There's so much here to enjoy and just as much, if not more, to break a man in half. I can't seem to stress enough how difficult this year has been in dealings with school, work, and relationships. Now on top of that I've got several issues back home that need dealing with. In the midst of all of this though, I've come out feeling like Peter from Office Space. There's so much to think about, I don't even try to start. I just go through each day dealing with whatever it is that comes to the door first. This must be my self defense mechanism or something because without it I would have probably gone crazy and started to chase cars in the parking lot by now. I jest of course, but at the same time, I'm sort of serious. If I were to think about all of my problems right now, I would seriously be messed up. It's that whole introspective way of living that will kill a man, and just as you can't force me to get to know a stranger, I can't force myself to know myself better, so why waste the time.
It's funny though, the thoughts that take precident over the others. One would think that I would be concentrating in the order of importance. I'm not upset about the obvious though, I'm upset about the things of the heart. Money is not of the heart, neither is school work, neither is the business of my schedule. All of these are existing problems in my life that are somewhat serious, but I don't seem to have a problem giving any of them to God. I think it is because those things, the things not of the heart, absolutely disgust me to no end and I have no interest in them though I still heed their importance. The things of the heart are much more difficult to yield to God. I think this is because the pain exists with or without mental effort, but maybe God has not taken it from me because I can handle it and because it will make me stronger to endure. Could be. Maybe the hardest thing to accept is that I'm better off... atleast I sure tell myself that quite often. It's something easy to say that rolls off the tongue with about as little effort as it takes to hear it. It takes more than simple soothing words to calm myself down though. Sometimes it takes more than even a song can bring. Sometimes I'm left up at night for hours being tormented by it until I'm too tired to stay awake, but that doesn't change much because dreams are just as accessible. It's ironic how that when I think about it all in a rational state of mind, it seems so rediculous and stupid. So what's left is to brainwash myself in a bath of positive thinking... Nah. I can't stand that option. I'm not the kind of person to pretend I'm so rediculously happy in attempts to run from something. I don't necissarily show my sorrowed states of emotion in public, but I also don't hide them behind plastic smiles.
I'm being tested plain and simple. I'm in my own desert right now and I am being tempted and tested in all areas. I'm not quite as strong, no, not near as strong as Jesus was, but I still press on. God knows I don't give up if there is value in the goal, which there is, and I know there is. I can see it. It seems like I'm always fighting though. Why must I fight? Do I secretly enjoy it and the pain that comes with it? I wouldn't put it past me. I think there is a part of me that does honestly. It's that same part of me that will grab ahold of a torch breath gas into it, that will fight a man in the ring until I'm physically incapable of getting back up, that will get under weight way too heavy for me to lift and try to lift it anyways, that will jump off the highest high dive just to say to myself that I did, that will chase a girl knowing from the very start deep down where it will all end but going anyways. It is the same side of me that would march to certain death in battle, not looking back for a second. It is irrational. It is my foolish side, but also my more interesting side. I wouldn't trade it for another, but maybe I just have to bridle it a bit more. It will be useful to me or somebody someday, I know it.
So let me talk about today. It was fast and busy, but moreso than the typical Monday. I had meetings and obligation and I didn't get back to my room until around 9:30, and still I had not accomplished all I had set out to do. This means that tomorrow will be just as busy, but whatever. The main event of the day was RUSH. I, if you didn't know, am RUSH chair for Phi Mu Alpha Sinfonia, and tonight I was throwing a Wing-a-Palooza. I started cooking at 4:45 and ended around 9:00 with 20lbs of hotwings under my belt... actually under the belts of all the guys that ate them. I felt that it was a success, though I am exhausted right now. Everyone seemed to really enjoy them and that's all I needed to know. Now I'm going to attempt to write some music before I go to bed, but it was nice sharing with you. Peace and Love.
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