Discipline

Today was major achievement for me in my journey towards complete discipline. I have almost half a page of activities that I accomplished, and those were just the major things I had to do not even including class or small errands. I feel great too, but right now I am STARVING! My eating schedule is way out of wack, and now-a-days I don't have too many meal plans. I think... I might go for the almost year old chips in my closet. Don't worry, they're unopened.

So one of the tasks I accomplished today was a white glove cleaning of my room. It took a good many hours to do, but never-the-less, I finished. It was a good time just to reflect and get my mind into an orderly estate. I found out that I left my fridge unplugged the other day while I was recording. I had to throw away everything that was inside, including my Britta pitcher. It had mold growing at the base of it that looked an awful lot like Japan... but anyways, now my room is as fresh as it has ever been, and I feel at ease.

So the discipline factor is an idea I had that came out of my whole revelation this week. I have disciplined myself to work out every day, and now I do it without any mental effort, I just go. That's all fine and good, but now it is trickling into other regions of my life. I am starting to discipline my orderly habbits. They say setting habbit takes fourty days, so I'm in for the long haul I suppose. I will discipline myself in major categories of my life one, maybe two at a time until I have achieved almost military disciplinary habbits. Hopefully each discipline I aquire will make the next one seem that much easier to accomplish.

Socially I have to make sure to keep up relations with others amidst all of this change. The difference between a jock and a dork is the amount of social time spent as opposed to the time in isolation. A jock makes up the far right, and a dork makes up the far left. I'm looking for a middle point between there, as I do with most issues in life. I want to be disciplined and studious, but I also do not want to sacrifice my social skills. It will be a challenge to weigh the two precisely.

So God has truly been good to me this week. He has handed me a tool that I can use for the rest of my life if I learn how to use it. Learning is the challenge I face currently, but I shall endure. Oh! That reminds me. This weekend I get to start on the worship team at Midtown Fellowship. That's the church I go to now. I've been trying really hard to find my place here in Nashville, and I think I might have finally reached it. Of course you know the whole story. I went to Midtown all of last year, but I never got involved. This year I started out going to Judson
Baptist, but it was a bit awkward for me and I was going for all of the wrong reasons. I was incredibly distracted so I went back to Midtown. Now I had the guts to actually talk to someone to get involved, and they let me right in. I practice this Saturday at 10 o'clock. I don't necissarily know if I will start playing this week on Sunday. I asked not to in order that I might get better acquainted with the band, but I'm sure that won't take too long. It's just nice to finally find someone who can use the gifts you have.

I've noticed myself being really awkward lately though... It's really weird. I'm not as articulate with speech as I usually am, and I kinda freeze up when I'm in communication with unfamiliar people. That's not like me at all. I seem to recall certain phases in my early childhood though where I would start to studder or something like that. Maybe this is just one of those phases, or maybe I'm moving too fast. Oh well, I'm just going to have to learn because I'm not slowing down. Hope all is well where you reside. Peace and Love.

Taking Heart... by force

Wow, so I was writing an entire journal on the perception of self, because that is what I've been thinking about alot today, but I just erased like 400 words because I realized that I had not yet thought about it enough to even begin to know how to write it all down. So what can I say about today? As I stated yesterday, my schedule is ever increasing in content, and my discipline is beginning to take shape. Today I was as busy as I thought I would have been. Tomorrow will be no less, and I believe this theme shall carry on for quite some time before I'm left standing around with nothing to do. It was such a sunny day though. I'm glad I got to spend a little time outside, if but for a moment. I miss the warmth so much.

I've got a bit more money in the bank right now, but it has already been assigned to a destination. I have to buy more contact paper for photography class, and I had to buy soap today. Yeah, I'm that poor as to where I have to worry about having enough money to buy soap. It's a learning process though. I'm glad for it.

In the war I have declared, my enemies are becoming ever more clear. I have discovered one of their whereabouts, and unfortunately... they reside in me. Fighting yourself is... well... it's hard, but I will make no treaty. It is self destructive thought that I must fight. Now I've never been an advocator of wearing a fake smile. If you don't feel great, don't confuse yourself by hiding it. I never said that you shouldn't try to feel great though. Your feeling is part of perception. Basically, you will feel exactly the way you convince yourself to feel. My heart hit a point of distress earlier this evening, and I had to challenge it. Was it really in distress? ... Because I beg to differ! I would say that it isn't. This is the shot heard round the world. This is the beginning of war. Which one is right? Which one wins? The one who convinces my most inner being of their case. The one who speaks the loudest. The one I pay the most attention to. I've got to cut off supplies to one side and feed the other. But out of all of the different aspects of self, heart has to be the most difficult to defeat in battle. Physical self can be easily restrained by outside force. Mental self can be supressed in debate. But heart, the spiritual, listens to no logic and can't be physically beat into submission. It's appetite can sustain over periods of years or a lifetime, in some cases, without being fed. Not only that, but it is suttle and silent... ninja, if you will. This is the largest war I face, but I have no lack of confidence this time around. I also hold the trophy of experience.

