with it. If anything I have learned this year it is that loosing love hurts. Walking away from Phill's casket hurt more than a thousand burdons. But there is no need to feel continuous pain over love lost. Instead be thankful for the time you shared and be greatful for those who you still have.
I don't have much more to say. My mind is quite blurred right now. I have made very little sense of the day. Peace and love.
As for the rest of the day, I thought things would have gone better than they actually did. I got home and already had a list of things to do in place of my nap, but I got them done and tried to sleep, but sleep has been difficult lately. I'm so tired but I can't sleep at all. When I woke up I went to church to volunteer with sports camp with the kids, but they didn't really need me after all. It was then that things began to cloud over. I talked with someone who I placed trust in, and I felt that that trust had been breeched. I got that vibe where you feel like a bunch of people know something that you don't, and they're all just watching you stumble around in the dark without throwing you a line. I suppose he had every right to break that trust. There are, after all, very few exceptions to why someone should break trust, but this would have met that category. I just feel outstandingly rejected and foolish. I feel sometimes that I give the human race too much credit. I put too much trust in them and have too naive a standard. I feel that if I ask someone to be honest with me... well then why not? Oh well... it is of little consequence. There are things there that I will never understand and they are better off left behind me as I move from this place to the next.
Maybe today was metaphorical. I had to lift so many heavy boxes and I sweat so much while in my spiritual life I am having to lift so many heavy things right now and I'm so exhausted. But it will continue onward and I will be crafted into a stronger man both physically and spiritually. Remember that life never gets easier, God just continuously better equips you to deal with it. If anything I have learned this year it is that loosing love hurts. Walking away from Phill's casket hurt more than a thousand burdons. But there is no need to feel continuous pain over love lost. Instead be thankful for the time you shared and be greatful for those who you still have.
I don't have much more to say. My mind is quite blurred right now. I have made very little sense of the day. Peace and love.
Sunday, July 17, 2005
Beautiful Sunday
Another beautiful Sunday has graced me with its presence. These are the experiences that I will look back on in the future and wish for. These are the times that will mean the most to me on my death bed. Fellowship... I feel so alive right now and so relaxed. I could write or read, but I'd rather stay here where I am.
Tomorrow will bring work and I will do it to the best of my ability. I will experience new sensations and learn more about myself each day. I will rise in the morning and fall at night. I will stand in awe of creation at the sunset and the stars in an unpoluted rural skyline. But I will be at peace tonight. Peace and love.
Tomorrow will bring work and I will do it to the best of my ability. I will experience new sensations and learn more about myself each day. I will rise in the morning and fall at night. I will stand in awe of creation at the sunset and the stars in an unpoluted rural skyline. But I will be at peace tonight. Peace and love.
Saturday, July 16, 2005
Warm/Cold
Can I wholly express how I feel right now? I've had a real hard time with that lately, but I might as well write this journal in attempts. I find it healthy to write even if I can't express what I have to say. It's a means by which I release the ever building pressure from my mind. Some people cry, but I write. Sometimes I wish I could cry whenever I wanted to. I think how much better I'd feel about something if I were able to cry, but I just can't. I can't even force myself to.
Today was one of those days where I just felt like it would be nice if I could just randomly start crying. Maybe I could explain it best like this (knowing just how much I LOVE using metaphors). When someone is severely lacerated to where they have to have stitches, they have to wait until they completely heal, being careful and slow. Well I don't have the leasure of being careful and slow in my life right now, and I keep re-opening these previous wounds. Much of my time today was spent thinking about Phillip. I miss him so much. I look at younger kids who are the age of Phillip, Brandon, Brian, and I when we all first met and established a life-long friendship, and I think "MAN that was a long time ago!" But I consider myself blessed to even have such a friendship. Not many people who travel through life are privilaged to have relationships NEAR as good as ours. But Phillip was taken so early and so unexpectedly. Just to the left of me is a picture of he, Brandon, and I standing in the parkinglot of Belmont my freshman year when they came to visit me from Taylor. Why... How... Those are not safe questions for me to ask.
But then I got to thinking, attached to that, that High Point, NC, is not my home anymore. There is an emptyness to it that is strange to me. I grew up in this town and everything should be familiar to me, but every time I leave so much changes, especially my relationships. I work with Brandon this summer which is nice, but he is not going to be coming back next summer. Brian is already moved away, probably permanently, to Arizona with the girl of his dreams. Andy is also gone, living in the mountains for this summer. What would I do for just one day back when things were familiar and comfortable? Back when we all were together and alive? But I have new friends at school who care for me and miss me. They call me often and tell me how much they miss me which is not something I'm familiar with but it makes me feel pretty good. They care for me even though they don't know near as much about me as the four from High Point. I can't wait to get back there to them and share stories of summer over a drink and mabye a fine cigar. I look forward to that day.
My heart has also been burdoned with loneliness. I wonder if I even have a soul mate out there who shares my same ideals and ambitions, who would be capable and willing to tug my load, who would be a great strength to me spiritually. I am always afraid that I'll just settle for mediocre because I won't find someone who is completely compatable with me. I don't want that to happen. I want love to be what I've always immagined it would be; something spectacular and epic. I believe that is the way God intended it to be. But I don't want it to be like everything else in this world. I don't want it to get old and boring like a new car. That's not love, that's just novelty.
This town is full of bad memories of failed love. What used to be one of the reasons why I came home this summer, is now one of the reasons why I would gladly leave tomorrow morning if I had the chance. And I feel like such a fool, a fool for two reasons. First off I feel the fool to believe her AGAIN that she wanted to be friends. Maybe she does, I don't know, but if this is what she considers friendship, then I am greatful that I am not her enemy. The second reason is that I actually believed that I had enough control over my feelings to maintain a friendship with her. I may have done alot of growing up over the past few years, but that might take more strength than most men are capable of. But I'm TIRED of making relationships work off of my own energy. No woman I have ever had a relationship with has EVER put anything into me. They just suck me dry and move on. It must be female nature. Look at the praying mantis or the black widdow or the mosquito. The mantis uses the male and then cuts his head off. The black widdow uses the male and then eats him. The mosquito is just a blood sucker! I guess there are just alot of people out there (male and female alike) who seek relationships to make themselves feel comfortable. They don't want the responsibility, they just want the good parts of it. That used to be me, but times are changing, responsibilities are ever more present, and the reason for having a partner is ever clear. I know God has it taken care of, but that still doesn't change my lonely feeling.
So pretty much I'm tired of sitting down. I want to move on and find new things. I want to have adventure. I want to share that adventure with someone. I want to have the opportunity to be a man and be bold, but that opportunity doesn't seem to reveal itself too often around here. And even though some metaphorical stitches ripped in my soul, they should soon heal. I still feel bright and somewhat resilliant. Tomorrow might even be somewhat of a turning point, who knows.
