Frank Sanatra, you have no idea man... I... I am a GRADE A JERK sometimes! Your songs make you look like some love guru. You sound like you know how to deal with the ladies and how to control your anger... of course looking at your personal life, I know that's not true, but how do I keep getting in to these situations? See, when I get angry, I don't want to talk... and tonight I wasn't angry at anyone but myself. Still, talking would be a bad idea. When I'm angry and I'm aprehended and cornered into talking, I tend to just loose it... but I don't want to. That's why I run... I don't want to blow up on anyone... It's just not my place to do so. It's really the only way I can control it as of now, and I'm working on it, but my heart and head are so confused right now. My earth, my reality has completely crumbled. All of these things coming at me at once. Some things I tend to make a big deal that aren't, but other things are a VERY big deal. Phillip was a VERY VERY big deal to me. He would never have gotten into this predicament. We were always the most different in the way we delt with things out of our group of close friends. He was always calm and saught God first, while me... I tended to be irrational and do it my way first, only then realizing that God knew the best way all along. Seems like I never learn. I think I know every detail of something, I say something stupid in turn, and then it turns into something I never intended it to become. Then I run away. I'm a coward. I'm lowly and not worth much investment... I've gotta change. I've gotta learn. O God, how do you see beauty in this weak figure of flesh?
Oh well... I'm not prepared to deal with it tonight. I have a most difficult and busy day ahead of me tomorrow and I just have to get some sleep. I'm sure I'll be facing many who's impression of me has decreased quite a bit since today... It is nothing more than what I have earned. Well, to all of you who have been fortunate enough to miss this storm, Peace and Love... to the rest of you... you are all in my prayers.
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