Punch Me in the FACE!

I have erased what I was typing three times now. I don't know what I want to say but that I want to say something. Everything has been so mixed up today and I'm so tired so I suppose my thoughts are merely reflecting that right now. My spirits still remain high. Maybe reality hasn't quite reached me yet, or maybe I'm just prepared for it. Maybe I'm not going to worry about it until it happens, or maybe I'm just a little more confident about myself as of late. I'm going to assume that it's a little bit of everything, but let's skip the technicalities and move on to the details.

Today I suppose the expected happened. I didn't really expect my friends to be able to come visit me and record, and sure enough my expectation was met today. It's just been that kind of year so the predictability wasn't too difficult. I expected the drama as of late to come to a head, and sure enough it did. It's not all bad though. First off, to the name callers I decree two things. First and foremost, grow up. This is college, and immediately following college comes real life. Second, throwing temper tantrums is something we did when we were too young to be able to articulate in an understanable manner, our true feelings. It was a vain attempt to get our way by making others around us SO annoyed that they would give in if we would stop crying. It reminds me of the first girl I dated. She had an potentially fatal eating disorder, and when we broke up she stopped eating and wouldn't until "I would go back out with her". I ended up buying her a chicken sandwich and agreed to go back out with her if she ate it, and she did, so I upkept my part of the bargain. What choice did I have? But I no longer had any respect for her after that, and I also made no permanent agreement. We broke up again shortly after. Ever since, I have been extremely callous to that manner of deligation. I have no more to say on that topic.

As for other news. My 21st birthday is coming up in a week. I'm getting a little nervous because lot's of people are coming up to me saying that they will buy me a drink. I'm very appreciative, but I can't have that many people buying me drinks. I have made a vow to myself that I would never get drunk, and I can't even hold much alcohol. If you haven't noticed... I'm not a very big man. I might have two drinks, maybe three, and then I'm callin it quits. I have a more European approach with drinking. In moderation it can be very healthy, but in America the only reason anyone drinks is to get hammered. In my opinion that is just plane stupid. It is an attempt to run away from what is real and often times painful. Plus... I've heard that Americans have horrible taste when it comes to alcohol anyways. So I guess I'll try some stuff out now and then, but I really just don't like alcohol in general. I had a beer in Germany and I've had wine before, and when it first hit my lips, it was like a big disappointment. People tell me it is an aquired taste, and I say to them... so is piss. Wine I kinda like, but not enough to get drunk off of. Wine just feels good to my throat and stomach. Ahh, so I'm a geek. I'm not a fan of alcohol... and I care because...

Well... nuff said for tonigh. I need sleep. I'll talk more tomorrow. Peace and love.

There it was...

The last four days were the last break I'm going to see until the end of the semester. From here on out... it's crunch time. I've got alot to do and very little time to do it in. So here it is. I remember last year at this time I was really freaked out. I didn't know what I was going to do with my summer, nor did I know how I was going to finish semester at that. Now it is completely different. I'm not worried about anything... ur... well maybe the fact that I'm so poor and I have such low income as of right now, but I feel confident that God will provide. I mean take today for instance. I received some pretty good news. Turns out I might have a free lance job with and audio company this summer. Being that they pay over $200 a day, I don't feel incredibly worried about making money. Just as long as I don't have to go back to the pool, I'll be feelin a-okay. I still have nightmayers about that place; mass drownings, horrible working conditions, the works. I've got alot on my mind though, but it's not really open for discussion as of yet. What I'm really focused on is just making it to the end of the year. That will come sooner than later and I have a feeling that most of my problems will fade away with it. It's that way every year. I do something a bit foolish and it sticks with me until the summer. I'm fortunate though. The real world isn't like that at all. You have to live with your mistakes and they don't go away with a long vacation. They're there. So the way I figure it, I have two more years of grace before I'd better learn something or I'm in trouble. Hmmm... not much else to say today. I'm very hungry and very thirsty right now, but I've already drank and ate so much today. Whatever. Peace and Love.

So... That was a Bad Idea???

Today was pretty much super. I mean I did very little until three o'clock which was a nice change in pace. I took Chubbs' check to the bank... watched the layed around on the couch and watched the History Channel until lunch... then I went to Wendy's for lunch, came back, and watched the History Channel some more until three. At three I really pondered whether or not I should have just got into my car and made the long journey home. There's alot of ill feeling building up around here, almost like fowel odor. I'm honestly just sick of all of it. Evidently being flirtatious with no intent was a bad idea. I will NOT be drawn into any more drama JUST after I finished with yesterwoman! And what IS this anyways? She likes you (*maybe), but she over there hates her because she likes you, and that guy over there hates you because he likes her, but she doesn't like him, she likes you (*maybe).