Today was one of those days where I just felt like it would be nice if I could just randomly start crying. Maybe I could explain it best like this (knowing just how much I LOVE using metaphors). When someone is severely lacerated to where they have to have stitches, they have to wait until they completely heal, being careful and slow. Well I don't have the leasure of being careful and slow in my life right now, and I keep re-opening these previous wounds. Much of my time today was spent thinking about Phillip. I miss him so much. I look at younger kids who are the age of Phillip, Brandon, Brian, and I when we all first met and established a life-long friendship, and I think "MAN that was a long time ago!" But I consider myself blessed to even have such a friendship. Not many people who travel through life are privilaged to have relationships NEAR as good as ours. But Phillip was taken so early and so unexpectedly. Just to the left of me is a picture of he, Brandon, and I standing in the parkinglot of Belmont my freshman year when they came to visit me from Taylor. Why... How... Those are not safe questions for me to ask.
But then I got to thinking, attached to that, that High Point, NC, is not my home anymore. There is an emptyness to it that is strange to me. I grew up in this town and everything should be familiar to me, but every time I leave so much changes, especially my relationships. I work with Brandon this summer which is nice, but he is not going to be coming back next summer. Brian is already moved away, probably permanently, to Arizona with the girl of his dreams. Andy is also gone, living in the mountains for this summer. What would I do for just one day back when things were familiar and comfortable? Back when we all were together and alive? But I have new friends at school who care for me and miss me. They call me often and tell me how much they miss me which is not something I'm familiar with but it makes me feel pretty good. They care for me even though they don't know near as much about me as the four from High Point. I can't wait to get back there to them and share stories of summer over a drink and mabye a fine cigar. I look forward to that day.
My heart has also been burdoned with loneliness. I wonder if I even have a soul mate out there who shares my same ideals and ambitions, who would be capable and willing to tug my load, who would be a great strength to me spiritually. I am always afraid that I'll just settle for mediocre because I won't find someone who is completely compatable with me. I don't want that to happen. I want love to be what I've always immagined it would be; something spectacular and epic. I believe that is the way God intended it to be. But I don't want it to be like everything else in this world. I don't want it to get old and boring like a new car. That's not love, that's just novelty.
This town is full of bad memories of failed love. What used to be one of the reasons why I came home this summer, is now one of the reasons why I would gladly leave tomorrow morning if I had the chance. And I feel like such a fool, a fool for two reasons. First off I feel the fool to believe her AGAIN that she wanted to be friends. Maybe she does, I don't know, but if this is what she considers friendship, then I am greatful that I am not her enemy. The second reason is that I actually believed that I had enough control over my feelings to maintain a friendship with her. I may have done alot of growing up over the past few years, but that might take more strength than most men are capable of. But I'm TIRED of making relationships work off of my own energy. No woman I have ever had a relationship with has EVER put anything into me. They just suck me dry and move on. It must be female nature. Look at the praying mantis or the black widdow or the mosquito. The mantis uses the male and then cuts his head off. The black widdow uses the male and then eats him. The mosquito is just a blood sucker! I guess there are just alot of people out there (male and female alike) who seek relationships to make themselves feel comfortable. They don't want the responsibility, they just want the good parts of it. That used to be me, but times are changing, responsibilities are ever more present, and the reason for having a partner is ever clear. I know God has it taken care of, but that still doesn't change my lonely feeling.
So pretty much I'm tired of sitting down. I want to move on and find new things. I want to have adventure. I want to share that adventure with someone. I want to have the opportunity to be a man and be bold, but that opportunity doesn't seem to reveal itself too often around here. And even though some metaphorical stitches ripped in my soul, they should soon heal. I still feel bright and somewhat resilliant. Tomorrow might even be somewhat of a turning point, who knows.
Thursday, July 14, 2005
Short and Sweet
gotta go to bed!!!
new cd's: Portishead, Cold Play
pay day!!!
pay bills tomorrow:(
soar from 130lbs box lifting today... more tomorrow
movie with: Brandon "Man on Fire" rating: good
discoveries: messed up headlight on car... how'd that get there? ALSO puttin on more muscle from work... yay for hard work!
desires: more sleep, more inspiration, more spiritual wisdom and self control, to go camping this weekend or to the beach (live in NC so both are a possibility), high speed internet instead of dial up...
crazy of the day: City Lake Pool employee informed me that half of staff left and girl partially drowned w/ one guard injured.
word of the day: cantankerous? why cantankerous?
Bless you and your endevors. Peace and love
new cd's: Portishead, Cold Play
pay day!!!
pay bills tomorrow:(
soar from 130lbs box lifting today... more tomorrow
movie with: Brandon "Man on Fire" rating: good
discoveries: messed up headlight on car... how'd that get there? ALSO puttin on more muscle from work... yay for hard work!
desires: more sleep, more inspiration, more spiritual wisdom and self control, to go camping this weekend or to the beach (live in NC so both are a possibility), high speed internet instead of dial up...
crazy of the day: City Lake Pool employee informed me that half of staff left and girl partially drowned w/ one guard injured.
word of the day: cantankerous? why cantankerous?
Bless you and your endevors. Peace and love
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
Poetic
I've been feeling rather poetic today for one reason or another. Maybe it was all of the various different styles of music I was listening to while at work. I sometimes hear music that gets me slightly riled because " well why didn't I think of that?" The song usually descirbes perfectly how I feel, but I just didn't have the right words.
In my poetic mood I started thinking. I was in love once, but now I've grown too tired. I'm tired of thinking about love. It's too exhausting to love someone with nothing in return, not even friendship that they said they would give you. I waited around for that for a few weeks but I could tell that that train wasn't going anywhere. The best way I can describ it is trying to get to a beautiful place far far away on a tredmill. You'll break a sweat but you won't get very far. I've been runing for about four years now... and I think I'm ready to get off. I'm sure it will feel weird, sorta like getting off of a real tredmill and then trying to walk, but I just have to. But I just realized how foolish I must look. I bet it does look like some guy running on a tredmill on the side of the highway. Whatever though, I'm done.
For the rest of the day I plan on catching up on priorities and sleep before I go out tonight. I want to be relaxed and I don't want to have to think about a single assigment. I want to leave work at work, money in the bank, and my concerns in God's hands. I still feel pretty good right now though. I'm still excited to go back to school. I almost want to go back early, but I doubt I can. That's cool I guess. The day will come eventually. Peace and love.
In my poetic mood I started thinking. I was in love once, but now I've grown too tired. I'm tired of thinking about love. It's too exhausting to love someone with nothing in return, not even friendship that they said they would give you. I waited around for that for a few weeks but I could tell that that train wasn't going anywhere. The best way I can describ it is trying to get to a beautiful place far far away on a tredmill. You'll break a sweat but you won't get very far. I've been runing for about four years now... and I think I'm ready to get off. I'm sure it will feel weird, sorta like getting off of a real tredmill and then trying to walk, but I just have to. But I just realized how foolish I must look. I bet it does look like some guy running on a tredmill on the side of the highway. Whatever though, I'm done.
