Taking Heart... by force

Wow, so I was writing an entire journal on the perception of self, because that is what I've been thinking about alot today, but I just erased like 400 words because I realized that I had not yet thought about it enough to even begin to know how to write it all down. So what can I say about today? As I stated yesterday, my schedule is ever increasing in content, and my discipline is beginning to take shape. Today I was as busy as I thought I would have been. Tomorrow will be no less, and I believe this theme shall carry on for quite some time before I'm left standing around with nothing to do. It was such a sunny day though. I'm glad I got to spend a little time outside, if but for a moment. I miss the warmth so much.

I've got a bit more money in the bank right now, but it has already been assigned to a destination. I have to buy more contact paper for photography class, and I had to buy soap today. Yeah, I'm that poor as to where I have to worry about having enough money to buy soap. It's a learning process though. I'm glad for it.

In the war I have declared, my enemies are becoming ever more clear. I have discovered one of their whereabouts, and unfortunately... they reside in me. Fighting yourself is... well... it's hard, but I will make no treaty. It is self destructive thought that I must fight. Now I've never been an advocator of wearing a fake smile. If you don't feel great, don't confuse yourself by hiding it. I never said that you shouldn't try to feel great though. Your feeling is part of perception. Basically, you will feel exactly the way you convince yourself to feel. My heart hit a point of distress earlier this evening, and I had to challenge it. Was it really in distress? ... Because I beg to differ! I would say that it isn't. This is the shot heard round the world. This is the beginning of war. Which one is right? Which one wins? The one who convinces my most inner being of their case. The one who speaks the loudest. The one I pay the most attention to. I've got to cut off supplies to one side and feed the other. But out of all of the different aspects of self, heart has to be the most difficult to defeat in battle. Physical self can be easily restrained by outside force. Mental self can be supressed in debate. But heart, the spiritual, listens to no logic and can't be physically beat into submission. It's appetite can sustain over periods of years or a lifetime, in some cases, without being fed. Not only that, but it is suttle and silent... ninja, if you will. This is the largest war I face, but I have no lack of confidence this time around. I also hold the trophy of experience.

So now I must go to my quite space, forget about this war for a bit, and spend some time chatting with God. Doing all of this by myself... it won't work. I've been there before. If God wants to direct everything, I think this time I'll just hand it over. Peace and Love.