*maybe indicates that the interest is possibly and probably alike to how I like that person in return... just as a casual flirtatious friend who I might casually and flirtatiously date with no expectations of further development.

This all reminds me of how it was in middle school... and I HATED middle school. It was cool when we could all just be friends and flirt on the side for fun, but now it's turned into a big mess that I refuse to be pulled into. It truly is ironic. I just finished talking to my long lost buddy about how ironic this whole situation is... a day before any of it even happened. Thus I have found other uses for my time. I'm going to let them all work things out and I'm going to disappear until the drama is over. I've got pleanty to do in the mean time. For instance, today I just finished recording for nine straight hours. I worked my BUTT off on this song, and I'm not even done yet. My goal is to update my sight with some new songs during break, but that only lasts for another three more days, so I'll be pushing it. I'm really excited about this one though. Thus far I think I'm on 14 tracks and still going. Then after I finish tweaking this one tomorrow, I'm moving on to another one. I think I'm also going to redo all of my older ones since I've better learned how to use my studio and those were merely practice runs anyways. My mind is boggled and VERY musically tuned right now... almost too much. Well... short journal, long night sleep. Peace and Love.

I'd Just Like to Say...

First of all, thanks to the anonymous commentor for pointing out my poor spelling habits. Once again, because I haven't said it in almost a year... I have a medical learning disability in the fields of both math... and spelling. I would like to announce, however, that I have previously adressed that situation and have in fact seen a doctor! The math I am not proud of, but spelling isn't exactly a bother to me. Reason being because english phonix is not concrete like it is in most languages. For every rule, there is an exception, which is why English is catagorized as one of the most difficult languages in the world to learn... so whatever. I'm currently studying three other languages that seem to be a great deal less problematic in that field so maybe I'll just adopt one of those in the future to save spelling face.

Anyways, to re-adress dreams. I do agree that most dreams are a way for the mind to "defrag" if you will, but there are others that I believe are supernaturally influenced. I have experienced dreams in more than one instance that have, the next day, happened to me verbatum. God can and often does speak to us through our dreams, much as He did to Daniel. In these situations I think it is often times good to document your dreams if you can remember them, and sit down and wrestle with them. More often than not, you will find that you can trace your dreams back to certain situations that occured during the previous day or days which supports the whole "defrag" theory, but sometimes there is a little more to it than that. You could take a psychological approach to dream interpritation, but that is about as concrete as English phonix in most cases. Then again, there is the spiritual rout, which in the United States, and most other scientifically based countries, is just as unpopular and uncomfortable to discuss as God or religion in general. If you ever have the opportunity to spend time in a third world country, I strongly suggest you take the time to do so. You will whitness there, spiritual powers that no scientist with a pen will be able to explain. I've whitnessed myself an old deaf woman, who was without hearing from the time of her birth, be healed before my very eyes through prayer. The first thing she heard was me playing my guitar and she broke down crying saying "That is the most beautiful sound" over and over again. Now this is my, as well as many of my friends', experience. Do I expect all of my readers to believe it? No. Just note that that experience made me and many others around me WAY less skepticle of supernatural powers and much more skeptical of science as an explanation to everything. This was NOT Benny Hen. Evil is just as prevelant though. I've whitnessed peoples lives being destroyed by spells cast on them. I also have a close friend who whitnessed more than one man die over a spell cast on them in Africa. I also have another close friend who has whitnessed both necromancy and the channeling of energy over long distances to damage other people or objects. These are topics that scientists generally keep distance from. Insane? Well if we're basing sanity and insanity as a defined by the general populous, then yes it is... and so am I. But this is a concept even criticized by the American church. I was one of them at one time, but after traveling abroad to the darkest corners of the earth and whitnessing with my own eyes what was there, I turned to American culture and started asking questions. America teaches carnal religion. Go to any church and they will teach you methods and principles on the best way to live in society, how to conduct yourself, and so on and so forth. Go to a thrid world country and there you will encounter spiritual warriors. People who do not neccessarily spend as much time in "reality" as we do, but have evident and sometimes frightening power. Whatever though. I'm just a college student with eyes and ears. Anyways, think about it. Why would the Devil waste his time on us by offering us supernatural power? We are a very spiritually dead people as a whole, obsessed more with paying the rent and watching tv than with anything spiritual. He needs not make an effort to ensnare us. That's why all of this religious rebellion in the Middle East baffles us. "Why can't we all just get along?" Because to most of us, religion is a shoe, a prefference, a membership to the YMCA. But to the "infirior biggot cavemen" in those foreing countries, religion is very real, and very grave. But alas, that will not be evident nor believed until it is too late. I really think I'm wasting time even talking about it. Just another wasted breath I suppose. Scholars will continue to argue, the great minds will continue to debate, and then... where is it all now. "It is evil to say 'tomorrow I will do this and go to that place'. What man controls his life? It is as a fog. Here one moment and gone the next." A bit of a summarization of a verse located in... I believe... Romans or maybe Corinthians. I'm bad with maps, but I've read it a few times. We waste alot of time bragging on what we know and what we will do, but on the death bed only one thing will matter.