For the rest of the day I plan on catching up on priorities and sleep before I go out tonight. I want to be relaxed and I don't want to have to think about a single assigment. I want to leave work at work, money in the bank, and my concerns in God's hands. I still feel pretty good right now though. I'm still excited to go back to school. I almost want to go back early, but I doubt I can. That's cool I guess. The day will come eventually. Peace and love.
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Learn to Sleep
I've got to sleep. Last night I payed a high price for staying up late. I was so incapacitated at work today it was rediculous. I didn't work a full day though. I had to go to church and get the details worked out for the 31st. On that day I will be leading worship for the church service, and I'm probably going to end up doing it alone. Nobody seems available this summer to do anything, but that's cool. I'm prepared to do it alone. While I was there I recorded a rough draft of my new song. It was good to put together, but I was limited to my resources so it didn't sound fabulous. I'm excited to play it for the church though. It's been almost five years since I last had the opportunity to play one of my own songs for the church.
Tonight I plan on hitting the pillow a little earlier. I was out not too long with the Hengevelds again at Liberty. The kids were there and the boys wanted to play slaps with me. I played both of them for an hour and ten minutes. They were resilliant, but i'm almost twice their age so there wasn't much competition for me. I considered it more of a training for them, but after that period of time ran out, I was tired and wanted to go home while Luke wanted to hang on for another 5 minutes. I hit him twice full strength and he was done after that. I often times put myself in the shoes of kids like that. I remember how I felt when people my age payed attention to me. I felt special. I assure you this though. Those guys are now the best. If they could stay in the ring with me for 30 minutes of constant and hard slapping, then they should be fine among their peers. It gives me a sense of satisfaction. I think I will take Dave Annan up on the invitation to help with sports camp next week. I remember the first youth activity I ever did at my church was sports camp. I remember looking up to the guys who were leading it that were my age now at the time. I'm only good at fighting and swimming which aren't really any of the options for camp, but I'll do my best.
Anyways, I'm out for the night folks. Live richly in Christ and his blessings. Focus on him and not yourself. Learn to be satisfied in everything. Peace and love.
Tonight I plan on hitting the pillow a little earlier. I was out not too long with the Hengevelds again at Liberty. The kids were there and the boys wanted to play slaps with me. I played both of them for an hour and ten minutes. They were resilliant, but i'm almost twice their age so there wasn't much competition for me. I considered it more of a training for them, but after that period of time ran out, I was tired and wanted to go home while Luke wanted to hang on for another 5 minutes. I hit him twice full strength and he was done after that. I often times put myself in the shoes of kids like that. I remember how I felt when people my age payed attention to me. I felt special. I assure you this though. Those guys are now the best. If they could stay in the ring with me for 30 minutes of constant and hard slapping, then they should be fine among their peers. It gives me a sense of satisfaction. I think I will take Dave Annan up on the invitation to help with sports camp next week. I remember the first youth activity I ever did at my church was sports camp. I remember looking up to the guys who were leading it that were my age now at the time. I'm only good at fighting and swimming which aren't really any of the options for camp, but I'll do my best.
Anyways, I'm out for the night folks. Live richly in Christ and his blessings. Focus on him and not yourself. Learn to be satisfied in everything. Peace and love.
Monday, July 11, 2005
Work, Play, n Stuff
Having work makes me feel good even though it is hard. I like to sweat and lift heavy things, and I like to be occupied instead of just mulling around all day. The advantages of a warehouse job is that I am given a task and I perform it systematically. This means I don't have to interact with like a billion people and I get time to have peace of mind and think about higher things. I LOVE that kind of work.
After work I had several things planned, but they were gracefully interrupted by something much better. My friend and brother Luther Schrum called me up. I haven't gotten to spend much time with him since Phillip. But it was good. He wanted to read me something that Phillip had written down right before he left for the last jog. It was Joel 3:12-13. I asked Luther what he thought it meant and then he asked me what I thought it meant. We had a good deep discussion which is something I really enjoy. We also talked about missions and his and my trip to Africa. That guy has an amazing level of spiritual maturity and I was honored that he would share something like that with me. He even payed for my dinner! We ate Thai! Matt did you hear that? We ate Thai!
After that I went to see Fantastic Four with Luther, Brandon, and Katherine. I won't tell you what I thought of it. I don't play that game. But all in all it was a great day. Things are picking up for me. I'm feeling positive and just happy to breath air I guess. Relaxed is a good word to use. I find that I function better when I'm completely relaxed and not worried even about things that I should be worried about. I can think more clearly. I totally want to go to the beach now that I think about it. That was random, but the whole relaxed shpeal got me thinking about my favorite place which is the beach. I might just go camp there for a night or two... Somethin fun and unplanned like that... Gotta make money though and speaking of which, i gotta go to bed so I can get up early and do just that. Peace and love.
After work I had several things planned, but they were gracefully interrupted by something much better. My friend and brother Luther Schrum called me up. I haven't gotten to spend much time with him since Phillip. But it was good. He wanted to read me something that Phillip had written down right before he left for the last jog. It was Joel 3:12-13. I asked Luther what he thought it meant and then he asked me what I thought it meant. We had a good deep discussion which is something I really enjoy. We also talked about missions and his and my trip to Africa. That guy has an amazing level of spiritual maturity and I was honored that he would share something like that with me. He even payed for my dinner! We ate Thai! Matt did you hear that? We ate Thai!
After that I went to see Fantastic Four with Luther, Brandon, and Katherine. I won't tell you what I thought of it. I don't play that game. But all in all it was a great day. Things are picking up for me. I'm feeling positive and just happy to breath air I guess. Relaxed is a good word to use. I find that I function better when I'm completely relaxed and not worried even about things that I should be worried about. I can think more clearly. I totally want to go to the beach now that I think about it. That was random, but the whole relaxed shpeal got me thinking about my favorite place which is the beach. I might just go camp there for a night or two... Somethin fun and unplanned like that... Gotta make money though and speaking of which, i gotta go to bed so I can get up early and do just that. Peace and love.
Sunday, July 10, 2005
Lazy Day Sunday
Today was amazing and just what I needed to start off the week with. I feel incredibly... well... new. I enjoyed the message this morning about Christian focus and to remember not to point fingers or be legalistic. See, legalism only comes from men looking at other men. If men focused on God, it would be apparent that we all fall short in our every day lives because there is no man equal to God here on earth. This is a subject near and dear to my heart, and though I do not have the God-given authority to dictate the focus of the church, I do believe that if this focal point, among many, were met, then the church would see more abundant fruit.
