Happy Thought of the Day: "Hey Nate, are you getting taller?"
"Nah, that's not it, his boobs are just getting bigger."
Things That Bother Me... of the Day: People that are WAY too happy all of the time, even in
dire situations. Don't get confused with happiness and
joy. They are not the same. We should always have joy
but when you just act happy all of the time... you will be
labled "nieve", "idiot", or "superficial" faster than you can
say "poopty peupty pants-ss". There is a time and place.
So here I am, sitting up at two o'clock in the morning after a long day of crazy. It wasn't crazy busy, but just crazy in general. I guess that's a word I use broadly, so you'll just have to know me to know what I'm talking about. Last night I went to Jorge's huge house to spend the night with eight some guys. It was insane. It looked like a knight's layer in the basement and there was a sauna room and a hot tub (not functional :( ). I tried to get as much sleep as I could, but I think I might be coming down with something. Either that, or I have just been working so hard without any re-coup time that I'm finally loosing my edge on life. Both are possible, but I'm not worried. You know me and getting sick... Though it isn't rare per say, even the most monsterous of diseases pass in a day or two... unless of course I get ecoli again. Needless to say, I've been sleeping alot today. I feel drugged, possibly from congestion, but whatever. Other than sleep, I didn't really do much, though I had much planned. Rain steifled my attempts to go on a photo shoot, so I'll probably just go tomorrow after church. We went to $4.98 for dinner, and Aaron had an eat free card that he gave me, which was awsome because I have no money to spend anymore. I'm waiting for my paycheck to come and maybe a medical study or two on the side. Anyways, after eating I came back and, of course, slept again. Waking up, I cleaned my room, played some cards with some guys and chicks, and then Matt and I did some recording and beat making. I've been listening to this beat now for quite a while so I think I'll just turn it off and listen to some Frank Sanatra... There we go. That's better.
So working in my studio today gave me a few... wow, everything just turned purple... hmmm... that can't be incredibly good... oh well, whatever... back to what I was saying... Working in the studio gave few new ideas. It also got me thinking. I was so creative last year, and I've lost alot of that and I know why. The love of my life, the only woman I've ever know who hasn't betrayed me, cheated on me, or neglected me, I have neglected. My guitar and I haven't been together regularly all year. That's a true shame, and I need to fix that. I suppose it will be easy now that I'm back where I was last year. Yep, that's right, I lost that battle. I said I didn't want to go back to where I was last year for anything, but alas, here I am. I require more time to myself, I'm a little bit more carefree around the guys, and mostly... women in general just annoy me right now. There are a few exceptions to that rule, but those are only the ones that I have never felt pressured by. Anyways, I'm back on planet Earth now so I expect to be spending more time with my studio, no changes in the gym other than a five day workout plan instead of seven days, and I plan on re-organizing my scholastic tactics. In short, I'm back in mission mode. Women were a scenic detour, but now I'm back on the main road. I'm here to graduate with style and then get out of here.
I'm still totally confused as to what I'm going to do next year. I really just need to set aside some time each day to get in quiet. I haven't been doing that faithfully since school hit with full force this semester. Dieting from my computer has been of use though. I realize how much wasted time I have... time which can be utilized into accomplishing the many tasks I have on my plate. I probably won't stop procrastinating because that is one of my few means of entertainment, but I will be more efficient. If I return to Belmont next year, I have decided that I will be RA'ing here again in Pembroke. I have no choice really about the job, but if I do keep it, I want to stay in this building with the guys I work with now if at all possible. That's all I've got for now though. I'm going to get to bed and pray that I don't get too sick. Hope all is well wherever you reside. Peace and Love.
Sunday, January 30, 2005
Thursday, January 27, 2005
What I Can't Say
There's alot going on in my life right now, most of which I can't really say. It's not that I wouldn't tell if I were asked, it's just that sometimes telling everybody everything can be self destructive in that it gets me really pumped up and carried away. That's something I've been thinking about alot lately. Considering who I am, I'm very open to people if they show effort to get to know me. They will find that I have pretty much no personal secret. I "say pretty" much because there are some things I shouldn't tell anyone, but those could be counted on one hand. I can tell sincerity very well also. I can tell right off if someone is just trying to be conversational (which I despise) or if they are actually concerned. These two types of people give the phraze "How was your day" a whole new meaning. If I sniff a conversational attitude, I generally give the expected "good" response. If I can genuinly tell that they care and that they're not just asking because they can't think of anything else to say, then I'll tell them exactly how my day is going. Those people show effort. They genuinly care, and I will not refuse them if they desire to know me.
I'm writing extra early today though. The reason being is that I will no longer be writing when I am in a negative mood. Whenever I do it just seems to plunge me even deeper into a stage of funk, so this is a simple remedy. It is not because I want people who read this to think I'm happy all of the time, it's more of a method of training for me.