So now I must go to my quite space, forget about this war for a bit, and spend some time chatting with God. Doing all of this by myself... it won't work. I've been there before. If God wants to direct everything, I think this time I'll just hand it over. Peace and Love.

Clarification

No, I'm not angry with anyone in my family. My dad and I had a very insightful converstation, not one of ill constitution. When it comes down to it, my family is all I have. They are about the only ones in this world who know and love me completely and stay with me through the fires and tribulations life brings. Peace and Love.

Start a War

Today was a complete turn around from before. I had a long conversation with my dad last night, and I got to thinking about who I am. Through recent situations which have lasted the better part of this year, I seem to have forgotten. I can't believe I so easily tricked myself into forgetting what took me so long to finally figure out, but I'm back for now. I have to keep vigilant though because I am likely to come under attack again, but now I refuse to take it sitting down. I've been living in this constant state of worthlessnes since October, but no more. I am Nathan Crandell, and I DO have dreams. I DO have ambitions. I DO have motivation. I DO have goals.

From here on out, I am starting a war. I am starting war with anything that stands in my way. I won't compromise with it, I won't debate with it, but I will fight it until it is gone. I will face and endure pain with a smile on my face, and I will bleed with satisfaction because I know that I will not be destroyed.

"I am pressed but not crushed, persecuted not abandoned, struck down but not destroyed."

I can't remember the exact concordance of this verse in the Bible, but I know it's there. I've seen it many times. It is my war cry. I will no longer be satisfied with being mediocre. I will no longer be satisfied with comforts and ease. I must face the reality. Before now I just wanted to stay a boy and be at ease, but that is not reality. The reality is that I am in a war. Very few things are beautiful, but this is where I am. I can make things beautiful in my own mind. I can't be a boy anymore though. Boys aren't meant to fight wars. They play war with sticks and make believe and never get hurt, and that is their reality. But I have to put down my stick now and pick up a sword. I will get hurt. I will get injured. I will face fear and death and deceit. I will see my friends fall and cry. But this is where I am. I can learn to find beauty in all of it. I already have. I am getting so much stronger by the day, and my resilliance is flourishing. Each challenge provides a learning experience that I can either be defeated by or take full advantage of with a smile on my face.

Let me briefly discuss my day before I go to bed. I woke up this morning and as soon as I rose, I went about business for the first time. I didn't waver or daddle at any of it, but I did it because it was in my way. I started war with all of it. I went to class, I came back, showered, ate lunch, made a bullitin board for my hall, posted new program posters, worked the desk, went to lab, went straight to Spanish after that, went and took a roll of film straight after that, went to work out after that, ate dinner directly after that, relaxed a little and played fooseball for a few minutes, went back to my room and recorded, started on and finished a project, made necessary phone calls, filled out forms, went to a meeting, and finally just a few minutes ago I finished an ab workout program I am starting with the guys in my hall. I have not rested since I woke up, and I feel completely satisfied in every way. Tomorrow I will accomplish even more, and the day after, and the day after that. What is more? I was almost able to lift my own body weight by my self in weight lifting today. That means I am almost up to a 1.0 power level again. That means that I am making leaps and bounds in muscle building. Now that I am in shape, I am commencing the more difficult part of my training. I am going in for heavy heavy weights where I might not finish all my reps. I'm burning out so that I can build muscle mass. I'm filling out my shirts and pants now though, which makes me feel pretty nice. Girls are also not really a hinderance to me right now. I feel real at ease and undistracted for the most part. I really hope this lasts. Anyways, I have a busy day tomorrow, full of opportunity and challenge. I shall need every bit of sleep. I also have new pictures if you want to check them out. Peace and Love

The Longest Saturday

There hasn't been a Saturday that I can recall which has lasted as long as this one did. I didn't really accomplish all that much, but most of my thoughts were significant. I think that thought is defining measurement of time. If you have very few thoughts stored to memory within a day, that day might seem shorter... or maybe it's the other way around. Anyways, today was full of recognition. I have realized first and foremost that I don't have any money until the week of Spring Break... that means that I won't have any money during Spring Break, which means that I might have a bit of a difficult time getting home... no matter, I'm sure that God has something in store for me on that week, I just don't know what it is yet.