Along with this I believe that the church should draw itself back to the ideals of the original Biblical church instead of curbing it towards culture. I agree completely with Derek Web when he said that the church doesn't have to be dressed in culture's cloths. She'll reach the people fine on her own. The scripture speaks of a church that was so much more community oriented than the present church. Churches shared everything, even personal posessions, with all of their members as a community. What is more, the church does not have to focus so much on culture if its eyes are completely on God. Afterall, God can do much more to increase the congregation size with quality AND quantity than can a snazzy power point presentation or a multi-million dollar sound system. I'm not saying the church should be constructed only out of wood and everyone should wear robes and sack cloth or anything to that extreme. I'm just saying that modernization can be misleading and a distraction for a church body. Simply take caution.
Finally, the third thing that I pray would change among the church is the prioritization of evangelism. The church congregation was not meant to be the point of evangelism, but a place of cultivation of believers. When a church focuses too much on bringing the unsaved through the doors, it neglects the current members, failing to feed them more than spiritual milk for the entire duration of their Christian lives. Internal should be cultivation, and when they walk out the door, they would better be prepared to evangelize. Quality not quantity. A side-effect of this would be alot less sermons on evangelism. Evangelism is not a conscious effort but a side-effect of a God persuing lifestyle. Let me say, before you read on, that this is a very sensative subject as I do not completely understand how God moves. His means of evangelism are broad and beyond my understanding, but I personally do not believe that we are to go out and hunt down non-Christians and then slam them in the face with the news. But here's a though. Shouldn't we always be vigil for regions that have never heard the gospel? I'd have to say yes to that. But it's all about delivery. I believe that man is to focus completely on Christ, therefore making his life a constant and brilliant living testamony of the gospel that would draw others as a result. I know that alot of Christians feel burdoned and guilty that they do not find people every day and tell them about Christ. This is not to say that they shouldn't, but more to say that they are focusing on the wrong aspects of their walk. The closer they are in their walk with Christ, or maybe better said, the more Christ-like they become, the more natural evangelism will become and the more prepared they will be to share the truth accurately.
Anyways, that is how I feel about the state of the church. It's future is not bleak but brilliant, and I believe that God will continue to mold it to his immage whether that be something similar to how I feel or whether it be completely different. But above all else I ask you not to take what I write here as a teaching. This is a journal and I merely write the thougths of my mind and heart here. They may not be accurate and you should consult someone spiritually wise and trustworthy before you grab on to what I'm chewing.
So the rest of the day... I went with Grant and Heather to a pizza place and then back to his house for a relaxing day of swimming. We then went to the Ghana picture swap where I received this picture:
Along with this I believe that the church should draw itself back to the ideals of the original Biblical church instead of curbing it towards culture. I agree completely with Derek Web when he said that the church doesn't have to be dressed in culture's cloths. She'll reach the people fine on her own. The scripture speaks of a church that was so much more community oriented than the present church. Churches shared everything, even personal posessions, with all of their members as a community. What is more, the church does not have to focus so much on culture if its eyes are completely on God. Afterall, God can do much more to increase the congregation size with quality AND quantity than can a snazzy power point presentation or a multi-million dollar sound system. I'm not saying the church should be constructed only out of wood and everyone should wear robes and sack cloth or anything to that extreme. I'm just saying that modernization can be misleading and a distraction for a church body. Simply take caution.
Finally, the third thing that I pray would change among the church is the prioritization of evangelism. The church congregation was not meant to be the point of evangelism, but a place of cultivation of believers. When a church focuses too much on bringing the unsaved through the doors, it neglects the current members, failing to feed them more than spiritual milk for the entire duration of their Christian lives. Internal should be cultivation, and when they walk out the door, they would better be prepared to evangelize. Quality not quantity. A side-effect of this would be alot less sermons on evangelism. Evangelism is not a conscious effort but a side-effect of a God persuing lifestyle. Let me say, before you read on, that this is a very sensative subject as I do not completely understand how God moves. His means of evangelism are broad and beyond my understanding, but I personally do not believe that we are to go out and hunt down non-Christians and then slam them in the face with the news. But here's a though. Shouldn't we always be vigil for regions that have never heard the gospel? I'd have to say yes to that. But it's all about delivery. I believe that man is to focus completely on Christ, therefore making his life a constant and brilliant living testamony of the gospel that would draw others as a result. I know that alot of Christians feel burdoned and guilty that they do not find people every day and tell them about Christ. This is not to say that they shouldn't, but more to say that they are focusing on the wrong aspects of their walk. The closer they are in their walk with Christ, or maybe better said, the more Christ-like they become, the more natural evangelism will become and the more prepared they will be to share the truth accurately.
Anyways, that is how I feel about the state of the church. It's future is not bleak but brilliant, and I believe that God will continue to mold it to his immage whether that be something similar to how I feel or whether it be completely different. But above all else I ask you not to take what I write here as a teaching. This is a journal and I merely write the thougths of my mind and heart here. They may not be accurate and you should consult someone spiritually wise and trustworthy before you grab on to what I'm chewing.
So the rest of the day... I went with Grant and Heather to a pizza place and then back to his house for a relaxing day of swimming. We then went to the Ghana picture swap where I received this picture:
It's a picture that was taken of me in Ghana leading a bunch of villagers to a church with my guitar. It's special to me because it was there that I realized the true power of my gift of music and that I should better train myself to use it for the glory of God rather than for myself. Certainly I do not think it is wrong to write a song to express myself. Those songs bless me. But I want to write songs that can bless other people as well.
In a related topic, my writer's block has crumbled for a while. I wrote two songs in the past six months and both of them were last night. I'm going to try to dedicate more time to writing good music.
Other than that... why am I still up? I've got to get up at 7:00 to get to work, so I'd better go to bed. I'll be sorry tomorrow, but I've got no worries. That is another result of today. I was able to just give God my list of troubles completely and not worry about anything. That is a lesson that I am currently trying to master. Hope you are doing well in your place. Peace and love.
Friday, July 08, 2005
Must Focus Must Focus Must Focus
Ah, what a well earned and relaxing weekend this shall be. I worked so hard today but it was most definitaly satisfying. I'm getting to know the boss-man pretty well and I'm learning how to help out in more practical ways, using higher education and all... Today the work involved inspection of swayed leather chairs looking for certain ones that were covered in mildew. It's a pretty big problem that we hope to get to the bottom of, but this work is much easier on the joints and the muscles as it requires less heavy lifting. I'm building more muscle though, so I'm thankful, also the pay isn't bad either.
After work I slaved away on the computer trying to establish contact with the new incoming freshmen on my hall through facebook. I've gotten responses from several of them, and I'm encouraged that this year will be good. I've noted that several of my new residents are Christians and so I'm thinking about starting a Bible study to help them cope with the changes that they will face in college. Changes that I faced but had very little mentoring to help deal with. Oh, but wait till you hear this. I am a rediculous moron!!! :D There was also this one girl... She's pretty cute, she's a Christian, and she's from Raleigh... but this is me we're talking about. I don't meet girls over the internet... plus, what was it that I promised myself earlier this summer? No dating girls this year? Ah, whatever, it probably wouldn't work anyways. Plus, we all know the freshman girl theory. They're not ready to date until they're juniors. But MAN I've got to learn to focus! I can't turn my attention to every single girl that meets my very strict... very particular... very picky dating criteria... Arrg STOP IT!!! I've learned NOTHING!