Right now, life's ups and downs have been pretty sharp and dramatic. I seem to keep on hitting pitfalls whether it be financially or in relationships. I was consumed again by a situation that has not been a part of me since the summer. Some of it was my fault, but not all of it. I initiated a conversation with someone from my past that led me to a state of turmoil. It didn't start off bad at all though, and it didn't even initially end bad. I thought for sure that the childishness of it all had surely died out and that it was safe. I was wrong. The conversation was cut short for one reason or another when I thought true resolve was finally being placed on the table. The conversationee said that they would return and talk at a later time... but I should have known better. How many times has that person told me that and I was left believing them. I waited for a few minutes... minutes turned into hours... hours have turned into days. I even was foolish enough to attempt re-initiating the converstation even though it was not my responsibility. I don't think everybody who uses AIM realizes that there is a way for other people to tell, even when you have an away message up, whether or not you are sitting in front of your computer. So that has been a complication lately, and it wouldn't be so bad if there wasn't more. I've also been waiting for someone else to contact me. If they cared they would, but evidently they do not. I've tried ignoring people like I have been ignored, and it takes either an incredible amount of strenght or an incredible amount of heartlessness to do. I can't quite place which is which, but you can sort of gather what kind of a state I am in. So what did I do in attempts to remedy it all? I went on a drive and came back to my room whereupon I shut down AIM for I don't know how long. Until my rationality returns to a more powerful position I suppose. Being consumed like that isn't healthy, so I merely cut it off at the source. I even go to the extent to say so much in this journal because I know turning off AIM cuts my audience down to a very select few who I don't mind my tactfullness in writing with.
I've got photo class to go to now though. It's turning out to be quite entertaining. I took and developed my first few pictures recently, and they are now posted on the internet... I don't have the address as of now, but I'll get it to you as soon as I can. Other than that, the weight gain for me currently is now 4lbs and increasing. My shoulders are beginning to broaden and my muscles are starting to cut in a way that they never have before. I mentally don't feel as stressed out, though I did find that gray hair again that I received from stress over the summer. The whole thing is white as white can be except for the very tip, which is brown. It's the strangest thing, but hopefully no more hairs will decide to join that party. I'm out for now. I would have written last night, but the crummy Belmont server was not functioning properly so it erased my entire blog entry that I worked so long on. Oh well, maybe this one will work. Peace and Love.
I'm writing extra early today though. The reason being is that I will no longer be writing when I am in a negative mood. Whenever I do it just seems to plunge me even deeper into a stage of funk, so this is a simple remedy. It is not because I want people who read this to think I'm happy all of the time, it's more of a method of training for me.
Right now, life's ups and downs have been pretty sharp and dramatic. I seem to keep on hitting pitfalls whether it be financially or in relationships. I was consumed again by a situation that has not been a part of me since the summer. Some of it was my fault, but not all of it. I initiated a conversation with someone from my past that led me to a state of turmoil. It didn't start off bad at all though, and it didn't even initially end bad. I thought for sure that the childishness of it all had surely died out and that it was safe. I was wrong. The conversation was cut short for one reason or another when I thought true resolve was finally being placed on the table. The conversationee said that they would return and talk at a later time... but I should have known better. How many times has that person told me that and I was left believing them. I waited for a few minutes... minutes turned into hours... hours have turned into days. I even was foolish enough to attempt re-initiating the converstation even though it was not my responsibility. I don't think everybody who uses AIM realizes that there is a way for other people to tell, even when you have an away message up, whether or not you are sitting in front of your computer. So that has been a complication lately, and it wouldn't be so bad if there wasn't more. I've also been waiting for someone else to contact me. If they cared they would, but evidently they do not. I've tried ignoring people like I have been ignored, and it takes either an incredible amount of strenght or an incredible amount of heartlessness to do. I can't quite place which is which, but you can sort of gather what kind of a state I am in. So what did I do in attempts to remedy it all? I went on a drive and came back to my room whereupon I shut down AIM for I don't know how long. Until my rationality returns to a more powerful position I suppose. Being consumed like that isn't healthy, so I merely cut it off at the source. I even go to the extent to say so much in this journal because I know turning off AIM cuts my audience down to a very select few who I don't mind my tactfullness in writing with.
I've got photo class to go to now though. It's turning out to be quite entertaining. I took and developed my first few pictures recently, and they are now posted on the internet... I don't have the address as of now, but I'll get it to you as soon as I can. Other than that, the weight gain for me currently is now 4lbs and increasing. My shoulders are beginning to broaden and my muscles are starting to cut in a way that they never have before. I mentally don't feel as stressed out, though I did find that gray hair again that I received from stress over the summer. The whole thing is white as white can be except for the very tip, which is brown. It's the strangest thing, but hopefully no more hairs will decide to join that party. I'm out for now. I would have written last night, but the crummy Belmont server was not functioning properly so it erased my entire blog entry that I worked so long on. Oh well, maybe this one will work. Peace and Love.
Monday, January 24, 2005
The Lense and the Focus
The story is more complex than I could have forseen. I like it that way though. Why am I so infatuated with adversity? What is it about a challenge that so stirs my blood? Is it simply my nature as a man to be this way, or is it something more? That has been quite the mystery for me, but I'm not extraordinarily bent on figuring it out. In due time it will come. For now I have the simple task of survival. I commonly reflect on my past trials and see them in a light of simplicity. Now things seem hard, but in a few years from now, I'll look back on this youth that I presently reside in and see these trials too to be simple in nature. But adversity has a tendancy to fill me with both warmth and bitterness at the same time. Maybe that's what keeps me working out so hard. Just at my breaking point, that's when I push even harder. It's as if someone is standing behind me yelling at me to get that last little bit out. That pain makes me feel like I am in a sort of progressive state. It's odd though. I hate it when other people are in pain. The other night I heard a complete stranger having a phone conversation with his fiance. From what I heard, she was cheating on him. If you have ever had your heart broken, you know what it feels like... well I heard his heart break. He made an audible sound that told me exactly where he was. It made me literally afraid. I'd never heard the actual sound before, though I have felt it. It made me hurt for him even though I didn't know him. But that is where I am. Sometimes pain is proof of loss, but many times it is proof of growth.
