How Far Ahead

What plans do I have? I don't really know right now. I know what I want in the near future, and I know what I want in the distant future, but it's not about what I want, but what I need and what I will receive. It can be so mindless, the succession of day after day, to where we forget why we are here, until the light flisks back on and we realize... that we have been long lost in a thick crowd of complacency, merely driftin through daily routine. It's easy to see. Turn your head a simple 180 degrees, or better yet, look into a mirror. Maybe you'll see it there. It's more common than air it seems like. People staggaring around without purpose, doing what they do because... "hey, it's there, so why not?" We're at school, but why? We get jobs, but why? We get upset over complications... but why? How much do we feel that we should actually feel, and how much do we feel that we feel because we feel like we should (... ? )? This was just a simple pondry I had today. I want to know what I feel legitemately and what I feel because I know no other way, so I suppose I will give it some more thought, as confusing as it may be.

I'm getting closer and closer to finishing my school work for good. I've got a few projects and a few papers to go, but I bet if I put one solid day to it, I could get it ALL done with little problem. I'm not that crazy though. I still value a certain amount of free time, and a certain amount of sanity. So... I'll finish one project tomorrow, and then maybe two on Friday, bumping one to Saturday if needs be. I've really got to get more sleep though. My eyes have been twitching on and off, which means I'm incredibly sleep deprived. I've been learning a few secrets here and there about how to get a better night's sleep. For me, more time for sleep isn't really an option. I value my time at night very much because it is the only time where I can sit and digest just what exactly happened during the day. Now sometimes I'll talk about it here, but then other times I might just juggle it around in my head a few times before I put it away. I've been accused of working too hard on this journal before, but the honest truth is... I don't really put any effort into it at all... Sometimes I just close my eyes and start typing what comes to my mind, and other times I'm usually multi-tasking. Right now, for example, I'm watching a movie while I write. I mean it is possible to type and not look at the screen. Just have confidence in your typing abilities. But anyways, I heard it was really good for you to type out your problems and concerns before you go to sleep, and to put next to them some possible solutions. I find this to be a secular way of saying "pray". But anyways, there's that, but even before that, you should sit for a few minutes and just calm down, but even before that... you should organize your sleeping quarters and make it a routine so that when you do, your body knows that it is close to bed time. I've been trying it, and it's all been pretty successful thus far, but sleep still gets a bit tricky when you have a 70 year old radiator next to your head. That thing clicks and shakes all night usually, but when it is broken like mine is, it spews a watery mist from a crack aimed right at my face... This recent progression of the damage might be the reason why I'm so sleep deprived... Maybe I'll just have to learn how to sleep in the rain or something. Hehe, well I could always try to fix it myself, but I'd rather not have two water fountains in my room.

Okay, so that's as much as I'm going to type tonight. What am I doing tomorrow? Lot's of stuff as usual. Maybe I'll take some time off to fly a kite or something, or bake cookies. Peace and love.

Sometimes... Wait WHAT?

Okay, the title just happened to come out of my hand because I have nothing clever floating around in my grey matter tonight that might appeal to your senses. In other words, it has nothing to do with my topic. None the less, it was an interesting day. I woke up early this morning because I was under the impression that I was classifiable as a junior for next year. Silly ol me! Evidently the credits for this semester don't count for this registration so alas... I am still a simple sophomore. That means that I will have to wake up early tomorrow to register, but oh well. It's not really that bad of a deal I suppose. Let's just hope I get my classes. But continuing on with the day... I was really really tired, so I decided to take a three hour nap after audio class. When I woke up at twelve, I went to eat lunch and then went to Spanish class. It was odd... I remember actually being motivated to do my work! I don't know what got into me! But then there was work and the usual. I guess I just felt good. I made a few phone calls for summer employment and that was nice to get out of the way. I also wrote a letter. Tonight was pretty cool too. I asked a girl to go to the formal with me, and she said she would. I'm looking forward to it. So now I'm watchin a movie and going to bed. I'll be up extra early so we'll see where tomorrow takes me. Peace and love.

