The Blazing Bridge

That's right, I'm too stubborn to understand why I keep on ending up in these situations. I don't learn from my mistakes, and according to Proverbs that makes me a fool. So much has happened between the happy journal I wrote last night, and the one I write now. I don't even really want to talk about it. Those who should know already do, and those who don't... well, they have no need to know. The vomitous feeling has finally left me though, and now I must stand back up. When you get knocked down you stand back up or you are defeated. That's the way life goes. Something like this, when I look back on it 60 years from now, will look so simple and rediculous. How foolish it would be to allow myself to be defeated by it. But there are steps I must take to stand back up.

First and foremost I must master my anger. I do not get angry openly very often, but when I do it is basically the same scenario as when I am openly distraught. I don't get that way very often so I become very unstable due to lack of experience. I generally try to drive because that usually helps curb my irrationality. It is something that I have placed in my mind as a strict responsibility, which is probably the reason I haven't been in an accident yet. Secondly I pick up my guitar. I play music that sooths me even though I am angry (generally worship songs). Finally I just have to spend some time in prayer after that. This helps me get some sense of clarity back. I have done some stupid things when angry before though. Not stupid illegal, but stupid destructive (if that makes sense).

Secondly, I must limit the time I have to myself. If I am alone then I will dwell on the situation, creating a series of intertangled scenarious that make sense and explain what I do not quite understand. Finally I accept these generally distorted ideas as fact which proovs is very self destructive as well as potentially destructive towards others. All of this because I spent too much time alone thinking. Until I have control over my thoughts, I cannot spend much time alone period.

Finally I just can't talk about it or even do things that remind me of it. I must break away from everything that is in any way connected to it. This is used to defeat the birth of thought. If i see an object that is in some way affiliated with a past experience, I will then think about that past experience and it will trail all the way to the most recent and torturous experience.

In essence, all of these things will take severe discipline and prayer. I fear that I have already torched the bridge I came accross, so now the only way to go is forward into unknown terrain. God will guide me through it all though, hopefully teaching me what it is that I am supposed to learn. That, of course, is dependant upon the state of my heart. I must make myself vulnerable to learn just as a student must make himself vulnerable to learn in a classroom environment. It's the difference between an A and an F.

Aside from all that, today transpired quite well. There were no major projects, papers, or tests in any of my two classes, and I spent some quality time with my friends. Photography also went well today. I've got some good pictures that I will be posting shortly, so keep your eyes open. There is also a mouse that has nested under my fridge. Obviously he doesn't know my reputation around here. He will surly die a painful death that will remind his mouse brethren that I am not a host of their kind. I no longer use mouse traps to catch mice... no no... I catch them as a hunter catches small prey. I will immerge victorious! I would also appreciate a haircut right now, but I don't think that is anywhere in the near future. I'm just going to have to let it get rediculous looking before it can go short again. My hair is about as long as the length of time it has been this long (brainbuster).

So, I will keep composure. I will do my job. I will do my work. I will not give in though life seems to have me completely surrounded at this point. So much misfortune keeps arrising, one after the other, and it all seems to be piling up in an instant. If it were merely one thing, I could easily master it on my own, but I know God is with me and I know that He knows I cannot do this alone. If I did not have that assurance, I would be sick right now both physically and mentally. I will take joy in my suffering. I will take patience. I will curb my malicious thoughts. I will not disreguard the possibility that I... could be wrong. My eyes will burn for a short time, this much is certain, but not a single tear will fall. I no longer am capable, as I discovered last night. I can sob, but I can't shed tears. Does this serve a purpose?

Peace and Love