Start a War

Today was a complete turn around from before. I had a long conversation with my dad last night, and I got to thinking about who I am. Through recent situations which have lasted the better part of this year, I seem to have forgotten. I can't believe I so easily tricked myself into forgetting what took me so long to finally figure out, but I'm back for now. I have to keep vigilant though because I am likely to come under attack again, but now I refuse to take it sitting down. I've been living in this constant state of worthlessnes since October, but no more. I am Nathan Crandell, and I DO have dreams. I DO have ambitions. I DO have motivation. I DO have goals.

From here on out, I am starting a war. I am starting war with anything that stands in my way. I won't compromise with it, I won't debate with it, but I will fight it until it is gone. I will face and endure pain with a smile on my face, and I will bleed with satisfaction because I know that I will not be destroyed.

"I am pressed but not crushed, persecuted not abandoned, struck down but not destroyed."

I can't remember the exact concordance of this verse in the Bible, but I know it's there. I've seen it many times. It is my war cry. I will no longer be satisfied with being mediocre. I will no longer be satisfied with comforts and ease. I must face the reality. Before now I just wanted to stay a boy and be at ease, but that is not reality. The reality is that I am in a war. Very few things are beautiful, but this is where I am. I can make things beautiful in my own mind. I can't be a boy anymore though. Boys aren't meant to fight wars. They play war with sticks and make believe and never get hurt, and that is their reality. But I have to put down my stick now and pick up a sword. I will get hurt. I will get injured. I will face fear and death and deceit. I will see my friends fall and cry. But this is where I am. I can learn to find beauty in all of it. I already have. I am getting so much stronger by the day, and my resilliance is flourishing. Each challenge provides a learning experience that I can either be defeated by or take full advantage of with a smile on my face.

Let me briefly discuss my day before I go to bed. I woke up this morning and as soon as I rose, I went about business for the first time. I didn't waver or daddle at any of it, but I did it because it was in my way. I started war with all of it. I went to class, I came back, showered, ate lunch, made a bullitin board for my hall, posted new program posters, worked the desk, went to lab, went straight to Spanish after that, went and took a roll of film straight after that, went to work out after that, ate dinner directly after that, relaxed a little and played fooseball for a few minutes, went back to my room and recorded, started on and finished a project, made necessary phone calls, filled out forms, went to a meeting, and finally just a few minutes ago I finished an ab workout program I am starting with the guys in my hall. I have not rested since I woke up, and I feel completely satisfied in every way. Tomorrow I will accomplish even more, and the day after, and the day after that. What is more? I was almost able to lift my own body weight by my self in weight lifting today. That means I am almost up to a 1.0 power level again. That means that I am making leaps and bounds in muscle building. Now that I am in shape, I am commencing the more difficult part of my training. I am going in for heavy heavy weights where I might not finish all my reps. I'm burning out so that I can build muscle mass. I'm filling out my shirts and pants now though, which makes me feel pretty nice. Girls are also not really a hinderance to me right now. I feel real at ease and undistracted for the most part. I really hope this lasts. Anyways, I have a busy day tomorrow, full of opportunity and challenge. I shall need every bit of sleep. I also have new pictures if you want to check them out. Peace and Love