Hazy Cold Nashville

Why is this place so cursed for me? My spring break was absolutely all I thought it could have been, and it was one of the first times I didn't take my problems with me. I defeated destructive thoughts and saw new possibilites. My future seemed bright and layed out before me.

The first few days, Stuffy and I spent at my home town. I did some work with my dad, and Stuffy got to know my church family and friends. It was really nice to see everybody who was home, and to meet Andy's friends from Montreat. He and Kevin both are coming to visit me on April 8th and the 15th to record on my third audio project at RCA studios. I'm looking forward to it as they will be my first visitors this year from back home. It's kinda nice to have visitors. It's like a way to know that you're still you. Someone who knows you can come into this environment and look at you and tell you "yes" or "no".

After visiting home for a few days we headed off to Myrtle Beach. It was nice to see the ocean after so long. The ocean and I are long lost friends. I live only four hours from her and I haven't seen her in two years. That's not fair. We didn't have much of a schedule, which I preffer. We did whatever it is we wanted, which pretty much consisted of relaxing most of the day and eating out at night. We did go to Rippley's Aquarium where we got to pet stingrey and sharks (a hammerhead almost took off my fingers!) Matt came down to meet up with us on the last day. We had a good time skim boarding even though it was much too cold. Stuffy bought it twice, I fell once, and Matt fell only half way. Good times.

The next day we decided to go back with Matt to his house in Sumpter. I really liked it. He told me I would. They live out on a farm with the wide outdoors. I love the outdoors and the lack of city hum and buzz. The stars were amazing and all of his friends and family were great. He had a huge tractor tire that we tackled for most of the night until it popped. I did some fire tricks for his family which turned out okay I guess. I don't really do it enough to be amazing at it, but I don't plan on doing it very often anyways. The next day we had gladiator wars with Matt's friends. They made foam weapons which kinda hurt, but they were pretty realistic. We got those and we fought to the death pretty much. It was good times. Reminds me of the stuff I did growing up. After that we went skeet shooting. I figured out my problem with guns. The ones I use are too short for me. I used Matt's 20 and I couldn't hit a thing, but then I used his dad's Banilly 20 guage and I hit almost every skeet. Good times.

Stuffy and I left soon after, and the ride back wasn't all too bad. I kinda admit that I was looking forward to getting back and getting started on what I left behind. I thought all of my problems were dead and that I had finally come out on top. That was my mistake. As soon as we got back to Nashville we were met with misfortune. They closed off I-40 and made us take a rediculously long rout around. I thought it was all good until I got to my room and found out that my radiator busted again over this break much like it did during Christmas break. The floor wasn't quite as wet, but it still stinks in here. As soon as I layed down to sleep, all of my good dreams turned back to bad. The weather also turned back to a hazy cold. I just don't see it as fair. Why? I never liked her all that much in comparison to those in the past. I understand why my last relationship was so hard to get over. It was epic. Everything about it was absolutely huge and amazing. This was fast and rediculously simple. I didn't even wholly apply myself in fear that it would turn into something like this. It's funny because I thought I had defeated all of that over break. Not once did I think about her. I even realized why this should be so simply defeated because it was simply begun and simply carried through as well as simply ended. I'm stronger than this. Maybe I'm just being impatient. Summer will bring indefinite relief to this pain. When I go home I get a grips on where I actually am. Come to think of it, I think it's just a vandetta against myself, this pain. I don't really miss her at all. I miss the brief peace of mind I had when everything seemed right. Whenever I'm around her I know it's not right and I knew that from November on, only by my stubborness did I proceed. I feel no more alive around her than appart from her. When you are around the one you love, you become alive and full of this amazing energy. It's hard to describe, but the one's who have been there know. I don't know why I'm even talking about this. I just have to get busy again that's all. I don't talk about it anymore publicly simply because I don't like hearing the billions of different advice that I get in response.

Anyways, I have to suck it up now. It's time for me to be a student/RA again and there is no room for these feelings among those two tasks. I'll feel better I'm sure once I start working out again. Peace and Love.