When It Comes, I Will Smile

The weekend is over, and it was a rather rough weekend to be had. I mean I had some good times, but I came to realize how complicated some of my difficulties are... more complicated than I would have ever given them credit. It all seemed to spill out last night while driving back from the house with Stuffy. It came out in complete raw honesty that even threw him back a few steps. So when I got back to my room I just turned off my light and played my guitar, trying to write something depicting accurately how I felt, but then not being able to. The emotion just left all of the sudden as if it had never been there in the first place, but I didn't want it to leave. I wanted it to stay so I could figure it out. I felt rather ripped off because I felt like I was making headway but then it just vanished into nothingness. I felt like a blank tape, so I went to sleep.

This morning I woke up still feeling emotionless. I went to church and sat on the floor in the back. I like sitting on the floor. But the whole service I sat there and thought about what it was that I said the night before. I came to understand it in a weird sort of way, as if part of me knew about it, but the other part wasn't paying any attention. But I did look around the congregation for a while. I realized in that moment that there were 500 plus people providing a comfortable distance for me from the pastor. Maybe I should rephraze that. There were 500 plus excuses providing a comfortable distance for me from the pastor... but then I got to thinking. That's a sword that cuts both ways. There are also 500 plus individuals between him and one person. What would happen if just two men were put in one room with the same things to say that were on both of our minds? What would be accomplished and what would be destroyed? The thought alone makes me feel uncomfortable, but maybe it should. Too many people walk through the doors of the church looking for someone to blame for their lack of growth or for their failures, but it's all mental. None of those people fight back. It's the same reason why we feel so at ease to exhert rage against someone who serves us injustice on the road. They don't fight back... most of the time... you're safe in your car aren't you? You're safe in your mind aren't you? And the answer came to me that yes, I am saddened by the state of the church. So many people stand in those buildings who wouldn't be there if someone wasn't going to think ill of them if they weren't. But am I a problem or a solution? I do not find neutral grounds in such an affair.

I understand now one of the reason why we are to rejoice in persecution. Persecution is not a curse at all. It is a refining fire that yeilds devotion and sincerity and does away with social agendas. To put it simply, it helps you make up your mind as to who you serve.

But tonight was a wonderful cap on the weekend. It was good company, good fellowship, and a relatively decent football game. I haven't seen the group that unpressured and relaxed in a long time, and it was a nice change of pace. I also got to help fix the guys' toilet and put up some decorations in their house to bring it together. We also finally put up the "Ye Olde Pembroke" sign in front of the house. It really brings it together. Now all that's between me and a good day tomorrow is calculus homework. Hope you all are doing well. Peace and love.