Thoughts

Sometimes if you sit still long enough, things pop in to your head, new thoughts that have never come your way before. Sometimes they're good, and sometimes they're bad, and you never know when they will come and they always leave at the most inopportune times. I'd like to think that I'm pretty real with myself. I'm not happy all of the time and I'm also not sad all of the time because I'm honest with myself. I'm not perfect. That's not to say that people who are happy all of the time or sad all of the time aren't (real with themselves that is). That's just to say that I don't understand those people. But when thoughts come my way that convict me, I don't discard them. I analyze them to test their legitimacy. I want to understand the best I can who I am. Sometimes those thoughts hit me so hard that I can't be happy and when people try to cheer me up, it just makes it worse.

I can't figure out why I get hung up on the stuff that I do. I just keep going back and re-analyzing. Sometimes I feel like I could rekindle some hope. These times are so crazy. I guess tonight it hit me when the band that was plying at the show I was running sound for started talking about the subject and how it all worked out for them in the end. I just don't have that kind of hope. I do it to myself though. I dug this mindset for myself and now I don't feel like I could get out if I tried. I forgot to install an elevator... oops...

I've still got my sense of humor. That's helpful. I can just look out the window and laugh. My mind works like that. If my guard is down, it doesn't take much to throw my emotions from one side of the field to the other. Sunshine helps though. Tomorrow I won't be so fortunate to have the sun beaming down upon my head. It will be cloudy and rainy. Thanks Nashville.

I'm about ready for bed now. I had a weird dream last night. Several actually... now that I think about it. In one of them something hit me in the back of my head and knocked two teeth out of my mouth. I felt my gums where they were and found the teeth on the ground. One of them was broken into pieces, but I saved them both hoping that I could get to a dentist before they were permanently gone. I was also at this huge house with a spa and a swimming pool and a huge room with a finished stone floor and windows that stretched down to the ground. They looked like upside-down u's. Like this IUUUUUI only there were several more and they were on both sides. In the center of the far wall there was a huge stone fireplace. Then out of a door came a woman dressed in a white fur coat with stockings on and skin colored high heels. She had her brown shiny hair pulled back tightly and put in a bun. Over her eyes were large framed brown sunglasses. Her husband came with her. He had shoulder length two toned blond hair and a pinstripe suit on. They just walked into the room and posed in the middle. I remember thinking "how fake" and continued on with the dream.

Hope I have more of those... Peace and love.