my heart seems to take up little space in my chest, but it weighs twenty pounds at least... my fingers are frozen right now, so typing is a bit hard. i just returned from outside where i was pouring out my soul into song. i find a secluded enough place at night to where no one can identify me and i belt it all out. usually it makes me feel good to do, but i just can't right now. there's so much on my mind. i find myself acting this role right now. i try to act normal in the presence of my friends here and not saddened by the loss of Phill. it is not my place to drag them down to a sad position, but it is hard. i have no one here to grieve with and that is hard. i want to just go home again and be with everybody there, but i can't. i have been placed here so it seems, and thus i must accomplish whatever it is that i'm here to accomplish.

will my heart ever completely mend? will this pain eventually yield a harvest? so much has happened over the course of the past month, and i just don't know where to go from here. i wasn't aware that i was capable of withstanding such torment. but me me me seems to be all i talk about. what about the torment of the people directly involved. isn't theirs much greater? yes, it is, but i feel all of it in my own heart. it has nevertheless been hard to push myself to work lately. to apply my mind to anything complex and logical seems almost impossible. all i am tempted to do is ask God questions, but asking God questions is not what He called me to do. He called me to trust Him. at times like these, such trust is quite difficult. nothing seems to make sense to me at all. this is chaos in my mind. my dreams portray the same. they are random and intense. there is this voice that keeps saying something, but i can't make out what it is saying, or even what language. it is muffled and behind a series of random sharp immages. this pain makes my relationship pain seem like a simple quick abrasion. i overheard someone trash-talking me to a group of girls tonight. she didn't notice that i was walking by, but ordinarily i would have been upset... livid... irate... but not tonight. i just leaned against a tree and smiled. it was a shot that went straight through me, leaving no trace behind. see, my body is already numb right now. nothing she could ever say, nor anyone could say, would put me to much concern. music wasn't even strong enough to break this haze, which frightens me. i'm sinking deeper, closing my eyes, and waiting for God to lift me back up.

i did have a nice conversation with a friend from home though. i find her to be a very interesting and funny girl. she's busy all the time, and quite hard to get ahold of, but i respect that. see, she's not busy because she feels like she should be. no, it's far deeper than that, i suspect. she works hard to support her family and to make her way through college. i respect that. that is a noble effort, and a rare gift. sincerity is a rare gift. but we talked tonight about life in general and the recent situation and all sorts of stuff. i really needed to get all of it off my chest, and i'm glad she was there to listen to my long winded yammering. it really helps me to talk to people from back home. they know who i am at my deepest core because they've spent time watching me grow just as much as i have watched them. the only thing is, it makes me miss being home. i just talked to a friend about how tired i am of being in nashville and being at belmont. i'm tired of having to deal daily with my failed relationship here. i'm tired of watching other people who are close to me move in and take my place. i'm tired of being complacent, of being known the way i am known. i just want to find peace, but i don't think that will happen any time soon. i'm in it for the long haul. Peace and love