Close to the End

This year is ever winding down. There's not too much left for me to do in the grand scheme of things, but it is all condensed into the next three weeks, so it will sure feel like alot. I don't know what else to do but to reflect on my life this year. Summer life is different, so it is very much like one chapter closing, a bit of an intermission, and then the beginning of a new chapter. Each one is different from the previous, either immensely or not so much, but always full of new lessons. So what have I learned this year? Wow, I'd have to say quite a bit. My heart murmurs just thinking about it. I don't generally try to find failure in myself as I know that there is little I can do about the past, but this year there is just so much. I look back and I see how immature I was in the way I went about dealing with life's punches. For instance, I started up in this relationship, and just because it didn't go my way, I acted like a middle schooler. Now I know that it wasn't meant to be, but why couldn't I be a man about it? No, for some reason my stubborness and irrationality decided to come out in full offense to make her feel as bad as I possibly could because I didn't get what I wanted. How insecure of me! So what did I learn from that? I learned that just because I am a man in form and social status doesn't mean that all of my childish insecurities just vanished into thin air. They can come back if I spend enough time looking for them. Maybe it's just not in my cards to be with anyone until I graduate from this place. I can't afford to hurt someone else. What is more, I failed to stand firm in my moral fabric amongst my college friends. Not to say that I totally went overboard, but I failed all the same to stand firm in my beliefs. Just goes to show that a small crack in the dam can become a gaping hole if not carefully and immediately treated. But above all else, my highest failure this year has been my complete and utter distraction, not by women or moral strenght, but in myself in general. I have payed so much attention to me and my misfortune and my failure that I haven't spent much time at all looking to Christ for answers and guidance. This summer, Nathan must get his self lost... permanently.

But enough about failure. One would think by reading my journal that I'm one of the most glum people alive. I'm generally not, and the only reason I write like I am is because happiness I can easily express, but my expression of anger and disappointment are a bit harder, so I write them down in song or in simple text alone. This year I have learned a great deal about manhood. What must I prepare for, how much do I actually have to do before I'm ready to face the world. This discovery, though a biproduct of failure, was not discouraging at all. I learned just how much pain I am capable of bearing and have the confidence that God is preparing me for something great just as soon as I can get over the whole self thing. Another thing... certainly I have expressed enough grief over my failed relationship, but there was indeed joy in it while it lasted. That much I cannot deny. Also I made numerous friends and was placed in situations that have helped me stretch as a human being both physically and spiritually. I have been blessed with the mending of an old failed relationship which I am absolutely thrilled about. My sister is getting married. I'm going back to Ghana this summer. I'm making larger and more complex decisions with greater ease and insight. I'm finding the direction of my future to be clearing up (God willing). I was able to take Audio 1 with good friends and I learned a great deal about my field. I'm also learning a great deal about self discipline. Though certainly I have not mastered it by any means, I think that one should be able to control his physical self in all aspects. This way, it is easier for the spirit to dominate the body. Finally, I've learned that country women in houseboats know pretty much all there is about being a good wife. They're knowledgeable, pretty, modest, and when they need to be, tough. Yeah, so I'm watching another old movie on AMC. So what, I've got a soft spot or two. Hehe, well that's enough of my yammering. I'm going to try and get some sleep tonight as I will be quite busy for the rest of the week. Wish me luck! Peace and love.

Only in Nashville

It was pretty cold out today, but that didn't stop the Musica Caliente festival that was right outside my front door. It was kinda cool to watch/listen to all of the music/dancing. Only in Nashville will you have a 40 degree differencein temperature between two days though. No worries... I didn't really spend much time outside anyways, and it's not as if the past week hasn't been pleasant enough. I suppose it was due time for some dreary weather of sorts. "If the sky was always blue, there'd be only desert." So having company has been nice. We spent time roaming around, which I never really get to do that often. I guess I take Nashville for granted when I live here all the time. I think I know it well enough until someone actually comes for me to show around. Then I realize just how much I don't know. We had a good time anyways. We checked out the two studios and we spent some time driving around. We also spent some time at Mellow Mushroom and had good conversation about Christian theology. I find I don't get to have too many conversations like that around Belmont. So many people are bitter against God here, making all these excuses about how Christians have set them against God. I'm sorry, but I've been in similar situations, and I know first hand that no one sets you against God but yourself. You can cast blame all you wan't, and if you think you're "getting back" at God by being bitter against Him... well that's a bad place to be. Life isn't guarunteed enough to keep that kind of mentality nor is it long enough to "figure yourself out or get your life cleaned up". Those are all seemingly poor excuses to put off facing fears, namingly giving up your self. I'm not standing here saying that as a superior, unscathed by sin. But just as a reformed alcoholic has the right to speak out against the evils of alcohol, I feel I have the right to speak out against the evils of a stagnant, self destructive, excuse filled lifestyle. Anyways, tomorrow should be nice, weather wise. I'm still fighting every day, and learning just the same. I hope to always be fighting and learning as long as I live, but fighting with peace of mind and heart, as well as love. Peace and love.