On to the happenings of the day. My favorite part of discussion. I got a good bit done. I was privilaged enough to kill three wasps in my room which makes a grand total of four. Generally I am kind to insects, but I just don't like the idea of a wasp landing on me while I sleep. Therefore, they shall all die. The same goes for spiders. I don't mind them, and I actually consider them very interesting, but in my living space, I have no room for them... so they all will die. I think the statistic says that the average human swallows 20 spiders a year in their sleep. Yummmy. That's coming from a guy who ate a live cicada last year for a pepsi, a bag of gold fish, two double stacks, and ten dollars (not to mention the "respect" of 20+ guys).

I had a great amount of deep discussion with my friends today as well. It spanned anywhere from what friendship means to me, to relationships and where I am going. I feel rather inspired right now. Maybe I'll write a book or something... sike. I really look forward to tomorrow and the break that I will recieve from school for this weekend. I should probably invest some more time studying my Spanish though. I think I'm having a quiz tomorrow. But anyways, it is the meaningful time with people that I enjoy. Listening to them and how they view life and such, and finding similarities or trying to understand differences. That's what counts in my opinion. True companionship. I've always enjoyed that. As a person who has a gift for diggin into other people's minds, I myself generally know what to reveal and what to hide about myself. I never reveal to much, not even in my private journal. But to people who are willing to sit down with me and talk, if I can find sincerity in their hearts, I have no problem with opening up very deeply.

Reading people like books... Do you think I graduated from high school with a 4.0 gpa by studying every night? Heck no! I had better things to do. High school was the biggest waste of my time I could possibly think of. No, I dug into the brains of my teachers. I learned how they thought. They pretty much wrote all of their tests, and I knew based upon their character what each answer would be. No studying, just observation (though college is a bit harder). If I were ever a teacher (God forbid) I would know exactly what to do, and my students would no doubt hate my guts. Fortunately God has smiled upon both them and I by not giving me the ability to teach... Yesssssss! The trick is, you read someone's face, but more importantly their eyes. Human eyes are like a window into their soul. Most people get uncomfortable when you look directly into their eyes because they're afraid of what you might see. They feel vulnerable, sometimes even becoming violent. In drama I was taught that the most difficult part of the body to control is the eye. Anyone can alter facial expressions, but the eye tells the truth. Along with this, my grandfather is one of the countries top salesmen trainers. He worked with the Fortune 500 and the top CEO's of the country mastering an art of... I don't want to say mind control, but DANG, it's intense. He has been training me this year some very deep and interesting things for FREE! He generally charges an arm and a leg, but the guys he has trained usually end up seeing 10 fold improvement in their income. I cannot discuss any of it, as he expressed to me that it is of the utmost secrets, but I ponder it daily, and I think I'm getting better at it. Well, enough of my yackin... I'm going to bed now. Peace and Love.

Almost There?

Today was pretty casual for the most part. Mondays are always tough on me if I slack off over the weekend, which I did. It was beautiful weather though, and the gym reflected that with an over crowded attendance. It's new year's resolution part II in there right now. I have to pick a better time to go if I want to get anything done. But it's all about momentum. They don't call Wednesday hump day for nothin, but of course this Wednesday will be the equivilant of a Friday for us Belmont students. I don't know what I'm going to do for Easter Break yet. I want to go camping, but it might just bee too expensive of a venture for me right now so the possibility of me staying here is... well... pretty high.

I guess the greatest thing that happened to me today was the reunification between me and a long lost friend. She's a great girl, one of the neatest ones I know. I guess she's a woman now though... it's been a while. Not that we haven't known eachother... It's kinda complicated. We have a history together full of ups and downs, but this time I honestly believe that I can be purely a friend to her with no secret motives. That has been what I've always wanted deep down, I just didn't know how to attain it at the time.

Being friends to girls in general is difficult for me. I don't know how. I want to be as friendly to them as I am with my guy friends, but as soon as I start spending equal time with them as I do with my guy friends, society labels us a "couple". I HATE that! There's no holding hands, no physical contact at all, but society has this huge sway as to who is together and who isn't. Sometimes I just wish society could grow up so that I might have some actual girlfriends. Am I supposed to not care? Honestly it doesn't bother me what other people think, but for her sake, she shouldn't have to endure that and God knows the last thing I want to do is to make a girl a martyr. I guess it's just all up to her and what she wants. I'm strong enough to do whatever, though I prefer friendship over nothing in MOST cases.