Honestly though, I can't take risks right now. I'm in the process, the very difficult process, of learning how to be friends with girls instead of dating the ones that really interest me. I'd learn so much more about them if I would be satisfied with friendship. Plus, I bet that girl thinks I'm a stalker anyways. I did write her a message, which I never do... So we'll probably not get any responses on that line.
After work today was great though. I went to Liberty with Karl's dad and had a few wings and a few beers. We talked about his life before and after marriage, and I shared my concerns on life and my feelings after loosing Phillip. It was good to fellowship. It's always good to fellowship with older people than me. It's interesting to get their perspective on things that I'm going through that they've already been through.
I miss school though. I'm so excited about RA'ing this year and being back with the things I've taken out of this summer. I still haven't been able to reflect totally on the Ghana trip, but I'm getting there. I'm realizing that my spiritual starvation right now isn't just coencidental with my present tolerance of sin. God is not distant from me as I sometimes feel, but I have become distant from him in my indulgances. Once again, I need to be brought back to a point of focus.
I have received so much encouragement this summer in my strengths and my dirction. I feel like all I really need now is a sense of focus. For instance, I've had several people commend my leadership skills as of late. Several people have also noted a characteristic of mine that I never really considered. They agree that I have a peace about me that easily spreads to others that surround me. I never really considered that, but I wouldn't discard it immediately. I'd like to pay closer attention to that possibility. I've also had amazing feedback as a worship leader. I have ministered to people in ways that they have never been ministered to before and I consider myself blessed to have received such a gift. But back to focus. Can you immagine how well refined men would be if they spent time focusing fully on the thing that meant the most to them. What would I be like if I spent all of my time focusing not on women, not on grades, not on entertainment, but on God? An interesting concept with a very attainable answer.
But where do I begin? I must conclude that the answer is discipline. I must come under self discipline in order to gain a more powerful means of focus. I began to develope discipline in my life during last semester, but when Phillip died I became reasonably and excusably distracted. I never really was able to mount back up after that because I felt too strange, like waking up from a world you thought was a dream and realizing that you were conscious in reality for the very first time. Death is a new reality to me that I still haven't finished placing yet. I also have realized more and more how I hide my true feelings away with my pain in an unapproachable cell. New realities that I thought belonged in my life and were comfortably familiar to me, but really had no place at all. This all is an answer to a dream God gave me one night in Ghana. A person I knew and was comfortable with began to rot away and turn into someone that had no business in my affairs. I'd give you more detail, but my friends are waiting for me in the other room. Peace and love.
After work I slaved away on the computer trying to establish contact with the new incoming freshmen on my hall through facebook. I've gotten responses from several of them, and I'm encouraged that this year will be good. I've noted that several of my new residents are Christians and so I'm thinking about starting a Bible study to help them cope with the changes that they will face in college. Changes that I faced but had very little mentoring to help deal with. Oh, but wait till you hear this. I am a rediculous moron!!! :D There was also this one girl... She's pretty cute, she's a Christian, and she's from Raleigh... but this is me we're talking about. I don't meet girls over the internet... plus, what was it that I promised myself earlier this summer? No dating girls this year? Ah, whatever, it probably wouldn't work anyways. Plus, we all know the freshman girl theory. They're not ready to date until they're juniors. But MAN I've got to learn to focus! I can't turn my attention to every single girl that meets my very strict... very particular... very picky dating criteria... Arrg STOP IT!!! I've learned NOTHING!
Honestly though, I can't take risks right now. I'm in the process, the very difficult process, of learning how to be friends with girls instead of dating the ones that really interest me. I'd learn so much more about them if I would be satisfied with friendship. Plus, I bet that girl thinks I'm a stalker anyways. I did write her a message, which I never do... So we'll probably not get any responses on that line.
After work today was great though. I went to Liberty with Karl's dad and had a few wings and a few beers. We talked about his life before and after marriage, and I shared my concerns on life and my feelings after loosing Phillip. It was good to fellowship. It's always good to fellowship with older people than me. It's interesting to get their perspective on things that I'm going through that they've already been through.
I miss school though. I'm so excited about RA'ing this year and being back with the things I've taken out of this summer. I still haven't been able to reflect totally on the Ghana trip, but I'm getting there. I'm realizing that my spiritual starvation right now isn't just coencidental with my present tolerance of sin. God is not distant from me as I sometimes feel, but I have become distant from him in my indulgances. Once again, I need to be brought back to a point of focus.
I have received so much encouragement this summer in my strengths and my dirction. I feel like all I really need now is a sense of focus. For instance, I've had several people commend my leadership skills as of late. Several people have also noted a characteristic of mine that I never really considered. They agree that I have a peace about me that easily spreads to others that surround me. I never really considered that, but I wouldn't discard it immediately. I'd like to pay closer attention to that possibility. I've also had amazing feedback as a worship leader. I have ministered to people in ways that they have never been ministered to before and I consider myself blessed to have received such a gift. But back to focus. Can you immagine how well refined men would be if they spent time focusing fully on the thing that meant the most to them. What would I be like if I spent all of my time focusing not on women, not on grades, not on entertainment, but on God? An interesting concept with a very attainable answer.
But where do I begin? I must conclude that the answer is discipline. I must come under self discipline in order to gain a more powerful means of focus. I began to develope discipline in my life during last semester, but when Phillip died I became reasonably and excusably distracted. I never really was able to mount back up after that because I felt too strange, like waking up from a world you thought was a dream and realizing that you were conscious in reality for the very first time. Death is a new reality to me that I still haven't finished placing yet. I also have realized more and more how I hide my true feelings away with my pain in an unapproachable cell. New realities that I thought belonged in my life and were comfortably familiar to me, but really had no place at all. This all is an answer to a dream God gave me one night in Ghana. A person I knew and was comfortable with began to rot away and turn into someone that had no business in my affairs. I'd give you more detail, but my friends are waiting for me in the other room. Peace and love.
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
Drained and Weird Feeling
I feel pretty drained today after another long day at the warehouse. It is so hot and strenuous there, and I feel so burnt out, but I gotta keep going. Thanks to debt I won't be able to have money for a long time. I'm spending all of this time technically working for other people. I try not to think of it that way though. I'm sure I'll be alright in the end.