Enough is Enough

Enough of these boring and depressing journals. What is my problem after all? Do I not have ten times more than I deserve? I'm having a pretty good day today, and not much is going to ruin it. Sure I can't go to the free Juliana Theory concert tonight because I'm stuck working the desk, but who cares? I'm sure I can find something entertaining to do within that three hours. As for school, I'm pretty much done. There are, of course, a few minor details to trim off, as well as the whole issue with me getting a summer job, but that's small business as far as I'm concerned. I think the rest of the year will flow relatively well in retrospect. Not much could happen between now and the end of the semester that could throw me down on the ground. The past few months have increased my strength ten fold, and I finally rested enough to get back up in be in full preperation for whatever comes next. I look at my problems right now and I laugh. They're so simple and meaningless, and in a few years I won't even remember them. Why, then, should I spend valuable time worrying about them? I've got to learn to take all of that time spent worrying and utilize it for something more productive, like applying it to getting a job for the summer. But even this summer will come and go just as fast. God has it all worked out for me, it's just a matter of me consulting Him. We all know that I'm stubborn and attempt to do it on my own, but maybe if I'm as strong as I feel, I can relinquish that desire. We'll see. As of right now, Mike and Shelly are visiting me. They got in late last night and now they're out on a photo shoot of some kind. I'm not sure what we'll do tonight after I get off of work, but I'll think of something. Everything else is great. I'm finally able to relax, and my weekend nights aren't going to be spent in the studio for the first time in a few months. I think I even have enough time to take a quick nap right now... Yep... I do... Peace and love.

Long Time

It has been quite a length of time since I last wrote in my journal. Much has happened since then... almost too much, which is why I haven't had the time to write. In fact, I should be doing something else right now, but writing has it's own value in my life which sometimes superseedes other duties. As of late, I have been wrestling with myself. I've been cast under a new spiritual light which has displayed me in a way that... well... isn't quite appealing. I have had this vision of where my life is headed, and I find it most discomforting. The reason being is because this year especially I have deemed it proper to remain at the helm instead of allowing God to do the work for me. This stubborness has gained me quite a list of troubles which have gotten me precisely nowhere. For instance, I was talking tonight to Brian about relationship problems and how, if I had the opportunity, I would go back in time and foil all of my attempts to initiate relationships with the girls I have seen. Why? Well, it's not that there weren't enjoyable times that went along with those relationships that still give me a warm thought or two, but the pain and suffering and used status that I developed through all of them just makes me feel... less. I envy those who have never been in a relationship before. My whole converstion consisted of a realization that I've had as of late. When I was with my first girlfriend, I broke her heart in such a cowardly way. She then went about and did things that damaged her life forever which I shall not mention, but know that they were serious. The second girl who broke up with me, hurt me just as I hurt my first girlfriend. Fortunately I had friends who supported me and helped me keep a straight path, but when, on my senior year, my first girlfriend returned to my high school, I looked at her, and I saw myself, my own pain. That is when all of the animosity I had stored up against my second girlfriend dissappeared. If I were to be angry with her, I would have had to have been equally angry with myself. I had no right to cast the blame. Then with the most recent girl I have seen... (keeping my words few on the subject out of respect) I don't know why it hurts so much. I think it's because it is simply a reminder of the wounds I received so long ago. It is a situation that has uncovered all of my insecurities from before, causing me to lash out irrationally from time to time. Talking to Brian, I slowly began to realize all of this, but this is where I am now. There IS no going back. I must learn how to develope with these things blemishing my past because they are the decisions I have made seperate from God's will. In that, I do not think it unfair at all for me to have to endure this pain, and eventually it WILL fade. I'm pretty confident of that.