So much has happened to me since I last wrote, but I don't know if I have time to document it all. Friday the fight between Viking and I went really really well. One of the biggest events we've had all year and I planned and executed it in under 24 hours. Doing stuff like that gives me a true sense of satisfaction. Friday night not much else went on except for me working the desk. I went to see a movie with Viking and Kibbe (Constantine) but I didn't enjoy it all that much. Saturday was pretty great. I got to sleep in for the first time in a LONG LONG time. When I awoke it was just nice enough for me to go outside and play chess with stuffy whilest I smoked my pipe under the bell tower. There were TONS of tours going on though, which I'm not really fond of, but I like observing... sorta like Jane Goodall (don't correct the spelling on that one. I already know I'm probably wrong). That night though, things went nuts. I had this horrible dream that someone was in my room with me standing over my bed with an eaten off face just staring at me. I flew out of bed and grabbed the nearest object to fight with, but nothing was there and my door was still locked. Ten minutes later, the fire alarm was pulled and we all had to go outside... me in my underwear holding an umbrella being that I couldn't find my bat. Later I talked to Chubbs and Aaron and they said they had similar dreams of someone being in their room. I have them every once in a while, and they seem so real and I get so freaked out. My heart just POUNDS! Chubbs thinks we have ghosts. I don't believe in ghosts though. Once the body dies the soul doesn't stay to linger. I do believe in evil though, so I do not count it off that it could be supernatural all of us having these dreams. Dreams can often be a window into the spiritual world. Sunday was great news though! Grace and Josh are now engaged! They're finally going to get married. I'm both excited and kinda freaked out by the whole concept of my barely older sister getting married. I try not to think about marriage as much these days. It just tares me down and makes me impatient and lonely feeling. Anyways, things didn't get too much better Sunday night. I ended up going to the hospital because one of my residents went into a diabetic coma. He's alright now and was discharched three hours after being taken to the hospital. I didn't get much sleep due to these several instances, so I'm pretty tired. I think I have everything done today that I needed to get done though. Having said all of that, I shall now retire. Peace and Love.

Inspiration

I feel so inspired. It is amazing how much I have accomplished this week, even though I must admit I have finally failed in attempts to keep my room clean. Order has gone down and creativity has taken it's place. Ideas and songs are spilling out of my brain faster than I can contain them. It's wonderful! Everything is positive. I'm finally completely over the woman, and I feel as if I were invincible. I'm no fool though. I still take my precautions because I'm familiar with the feeling of invincibility preceeding a sharp downfall.

So woman have been a bit of an issue as of late, but suprisingly not in a bad way. I actually, for the first time in my life, have girls hitting on me every day! I am flattered, but my persistance is limited. It's because I feel recklessly confident. If I were to enter into another relationship I am afraid I would end up hurting whoever it would be. So my current stance is to be recklessly confident while remaining single, but still having my share of safe flirtatious fun on the side. Maybe even... casual dating (gasp!). I'm young. This won't last forever, and there's really no harm in playing if it is apparent that I am indeed playing. I'm not completely turned off to the idea of a relationship though. I'm just saying that it would be a challenge for any girl to win my heart over right now. I mean they would have to cook me something AMAZING! I'm not joking. My heart really does reside on the outskirst of my stomach lining. And no, I'm not talking cookies. I'm talking about a full blown meal. I'm serious. If any girls are really wanting the honest opinion of not just I, but several of my male collegues... a well cooked meal turns up the interest REAL fast.

Fun times! I have been having lots of fun lately just off of creativity. I love being that guy that does stuff that others wouldn't think of doing. Earlier this year I was under the influence of those who wished to steifle that spirit, but that's who I am, and that's what I love. I don't understand nor will I waste the time in attempts to understand a heart that finds such a characteristic as disagreable. So basically, if that's how you feel, I might as well inform you that it will be a little tricky for you and I to become friends. I know when to stop though. I know when certain actions are inappropriate. I just like making those around me smile. I like getting in a bunny suit and acting like a complete lunatic if it makes someone who's having a bad day crack a smile if for a brief moment. That brings me joy. Speaking of which, I'm really pumped about a program that I'm running tomorrow morning. The Viking and I (dressed as a rabbit wielding a tritant) will fight "to the death" in the quad tomorrow. I put up cool fliers today and made a soundtrack for the event. It's going to be BIG! Half the campus has expressed interest in coming. It's also going to be a beautiful day tomorrow from what I hear, so that is also on my list of anticipations. But basically, if I die in battle, I won't be writing anymore... sorry.

