What I Can't Say

There's alot going on in my life right now, most of which I can't really say. It's not that I wouldn't tell if I were asked, it's just that sometimes telling everybody everything can be self destructive in that it gets me really pumped up and carried away. That's something I've been thinking about alot lately. Considering who I am, I'm very open to people if they show effort to get to know me. They will find that I have pretty much no personal secret. I "say pretty" much because there are some things I shouldn't tell anyone, but those could be counted on one hand. I can tell sincerity very well also. I can tell right off if someone is just trying to be conversational (which I despise) or if they are actually concerned. These two types of people give the phraze "How was your day" a whole new meaning. If I sniff a conversational attitude, I generally give the expected "good" response. If I can genuinly tell that they care and that they're not just asking because they can't think of anything else to say, then I'll tell them exactly how my day is going. Those people show effort. They genuinly care, and I will not refuse them if they desire to know me.

I'm writing extra early today though. The reason being is that I will no longer be writing when I am in a negative mood. Whenever I do it just seems to plunge me even deeper into a stage of funk, so this is a simple remedy. It is not because I want people who read this to think I'm happy all of the time, it's more of a method of training for me.

Right now, life's ups and downs have been pretty sharp and dramatic. I seem to keep on hitting pitfalls whether it be financially or in relationships. I was consumed again by a situation that has not been a part of me since the summer. Some of it was my fault, but not all of it. I initiated a conversation with someone from my past that led me to a state of turmoil. It didn't start off bad at all though, and it didn't even initially end bad. I thought for sure that the childishness of it all had surely died out and that it was safe. I was wrong. The conversation was cut short for one reason or another when I thought true resolve was finally being placed on the table. The conversationee said that they would return and talk at a later time... but I should have known better. How many times has that person told me that and I was left believing them. I waited for a few minutes... minutes turned into hours... hours have turned into days. I even was foolish enough to attempt re-initiating the converstation even though it was not my responsibility. I don't think everybody who uses AIM realizes that there is a way for other people to tell, even when you have an away message up, whether or not you are sitting in front of your computer. So that has been a complication lately, and it wouldn't be so bad if there wasn't more. I've also been waiting for someone else to contact me. If they cared they would, but evidently they do not. I've tried ignoring people like I have been ignored, and it takes either an incredible amount of strenght or an incredible amount of heartlessness to do. I can't quite place which is which, but you can sort of gather what kind of a state I am in. So what did I do in attempts to remedy it all? I went on a drive and came back to my room whereupon I shut down AIM for I don't know how long. Until my rationality returns to a more powerful position I suppose. Being consumed like that isn't healthy, so I merely cut it off at the source. I even go to the extent to say so much in this journal because I know turning off AIM cuts my audience down to a very select few who I don't mind my tactfullness in writing with.

I've got photo class to go to now though. It's turning out to be quite entertaining. I took and developed my first few pictures recently, and they are now posted on the internet... I don't have the address as of now, but I'll get it to you as soon as I can. Other than that, the weight gain for me currently is now 4lbs and increasing. My shoulders are beginning to broaden and my muscles are starting to cut in a way that they never have before. I mentally don't feel as stressed out, though I did find that gray hair again that I received from stress over the summer. The whole thing is white as white can be except for the very tip, which is brown. It's the strangest thing, but hopefully no more hairs will decide to join that party. I'm out for now. I would have written last night, but the crummy Belmont server was not functioning properly so it erased my entire blog entry that I worked so long on. Oh well, maybe this one will work. Peace and Love.