The Lense and the Focus

The story is more complex than I could have forseen. I like it that way though. Why am I so infatuated with adversity? What is it about a challenge that so stirs my blood? Is it simply my nature as a man to be this way, or is it something more? That has been quite the mystery for me, but I'm not extraordinarily bent on figuring it out. In due time it will come. For now I have the simple task of survival. I commonly reflect on my past trials and see them in a light of simplicity. Now things seem hard, but in a few years from now, I'll look back on this youth that I presently reside in and see these trials too to be simple in nature. But adversity has a tendancy to fill me with both warmth and bitterness at the same time. Maybe that's what keeps me working out so hard. Just at my breaking point, that's when I push even harder. It's as if someone is standing behind me yelling at me to get that last little bit out. That pain makes me feel like I am in a sort of progressive state. It's odd though. I hate it when other people are in pain. The other night I heard a complete stranger having a phone conversation with his fiance. From what I heard, she was cheating on him. If you have ever had your heart broken, you know what it feels like... well I heard his heart break. He made an audible sound that told me exactly where he was. It made me literally afraid. I'd never heard the actual sound before, though I have felt it. It made me hurt for him even though I didn't know him. But that is where I am. Sometimes pain is proof of loss, but many times it is proof of growth.

This morning came without a hitch. I woke up, got ready for church, and went straight over. The funny thing is... when I got there I felt strange. I felt restless, like I couldn't stay, like I was in the wrong place. I left and went driving down the road, but I then stopped myself. I realized that I wasn't going to find the presence of God where I was headed. I turned back around and went back to Judson. The service was good, but I just don't belong there. I went for all of the wrong reasons I think. I went because of friends, not because of God. God knows I hate being alone, but I suppose in order to have companions, you must first be alone. I think I shall venture to other churches to find a body that could use the abilities which I have been molded to perform. More pain, more adversity, but no loss. This is growth.

After church, I went by myself on a long long drive into the countryside with nothing but a cd and a camera. I wanted to take pictures for photo class today, and it seemed so perfect outside. Actually, first I went downtown to take pictures in the railroad yard, then I took some pictures of some old run down buildings, and THEN I went to the country and took pictures of old barns and old bridges. There was one bridge in particular that really struck a chord with me. I found it by complete chance down this small little road. It was one of those bridges with the metal framework on the sides, but it was all rusted and brown with plants growing over it. As I ventured closer I noticed that there was a swing built right in the middle of the bridge. It was a haunting immage, but one that I had to have. Behind me was a huge pasture with horses at the foot of a mountain, and it was perfectly lit, but I've never been one for taking pictures of huge landscapes. They never turn out well for me for some reason. It was peaceful though. Initially I intended on taking someone with me, but I'm glad I didn't. It was bitter cold, but I was warm inside.

When I got back, I joined the men of my hall. We went to support my boys at their basketball game against UCF. As usual, we won, and we had a good time in the process. Afterwards we all played some games and then went out to the Chineese buffet. Best food $4.98 can buy! I stuffed myself and we all had a great time just talking about life and past memories in the dorm. As soon as I got back I had to take initiative and get back to work though. That's hard to do when your stomach is full of MSG... but laundry came first, then the executive comittee meeting, and then more RA planning and laundry. Finally I capped the night of with a summary on one of the stories I had to read in my Samurai class. Interesting people the Japanese are. I know I'm a dork for enjoying history, but so be it.

I feel focues though. There are snairs every day that bring me down ever so slightly, but I get back up each time. I'm getting stronger, less seceptable to the usual. But there is no safety. Even God has opposition, though His opposition has no weight of victory. I am not God, but I am God's. That is a concept that sounds rediculously simple to grasp, but is it? How long have we been concerned about ourselves alone? How many times have we performed actions of self worship? For me, too many. Thank God we are forgiven. Peace and Love.