Welllll POOP!!! I just realized that it is the night of St. Patrick's day. That means half of campus is probably out getting soused, which means I might have a busy night ahead of me. Hmmmm... I'd probably better get a heads up on my sleep so that when security comes a rata tat tatting on my door at four in the morning, or someone pulls the fire alarm... I will be conscious enough to bash in their skulls with every ounce of my RA fury. On that note... Peace and Love.

The Kind of Day I Love

though i didn't complete quite as much as i had set out to acomplish today, it was nevertheless a fabulous day. i've really got to try to fit back into my self discipline habbits, so tomorrow i will make stronger efforts to do so, but i really had such a good time today. the biggest happening of note was the bunny suit. yes, chubbs, hugo, and i went out and bought a bunny suit which i wore around campus for about four hours freaking people out or making them laugh. that's the kind of fun i like; completely random and fantastic. turns out chicks really did the bunny suit too. i had one girl ask me for my phone number. she couldn't even see but 2% of me and she wanted my phone number. i think that's funny. i also just got back from havin a good time with the fraternity. yeah, there's not much about today that was bad. my problems now seem so menial. i love this feeling. i want to hold to it for as long as i can. anyways, this journal is short, but sometimes short means more. have a nice day. Peace and Love.

Instert Unorigional Title Here

I don't feel much like writing tonight, but for some reason I am anyways. It winds me down before I go to sleep, and being that my audience really doesn't have a face, I can say pretty much whatever I want, be as random as I want, be as incoherant as I want, and it makes no difference. I find that more often than not I am misunderstood. The things I say are taken for face value. Observation after observation turns this hypothesis true. People make up their minds about me as fast as I them. We are the same in that aspect I suppose. I remember in grade school when every guy was asked "who do you think would win in a fight, you or him?" every guy's response was "me". It was a pride issue back then, and I guess it still is. There were guys that assumed they could beat me up even though they had no fighting experience and I had both seven years of it, as well as a national title under my belt (which seems more insignificant as each day passes now), but I looked small and weak. I was no better than them though. I assumed I could beat them up too. We always are sure when someone is right or someone is wrong. When someone makes sense and someone doesn't. We, all of us, are guilty of being quick to speak and slow to listen. I can think of several times I have done so this week alone.

Did you know that when you talk to someone, and they have their arms crossed, they are not listening to you, but thinking of what they are going to say next? It is supposidtly psychological fact. Interesting. I've tested it out a few times, and it's pretty much true so far. In fact, I just realized that every time I pause to think of what to write next, I cross my arms. HAH!

I just realized something else. If you were to never have met me, and you read my journals, you would never know who I was. I was looking over them, and the way that I write and the depth I go into when I write are nothing at all like the way I act regularly. So I guess the only way this, or the way I act regularly, would make sense at all is if you were one of the very few people who knew both. Otherwise assumption reigns supreme, and you know what assumption does. It makes and ASS out of U and ME. But I realize that my entire audience has no means by which they may get to know both of me, so to you I grant full permission to assume away. Everyone else has no excuse.

I just finished writing a new song tonight. It's called "A Bed and Four Familiar Walls". I'll record it probably this weekend and maybe post it online. I should probably start doing that again. I haven't updated that sight in almost a year.

Poop, I'm tired. What am I still doing up? Oh yeah, I'm writing this meaningless drivlle of a journal trying to vomit up my most prominent thoughts before I go off to bed. So far so good. Tomorrow will be busy, as will the rest of the week. Not troubled though. I actually am having a pretty good week thus far. Of course it's only Monday, but who cares. If I thought hard enough, I could probably philosophise this week as already having begun and ended. Unfortunately, philosophy and I don't care too much for eachother. We both consider eachother to be blubbering idiots, only I'm too tired to care.

Fools and Kings
Fools and Kings

fdjak;fjda;jfkd;ajfjdk;ajfdkl;afjdlksaopueqvnc,zxljkdsfaoueopwriuqlsdkxcn,moiruqwphajlg
n,mvzihfdiyeqdhksadxcm,vkldasfuoeriqwfdsajklcxnm,zfjkaoeiuqpw23478910euwiqsfd256
hsfdajjvxzfhdksa... (deep breath) uqriweopshdcxnm324987467ouipxhz02379sodyijkvcxznm,
y89eshdasj;cvxzhfdksioydhddshakcxzmhklyidsafdsjafxc,.zxkKhassidua

there's no place like at the bottom of a well
with three balls of yarn and a stringless guitar
dead catapillars dead catapillars
soap and sugar
rotten sausage with eyebrows?

there... i feel content now that i have convinced my audience that i am either a genious or insane, and while you try to figure out which is which, i'm going to bed. Peace and Love.