I've been feeling kind of odd though as I've mentioned in past journals. Sleep hasn't been too good at night, but I've been feeling amazingly positive for the past few days in every aspect of life except for the relationship part. I feel reality slowly gripping my throat and the only way I could avoid it would be to sink into such a deep state of denial that I would be... well... pretty messed up. It's uncomfortable, but the pain will only be temporary I'm sure. It's just one of those moments where you realize just how wrong you have been for so long, how you have seen hope where no hope ever existed. I just want this summer to be over... Ha, that sounds familiar. Wasn't I crying the same thing at the end of last semester. "I just want this semester to be over!" Yeah, so maybe I get myself involved in more than is necessary. Is there a way for me to just forget about it though? I tend to see so much trouble in the present and so much light in the future. I think that's my problem. The future won't be any easier than today. It's all just a matter of learning to cope with it. But I'm not so sad to return to school. Sure there was a girl situation that existed there that was slightly painful, but that is so over now. I was thinking about that today. I was suprised that I so quickly moved on after we parted ways.
But I think I'm in one of those moods again where I'm just sick of dealing with females period. I feel like hanging out with my guy friends doing guy things and not worrying about relationships for a long while. Maybe this is me not being lonely, or maybe this is me just being plain fed up with girls who are SO AFRAID that I might like them. I seem to remember that being more of a middle school mentality, and anyways, don't flatter yourself. I've tried so hard to be friends with girls this summer... but it always just turns awkward for one or both of us. I really don't think it is possible. I think "When Harry Met Sally" is absolutely correct. There is a gap there that can't be crossed with friendship alone.
Anyways, as far as priority goes I'm burried under responsibility. I'm working like a mule and getting very little done. I'm so soar and tired right now, but when I sleep it isn't very good sleep. I'm also incredibly bored most of the time. I've been finding it harder and harder to be entertained lately, maybe because I'm so distracted by other things. But I really just want to spend some time at the beach alone for a few days. That would be really nice. Really nice, but really not likely. Will the hopeless romantic in me just die already!?!
Peace and love
I've been feeling kind of odd though as I've mentioned in past journals. Sleep hasn't been too good at night, but I've been feeling amazingly positive for the past few days in every aspect of life except for the relationship part. I feel reality slowly gripping my throat and the only way I could avoid it would be to sink into such a deep state of denial that I would be... well... pretty messed up. It's uncomfortable, but the pain will only be temporary I'm sure. It's just one of those moments where you realize just how wrong you have been for so long, how you have seen hope where no hope ever existed. I just want this summer to be over... Ha, that sounds familiar. Wasn't I crying the same thing at the end of last semester. "I just want this semester to be over!" Yeah, so maybe I get myself involved in more than is necessary. Is there a way for me to just forget about it though? I tend to see so much trouble in the present and so much light in the future. I think that's my problem. The future won't be any easier than today. It's all just a matter of learning to cope with it. But I'm not so sad to return to school. Sure there was a girl situation that existed there that was slightly painful, but that is so over now. I was thinking about that today. I was suprised that I so quickly moved on after we parted ways.
But I think I'm in one of those moods again where I'm just sick of dealing with females period. I feel like hanging out with my guy friends doing guy things and not worrying about relationships for a long while. Maybe this is me not being lonely, or maybe this is me just being plain fed up with girls who are SO AFRAID that I might like them. I seem to remember that being more of a middle school mentality, and anyways, don't flatter yourself. I've tried so hard to be friends with girls this summer... but it always just turns awkward for one or both of us. I really don't think it is possible. I think "When Harry Met Sally" is absolutely correct. There is a gap there that can't be crossed with friendship alone.
Anyways, as far as priority goes I'm burried under responsibility. I'm working like a mule and getting very little done. I'm so soar and tired right now, but when I sleep it isn't very good sleep. I'm also incredibly bored most of the time. I've been finding it harder and harder to be entertained lately, maybe because I'm so distracted by other things. But I really just want to spend some time at the beach alone for a few days. That would be really nice. Really nice, but really not likely. Will the hopeless romantic in me just die already!?!
Peace and love
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
"There are lots of strange things in my nose"
I make myself laugh sometimes at very random moments, mostly while driving in my car.
The title-quote came to me while I was driving down the road this afternoon after a long day. Seems like the harder I'm pushed, the more my sense of humor is built up to compensate. I'm glad I'm built that way. It's not something that many people understand, and most often they think that's weird, but I think that's okay and it makes me smile.
I worked at Brandon's dad's warehouse today from 7:30 - 4:00. It was harder work than I've done in a while, but I feel satisfied... soar but satisfied. We lifted really heavy boxes and inspected chairs all day in a non-airconditioned building. It was definitaly a change of pace. After that I went to the Boggs' house to mow their lawn. I finished just before the sky opened up and ate High Point for a good few minutes.
Last night... or rather the past couple of nights have been very rough on me. I haven't been able to sleep very well because of dreams I've had. They're so vivid and stirring and I remember them so well. Most of the time they are good, but last night... Well, I haven't had a dream that bad in a long long while. I was at war (again), but instead of being heroic and strong like most of my dreams, I was just the opposite. I was allowed to leave the front lines on furlow for a few days after seeing several of my friends die. I remember lying on the cold hard wood floor in an emotional collapse while my family was trying to talk to me, but there was no comfort, just screaming immages and the reality that shortly thereafter, I would have to go back and probably wouldn't survive this time. I woke up all sweaty with my heart racing to Brandon who was telling me to wake up and get ready for work. The dream makes sense to me though. I tried that test that viking took on personalities and I am supposidly a leader motivated by the fear of failure. In the dream, I definitaly failed. I was a weak cowardly failure. I was my worst fear.
Yesterday though, I had an awsome time. It was one of the best Fourth of Julys I can remember. I went to a pool party and had a good time with my friends and I ate ALOT! I also went to another friends house and watched them launch over $1,000 of illegal fireworks from the road in their front yard. It was better than the city fireworks, but I still watched those. We all climed up on their roof with drinks and watched the city works from there. It was pretty amazing and made me think about how life used to be. So fun and so simple. I like to re-live it whenever I get the very brief opportunity.
Not long now though until I return to Nashville. I'm pretty excited because I've got all of these new great ideas about the upcomming year. The down-side is that I'm taking 17 hours this semester on top of work, not only that, but I might end up having to hold down two jobs. That won't be very much fun, but life isn't always fun anymore... atleast not until I master these new experiences and learn how to make them fun. That might take a while, but I'm ready.
I am ready, but I am a bit lonely. I used to want relationships for half companionship and half physical fun, but now I don't care about that. I just want a good companion. I don't know why I'm writing about that though. I don't really feel like telling the whole world about my romantic problems. They'll go away if I ignore them... or atleast I'd like to think that. Honestly though, I'd like to just not have to ever think about that kind of stuff. I don't like thinking about being lonely and not having much hope. I mean I know I have hope, but it's not really visible right now. I just have to trust that it's there, and that's not easy. But look at me, I'm still yakkin. I'm done talking for now. Peace and love.
The title-quote came to me while I was driving down the road this afternoon after a long day. Seems like the harder I'm pushed, the more my sense of humor is built up to compensate. I'm glad I'm built that way. It's not something that many people understand, and most often they think that's weird, but I think that's okay and it makes me smile.