Other than that, there are several other issues that I am struggling with right now, but they are more personal than the above, so I shall for now refrain from mentioning them. I can mention my workload though. I have so much work to do over the next week. It will be miraculous for me to complete all of it, but then again, it's the same story every year at this time. I shall hit tomorrow like a brick wall, waking with full momentum as opposed to rising and peaking mid-day. I am greatful for my life, as awkward as that sounds. I know it is difficult and unpleasant alot of the time, but I am still so young in the grand scheme of things. This is, after all, only my 7,675 day on this earth. What I will learn tomorrow and the next day, I shall attempt to learn in humility. Peace and Love.

Despicable Me...

Frank Sanatra, you have no idea man... I... I am a GRADE A JERK sometimes! Your songs make you look like some love guru. You sound like you know how to deal with the ladies and how to control your anger... of course looking at your personal life, I know that's not true, but how do I keep getting in to these situations? See, when I get angry, I don't want to talk... and tonight I wasn't angry at anyone but myself. Still, talking would be a bad idea. When I'm angry and I'm aprehended and cornered into talking, I tend to just loose it... but I don't want to. That's why I run... I don't want to blow up on anyone... It's just not my place to do so. It's really the only way I can control it as of now, and I'm working on it, but my heart and head are so confused right now. My earth, my reality has completely crumbled. All of these things coming at me at once. Some things I tend to make a big deal that aren't, but other things are a VERY big deal. Phillip was a VERY VERY big deal to me. He would never have gotten into this predicament. We were always the most different in the way we delt with things out of our group of close friends. He was always calm and saught God first, while me... I tended to be irrational and do it my way first, only then realizing that God knew the best way all along. Seems like I never learn. I think I know every detail of something, I say something stupid in turn, and then it turns into something I never intended it to become. Then I run away. I'm a coward. I'm lowly and not worth much investment... I've gotta change. I've gotta learn. O God, how do you see beauty in this weak figure of flesh?

Oh well... I'm not prepared to deal with it tonight. I have a most difficult and busy day ahead of me tomorrow and I just have to get some sleep. I'm sure I'll be facing many who's impression of me has decreased quite a bit since today... It is nothing more than what I have earned. Well, to all of you who have been fortunate enough to miss this storm, Peace and Love... to the rest of you... you are all in my prayers.

my heart seems to take up little space in my chest, but it weighs twenty pounds at least... my fingers are frozen right now, so typing is a bit hard. i just returned from outside where i was pouring out my soul into song. i find a secluded enough place at night to where no one can identify me and i belt it all out. usually it makes me feel good to do, but i just can't right now. there's so much on my mind. i find myself acting this role right now. i try to act normal in the presence of my friends here and not saddened by the loss of Phill. it is not my place to drag them down to a sad position, but it is hard. i have no one here to grieve with and that is hard. i want to just go home again and be with everybody there, but i can't. i have been placed here so it seems, and thus i must accomplish whatever it is that i'm here to accomplish.

will my heart ever completely mend? will this pain eventually yield a harvest? so much has happened over the course of the past month, and i just don't know where to go from here. i wasn't aware that i was capable of withstanding such torment. but me me me seems to be all i talk about. what about the torment of the people directly involved. isn't theirs much greater? yes, it is, but i feel all of it in my own heart. it has nevertheless been hard to push myself to work lately. to apply my mind to anything complex and logical seems almost impossible. all i am tempted to do is ask God questions, but asking God questions is not what He called me to do. He called me to trust Him. at times like these, such trust is quite difficult. nothing seems to make sense to me at all. this is chaos in my mind. my dreams portray the same. they are random and intense. there is this voice that keeps saying something, but i can't make out what it is saying, or even what language. it is muffled and behind a series of random sharp immages. this pain makes my relationship pain seem like a simple quick abrasion. i overheard someone trash-talking me to a group of girls tonight. she didn't notice that i was walking by, but ordinarily i would have been upset... livid... irate... but not tonight. i just leaned against a tree and smiled. it was a shot that went straight through me, leaving no trace behind. see, my body is already numb right now. nothing she could ever say, nor anyone could say, would put me to much concern. music wasn't even strong enough to break this haze, which frightens me. i'm sinking deeper, closing my eyes, and waiting for God to lift me back up.