This morning came without a hitch. I woke up, got ready for church, and went straight over. The funny thing is... when I got there I felt strange. I felt restless, like I couldn't stay, like I was in the wrong place. I left and went driving down the road, but I then stopped myself. I realized that I wasn't going to find the presence of God where I was headed. I turned back around and went back to Judson. The service was good, but I just don't belong there. I went for all of the wrong reasons I think. I went because of friends, not because of God. God knows I hate being alone, but I suppose in order to have companions, you must first be alone. I think I shall venture to other churches to find a body that could use the abilities which I have been molded to perform. More pain, more adversity, but no loss. This is growth.
After church, I went by myself on a long long drive into the countryside with nothing but a cd and a camera. I wanted to take pictures for photo class today, and it seemed so perfect outside. Actually, first I went downtown to take pictures in the railroad yard, then I took some pictures of some old run down buildings, and THEN I went to the country and took pictures of old barns and old bridges. There was one bridge in particular that really struck a chord with me. I found it by complete chance down this small little road. It was one of those bridges with the metal framework on the sides, but it was all rusted and brown with plants growing over it. As I ventured closer I noticed that there was a swing built right in the middle of the bridge. It was a haunting immage, but one that I had to have. Behind me was a huge pasture with horses at the foot of a mountain, and it was perfectly lit, but I've never been one for taking pictures of huge landscapes. They never turn out well for me for some reason. It was peaceful though. Initially I intended on taking someone with me, but I'm glad I didn't. It was bitter cold, but I was warm inside.
When I got back, I joined the men of my hall. We went to support my boys at their basketball game against UCF. As usual, we won, and we had a good time in the process. Afterwards we all played some games and then went out to the Chineese buffet. Best food $4.98 can buy! I stuffed myself and we all had a great time just talking about life and past memories in the dorm. As soon as I got back I had to take initiative and get back to work though. That's hard to do when your stomach is full of MSG... but laundry came first, then the executive comittee meeting, and then more RA planning and laundry. Finally I capped the night of with a summary on one of the stories I had to read in my Samurai class. Interesting people the Japanese are. I know I'm a dork for enjoying history, but so be it.
I feel focues though. There are snairs every day that bring me down ever so slightly, but I get back up each time. I'm getting stronger, less seceptable to the usual. But there is no safety. Even God has opposition, though His opposition has no weight of victory. I am not God, but I am God's. That is a concept that sounds rediculously simple to grasp, but is it? How long have we been concerned about ourselves alone? How many times have we performed actions of self worship? For me, too many. Thank God we are forgiven. Peace and Love.
This morning came without a hitch. I woke up, got ready for church, and went straight over. The funny thing is... when I got there I felt strange. I felt restless, like I couldn't stay, like I was in the wrong place. I left and went driving down the road, but I then stopped myself. I realized that I wasn't going to find the presence of God where I was headed. I turned back around and went back to Judson. The service was good, but I just don't belong there. I went for all of the wrong reasons I think. I went because of friends, not because of God. God knows I hate being alone, but I suppose in order to have companions, you must first be alone. I think I shall venture to other churches to find a body that could use the abilities which I have been molded to perform. More pain, more adversity, but no loss. This is growth.
After church, I went by myself on a long long drive into the countryside with nothing but a cd and a camera. I wanted to take pictures for photo class today, and it seemed so perfect outside. Actually, first I went downtown to take pictures in the railroad yard, then I took some pictures of some old run down buildings, and THEN I went to the country and took pictures of old barns and old bridges. There was one bridge in particular that really struck a chord with me. I found it by complete chance down this small little road. It was one of those bridges with the metal framework on the sides, but it was all rusted and brown with plants growing over it. As I ventured closer I noticed that there was a swing built right in the middle of the bridge. It was a haunting immage, but one that I had to have. Behind me was a huge pasture with horses at the foot of a mountain, and it was perfectly lit, but I've never been one for taking pictures of huge landscapes. They never turn out well for me for some reason. It was peaceful though. Initially I intended on taking someone with me, but I'm glad I didn't. It was bitter cold, but I was warm inside.
When I got back, I joined the men of my hall. We went to support my boys at their basketball game against UCF. As usual, we won, and we had a good time in the process. Afterwards we all played some games and then went out to the Chineese buffet. Best food $4.98 can buy! I stuffed myself and we all had a great time just talking about life and past memories in the dorm. As soon as I got back I had to take initiative and get back to work though. That's hard to do when your stomach is full of MSG... but laundry came first, then the executive comittee meeting, and then more RA planning and laundry. Finally I capped the night of with a summary on one of the stories I had to read in my Samurai class. Interesting people the Japanese are. I know I'm a dork for enjoying history, but so be it.