I worked at Brandon's dad's warehouse today from 7:30 - 4:00. It was harder work than I've done in a while, but I feel satisfied... soar but satisfied. We lifted really heavy boxes and inspected chairs all day in a non-airconditioned building. It was definitaly a change of pace. After that I went to the Boggs' house to mow their lawn. I finished just before the sky opened up and ate High Point for a good few minutes.
Last night... or rather the past couple of nights have been very rough on me. I haven't been able to sleep very well because of dreams I've had. They're so vivid and stirring and I remember them so well. Most of the time they are good, but last night... Well, I haven't had a dream that bad in a long long while. I was at war (again), but instead of being heroic and strong like most of my dreams, I was just the opposite. I was allowed to leave the front lines on furlow for a few days after seeing several of my friends die. I remember lying on the cold hard wood floor in an emotional collapse while my family was trying to talk to me, but there was no comfort, just screaming immages and the reality that shortly thereafter, I would have to go back and probably wouldn't survive this time. I woke up all sweaty with my heart racing to Brandon who was telling me to wake up and get ready for work. The dream makes sense to me though. I tried that test that viking took on personalities and I am supposidly a leader motivated by the fear of failure. In the dream, I definitaly failed. I was a weak cowardly failure. I was my worst fear.
Yesterday though, I had an awsome time. It was one of the best Fourth of Julys I can remember. I went to a pool party and had a good time with my friends and I ate ALOT! I also went to another friends house and watched them launch over $1,000 of illegal fireworks from the road in their front yard. It was better than the city fireworks, but I still watched those. We all climed up on their roof with drinks and watched the city works from there. It was pretty amazing and made me think about how life used to be. So fun and so simple. I like to re-live it whenever I get the very brief opportunity.
Not long now though until I return to Nashville. I'm pretty excited because I've got all of these new great ideas about the upcomming year. The down-side is that I'm taking 17 hours this semester on top of work, not only that, but I might end up having to hold down two jobs. That won't be very much fun, but life isn't always fun anymore... atleast not until I master these new experiences and learn how to make them fun. That might take a while, but I'm ready.
I am ready, but I am a bit lonely. I used to want relationships for half companionship and half physical fun, but now I don't care about that. I just want a good companion. I don't know why I'm writing about that though. I don't really feel like telling the whole world about my romantic problems. They'll go away if I ignore them... or atleast I'd like to think that. Honestly though, I'd like to just not have to ever think about that kind of stuff. I don't like thinking about being lonely and not having much hope. I mean I know I have hope, but it's not really visible right now. I just have to trust that it's there, and that's not easy. But look at me, I'm still yakkin. I'm done talking for now. Peace and love.
Monday, July 04, 2005
The Fourth
I'm over at Brandon's house right now after staying over all night. Jenny is here and we watched movies and stuff till we went to sleep. I've been having alot of weird dreams lately when I sleep. Two nights ago I had a dream that was set 2000 years ago. I was a soldier comissioned to hunt down a mass murderer so I went out in full armor with a shield and a sword. As I was walking through the woods I came upon a large snake. It noticed me and then darted into the brush as quick as I'd ever seen anything move, but its real intent was to sneak up behind me. I turned and there it was. It struck at me but I blocked it with my shield and then returned blows with my sword. It was to no avail. My sword could not penetrate its scales. I hit at it again with the same result. Finally I jumped on its head and crushed it into the ground. Its tail went flying all around until it finally died. I continued on my journey and came to this cave with a black iron door. The murderer, in desperation, had locked himself in the cave to get away from me. It was either that or fight, and he seemed to now be cowering after having murdered so many people. He thought that I would just get bored and leave and that he would sneak off while I was away, but instead I made camp outside of his door and waited there for him to come out, but he didn't. Instead he starved to death.
The other dream that night involved two women and this place that I had never been before, but I lived there and it was pretty nice. It was a larger city and the building I lived in had this huge aquarium pillar that was several stories high which made up the majority of the front of the building. To either side were two enterances. I lived on one of the upper floors, but that's not really the point. The point is that one girl seemed to have this thing for me, but I had a secret love for the other girl who I was friends with. So I dated the girl who had a thing for me, but my heart wasn't really in it, and one day on this car ride, the girl I was friends with was sitting behind me while I was driving. Well, all of the sudden she started running her fingers through my hair and I thought that to be a bit weird. We were friends and she was stepping way out of line. But then she ran her hand down my right cheek grazing my face lightly with her fingernails. When she came to my mouth she turned her hand down with her fingers slightly, but not fully fisted. She had written accross her fingers like a school girl and so I read it expecting some sort of flirtatious joke, but she wrote on it a basic proposal. She proposed to me! I was pretty confused, but inside I was intensely excited because now she could know how I truly felt. But my response was simple and reserved. I merely closed my eyes and kissed her hand and then went on without saying a word, but she knew what I meant.
But that is the kind of dream that I enjoy having but hate waking up to. The reality is far too sobering. I've been having dreams like that for a long while. I'd say off and on for a few years. Confused? You bet I am.
Today is the Fourth of July though and the best news I can think of is that I'm not working at the pool this year. Fourth of July is always the worst time of the year for pools. But I'm actually going to be able to enjoy this holiday with no strings attached. I'm gunna got to one of my friend's houses for a pool party and cookout, and then I think I'll go with everyone to the fireworks. It will be all sorts of crazy fun, weather permitting. That is to say that I've never once seen a Fourth of July here where it hasn't rained. At least, not in the past six years. So we'll just have to see. I'm feeling pretty good though. The wedding is over, I have a steady job now, and the rest of the summer should fall lightly into place. I'm also excited about going back to school. I want to meet up with all of my friends there and stuff. Speaking of stuff though... Stuffy contracted malaria two days ago and he's pretty sick. Pray for him because malaria is no fun. But hey, he can now join the very elite club of "Yeah I've had a Third World Disease". I'm in there with ecoli, but he will be a higher ranking officer with his malaria. Liutenant Ecoli and Captain Malaria.
For now I'm out. Y'all have a grand ol time. Peace and love.
The other dream that night involved two women and this place that I had never been before, but I lived there and it was pretty nice. It was a larger city and the building I lived in had this huge aquarium pillar that was several stories high which made up the majority of the front of the building. To either side were two enterances. I lived on one of the upper floors, but that's not really the point. The point is that one girl seemed to have this thing for me, but I had a secret love for the other girl who I was friends with. So I dated the girl who had a thing for me, but my heart wasn't really in it, and one day on this car ride, the girl I was friends with was sitting behind me while I was driving. Well, all of the sudden she started running her fingers through my hair and I thought that to be a bit weird. We were friends and she was stepping way out of line. But then she ran her hand down my right cheek grazing my face lightly with her fingernails. When she came to my mouth she turned her hand down with her fingers slightly, but not fully fisted. She had written accross her fingers like a school girl and so I read it expecting some sort of flirtatious joke, but she wrote on it a basic proposal. She proposed to me! I was pretty confused, but inside I was intensely excited because now she could know how I truly felt. But my response was simple and reserved. I merely closed my eyes and kissed her hand and then went on without saying a word, but she knew what I meant.