i did have a nice conversation with a friend from home though. i find her to be a very interesting and funny girl. she's busy all the time, and quite hard to get ahold of, but i respect that. see, she's not busy because she feels like she should be. no, it's far deeper than that, i suspect. she works hard to support her family and to make her way through college. i respect that. that is a noble effort, and a rare gift. sincerity is a rare gift. but we talked tonight about life in general and the recent situation and all sorts of stuff. i really needed to get all of it off my chest, and i'm glad she was there to listen to my long winded yammering. it really helps me to talk to people from back home. they know who i am at my deepest core because they've spent time watching me grow just as much as i have watched them. the only thing is, it makes me miss being home. i just talked to a friend about how tired i am of being in nashville and being at belmont. i'm tired of having to deal daily with my failed relationship here. i'm tired of watching other people who are close to me move in and take my place. i'm tired of being complacent, of being known the way i am known. i just want to find peace, but i don't think that will happen any time soon. i'm in it for the long haul. Peace and love

Very Soon

I don't know if I have the strength to right now, but soon I will have a full journal about my life with Phillip Christopher Schrum who entered his eternal dwelling last Sunday morning. I just returned from being home after I heard the horrible news and honestly I'm still in shock. That's why I cannot write very much right now. I want what I say to do him justice, if it is even possible for a language to posess words of that depth.

I'm 21 now, but that doesn't seem to matter much anymore. I managed to go out with friends last night in attempts to retrieve my mind from such a destructive state as it has been in since Saturday. It seemed to do me some good I guess, but I was very greatful to them for making such an effort to pull something together as last minute as it was.

I have the responsibility of alcohol now, and honestly, it's not as great as everyone proclaims. I don't even like it all that much, but in accordance with tradition I toasted a drink to the friends here who supported me last night. I had a Corona with lime and a half of a Pale Ale. The reason I had half of that drink was that I have a low tolerance and I made an oath to God that I would never get drunk and be irresponsible with alcohol. Half way through that drink I started to feel the hint of a buzz coming on so I didn't finish it.

Ya know, there's so much potential in this world for evil. People blame objects like guns, bad parenting, or alcohol. I realized recently that it is none of these objects. None of them are responsible for the evil. It is the sin nature of man that is responsible; man's own heart. We are so ready to blame someone or something else, but nine times out of ten, that's not the case. You hold a glass of beer up to a crowd and one person sees it as an insignificant flavored drink that should be taken with responsibility and moderation. Another person sees that same glass as pure evil sitting in a cup that destroyed their lives through someone they loved. Another person sees that same that same glass as a means of which they might escape the pain of their reality, "the more the better" they cry. It is like a fuel to them, and like a car running on gas, when they get low reality returns, so the must fill up again, and they keep on doing so until it kills them or destroys their life. It is not the alcohol that does it though. It is the heart of man which defines what is in that glass. The alcohol, as well as the glass surrounding it, and the hand which holds it aloft, are all comprised of the same thing. atoms, energy. energy is not evil, but the intent of the spirit of man which acts upon the energy.

As for the rest of the day, I have much to do and very little sleep to back that up. I've got to get started now, but I'll try to be faithful in writing. Peace and Love.