I feel focues though. There are snairs every day that bring me down ever so slightly, but I get back up each time. I'm getting stronger, less seceptable to the usual. But there is no safety. Even God has opposition, though His opposition has no weight of victory. I am not God, but I am God's. That is a concept that sounds rediculously simple to grasp, but is it? How long have we been concerned about ourselves alone? How many times have we performed actions of self worship? For me, too many. Thank God we are forgiven. Peace and Love.
Friday, January 21, 2005
All These Dreams
The past few days have been great. I've done everything and more than I have been expected, and I've felt great doing it. The nights have been completely different. I've had all of these confusing and jumbled dreams... too many to even recall the number. All I can remember are brief flashes of each of them, though I know they lasted a bit longer than that... And they have no relation what-so-ever. Most of them have been about girls... ur one in particular. Those bother me the most. Even if they are great dreams, they leave me feeling bad. How do I get away from those thoughts? I know... I just don't want to go back there. I just got out from that place this year and nothing could take me back. I refuse to go. How else do I deal with it? It's not going to just disappear because it's more complicated than that, and unfortunately very real. I really need to stop thinking about girls in general, which has been hard lately as I have been getting all sorts of unexpected and sudden attention. Maybe I'm carrying myself taller lately... I don't know what it is, but almost every girl I pass by and make eye contact with gives me "that" smile... you know which one I'm talking about. I'm flattered, but I don't really want that right now. Most guys would think me crazy for saying so, but I'm not like most guys, and that principle in itself has been hard on me in forming relationships, but that's who I am, and if you expect change in that catagory... move on down the line cuz it aint happenin for anyone but God. There is no running though. Running is for cowards who can't bear to face what they have created. God will get me through this, I know. I just have to submit.
The other dreams have been set anywhere from here at school to home to places I've never been before. I take dreams pretty seriously, concluding that either they have some spiritual meaning or they are merely just bits and pieces of information taken in during the day. Being that these dreams hold no relation to any of my every day experiences, I can't help but be a bit rattled. What does it all mean? I just want to sleep, but every time I do I'm bothered by thoughts I don't want to have... I just can't decifer whether or not they are wrong for me to have.
I'll be fine though. I've got a few new methods of taking care of myself here. I'm usually the kind of guy who will confide in anyone with an open ear... I can't do that anymore. There are those who just can't handle it and those who's advice I don't really want, so why confide in someone if you aren't willing to hear their advice. Also, what's the point in confiding in someone who doesn't understand who you are. NO, that's wrong... that whole thought process is wrong. Who am I to hide from people? I have nothing to hide! What is the value of my salvation if I still hide from people the things that I don't want anyone to know. To pretend to be perfect is wrong... it's a little thing God calls deceit. How do you learn perfection if you only practice mimiking the final product? Perfection is a long process of humility, discipline, growing wisdom, and truth. The longer you pretend, the more foolish you will look when you finally stop and move towards the reality of it. To stop pretending to be wise and actually learn to be wise... To stop pretending to be honest and actually discipline to true honesty... To stop pretending to be strong and actually train to be strong... To stop pretending to be holy and start persuing holiness. The reason people think they can see through Christians is because we, in our salvation, try to pretend all of the sudden that we are perfect, instead of being an example of God ever working through us and molding us. It's either a pride or a rejection issue. For me it is both.
These are just a few things that keep me up at night. Other than that, I feel fabulous. I feel ready to handle anything that comes my way during the day, and for the first time this school year, I feel like myself. I'm finally out of the funk of trying to be something that I'm not and into actually making progress. I loose so much confidence when I put on the act of someone I'm not, but when I'm free from that, I can hold my head higher and not have to worry about messing up as much. So here I am... I'm going to bed now. Hope you are feeling healthy, blessed, and wise. Who cares about wealth these days. Peace and Love.
The other dreams have been set anywhere from here at school to home to places I've never been before. I take dreams pretty seriously, concluding that either they have some spiritual meaning or they are merely just bits and pieces of information taken in during the day. Being that these dreams hold no relation to any of my every day experiences, I can't help but be a bit rattled. What does it all mean? I just want to sleep, but every time I do I'm bothered by thoughts I don't want to have... I just can't decifer whether or not they are wrong for me to have.
I'll be fine though. I've got a few new methods of taking care of myself here. I'm usually the kind of guy who will confide in anyone with an open ear... I can't do that anymore. There are those who just can't handle it and those who's advice I don't really want, so why confide in someone if you aren't willing to hear their advice. Also, what's the point in confiding in someone who doesn't understand who you are. NO, that's wrong... that whole thought process is wrong. Who am I to hide from people? I have nothing to hide! What is the value of my salvation if I still hide from people the things that I don't want anyone to know. To pretend to be perfect is wrong... it's a little thing God calls deceit. How do you learn perfection if you only practice mimiking the final product? Perfection is a long process of humility, discipline, growing wisdom, and truth. The longer you pretend, the more foolish you will look when you finally stop and move towards the reality of it. To stop pretending to be wise and actually learn to be wise... To stop pretending to be honest and actually discipline to true honesty... To stop pretending to be strong and actually train to be strong... To stop pretending to be holy and start persuing holiness. The reason people think they can see through Christians is because we, in our salvation, try to pretend all of the sudden that we are perfect, instead of being an example of God ever working through us and molding us. It's either a pride or a rejection issue. For me it is both.