I've been thinking alot about assumption lately as well. I find that I assume too much, and I get in to so many rediculous situations because of it. This morning in the shower I was thinking about how much I actually knew beyond a shadow of a doubt, and how much I knew based upon assumption. The ratio was pathetic really. But all of this has come upon me lately because I've been questioning myself. Why do I feel this way all of the time? What ever happened to the way I used to feel? Do I look at the world differently than most people? What is the problem? Where is my worth? When I look back on the way I travel through a day, all I see is someone without goals or ambitions except for the one which is getting out of bed and facing whatever it is that's in the way of getting back in again. It's a bitter pill, but that's all I see. But I look around and I see people who have real motivation and drive to do whatever it is that they have to do. I could be doing the same thing and it would seem mundane and dull, but they see more in it than that. Take education for example. I go to class each morning because I have to. There's nothing there that particularly interests me, but I go partly because it has been ingraned in me since a small child that for some reason I must, and I also understand the large sums of money involved if I were to miss a class. There are others that go for a completely different reason. They love to learn all of that crazy abstract stuff and they just soak it in. I pick and choose what I think I can use, and the rest just goes to the way side. This leads me into another concept of thinking. If I took note of every sensory impulse that I experienced in one day, my brain would explode for sure, but it doesn't. Instead it is very selective and only remembers the things of importance. My brain is the same with class. It only remembers the things I view as important, and/or entertaining. Let me get back on track though. I just feel... like a drone every day; a robot who does one thing after the other because... well because I must: A worker ant. I desperately long for motivation these days, but the skys are still mostly gray, and even if it were sunny, it is still cold. My one and only most prized and sacred thought now is the hope that it will eventually get better. I never abandon that thought. Maybe I'll find my place soon, and maybe I will feel satisfied for a change. Maybe my problems will retreat a few paces. That sure would be nice.

The weather has always been a good predictor of my mood, and Nashville is so hard to accomidate that positively. It is always rainy and/or cold here. There are those few gorgious days that come about every once-in-a-while that make me fell incredible, but no sooner do they come, they leave. I still push through it all though. It is as if I'm on auto pilot. I don't know why I continue to move forward, but I do. Maybe it is that deep part of me that just won't let me give up for anything.

Ya know, this journal is completely rediculous. It's just so hard for me to look at things positively right now. I'm under so much, and I just don't know how I got here, whether it is even important as to how I got here, and where I am supposed to go. There's so much to think about and solve with so little harvest. I'll do my best though. I just have to be more careful.

My tone right now might give the misconception that I had a crummy day. Today, in fact, was actually rather nice. I worked out extra hard, I cleaned my room, I talked to friends and got alot off of my chest, and I just finished hanging dry wall with the boys. I just need to get involved more is all. I need to stop spending so much time alone. Money being such an issue as it is, makes that a bit hard, but I've always been rather creative. I'm sure I can think of something. I miss her though... despite all that has happened. I don't know why I even do. She rarely ever gave me the time of day, and even when she did... she had thicker walls than I do. I will manage. Brittany keeps reminding me that I shouldn't try to do all of this alone. God is fully capable of taking care of it all for me. I struggle with the control issue and she recognizes that. I just want expereince I guess. I don't want it to be too easy. But then again, it can get out of control in an instant, and then where am I... Right where I am now pretty much. I have to relinquish my control to God for any of this to clear up. That is my ultimate goal for the rest of this semester. Hope all is well in your land. Peace and Love

The Blazing Bridge

That's right, I'm too stubborn to understand why I keep on ending up in these situations. I don't learn from my mistakes, and according to Proverbs that makes me a fool. So much has happened between the happy journal I wrote last night, and the one I write now. I don't even really want to talk about it. Those who should know already do, and those who don't... well, they have no need to know. The vomitous feeling has finally left me though, and now I must stand back up. When you get knocked down you stand back up or you are defeated. That's the way life goes. Something like this, when I look back on it 60 years from now, will look so simple and rediculous. How foolish it would be to allow myself to be defeated by it. But there are steps I must take to stand back up.

First and foremost I must master my anger. I do not get angry openly very often, but when I do it is basically the same scenario as when I am openly distraught. I don't get that way very often so I become very unstable due to lack of experience. I generally try to drive because that usually helps curb my irrationality. It is something that I have placed in my mind as a strict responsibility, which is probably the reason I haven't been in an accident yet. Secondly I pick up my guitar. I play music that sooths me even though I am angry (generally worship songs). Finally I just have to spend some time in prayer after that. This helps me get some sense of clarity back. I have done some stupid things when angry before though. Not stupid illegal, but stupid destructive (if that makes sense).

Secondly, I must limit the time I have to myself. If I am alone then I will dwell on the situation, creating a series of intertangled scenarious that make sense and explain what I do not quite understand. Finally I accept these generally distorted ideas as fact which proovs is very self destructive as well as potentially destructive towards others. All of this because I spent too much time alone thinking. Until I have control over my thoughts, I cannot spend much time alone period.

Finally I just can't talk about it or even do things that remind me of it. I must break away from everything that is in any way connected to it. This is used to defeat the birth of thought. If i see an object that is in some way affiliated with a past experience, I will then think about that past experience and it will trail all the way to the most recent and torturous experience.

In essence, all of these things will take severe discipline and prayer. I fear that I have already torched the bridge I came accross, so now the only way to go is forward into unknown terrain. God will guide me through it all though, hopefully teaching me what it is that I am supposed to learn. That, of course, is dependant upon the state of my heart. I must make myself vulnerable to learn just as a student must make himself vulnerable to learn in a classroom environment. It's the difference between an A and an F.

