Close to the End

This year is ever winding down. There's not too much left for me to do in the grand scheme of things, but it is all condensed into the next three weeks, so it will sure feel like alot. I don't know what else to do but to reflect on my life this year. Summer life is different, so it is very much like one chapter closing, a bit of an intermission, and then the beginning of a new chapter. Each one is different from the previous, either immensely or not so much, but always full of new lessons. So what have I learned this year? Wow, I'd have to say quite a bit. My heart murmurs just thinking about it. I don't generally try to find failure in myself as I know that there is little I can do about the past, but this year there is just so much. I look back and I see how immature I was in the way I went about dealing with life's punches. For instance, I started up in this relationship, and just because it didn't go my way, I acted like a middle schooler. Now I know that it wasn't meant to be, but why couldn't I be a man about it? No, for some reason my stubborness and irrationality decided to come out in full offense to make her feel as bad as I possibly could because I didn't get what I wanted. How insecure of me! So what did I learn from that? I learned that just because I am a man in form and social status doesn't mean that all of my childish insecurities just vanished into thin air. They can come back if I spend enough time looking for them. Maybe it's just not in my cards to be with anyone until I graduate from this place. I can't afford to hurt someone else. What is more, I failed to stand firm in my moral fabric amongst my college friends. Not to say that I totally went overboard, but I failed all the same to stand firm in my beliefs. Just goes to show that a small crack in the dam can become a gaping hole if not carefully and immediately treated. But above all else, my highest failure this year has been my complete and utter distraction, not by women or moral strenght, but in myself in general. I have payed so much attention to me and my misfortune and my failure that I haven't spent much time at all looking to Christ for answers and guidance. This summer, Nathan must get his self lost... permanently.

But enough about failure. One would think by reading my journal that I'm one of the most glum people alive. I'm generally not, and the only reason I write like I am is because happiness I can easily express, but my expression of anger and disappointment are a bit harder, so I write them down in song or in simple text alone. This year I have learned a great deal about manhood. What must I prepare for, how much do I actually have to do before I'm ready to face the world. This discovery, though a biproduct of failure, was not discouraging at all. I learned just how much pain I am capable of bearing and have the confidence that God is preparing me for something great just as soon as I can get over the whole self thing. Another thing... certainly I have expressed enough grief over my failed relationship, but there was indeed joy in it while it lasted. That much I cannot deny. Also I made numerous friends and was placed in situations that have helped me stretch as a human being both physically and spiritually. I have been blessed with the mending of an old failed relationship which I am absolutely thrilled about. My sister is getting married. I'm going back to Ghana this summer. I'm making larger and more complex decisions with greater ease and insight. I'm finding the direction of my future to be clearing up (God willing). I was able to take Audio 1 with good friends and I learned a great deal about my field. I'm also learning a great deal about self discipline. Though certainly I have not mastered it by any means, I think that one should be able to control his physical self in all aspects. This way, it is easier for the spirit to dominate the body. Finally, I've learned that country women in houseboats know pretty much all there is about being a good wife. They're knowledgeable, pretty, modest, and when they need to be, tough. Yeah, so I'm watching another old movie on AMC. So what, I've got a soft spot or two. Hehe, well that's enough of my yammering. I'm going to try and get some sleep tonight as I will be quite busy for the rest of the week. Wish me luck! Peace and love.