These are just a few things that keep me up at night. Other than that, I feel fabulous. I feel ready to handle anything that comes my way during the day, and for the first time this school year, I feel like myself. I'm finally out of the funk of trying to be something that I'm not and into actually making progress. I loose so much confidence when I put on the act of someone I'm not, but when I'm free from that, I can hold my head higher and not have to worry about messing up as much. So here I am... I'm going to bed now. Hope you are feeling healthy, blessed, and wise. Who cares about wealth these days. Peace and Love.
Thursday, January 20, 2005
Down and Out? Who?
I'm pretty happy right now... There isn't much that could bring me down. I've had quite a bit of resolve since yesterday, of which I felt pretty crummy, but things just make me smile... things that usually would make me quite upset. I think much of it has to do with the three hour nap that I took today which, though unaffordable, was provided me with quite a boost in energy. I'm finding that this workout pattern I'm on requires more sleep than I'm used to getting, but I make sacrifices. The sun has been shining though. I've been successful in class thus far, my attitude is much higher, and... the ladies... have been paying me more attention lately... hehe... but that's not something I'm persuing as of now. I've come to realize that I've fallen in love too many times. It's sorta like having money, love is. I have a certain set amount initially, and every time I fall in love, I spend some of it... and you never get it back is the thing. It changes you forever. But before women become an issue for me again, I'm going to sit back, enjoy what life has to offer, and figure out what God wants my girl to be like. Not worried about it in the least. Working out has been quite time consuming as of late. I haven't given up, and I have successfully made it over the week hump. I calculated that yesterday I ingested 91 grams in protein suppliments alone! That's not counting the protein I took in in the four meals I ate. The scale said I put on two pounds this week, so it looks like I finally might have figured out a way to put on and keep weight. We'll see. I'm shooting for 15 extra pounds this semester. My hair is getting long and shaggy now, but it seems like it only makes girls want to play with it, so it's fine with me I guess. I don't expect to cut it until this summer, but that's not set in stone. If it really gets on my nervs it'll go. The rest of the week should be pretty down hill from here. I only have two classes a day until sweet sweet Saturday... One morning class and one night class. Pretty sweet huh? And say, I'm listening to a lovely musician right now that you should check out. His name is Chris Thile and he is the mandolin player for Nickle Creek. He is also, from what I'm hearing, a genius. Oh well, that's what is going on in my life right now... It might not sound too interesting, and I really can't back that argument up too well, but it's what I'm livin. Now I have to go and take the last dose of my protein intake for the day... gross... but here's to you. Peace and Love.
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
MLK Day
Everything was closed today, but that's cool. I must admit that I usually don't spend too much time thinking about the reason for a holiday, but today I did. Not enough people, black, white, or anybody for that matter considers what Martin Luther stood for. Most people just look at today as a chance to sit around or catch up on chores... which it kinda is, but I think it's good to spend atleast a few minutes thinking about it. Other than that, I did perform a few tasks today. I took a movie back to the store and I payed my phone bill... the library was closed though, so I couldn't work on my book report. I keep looking to the future though. Things are happening. Real things. Uncertain things from my perspective. I am not afraid though... I have a peace. This world I have come to know is full of confusion, frustration, and broken hope... I hate it all. It is a discovery that I've needed to make for quite some time. There are still things that I hold on to tightly though... Stuff that hurts to let go of. I have always immagined it to be like a piece of my body. I've lived with it all of my life, but now I have to let go, cut it off... and that hurts. I'm ready though. I'm ready for this week and I'm ready for whatever comes my way. It is hard to go against instinct and not worry about tomorrow, but that is the task that I must face. I must also become more patient. I am a very eager and charismatic person if caught in the right atmosphere... but I need to take peace at heart and patience. This will be a short journal, but I hope your week reveals something to you that stretches you beyond your current state. Peace and Love.
Sunday, January 16, 2005
Distant Day Sunday
I had a few dreams last night... I'm not really going to go in to detail about them. One of them was more of a vision, because I recall not being asleep yet when I had it. This was good, an idea of how God can use me. The other one may have been good, but I saw it as bad. I had it this morning. I just remember a brief glimpse of the dream and then waking up yelling "Stop it! Stop it". I wasn't yelling at a person in the dream, I was yelling at the source of the dream. It was a cheap shot... Andy knows what I'm talking about. It was another one of those dreams that is supposed to be happy, and it is until I realize that I'm actually dreaming. It is then that all of the simulated good feelings that my mind is generating suddenly vanish to the reality of the situation. So waking up this morning wasn't too pleasant. After I screamed myself out of sleep, no more than ten seconds transpired before my alarm clock went off, so there was really no hope of returning to a peaceful slumber.
