The Longest Saturday

There hasn't been a Saturday that I can recall which has lasted as long as this one did. I didn't really accomplish all that much, but most of my thoughts were significant. I think that thought is defining measurement of time. If you have very few thoughts stored to memory within a day, that day might seem shorter... or maybe it's the other way around. Anyways, today was full of recognition. I have realized first and foremost that I don't have any money until the week of Spring Break... that means that I won't have any money during Spring Break, which means that I might have a bit of a difficult time getting home... no matter, I'm sure that God has something in store for me on that week, I just don't know what it is yet.

I've been thinking alot about assumption lately as well. I find that I assume too much, and I get in to so many rediculous situations because of it. This morning in the shower I was thinking about how much I actually knew beyond a shadow of a doubt, and how much I knew based upon assumption. The ratio was pathetic really. But all of this has come upon me lately because I've been questioning myself. Why do I feel this way all of the time? What ever happened to the way I used to feel? Do I look at the world differently than most people? What is the problem? Where is my worth? When I look back on the way I travel through a day, all I see is someone without goals or ambitions except for the one which is getting out of bed and facing whatever it is that's in the way of getting back in again. It's a bitter pill, but that's all I see. But I look around and I see people who have real motivation and drive to do whatever it is that they have to do. I could be doing the same thing and it would seem mundane and dull, but they see more in it than that. Take education for example. I go to class each morning because I have to. There's nothing there that particularly interests me, but I go partly because it has been ingraned in me since a small child that for some reason I must, and I also understand the large sums of money involved if I were to miss a class. There are others that go for a completely different reason. They love to learn all of that crazy abstract stuff and they just soak it in. I pick and choose what I think I can use, and the rest just goes to the way side. This leads me into another concept of thinking. If I took note of every sensory impulse that I experienced in one day, my brain would explode for sure, but it doesn't. Instead it is very selective and only remembers the things of importance. My brain is the same with class. It only remembers the things I view as important, and/or entertaining. Let me get back on track though. I just feel... like a drone every day; a robot who does one thing after the other because... well because I must: A worker ant. I desperately long for motivation these days, but the skys are still mostly gray, and even if it were sunny, it is still cold. My one and only most prized and sacred thought now is the hope that it will eventually get better. I never abandon that thought. Maybe I'll find my place soon, and maybe I will feel satisfied for a change. Maybe my problems will retreat a few paces. That sure would be nice.

The weather has always been a good predictor of my mood, and Nashville is so hard to accomidate that positively. It is always rainy and/or cold here. There are those few gorgious days that come about every once-in-a-while that make me fell incredible, but no sooner do they come, they leave. I still push through it all though. It is as if I'm on auto pilot. I don't know why I continue to move forward, but I do. Maybe it is that deep part of me that just won't let me give up for anything.

Ya know, this journal is completely rediculous. It's just so hard for me to look at things positively right now. I'm under so much, and I just don't know how I got here, whether it is even important as to how I got here, and where I am supposed to go. There's so much to think about and solve with so little harvest. I'll do my best though. I just have to be more careful.

My tone right now might give the misconception that I had a crummy day. Today, in fact, was actually rather nice. I worked out extra hard, I cleaned my room, I talked to friends and got alot off of my chest, and I just finished hanging dry wall with the boys. I just need to get involved more is all. I need to stop spending so much time alone. Money being such an issue as it is, makes that a bit hard, but I've always been rather creative. I'm sure I can think of something. I miss her though... despite all that has happened. I don't know why I even do. She rarely ever gave me the time of day, and even when she did... she had thicker walls than I do. I will manage. Brittany keeps reminding me that I shouldn't try to do all of this alone. God is fully capable of taking care of it all for me. I struggle with the control issue and she recognizes that. I just want expereince I guess. I don't want it to be too easy. But then again, it can get out of control in an instant, and then where am I... Right where I am now pretty much. I have to relinquish my control to God for any of this to clear up. That is my ultimate goal for the rest of this semester. Hope all is well in your land. Peace and Love