All These Dreams

The past few days have been great. I've done everything and more than I have been expected, and I've felt great doing it. The nights have been completely different. I've had all of these confusing and jumbled dreams... too many to even recall the number. All I can remember are brief flashes of each of them, though I know they lasted a bit longer than that... And they have no relation what-so-ever. Most of them have been about girls... ur one in particular. Those bother me the most. Even if they are great dreams, they leave me feeling bad. How do I get away from those thoughts? I know... I just don't want to go back there. I just got out from that place this year and nothing could take me back. I refuse to go. How else do I deal with it? It's not going to just disappear because it's more complicated than that, and unfortunately very real. I really need to stop thinking about girls in general, which has been hard lately as I have been getting all sorts of unexpected and sudden attention. Maybe I'm carrying myself taller lately... I don't know what it is, but almost every girl I pass by and make eye contact with gives me "that" smile... you know which one I'm talking about. I'm flattered, but I don't really want that right now. Most guys would think me crazy for saying so, but I'm not like most guys, and that principle in itself has been hard on me in forming relationships, but that's who I am, and if you expect change in that catagory... move on down the line cuz it aint happenin for anyone but God. There is no running though. Running is for cowards who can't bear to face what they have created. God will get me through this, I know. I just have to submit.

The other dreams have been set anywhere from here at school to home to places I've never been before. I take dreams pretty seriously, concluding that either they have some spiritual meaning or they are merely just bits and pieces of information taken in during the day. Being that these dreams hold no relation to any of my every day experiences, I can't help but be a bit rattled. What does it all mean? I just want to sleep, but every time I do I'm bothered by thoughts I don't want to have... I just can't decifer whether or not they are wrong for me to have.

I'll be fine though. I've got a few new methods of taking care of myself here. I'm usually the kind of guy who will confide in anyone with an open ear... I can't do that anymore. There are those who just can't handle it and those who's advice I don't really want, so why confide in someone if you aren't willing to hear their advice. Also, what's the point in confiding in someone who doesn't understand who you are. NO, that's wrong... that whole thought process is wrong. Who am I to hide from people? I have nothing to hide! What is the value of my salvation if I still hide from people the things that I don't want anyone to know. To pretend to be perfect is wrong... it's a little thing God calls deceit. How do you learn perfection if you only practice mimiking the final product? Perfection is a long process of humility, discipline, growing wisdom, and truth. The longer you pretend, the more foolish you will look when you finally stop and move towards the reality of it. To stop pretending to be wise and actually learn to be wise... To stop pretending to be honest and actually discipline to true honesty... To stop pretending to be strong and actually train to be strong... To stop pretending to be holy and start persuing holiness. The reason people think they can see through Christians is because we, in our salvation, try to pretend all of the sudden that we are perfect, instead of being an example of God ever working through us and molding us. It's either a pride or a rejection issue. For me it is both.

These are just a few things that keep me up at night. Other than that, I feel fabulous. I feel ready to handle anything that comes my way during the day, and for the first time this school year, I feel like myself. I'm finally out of the funk of trying to be something that I'm not and into actually making progress. I loose so much confidence when I put on the act of someone I'm not, but when I'm free from that, I can hold my head higher and not have to worry about messing up as much. So here I am... I'm going to bed now. Hope you are feeling healthy, blessed, and wise. Who cares about wealth these days. Peace and Love.