Church was good for a very special reason. My friend and fraternal brother Clayton was baptized this morning. It is amazing to see how quickly God can bring someone to him, and it reminded me of my future obligations. The sermon I did not agree with all the way around though he delivered it quite well and I'm sure many were blessed by it. It has also come to my understanding that God has not given me the authority to challenge such a position in the church, but I do believe I have the right to disagree. I will simply say this. God is a God of love, yes, but you must also never forget that He is also a God of vengance, a God of War, and a God of justice. It is not ours to think that we can perfectly define what is good and evil. When Adam and Eve entered that rhelm, it was a rhelm of confusion, not of clarity. We look around and quickly label things as good and evil, yes, but our definitions through sin have become distorted, thus we are not to judge lest we be judged. God is the ultimate judge of good and evil, and to try to assume such a position of authority for ourselves is not only dangerous, but impossible. We are to but trust God. I also do not believe that death is evil, atleast death of the body. Death of the soul is a result of our sin so it is evil, but death of the body is as certain as birth unless God says otherwise. Finally, God and God alone holds the right to take life. Yes, there are many vehicles of which life might be taken, even apparently evil vehicles, but God can and does use all things for His glory. Satan cannot take my life, it is Gods. That is why I do not fear death. I will not die until God sees fit that I should. Yet again, it is a privilage that God has not killed me already. Why am I alive? It is because God has a plan for me. Considering this, I do not quite buy into the idea of "natural evil": death by shark, sunami, lightening, etc. These are just modes of transportation to end the life of our body which no set ammount of time has been assured. Those who fear death quite possibly do not have the assurance of what lies behind that step in life. This concept is often confused with evil, but it is not. Evil is rebellion from God. The death of our bodies, for Christians, brings us closer to God, but it is God who controls death, and to take that authority away from Him, I strongly believe is wrong. It is not us who gives God control over anything. He has control whether we think he does or not. God also does not ask us to understand how He moves. He askes us to trust Him. That is our faith. It is only by the definition of good and evil that we have come to live by through our sin that our eyes see God as un-trustworthy. Do not waste time searching for purpose in the way God moves, instead just trust. That is why He is God and you are not. You need not worry about such things. They are His. We have our role in life which is to submit to God's authority, and to reach the lost with His Word. Taking anymore concern is much like those people who know nothing of carpentry that stand behind my dad while he works and questions his every movement. Understand that this is my dad's living. He does it every day and is quite knowledgable of his craft. Those people are simply announcing their lack of faith or trust in him when they consistently question. If they would simply let him do his job, things would get done alot faster. He is the carpenter, they are the patrons. If they knew how to do it, then they would be the ones working, not my dad. Now take that and expand it to divinity. God is God, and we are his servants. Does a servant question his master? Going any deeper in this matter is a waste of our time, but feel free to disagree, just make sure to back it up.
As the day continued, we were blessed with snow flurries even up until now I believe. Nothing stuck, but it was just nice to see. I haven't seen any white percipitation in two years. It would be really nice to have a few snow days this year.
Working out came later though. Mitch and I first went to GNC to buy suppliments. I have finally reached the peak physical condition I had in high school only after one week of heavy training and now I am going to build upon that with protein. The protein stuff I bought is incredibly nasty though. It tastes like I'm drinking sandy milk, but I must get through the mental frustration of it. I have noticed already incredible increase in definition and tone, as well as more energy and stamina. Cool stuff! I only got to work out half of today though, and tomorrow they are closed :( so I must find something else to work on until Tuesday.
My distance today though has come from my visions and revelations. I am still unsure as of what I am to do, but I must continue to be watchful, not giving up in my meditations on the things of God. Hah, it's funny. I never thought I would have become a "radical Christian", but it looks like that's where I'm going after all. Peace and Love...
Church was good for a very special reason. My friend and fraternal brother Clayton was baptized this morning. It is amazing to see how quickly God can bring someone to him, and it reminded me of my future obligations. The sermon I did not agree with all the way around though he delivered it quite well and I'm sure many were blessed by it. It has also come to my understanding that God has not given me the authority to challenge such a position in the church, but I do believe I have the right to disagree. I will simply say this. God is a God of love, yes, but you must also never forget that He is also a God of vengance, a God of War, and a God of justice. It is not ours to think that we can perfectly define what is good and evil. When Adam and Eve entered that rhelm, it was a rhelm of confusion, not of clarity. We look around and quickly label things as good and evil, yes, but our definitions through sin have become distorted, thus we are not to judge lest we be judged. God is the ultimate judge of good and evil, and to try to assume such a position of authority for ourselves is not only dangerous, but impossible. We are to but trust God. I also do not believe that death is evil, atleast death of the body. Death of the soul is a result of our sin so it is evil, but death of the body is as certain as birth unless God says otherwise. Finally, God and God alone holds the right to take life. Yes, there are many vehicles of which life might be taken, even apparently evil vehicles, but God can and does use all things for His glory. Satan cannot take my life, it is Gods. That is why I do not fear death. I will not die until God sees fit that I should. Yet again, it is a privilage that God has not killed me already. Why am I alive? It is because God has a plan for me. Considering this, I do not quite buy into the idea of "natural evil": death by shark, sunami, lightening, etc. These are just modes of transportation to end the life of our body which no set ammount of time has been assured. Those who fear death quite possibly do not have the assurance of what lies behind that step in life. This concept is often confused with evil, but it is not. Evil is rebellion from God. The death of our bodies, for Christians, brings us closer to God, but it is God who controls death, and to take that authority away from Him, I strongly believe is wrong. It is not us who gives God control over anything. He has control whether we think he does or not. God also does not ask us to understand how He moves. He askes us to trust Him. That is our faith. It is only by the definition of good and evil that we have come to live by through our sin that our eyes see God as un-trustworthy. Do not waste time searching for purpose in the way God moves, instead just trust. That is why He is God and you are not. You need not worry about such things. They are His. We have our role in life which is to submit to God's authority, and to reach the lost with His Word. Taking anymore concern is much like those people who know nothing of carpentry that stand behind my dad while he works and questions his every movement. Understand that this is my dad's living. He does it every day and is quite knowledgable of his craft. Those people are simply announcing their lack of faith or trust in him when they consistently question. If they would simply let him do his job, things would get done alot faster. He is the carpenter, they are the patrons. If they knew how to do it, then they would be the ones working, not my dad. Now take that and expand it to divinity. God is God, and we are his servants. Does a servant question his master? Going any deeper in this matter is a waste of our time, but feel free to disagree, just make sure to back it up.