Aside from all that, today transpired quite well. There were no major projects, papers, or tests in any of my two classes, and I spent some quality time with my friends. Photography also went well today. I've got some good pictures that I will be posting shortly, so keep your eyes open. There is also a mouse that has nested under my fridge. Obviously he doesn't know my reputation around here. He will surly die a painful death that will remind his mouse brethren that I am not a host of their kind. I no longer use mouse traps to catch mice... no no... I catch them as a hunter catches small prey. I will immerge victorious! I would also appreciate a haircut right now, but I don't think that is anywhere in the near future. I'm just going to have to let it get rediculous looking before it can go short again. My hair is about as long as the length of time it has been this long (brainbuster).

So, I will keep composure. I will do my job. I will do my work. I will not give in though life seems to have me completely surrounded at this point. So much misfortune keeps arrising, one after the other, and it all seems to be piling up in an instant. If it were merely one thing, I could easily master it on my own, but I know God is with me and I know that He knows I cannot do this alone. If I did not have that assurance, I would be sick right now both physically and mentally. I will take joy in my suffering. I will take patience. I will curb my malicious thoughts. I will not disreguard the possibility that I... could be wrong. My eyes will burn for a short time, this much is certain, but not a single tear will fall. I no longer am capable, as I discovered last night. I can sob, but I can't shed tears. Does this serve a purpose?

Peace and Love

Interesting Enough

This is just what I was talking about. My theory on the cycle of a woman's relationship interest is proving itself over and over again. I've been observing from the sidelines lately and have noticed women looking around more than usual. I've caught a few of them giving even I that glance when they think you're not watching. That's a fun concept to play around with. The lifeguard sunglass trick can come in quite handy. All you do is slap on a pair of sunglasses and sit in one still location. When you wish to observe someone's true character, pretend that you are looking in an opposite direction while in fact you are still looking at them. This is when you can tell. For some reason people feel more comfortable staring at someone who wears sunglasses. Their eyes at this point tell a great deal about them because they feel like they are themselves not being monitored. Try it out sometime.

Speaking of trying things out, I did my medical study today which was quite nice. I just napped for a few hours while they monitored me and I got payed a hefty amount. I've done alot of necessary sleeping today. I never get enough rest, so I try to catch up as much as possible. Not much else has happened though. I'm finally caught up on alot of my work, so my stress level has reduced somewhat, and my head is getting more and more clear as each day passes.

I don't really have much else to talk about, though I might add more before I go to bed. Hey,, anything could happen in the next five hours. Peace and Love.

All I Need is the Sun

Today wasn't half bad at all. My test was super easy, and Valentine's Day wasn't as prominently on my mind as I thought it would have been. Anyways, I joined the fraternity at ten and went around serenading girls and giving them roses for a while. That gave me a sense of satisfaction, and my spirits were pretty high from then on. After than Matt and I went back to his appartment and we cooked hot wings for lunch while watching re-runs of The Incredible Hulk. I love hot wings and old 70's television series. What a great combination. After all that I worked the desk, went to audio lab, went to spanish and then went with Viking to print out his Valentine's Day cards that he and Stuffy made. Pretty funny if I do say so myself. After that I worked out, showered and went on duty. Duty was pretty lax tonight even though I went on extra rounds just in attempts to catch sneakers, but to no avail. Lucky them. Chubbs got the dancing Tom Jones hamster back that was stolen from Mitch over Christmas, so we had a big celebration with the reunification of all the Pembroke talking animals. Kibbe also gave me a back and foot massage because she felt sorry for me since I was on duty on Valentine's Day night. Thank you Kibbe, if you read this journal.

Alas, here are my other happenings. Operation "ACJ" as many of you have come to learn of is still going strong. There have been a few hitches left and right, but what can I say... I love toiling with danger. I also have a new screen name, but it's one of those things that if I don't send it to people, they don't get it, so it's not going to be posted. Not to worry, all of my loyal readers have I'm pretty sure, and if not, I'll figure out who soon. The purpose is to move on in life. Leave behind stuff that gives you identity with that present and grasp on to new identity of this present. There are just some things that can't go along for the entire ride.

So here's my hypothesis guys. It's a hypothesis on the cycles of women. This is the day. Yes, today is the day that starts off the season. Valentine's Day is notorious for making women feel inadiquate. "I don't have a boyfriend to make me feel special today. There must be something wrong with me." The fuse is lit. It doesn't take much time at all, and generally comes with the warmer weather the idea that "There's nothing wrong with me, and I can proove it by getting a boyfriend." This is where we men must be on guard. Women who payed you no attention before will begin to initiate conversation with you and flirt with you. Don't be a prisoner. The reason I say this is that come September their thought process evolvs into "Well, point proven, but I guess I'm better off without this guy after all." Guess where that leaves you? Yeah, you know. These many observations came to me today, and I've already done some past testing without even knowing it. It's true.

Other than that, the weather has finally become appealing. I think the weather is directly attached to my mood, so I enjoy a nice sunny day. Tomorrow is going to be sunny at 75! I can't wait to wear more shorts and sandles, but tomorrow will also come early, so I'd probably better get to sleep. Peace and Love.