Hazy Cold Nashville

Why is this place so cursed for me? My spring break was absolutely all I thought it could have been, and it was one of the first times I didn't take my problems with me. I defeated destructive thoughts and saw new possibilites. My future seemed bright and layed out before me.

The first few days, Stuffy and I spent at my home town. I did some work with my dad, and Stuffy got to know my church family and friends. It was really nice to see everybody who was home, and to meet Andy's friends from Montreat. He and Kevin both are coming to visit me on April 8th and the 15th to record on my third audio project at RCA studios. I'm looking forward to it as they will be my first visitors this year from back home. It's kinda nice to have visitors. It's like a way to know that you're still you. Someone who knows you can come into this environment and look at you and tell you "yes" or "no".

After visiting home for a few days we headed off to Myrtle Beach. It was nice to see the ocean after so long. The ocean and I are long lost friends. I live only four hours from her and I haven't seen her in two years. That's not fair. We didn't have much of a schedule, which I preffer. We did whatever it is we wanted, which pretty much consisted of relaxing most of the day and eating out at night. We did go to Rippley's Aquarium where we got to pet stingrey and sharks (a hammerhead almost took off my fingers!) Matt came down to meet up with us on the last day. We had a good time skim boarding even though it was much too cold. Stuffy bought it twice, I fell once, and Matt fell only half way. Good times.

The next day we decided to go back with Matt to his house in Sumpter. I really liked it. He told me I would. They live out on a farm with the wide outdoors. I love the outdoors and the lack of city hum and buzz. The stars were amazing and all of his friends and family were great. He had a huge tractor tire that we tackled for most of the night until it popped. I did some fire tricks for his family which turned out okay I guess. I don't really do it enough to be amazing at it, but I don't plan on doing it very often anyways. The next day we had gladiator wars with Matt's friends. They made foam weapons which kinda hurt, but they were pretty realistic. We got those and we fought to the death pretty much. It was good times. Reminds me of the stuff I did growing up. After that we went skeet shooting. I figured out my problem with guns. The ones I use are too short for me. I used Matt's 20 and I couldn't hit a thing, but then I used his dad's Banilly 20 guage and I hit almost every skeet. Good times.

Stuffy and I left soon after, and the ride back wasn't all too bad. I kinda admit that I was looking forward to getting back and getting started on what I left behind. I thought all of my problems were dead and that I had finally come out on top. That was my mistake. As soon as we got back to Nashville we were met with misfortune. They closed off I-40 and made us take a rediculously long rout around. I thought it was all good until I got to my room and found out that my radiator busted again over this break much like it did during Christmas break. The floor wasn't quite as wet, but it still stinks in here. As soon as I layed down to sleep, all of my good dreams turned back to bad. The weather also turned back to a hazy cold. I just don't see it as fair. Why? I never liked her all that much in comparison to those in the past. I understand why my last relationship was so hard to get over. It was epic. Everything about it was absolutely huge and amazing. This was fast and rediculously simple. I didn't even wholly apply myself in fear that it would turn into something like this. It's funny because I thought I had defeated all of that over break. Not once did I think about her. I even realized why this should be so simply defeated because it was simply begun and simply carried through as well as simply ended. I'm stronger than this. Maybe I'm just being impatient. Summer will bring indefinite relief to this pain. When I go home I get a grips on where I actually am. Come to think of it, I think it's just a vandetta against myself, this pain. I don't really miss her at all. I miss the brief peace of mind I had when everything seemed right. Whenever I'm around her I know it's not right and I knew that from November on, only by my stubborness did I proceed. I feel no more alive around her than appart from her. When you are around the one you love, you become alive and full of this amazing energy. It's hard to describe, but the one's who have been there know. I don't know why I'm even talking about this. I just have to get busy again that's all. I don't talk about it anymore publicly simply because I don't like hearing the billions of different advice that I get in response.

Anyways, I have to suck it up now. It's time for me to be a student/RA again and there is no room for these feelings among those two tasks. I'll feel better I'm sure once I start working out again. Peace and Love.