As the day continued, we were blessed with snow flurries even up until now I believe. Nothing stuck, but it was just nice to see. I haven't seen any white percipitation in two years. It would be really nice to have a few snow days this year.
Working out came later though. Mitch and I first went to GNC to buy suppliments. I have finally reached the peak physical condition I had in high school only after one week of heavy training and now I am going to build upon that with protein. The protein stuff I bought is incredibly nasty though. It tastes like I'm drinking sandy milk, but I must get through the mental frustration of it. I have noticed already incredible increase in definition and tone, as well as more energy and stamina. Cool stuff! I only got to work out half of today though, and tomorrow they are closed :( so I must find something else to work on until Tuesday.
My distance today though has come from my visions and revelations. I am still unsure as of what I am to do, but I must continue to be watchful, not giving up in my meditations on the things of God. Hah, it's funny. I never thought I would have become a "radical Christian", but it looks like that's where I'm going after all. Peace and Love...
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
Working it Out
I have been doing just what the title of this journal says. I've been working it out. There has been quite a bit of difficulty in getting back to school that I have yet to completely master, but I'm working on it and with high spirits.
I have found great peace in not worrying over anything. Worrying, as I have learned, is the key symptom of someone with a lack of faith in God. Think about it. If I were to live by the statement I claim, which is that the one almighty God who loves me enough to allow his most beloved die for me holds the best purpose for my life and has control over all things, then that doesn't leave much room for worry. It's all taken care of. The worry comes from when I try to take control back from God. So this is a concept that I have been practicing as of late. I need to be determined, I need to understand the consequences of my actions, I need to learn from my mistakes, but I do not need to worry. It's amazing how easy life can get when you don't worry about anything. Think about how much stress and fatigue comes from worrying.
Speaking of stress and fatigue, I am less stressed because I am fatigued. I've been working out alot lately with a good group of guys. Every day for atleast an hour we've been hitting the gym in attempts to get "swole". I don't remember how long I was in the gym Sunday. Yesterday I was in for 2 and a quarter hour, and today I was in for an hour and three quarters. It goes without saying that I'm quite soar, but I'm also happy. It keeps me thinking positively rather than my usual state of meloncholly introspective self-destruction.
Never-the-less, I am still confused about where God will be taking me. I can't really even talk about it for several reasons. I don't want to trouble anyone with it and I also don't want it to be a rumor that spreads around giving people possibly false expectations. This confusion doesn't have me worried though. The time will come when I will know and that time just hasn't come yet.
The same things goes for my relationships. I'm not worried anymore. I've looked at myself in the mirror and have come to realize two things. I can try with all my worth to make things work, but it ends out much like a swim in quick sand. The harder I attempt, the faster I sink. I am thankful to God that he has continuously foiled my plans of love that I have worked so hard to establish though. Why? Because I would much rather marry the one He picks for me than the one I pick for me. I could potentially marry the wrong woman if God wasn't so watchful over my decisions. I do not know who my wife is, if I know her already, or if I don't, but I feel that I will know soon, which is exciting. I am, however, full of resolve even in the light of this understanding. I'm not going to make any extra effort anymore. It will come like the sunrises and sets, without my help. I'm not saying that I'm going to become uninterested in girls anymore... perish the thought! I despise that hiding away tactic that people perform because they are afraid to have to deal with love period. If love comes my way, I will be discerning, but I won't shun off women and hide like I did last year. I'm also not going to talk about it anymore, or atleast try. That is something difficult for me to do knowing my past history, but only those closest to me will be told completely, and only if they ask.
Classes start tomorrow so I have to start mapping my way to each class and figuring out what books I actually need, and what books I can live without. I also need to formulate a time with the fellas as to when I can get a weight training partner on a day to day basis. It was encouraging to hear people complimenting us on our shape only after three days of suicide workout, but I expect to far surpass what I reached in high school. I need to get some protein though, that is... when I get the money to afford such things. I'm going to be using every last penny to pay off my phone bill this month and to buy books, so i can't foresee getting protein anytime soon. That's fine though. It is good to train to a certain level of fitness before you start taking suppliments. Speaking of sppliments... which sounds an awful lot like supplies... I need to go to the grocery store and buy a few necessities. I've also been on a new diet, actually making myself eat and drink healthily in hopes to put on some weight. In the creative department... well, I just finished rearranging my room a little bit. I ended up finding a mouse skellaton under my fridge, but thankfully there was no odor. I also installed a new graphics card into my computer that was given to me by Trevor Manning. Thanks Trevor, it runs great. Anyways, for those of you who have endured my journal this far, thank you for your time. It is you who care about me in that you actually want to know what I'm up to. Peace and love to you.