Lyrics like Liquor

This was the peace after the storm, or maybe just the eye. I still can't help but feel a little tied up at times, but for the most part, if I can stay busy, there's not much time for thinking. Thoughts can be so self destructive. Right now I'm on duty, doing what it is that duty consists of, which generally isn't much until after duty is "over". That's when all the crap hits the fan. So being bored out of my mind on weekend nights isn't too much of an odity for me anymore. I usually end up working most every weekend and my friends don't tend to do too much anymore either. Also, the fact that I'm an RA means I'm bound to a certain level of responsibility a.k.a. I can't be as crazy for entertainment purposes as much as I was last year.

So I got payed yesterday, filled up my gas tank, and went out to take pictures today. It was nice to get away from campus for a while. All of my woes seem to be centralized here and no where else. I'm glad I can atleast isolate emotions to places, even if it is in the place I live. All that does for me is it gets my mind on other things when I leave. I like to leave frequently, and today was perfect for it. I even wore my shorts and sandles like I do in the summer. I love warm air and warm nights. I love just being outside. I think it's because I hate stale air and florescent lights, or maybe I just like the occasional sensations of anonimity that I get when I leave. Any way I look at it, I've got to clear a weekend soon just to go camping. I really need to get out of here, probably by myself. That would be best because I have alot to think about, and I can't have any distractions. I have to be careful when I'm alone though. It's so easy to victimize yourself when you're isolated, and then there's no one to help protect you.

I'm listening to familiar music right now. It's the kind of music that is directly corrolated with memory, both good and bad. It can be a means of escape, but it can also inflict damage. I don't feel particularly damaged right now, but I'll be careful. Anyways, what else has been happening? I have a test on Monday, and some online homework to work on that's going to take forever. I also have a recording session tomorrow after church. That will be fun. Working out is getting better. I'm getting stronger and I can notice more drastic changes even though I still weigh the same. My hair is longer than ever, but it's the last thing on my mind. How I look is the last thing on my mind really. It's all in attempts to stop thinking about women. Honestly it's like trying to break from caffeen, but I'll get there. Speaking of caffeen. I miss sitting outside at Starbucks in the summer with the guys and just talking about life. You really take a moment for granted when it's happening, but when it's gone, its value increases. I also miss playin guitar with the old band guys. People that actually enjoy and respect music and don't analyze it to death. People who just get drunk in the song with you. That's what I miss. I look for people who have that quality, and those are the ones that I play my music for. Not too many of them around here, but then again, this is Nashville. Sure some folks say they like my music, but ya know, what else are they going to say. It's not something somebody can hide from me when I'm playing for them. When I play for someone, I can read them like a book if they get lost in my song. I've probably played for about four folks who truly appreciate it, but not a single girl has despite what they say. I can read very well. That's probably good though. It serves its purpose. My wife will love my song because she, unlike everyone else, will know what they mean. That's one of the few secrets that I keep. I never reveal the true meaning of any of my songs. I did some of them once, but she deserved it, being that they were all about her. Other than than, no one else knows or could know unless they knew me to my deepest core. Anyways, I've got to go do my job. Hope you all are having a great Saturday and I hope your Sunday is truly blessed. Peace and Love.

Headache of Impending Pooh

What a bizzarre and unpleasant day today was. It totally caught me off guard too because I was having such an amazing week over all. Stuff has just hit the fan in so many ways, I guess I should have seen it all coming, but I didn't. I really need a serious vacation, and by vacation I mean go away from here for a week and totally relax, but I have a grim feeling that I won't be receiving a vacation at all this year. That's kinda sad to think about, but oh well, maybe I'll just choose not to. It would also be nice to have a visitor or something like last year, but I don't think that will happen either. I'm in it for the long haul.

I suppose I should clear up some vaguearies for you that have been included in my last few journals. I usually don't do that, but being that I know the party involved does not read my journal, my reservations are a little less strict. The "thoughts" I've been attempting to conquer concern a relationship that I'm kinda trying my best to get over. It wasn't really that complicated or serious I guess. It was just a long long time of... well... nothing, and when I look back, there was probably only about three weeks collectively of mutual interest, but the process itself has carried on for almost six months. I can't seem to figure out why I allow myself to get caught up in stuff like this. I always see the warning signs right from the start, but I never listen, as if I expect it to maybe be different this time. Grrrr! It makes me angry to just think about it. It's a part of me that I have little control over, and I hate that. Why am I so caught up in something that really wasn't that big a thing? I wasn't even in love. Trust me, I know what that's like.

I still have faith in love though. Love can be the most beautiful thing if it is mutual, but one way it is the most destructive and agonizing part of existence that I have experienced. I think I just have relationship learning disabilities though. Pretty rediculous, huh? Yeah, well I don't know what else to call it. I just have to get this all off my chest or I'm liable to punch a hole in a wall or something. I'm serious! It was building up in me all day. Working out helped a little bit, but now I'm all angry again. I'm not angry at that person, but angry... angry at the whole concept of it. Angry at the fact that I'm still angry. Angry at the fact that I haven't been able to put it completely behind me yet. I can't say that it isn't getting better though. I'm able to focus more now-a-days and I have things to keep me busy most of the time, but it's just this once-in-a-while occurance that gets me pretty steamed.