Early Morning Ponderings

I was rudly awoken this morning by an April Fools disturbance. It seems that our neighbor Heron girls decided it would be a good idea to "feminize" our bathrooms. It would have infact been a good idea if we cleaned them ourselves, but the fact of the matter is... we don't. Wit does. He's one of the most patient and hard working men I've met, and for the literal crap he has to put up with from us, I couldn't allow him to clean up that mess. So for the past hour that's what I did. I cleaned each bathroom with five minutes to spare before he arrived. No one else even saw nor knows of the prank. My heart goes out to people in that work field. Everyone looks down on them. People generally treat them less than human, but I understand what it is that they do. My family didn't always have money while my dad was starting his business. So to get enough to live off of, my mom had to give up teaching and become a maid. Being that I was too young to go to school at the time, I went with her almost every day and helped. It was either that or lifeguarding at the pool. I was cleaning houses and office building from the age of three until I was 15 years old. By then I was doing it independantly from my parents to make a little extra spending cash. Having done that though, I understand what it feels like to have people be completely inconsiderate of you and your job. It's really one of my pet peves, when I walk into the hall or the bathroom and I see that one of, or more than one of, my boys has left a mess. Who cares? They don't have to clean it up. Their mommies and daddies cleaned up their mess until they got here. Anyways... Aaron or Laaron as I call him, and What (yeah, that's a guy's nickname) helped out with the first floor while I cleaned second and third. After that, I couldn't go back to sleep though. I have a test at nine and it was six o'clock. So what I did was I took a shower and went down to the student life center to shoot some hoops. I got to thinking about basketball and how it used to be my dream to be in the NBA someday. It wasn't until I was cut from a middle school basketball team that my dreams stopped short. That was all I lived for was to make that team, but two middle-aged men who were trying to re-live their younger days and who took child sports far too seriously and compedatively decided that I wasn't good enough to even warm the bench. They wanted winners, and I was not a winner evidently. So I never picked up a basketball with any means of pride again. I let them win. I actually did have some talent back then, but nobody ever gave me the chance to develop it. It was only through TaeKwonDo that I was given any credit in life. I think it was because I was the school's first student. I didn't have to impress anyone because the standard started with me. Those were good days. I was good at it. I don't remember a single match that I lost, though I'm sure there was one or two along the way. I attained national recognition for my skill because someone found worth in me. That's all I really ever wanted in life was for someone other than my family to find worth in me. Families are biased, but there's something about others looking at you as someone who they can trust and depend on and look up to that makes you strive so much harder for your goals. I let coach Erman and coach Koans beat me. I let them determin a portion of my life that they never should have had control over. But then again, maybe God had different plans for me. I obviously wouldn't be the same person if I were currently a well renouned basketball star. My mind would be filled with completely different thoughts. I probably wouldn't even be at this school. So I don't count it all as loss I suppose. It is just unfortunate that children have to have their dreams squealched at such a young age by pathetic, shameful men who seek liberty from their failures by placing them on the heads of innocent and ambitious kids. I think that act and that act alone has made me into the relentless person that I am today. I will NOT be defeated! I REFUSE to let someone else dictate my life by denying me my dreams! It's funny how something so small can effect someone in such a big way. They probably didn't even think about it, so I guess I don't really judge them. Ya know, it's against all human nature to say so, but sometimes there doesn't have to be a guilty party. It's funny though, now that I think about it. I was taught some really bad ethics at this Christian school. I remember when I used to be what you might call a "tattle tail". If someone was doing something really bad, I would find an authority and inform them of it. One day I evidently crossed a line with one of the teachers by informing them of an injustice I another student had performed and that teacher punished me in his place. At the time I felt like I deserved it, but now I know differently. Injustice happens all to frequently, and I am a member of society. I have the right to have my voice heard because an injustice rarely effects one person within a society. It IS my business as well as the business of those around me. "You live in the same world." my high school principle used to say when he would incorporate group punishment. What kind of mixed signals was I receiving while I was growing up? Even this past year I was told by my highest employer of a plan for an honor system which would require someone to have integrity by requiring them to tell on someone who was disobeying the laws. Who is right? I tend to believe that neither of them is. First of all, it is not the job of peers to rat on their friends. We have highered authorities such as police or other means of law enforcement that are obligated with that authority in our society. If someone gets away with something, well then they get away with it. However... there are those who wish to have their voices heard, who refuse to stand by while injustice is being performed. More power to them. They are a dying breed in our society because of teachers like mine. But my argument is this: Forcing someone to have integrity is not integrity, it's just another law. The definition of integrity is doing the right thing even when no one else is looking. In example, it is not the job of a civilian to aprehend a criminal. That is what the police have been appointed to do. If a civilian wishes to aprehend a criminal however, I believe he should retain that right and not be punished in the place of the offender. But alas, screwed up ethics, screwed up morals, screwed up world. I am not in the least bit suprised.

Anyways, I just can't help think that God allowed all of this to happen this morning so that I could wake up and think about these things. I've never really adressed them before, and they really needed to be. I have to go now though because I have a test coming up shortly, and my stomach is less than happy about it's current empty situation. Peace and Love.