Inside and Out

I can't sleep right now... I know I should be, but my heart is just too stirred up right now. So much has happened in my mind today. I just can't help but be a little higher in spirit than usual on sunny warm days like today, but as the sun goes down, so does the temperature, and with the temperature my defenses. I've been particularly stirred by one issue that I encountered today. It is my moral foundation vs modern American culture. The modern American would argue that nothing is really wrong except for the attempt to set standards. People who set standards, especially moral ones, are closed minded, sheltered, ignorant, and intollerant. The issue is strong at hand in the field of art, and I was heavily involved in a discussion today in photography class about the limits of art. According to the modern artist, there is no limit to art. Everything is art. In a way I would agree. Everything can be looked at as both an art and a discipline, but one immediately assumes that because it is art, it is good. I do not believe this at all. I believe art is in the same rhelm as man because it is interpreted by man and man alone. Art is not perfect, and in this it has potential for evil. Thus, there is both good and evil art.

I might pause here for a moment to make a prediciton. The "open minded" will close theirs now while the "closed minded" will neither open nor close, but simply remain discerning. I suppose you are now my only audience.

A girl was arguing with me about the soldier decapitation videos, as art, should not be shunned from society, but embraced. I argued in return that that man has brothers, a mother, and a father. He sat there and begged for his life and they REALLY cut his head off. He had love and a future to live for and those men deprived him of that. THAT is not art! THAT is murder. Join the number of serial killers on death row who share the same sentament. Clockwork Orange is a movie that comes to mind in that aspect. What a sick mind! But American culture would say that there are no sick minds, just various diversitities. "To each his own." I always add in on that quote.
"To each his own... said Hitler to the Jews."
"To each his own... said the master to his slave."
"To each his own... said Stalin to his people."
"To each his own... said Bundy to his victims."
"To each his own... said man to God."
Obviously you look at these add-in's and struggle with the concept a little more. It doesn't sound as good when you throw Hitler's name in there does it? Hitler did something that we see as morally wrong. It is a natural law we hold in our souls. A law that we have attempted to silence and defeat for as long as we have exsisted in attempts to be our own gods. In doing this we are only living up to the lie Satan gave Adam and Eve at the tree... in the garden... at the very beginning.

"You will be as God"

It was not entirely a lie. It was the blood brother of lies: deception. Since that time we have attempted to defeat the guilty knowledge of good and evil into submission. The only way to defeat it is to declare yourself god and therefore justify all of your actions. This is so becuase internally we also know that there is nothing higher than God.

"To each his own." ("Don't judge me." (("I am God."))

What would happen to you if you were to go without shelter or cloths? Exposed to all of nature's fury, you would die. This is why you sleep with a roof over your head. This is why we have always done so. We cannot endure being exposed to everything. Now consider this. Do you think that if you expose your mind to everything that it will survive? Will you return unscathed? Surely not. The mental rhelm is far more brutal than the physical, and being that the mental has close ties to the spiritual, it is even more dangerous because the spiritual is eternal. As self proclamed gods we would see the establishment of mental and spiritual shelter as without purpose. Our minds would become as gluttons, never becoming full, and marveling at our own greatness. Why shouldn't we? On the other hand, the true Christian has resigned the persuite of godship and now relys on the one true God. Understanding their place here, the Christian sees and understands that the persuite of other things is a waste. All fulfillment comes from the true God where as the limits on being one's own god become ever visible.

Does man always stay indoors? No. He comes and goes, but with some means of protection. His cloths, his armor. Just as represented every day in the physical rhelm, such is true in the mental and spiritual. We are meant to step out of our comforts to understand our surroundings on occasion, but we are not to go naked, and even when you do go, do you not return to your comforts for the night?... Do it. climb Everest naked. I dare you. You would be the earliest recorded casualty on the mountain ever recorded. You wear armor to protect you so that you may reach the top. My physical armor is my health and clothing. My mental armor is my moral foundation. My spiritual armor is my knowledge and faith in the one living God. A man who lacks any of the three is quite visibly less. Immagine walking outside one day and everyone but a few people were naked. Not only this, but they were making fun of you for wearing cloths. It also is quite cold outside, and it begins to rain lightly. Do you feel guilty for wearing cloths still? Is their laughter now enough to strip you down? No. Because you are smart you keep your cloths on, and they suffer the consequences of being naked. They inevitable get deathly ill from being too cold and wet.

So in arguement of being called closed minded (or clothed), I would return arguement with the accusation of nearsightedness. Can you not see the clouds building? Can you not see the limits of being your own god? You feel pain, why? You get sick, why? You have all of these things, but no hope, why? You spend hours at night fearing the next day. You are your own god... why? There is a truth that I live in. It is glorious, but it is not happy. It is the truth that one of us is right and one is wrong. Right and wrong thinking... yet another thought discouraged by present culture. Yet another attempt to be "as God." If you are right in your attempts to become a self proclaimed god, to be exposed to everything, to wander around naked for the rest of your life, I have lost nothing when we meet in the grave. Both of us have lived under the banner of "to each his own" and have, in so doing, drawn out the fullness of the meaning of life. On the other hand, if I am right in yeilding my life to the one true God, embrassing His promises, depending on Him as my hope and salvation instead of myself, then I rightfully mourn for you and will do everything within my power to reach you. We missionaries do not go from one place to another speaking of Jesus because we wish to impose ourselves on other cultures. It is because we recognize this truth and all of the weight that rests upon it. It is love that compells us. It is a real battle that we fight.