Having said all that, I feel alot better... I'm not tired though. Me and my genious decided to take a nap at 10 o'clock instead of just going straight to bed. I guess my only option is just to lie in bed until I pass. Tomorrow is going to be so busy, I can't afford to be tired like I was today... and yesterday... and the day before that... and the day before that... I've got pictures to take, serious homework to accomplish, and duty tomorrow night that'll keep me up till one. Oh well, feels good to talk, even if my audience doesn't have a face. Peace and Love to you.

I'm BACK

Hurray for being efficient! I haven't gotten everything done that I have before me this week, but I'm very close. I just got done having a really good day too. Everything seems to be going very well. I have conquered many of my thoughts, and have gotten back into the swing of things. The gym was also on my list of accomplishments today which made me happy. It was hard work to get back in, but I enjoy the pain. I don't know how I'll fair tomorrow though because I worked out my legs for the first time in a long long time. I suspect I shall be a bit soar, but not too bad.

I can't believe how tired I was today after having said all that. I mean I was spent! I started to knod off in Business Law after the first ten minutes alone! Luckily during the break I went against my regulations and got a fappochino to pick me up. I also ate healthily, purchasing a bag of nuts and a bag of dried fruit. Dinner was huge also. They had fried chicken which is my favorite caf meal. I ate tons and even went in for ice cream.

Tomorrow will be just as long today, though I do expect to take a nap after Audio I. I need to catch up on some work and I have an interview at 1:00 for RA placement next year. I'm not worried about any of it. I'm more so worried about my weight. Who in the world looses weight when they DON'T work out?!? I've been on protein for a little over a month now, and I didn't work out for almost two weeks and I LOST weight! That makes no sense! My metabolizm just won't let me win! So be it! I shall find a way.

My largest accomplishment was the writing and recording of a new song. It's called "Open Door Prison" and it's about a guy who doesn't seem to want to let go of a girl even though he should. After I wrote it I felt so good. It's because songs I write are literally a part of me, and getting that part of me out was quite nice. It's not the greatest song in the world, but I hope to work more with it to get all the kinks out. Anyways, I'm going to bed now because I have that blasted eight o'clock in the morning. I have great plans on training myself to get out of bed earlier in the morning, but one of those plans is to go to bed earlier. See ya soon. Peace and Love.

Place of Residence: Reality

A time to relax has yet to fall into my lap, but I'm dealing well these days. Today, though terribly bussy, was good I think because atleast I was efficient. No time at all was wasted and I accomplished much. Though I am still burdoned by the same old thoughts, I'm faring better, and learning to live again. I can't really analogize how I feel very well, and you know I love to make analogies, but maybe not making an analogy would be best in this situation. I would be concentrating on it a little too hard to forget about it, which is what I'm trying to do. The thing that probably bothers me the most is that I feel like the only one who remembers what happened. The rest of the world doesn't seem to even acknowledge the whole thing came about. What's the deal with that? Was it that meaningless that it was so easy to forget? The harsh, but true answer is obviously yes.

"Get used to harsh answers if you want the truth Nathan. If you want to be cradled and passified, then you will often have to sacrifice truth. It is rare, in these situations, to possess both."

These are the things I tell myself throughout the day as I find myself being battered at the most unexpected times. How many times have I lied because the truth would have been painful to bare? I'd like to say none, but I'm talking about telling the truth now aren't I?

Talking to yourself is a funny thing. Not many people do it, but I have a feeling there are many who wouldn't admit to it because it is... well... sorta weird. I do, and I admit that because I already wear a "weird" lable with pride. I often argue with myself about issues that I must confront much like a congressional debate. Sometimes I end up in a phillibuster though and I get no where fast. Part of me has already made up its mind and it doesn't listen to reason or emotion, depending on which side has the floor. That would be the kind of debate that gets me into these very situations. My emotional side is usually the more stubborn of the two. I gather all sorts of logical evidence against taking action, but I do it anyways because my emotional side just ignors it all. I can seriously remember every debate with myself of which the outcome slammed me 9 feet under. The song and letter I wrote that one night three years ago. I debated whether or not to deliver it, and I went against all reason, shut my eyes, and did it. Also, sitting in the gazebo that one night almost six months ago intoxicated by song, my emotional side fully awake and aware while my rationality was passified by the melody. I went against all reason and logic and wound up in the exact same place as before. Here, holding memory while the rest of the world denies its occurance. One would think I would have learned my lesson by now... HA! That's a laugh! I would do it again if the right words or even the right look crossed my way. Tragic flaw or not, this is who I am.

Love. Love to me is 100% purely poetic. This makes me old fashioned and generally feared by the majority of society. It's a freakish thing. I've written countless songs about it, most of which no other ear has heard, but love to me is the last great thing life has to offer. Don't get me wrong though. I have pleanty of love from family and friends, and especially God (you know, Him being love and all), but I wait for the last form. I just feel like it's so close, kind of like riding in a car for days trying reach your destination and then being simply a few miles away. I've always waited for this, but until now it has seemed as if I were getting ahead of myself. I don't feel that way anymore. But you know how when you're riding in a car for a long time and then you fall asleep and the trip time gets cut in half? That's what I think I need to do. I need to just relax and forget about it enough to fall asleep. Then I will wake up and be at the doorstep.