But that is the kind of dream that I enjoy having but hate waking up to. The reality is far too sobering. I've been having dreams like that for a long while. I'd say off and on for a few years. Confused? You bet I am.
Today is the Fourth of July though and the best news I can think of is that I'm not working at the pool this year. Fourth of July is always the worst time of the year for pools. But I'm actually going to be able to enjoy this holiday with no strings attached. I'm gunna got to one of my friend's houses for a pool party and cookout, and then I think I'll go with everyone to the fireworks. It will be all sorts of crazy fun, weather permitting. That is to say that I've never once seen a Fourth of July here where it hasn't rained. At least, not in the past six years. So we'll just have to see. I'm feeling pretty good though. The wedding is over, I have a steady job now, and the rest of the summer should fall lightly into place. I'm also excited about going back to school. I want to meet up with all of my friends there and stuff. Speaking of stuff though... Stuffy contracted malaria two days ago and he's pretty sick. Pray for him because malaria is no fun. But hey, he can now join the very elite club of "Yeah I've had a Third World Disease". I'm in there with ecoli, but he will be a higher ranking officer with his malaria. Liutenant Ecoli and Captain Malaria.
For now I'm out. Y'all have a grand ol time. Peace and love.
Saturday, July 02, 2005
It's Over... What Have We Learned
The wedding was today. Everything went suprisingly well and without flaw. When I set up all of that audio equipment and flipped the switch, there was not a single thing wrong. In the audio business that is RARE! But I admit that I was caught off guard by emotion when Grace walked in with her dress on down the isle holding my dad's arm. I almost cried, but I had to sing right after that, so I decided not to. It was an amazing experience and Grace and Josh are finally one now. That's cool.
This whole thing really makes me think how much I have to learn about love. Just watching them get married made me realize that my priorities aren't exactly in order. At the same time it made me feel like I was old, but in retrospect, I still have a long time yet to go.
I talked to this guy yesterday who was playing piano at the wedding and his wife was singing. They were both pretty young, but they seemed to be that kind of couple that was clearly meant for eachother. I talked to the guy and asked him how he met his wife and sat back and listened. It's funny when you talk to a guy about stuff like that. Most of the time a guy is composed and tells the facts, but in this case it was different. His total expression changed from when we were discussing business. His face lit up as he told the story. It seemed like he was not in the room with me, but rather back in the day when she first told him that she loved him after he took the chance to tell her. It seems like God gives every man and woman who get married in His will this epic story of a relationship, and whether they realize the magnitude of their journey before or after they wed... it's still there. But I'm more or less seeking encouragement in my own journey, not a simplistic encouragement from people who don't know the extent of my present story, but the ones who I've talked to. Real encouragement with deep meaning much like what Godwin gave me in Africa. I've never had very much of that around here. Seems like it's easier to discourage relationships. Seems like when I find interest, the only thing anyone close to me can say is negative or hopeless, and I know they're just looking out for me, but you can convince someone that they've made a mistake even when no mistake exists. Take careful consideration in what you say. I think that is something that the persuer has to find on their own. That is why I encourage most of my friends when they are seeking a pure relationship. I have a very limited perspective most of the time. I might only know the guy or maybe just the girl. And if anyone knows, I know that when you love someone you don't care about the little annoying things they do. You don't even see it because it doesn't matter. Now big things are a definite problem. I would not encourage my friends to date a druggy hooker. But for instance, I have a friend who likes this girl who has this thing where she's... well she's just plain lousy at communication. Now his mom says that just because of that not to get involved. We, on the other hand, both realize that it's not because she's a jerk. She's just fragile and afriad of confrontation. If you were to analyze me a bit deeper than that, you'd find alot more dirt than just a fear of confrontation. So until something comes along to disprove that theory, then I say go for it. If it is of God it will work. If it's not, then it's not.
I'm willing to take on new burdons for the sake of love, and the man who isn't, who isn't willing to somewhat adapt; that man is also not willing to love. He is infatuated and focused on the short term.
Don't blow off situations because an external source with limited information tells you to, but look at the situation with a clear mind. Focus on God instead of men because you will never make an action that all men agree with, and thankfully it doesn't matter what men think. It only matters what God thinks, and God never changes. Peace and love.
This whole thing really makes me think how much I have to learn about love. Just watching them get married made me realize that my priorities aren't exactly in order. At the same time it made me feel like I was old, but in retrospect, I still have a long time yet to go.
I talked to this guy yesterday who was playing piano at the wedding and his wife was singing. They were both pretty young, but they seemed to be that kind of couple that was clearly meant for eachother. I talked to the guy and asked him how he met his wife and sat back and listened. It's funny when you talk to a guy about stuff like that. Most of the time a guy is composed and tells the facts, but in this case it was different. His total expression changed from when we were discussing business. His face lit up as he told the story. It seemed like he was not in the room with me, but rather back in the day when she first told him that she loved him after he took the chance to tell her. It seems like God gives every man and woman who get married in His will this epic story of a relationship, and whether they realize the magnitude of their journey before or after they wed... it's still there. But I'm more or less seeking encouragement in my own journey, not a simplistic encouragement from people who don't know the extent of my present story, but the ones who I've talked to. Real encouragement with deep meaning much like what Godwin gave me in Africa. I've never had very much of that around here. Seems like it's easier to discourage relationships. Seems like when I find interest, the only thing anyone close to me can say is negative or hopeless, and I know they're just looking out for me, but you can convince someone that they've made a mistake even when no mistake exists. Take careful consideration in what you say. I think that is something that the persuer has to find on their own. That is why I encourage most of my friends when they are seeking a pure relationship. I have a very limited perspective most of the time. I might only know the guy or maybe just the girl. And if anyone knows, I know that when you love someone you don't care about the little annoying things they do. You don't even see it because it doesn't matter. Now big things are a definite problem. I would not encourage my friends to date a druggy hooker. But for instance, I have a friend who likes this girl who has this thing where she's... well she's just plain lousy at communication. Now his mom says that just because of that not to get involved. We, on the other hand, both realize that it's not because she's a jerk. She's just fragile and afriad of confrontation. If you were to analyze me a bit deeper than that, you'd find alot more dirt than just a fear of confrontation. So until something comes along to disprove that theory, then I say go for it. If it is of God it will work. If it's not, then it's not.
I'm willing to take on new burdons for the sake of love, and the man who isn't, who isn't willing to somewhat adapt; that man is also not willing to love. He is infatuated and focused on the short term.
Don't blow off situations because an external source with limited information tells you to, but look at the situation with a clear mind. Focus on God instead of men because you will never make an action that all men agree with, and thankfully it doesn't matter what men think. It only matters what God thinks, and God never changes. Peace and love.
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