And this... This is what seperates Christianity from all other religions. Yes, we all have a god that we worship, and we all have guidelines. That is what makes Christianity a religion. But Jesus was not kidding when he said "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father but through me." This is why. Christian standard of living is not a means of salvation. You do all the good you want, it will not get you into heaven because you are still trying to control your destiny. You are still racing for the same thing everyone else is racing for: godship. Be completely evil, you are in the same race. Islam's salvation: based on human achievement of holiness (self improvement... godship). Bhuddism's salvation: based on human achievement of holiness by a series of steps (self improvement... godship). Hindu's salvation: based on human achievement of holiness by a series of steps (self improvement... godship). Wikka's salvation: based on human achievement of power (self improvement... godship). Pagan's salvation: based on human achievement of pure indulgence ( self focused... godship). Agnostic's existence: based on human indulgence with no stadard of moral restraint while basking in the glow of one's own achievement (self focused, the undisciplined brother of religion... godship). All of the world is stuck in exactly what Satan promised. The persuite of godship. The ONLY way out is by the blood of Jesus Christ. There is no other. The true Christian knows this. The rest hide under Christianity, using it's guidelines for simple means of self improvement... racing for their godship.

Now I shall step down from the pulpit and drift off to sleep. My heart seems to have reached a peace now and I wish to get a little sleep before tomorrow's big day. It is Friday and the beginning of the ever so needed Spring Break. I hope that you were able to make it all the way through this journal, and I hope that you took something out of it. Peace and Love.

Time is Passing

My heart is recovered from past situations. I still think about it every day, but not in a sense of loss. I look back on it all as basic fact. It happened. Now what have I been doing? Hmm... that's not easy to say, not because I haven't been doing anything, but because I've been doing so much. Every night before I go to bed I write out a schedule of things I must do the next day. The next day I accomplish as much as I can and I check it off as I go. Most of the time I don't finish everything, but I'm working on it. This business has given me more of a sense of being. I'm still looking forward to the fruits of all of this, but I suspect that won't be a reality for a few more weeks. I have managed to keep my room completely spotless since Wednesday though. That's a big accomplishment for me.

So I guess I should discuss the more notable things that have happened to me since I wrote last. Saturday I went to worship practice at Midtown. It turned out to be a pretty great experience, and I got along well with the whole band, so much in fact, that they asked me to play the very next morning. That has been my desire ever since I came to Nashville, and now it is finally a reality. It was strange though. I do not blame them because I would have done the same thing, but they have been the first people I've played with that don't necessarily trust my abilities. That's because they don't know me though. They don't know how long I've been doing this. It's actually quite an intersting position to be in, and I'm looking at it as a great opportunity to learn.

It wasn't more suitable, though, that on the Sunday when I needed to be up extra early that I should be awakened even earlier by misfortune. Campus Security came a knockin on my door at about five o'clock Sunday morning with bad news. It seems that one of my residents decided that they were mad/drunk enough to rip up half of the floor. They threw a trash can down the stairs, one down the hall, and they ripped both water feeds out of the urinals in the bathroom, punching one of them through the wall. If that wasn't enough, they went to the soccer field and vandalized benches and such after that! Needless to say, we're on their trail and they were given ample time to confess, but have not done so. It is now in our hands as to what happens.

Right now I have just finished a fairly satisfying day. I overslept this morning because my alarm clock evidently wasn't loud enough to wake me up, but I'm not too far behind. I've been having weird dreams lately about out of this world events. They've actually been pretty elaborate and intersting, and I look forward to more. Maybe I'll write some of them down or something. Anyways, the day was full and I didn't get as much as I had listed done, but that will all be bumped to tomorrow's list. OH! I made an invention so that I can turn my light on and off from my bed. It is made from thumb tacks, fishing string, and duct tape, if that tells you anything. I've been in a creative kick lately. I've actually written three new songs this month, but I'm still working out the kinks.

Spring Break is just around the corner. Only four more days until a week of freedom that I'm desperately looking forward to. I can't believe it's been a year since my last spring break! Time does fly whether or not you're having fun. I must keep disciplined through the week though. I still have so much to do! Class wise I'm pretty much done, but outside of class I'm swamped. Hope to see you/hear from you soon. Peace and Love.