I will endure. I always say that, I know, but I will. This is all just experience and nothing more. Without it who would I be? There would be no depth to me at all and I would simply wander around without meaning or purpose. I am satisfied with the way my life is right now, maybe not directly, but in general. These are the experiences of life that I am greatful to receive. I desire no pitty nor remorse, but plain and simple understanding. That's about it. Tomorrow, again, a bussy day. I will try to get to the gym again, but I can make no promises as of yet. Peace and Love.

My Kamikazi Spirit and Me: The True Story

There's so much here to enjoy and just as much, if not more, to break a man in half. I can't seem to stress enough how difficult this year has been in dealings with school, work, and relationships. Now on top of that I've got several issues back home that need dealing with. In the midst of all of this though, I've come out feeling like Peter from Office Space. There's so much to think about, I don't even try to start. I just go through each day dealing with whatever it is that comes to the door first. This must be my self defense mechanism or something because without it I would have probably gone crazy and started to chase cars in the parking lot by now. I jest of course, but at the same time, I'm sort of serious. If I were to think about all of my problems right now, I would seriously be messed up. It's that whole introspective way of living that will kill a man, and just as you can't force me to get to know a stranger, I can't force myself to know myself better, so why waste the time.

It's funny though, the thoughts that take precident over the others. One would think that I would be concentrating in the order of importance. I'm not upset about the obvious though, I'm upset about the things of the heart. Money is not of the heart, neither is school work, neither is the business of my schedule. All of these are existing problems in my life that are somewhat serious, but I don't seem to have a problem giving any of them to God. I think it is because those things, the things not of the heart, absolutely disgust me to no end and I have no interest in them though I still heed their importance. The things of the heart are much more difficult to yield to God. I think this is because the pain exists with or without mental effort, but maybe God has not taken it from me because I can handle it and because it will make me stronger to endure. Could be. Maybe the hardest thing to accept is that I'm better off... atleast I sure tell myself that quite often. It's something easy to say that rolls off the tongue with about as little effort as it takes to hear it. It takes more than simple soothing words to calm myself down though. Sometimes it takes more than even a song can bring. Sometimes I'm left up at night for hours being tormented by it until I'm too tired to stay awake, but that doesn't change much because dreams are just as accessible. It's ironic how that when I think about it all in a rational state of mind, it seems so rediculous and stupid. So what's left is to brainwash myself in a bath of positive thinking... Nah. I can't stand that option. I'm not the kind of person to pretend I'm so rediculously happy in attempts to run from something. I don't necissarily show my sorrowed states of emotion in public, but I also don't hide them behind plastic smiles.

I'm being tested plain and simple. I'm in my own desert right now and I am being tempted and tested in all areas. I'm not quite as strong, no, not near as strong as Jesus was, but I still press on. God knows I don't give up if there is value in the goal, which there is, and I know there is. I can see it. It seems like I'm always fighting though. Why must I fight? Do I secretly enjoy it and the pain that comes with it? I wouldn't put it past me. I think there is a part of me that does honestly. It's that same part of me that will grab ahold of a torch breath gas into it, that will fight a man in the ring until I'm physically incapable of getting back up, that will get under weight way too heavy for me to lift and try to lift it anyways, that will jump off the highest high dive just to say to myself that I did, that will chase a girl knowing from the very start deep down where it will all end but going anyways. It is the same side of me that would march to certain death in battle, not looking back for a second. It is irrational. It is my foolish side, but also my more interesting side. I wouldn't trade it for another, but maybe I just have to bridle it a bit more. It will be useful to me or somebody someday, I know it.

So let me talk about today. It was fast and busy, but moreso than the typical Monday. I had meetings and obligation and I didn't get back to my room until around 9:30, and still I had not accomplished all I had set out to do. This means that tomorrow will be just as busy, but whatever. The main event of the day was RUSH. I, if you didn't know, am RUSH chair for Phi Mu Alpha Sinfonia, and tonight I was throwing a Wing-a-Palooza. I started cooking at 4:45 and ended around 9:00 with 20lbs of hotwings under my belt... actually under the belts of all the guys that ate them. I felt that it was a success, though I am exhausted right now. Everyone seemed to really enjoy them and that's all I needed to know. Now I'm going to attempt to write some music before I go to bed, but it was nice sharing with you. Peace and Love.

Let it Off

I'm doin well today. I didn't think I would be, but I am. I am thankful to God that He has finally blessed me with a day of rest and mental clarity. I can only pray that this lasts a bit longer before I am cast back into training. These days start off early and generally end late. I did receive an opportunity to take a nap today unlike yesterday so my mood was hightened. I do realize my schedule is about to tripple in content, but this and tomorrow atleast will give me some preperation.

