Long Time

It has been quite a length of time since I last wrote in my journal. Much has happened since then... almost too much, which is why I haven't had the time to write. In fact, I should be doing something else right now, but writing has it's own value in my life which sometimes superseedes other duties. As of late, I have been wrestling with myself. I've been cast under a new spiritual light which has displayed me in a way that... well... isn't quite appealing. I have had this vision of where my life is headed, and I find it most discomforting. The reason being is because this year especially I have deemed it proper to remain at the helm instead of allowing God to do the work for me. This stubborness has gained me quite a list of troubles which have gotten me precisely nowhere. For instance, I was talking tonight to Brian about relationship problems and how, if I had the opportunity, I would go back in time and foil all of my attempts to initiate relationships with the girls I have seen. Why? Well, it's not that there weren't enjoyable times that went along with those relationships that still give me a warm thought or two, but the pain and suffering and used status that I developed through all of them just makes me feel... less. I envy those who have never been in a relationship before. My whole converstion consisted of a realization that I've had as of late. When I was with my first girlfriend, I broke her heart in such a cowardly way. She then went about and did things that damaged her life forever which I shall not mention, but know that they were serious. The second girl who broke up with me, hurt me just as I hurt my first girlfriend. Fortunately I had friends who supported me and helped me keep a straight path, but when, on my senior year, my first girlfriend returned to my high school, I looked at her, and I saw myself, my own pain. That is when all of the animosity I had stored up against my second girlfriend dissappeared. If I were to be angry with her, I would have had to have been equally angry with myself. I had no right to cast the blame. Then with the most recent girl I have seen... (keeping my words few on the subject out of respect) I don't know why it hurts so much. I think it's because it is simply a reminder of the wounds I received so long ago. It is a situation that has uncovered all of my insecurities from before, causing me to lash out irrationally from time to time. Talking to Brian, I slowly began to realize all of this, but this is where I am now. There IS no going back. I must learn how to develope with these things blemishing my past because they are the decisions I have made seperate from God's will. In that, I do not think it unfair at all for me to have to endure this pain, and eventually it WILL fade. I'm pretty confident of that.

Other than that, there are several other issues that I am struggling with right now, but they are more personal than the above, so I shall for now refrain from mentioning them. I can mention my workload though. I have so much work to do over the next week. It will be miraculous for me to complete all of it, but then again, it's the same story every year at this time. I shall hit tomorrow like a brick wall, waking with full momentum as opposed to rising and peaking mid-day. I am greatful for my life, as awkward as that sounds. I know it is difficult and unpleasant alot of the time, but I am still so young in the grand scheme of things. This is, after all, only my 7,675 day on this earth. What I will learn tomorrow and the next day, I shall attempt to learn in humility. Peace and Love.