In my good mood I found great confidence in speech and presence today. I usually conatin confidence of some form, but rarely do I let it show. I don't know why today I felt so different. I would simply make eye contact with girls passing by and they would smile nervously. It is an incredible power, the eye. I don't like to use it that often because I find it too dangerous. You can send way too many signals with just a simple glare or glance in the wrong direction. Generally I keep it to myself unless I have some use for it, whether it be an interview, a serious conversation... or occassionally, a wooing of sorts.

Tomorrow I'm going to Vanderbilt to look at medical studies though. I hope to find something that pays decently but with little time involved. I really need to make some extra cash, but I have little time to do so being an RA and all. I should probably consider getting some sleep now though. I have much to do tomorrow if I stay true to my schedule, as loosely structured as it is... but I have to tell you about this dream I had... cuz it was pretty weird. I was in this theater and we were watching Bruce Lee films... and then there was an intermission and I went into the lobby. There were two men, one European and the other Japanese. They were cooking something that caught my eye and I wanted it pretty badly. The Japanese man looked wise, and he was doing most of the work while the older European just watched from a corner occassionally yelling out cooking instructions to the Japanese man. The man was making soup with mushrooms and chives, and some kind of "special" chicken. I had in my hands fried chicken and he told me that if I gave him my bones, he would make something very good out of them, so I did. I think I woke up after that, but that was a pretty weird dream all the same. Well... I'm out for the night. Pretty tired and all, but have a great day tomorrow. I'm going to sure try. Peace and Love.

I'm Well... I Think

Here it is! I finally got the link for my pictures for you, http://community.webshots.com/user/guyandguitar so either save it to your favorites or reffer back to here to keep up to date.

So yesterday I was pretty sick, and even this morning I felt like death was pretty much eminent, however, after dinner and a good two hour nap, I feel revived and refreshed. I don't think I'm running a fever anymore, but I've never been good at guessing my own temperature. Other than that, I played a little catch-up today and I've got every major thing done this week that I need to worry about. There is one take home quize in business law that I expect to spend a few hours on tomorrow and Wednesday, but I'm pretty sure I'll get that done without a hitch.

Taxes are crunching down on me for the first time in my life. Never before have I made so much money in a year, and never before have I been so careless with that same money. Lot's of firsts in the financial department, and I now understand why the IRS is so incredibly loathed by society. I got another tax form and now I barely have enough money to buy a stamp to send it home. Some of the reason I'm so lacking in money is because I have greater financial need now. I have a phone bill and a car to take care of which consumes atleast $100 a month... and being that I only make about $100 a month... I'm sorta in a bind. I'm going to Vanderbilt tomorrow to check on some medical studies, but it will really be hard to do that with the kind of schedule I'm working off of. I really don't want to go into debt, and I'm going to try everything in my power not to.

It always seems that as a semester progresses, everything in life becomes more arduous. There are so many uncertainties that I'm going through right now. I was talking to someone about that last night for a good long while... Sometimes it helps to talk about such things, but I really have to be careful who I talk to about that. Sometimes things can become ten times more complicated when communicated to the wrong person. I think all there is left to do is to just do it and not think about it anymore. It's sort of like looking off of a high dive platform into the water below. You just have to close your eyes and do it. I am going to wait until I'm fully recovered before I make my first move, but it should be fairly soon. Also, I'm going back to the gym tomorrow. I expect to be pretty off because I've been out for three days, so we'll just have to see where I'm at. Hopefully, if I'm remembering correctly, my muscles will be stronger and better rested so my workouts will be more efficient. I'm planning on cutting back on cardio though. I think the protein is going out the window when I run so hard. I managed to get my mile time down to 6:15. The worlds fastest man ran it in 4 something if that gives you something to compare to. I got it down an entire minute last week. I started at 7:30. I'm really beginning to take shape though, and mentally I'm more on top of things. I can converse better most of the time, and I seem to be more articulate.

My problems aren't going to go away though. Nothing is going to solve them but God. Even if $1,000 feel in my lap tomorrow, I'd still be struggling with more than just that. The concepts of life never get easier, they just get progressively more difficult. It is then that we have to learn to cope... of course I've said that a million times, but every day the reality of it strikes me like a punch in the jaw. I'm out of my anti-girl funk though. It didn't last as long as I thought it would have. I don't know where I am right now, but we'll see. I don't know why it is so hard for me not to have someone to think about. It's been like this for me since I was in kindergarden, and every year from then on without faultering. Some have stayed in my mind for longer times than others, and I have only been truly in love once, but that's enough for me. Sometimes I wonder if this will prove beneficial in the end or if it will tear me down. I can't presume to know all the answers so I might as well not waste the time trying to figure it out. God knows I have better things to be thinking about right now than the distant future, something I have very little control over. I gotta get my head back into the present battle. I'm pretty wrestless right now though. I think all that sleep finally payed off but now I can't go to sleep anyways... and I have an eight o'clock tomorrow (gross). Whatever, I'm just going to lay in bed and try not to think about all this stuff. A nice dream would treat me quite well tonight. Peace and Love.