I have found great peace in not worrying over anything. Worrying, as I have learned, is the key symptom of someone with a lack of faith in God. Think about it. If I were to live by the statement I claim, which is that the one almighty God who loves me enough to allow his most beloved die for me holds the best purpose for my life and has control over all things, then that doesn't leave much room for worry. It's all taken care of. The worry comes from when I try to take control back from God. So this is a concept that I have been practicing as of late. I need to be determined, I need to understand the consequences of my actions, I need to learn from my mistakes, but I do not need to worry. It's amazing how easy life can get when you don't worry about anything. Think about how much stress and fatigue comes from worrying.
Speaking of stress and fatigue, I am less stressed because I am fatigued. I've been working out alot lately with a good group of guys. Every day for atleast an hour we've been hitting the gym in attempts to get "swole". I don't remember how long I was in the gym Sunday. Yesterday I was in for 2 and a quarter hour, and today I was in for an hour and three quarters. It goes without saying that I'm quite soar, but I'm also happy. It keeps me thinking positively rather than my usual state of meloncholly introspective self-destruction.
Never-the-less, I am still confused about where God will be taking me. I can't really even talk about it for several reasons. I don't want to trouble anyone with it and I also don't want it to be a rumor that spreads around giving people possibly false expectations. This confusion doesn't have me worried though. The time will come when I will know and that time just hasn't come yet.
The same things goes for my relationships. I'm not worried anymore. I've looked at myself in the mirror and have come to realize two things. I can try with all my worth to make things work, but it ends out much like a swim in quick sand. The harder I attempt, the faster I sink. I am thankful to God that he has continuously foiled my plans of love that I have worked so hard to establish though. Why? Because I would much rather marry the one He picks for me than the one I pick for me. I could potentially marry the wrong woman if God wasn't so watchful over my decisions. I do not know who my wife is, if I know her already, or if I don't, but I feel that I will know soon, which is exciting. I am, however, full of resolve even in the light of this understanding. I'm not going to make any extra effort anymore. It will come like the sunrises and sets, without my help. I'm not saying that I'm going to become uninterested in girls anymore... perish the thought! I despise that hiding away tactic that people perform because they are afraid to have to deal with love period. If love comes my way, I will be discerning, but I won't shun off women and hide like I did last year. I'm also not going to talk about it anymore, or atleast try. That is something difficult for me to do knowing my past history, but only those closest to me will be told completely, and only if they ask.
Classes start tomorrow so I have to start mapping my way to each class and figuring out what books I actually need, and what books I can live without. I also need to formulate a time with the fellas as to when I can get a weight training partner on a day to day basis. It was encouraging to hear people complimenting us on our shape only after three days of suicide workout, but I expect to far surpass what I reached in high school. I need to get some protein though, that is... when I get the money to afford such things. I'm going to be using every last penny to pay off my phone bill this month and to buy books, so i can't foresee getting protein anytime soon. That's fine though. It is good to train to a certain level of fitness before you start taking suppliments. Speaking of sppliments... which sounds an awful lot like supplies... I need to go to the grocery store and buy a few necessities. I've also been on a new diet, actually making myself eat and drink healthily in hopes to put on some weight. In the creative department... well, I just finished rearranging my room a little bit. I ended up finding a mouse skellaton under my fridge, but thankfully there was no odor. I also installed a new graphics card into my computer that was given to me by Trevor Manning. Thanks Trevor, it runs great. Anyways, for those of you who have endured my journal this far, thank you for your time. It is you who care about me in that you actually want to know what I'm up to. Peace and love to you.
Sunday, January 09, 2005
Break is Over... Back in Nashville
class hasn't started yet, but i'm here along with all the other RAs as the students slowly will return today and tomorrow. i woke up this morning not feeling extraordinarily great, but now i do, and i have a secret as to why. i worked out today, and i didn't just do a light workout, i mean i killed myself. i won't be able to move tomorrow i worked out so hard. i think doing that increased the dopamine levels in my brain for the day which has boosted my confidence and my charisma. i also find myself not thinking as much about negative things right now so i'm probably going to once again make working out a regular routine like back in high school. i think disciplining myself to do all this stuff this semester will be the hardest task i have before me. that and making enough money to live. i really blew it big time when i didn't make the money i raised over the summer last. i expect no pitty for my current circumstance. i brought this on my self. the semester i predict shall be a little easier all around though. i just have a good peace about certain things. i am still vastly confused on other details of my life that will be mentioned in much much later journals, but as for now i'm still looking to God for some sort of direction and clarity. i was reading in Hebrews 11 today because that's where i cronologically am in the book. it said in verse 8 that by faith Abraham went to the land God had promised him even though he did not know exactly where he was going. i have a feeling that alot of my decision will be based on a leap of faith, but i really just want to make sure i'm supposed to act on this idea at all. it will all come though. i know God will pull through on that because He always has. so what am i doing right now? i'm on duty. yep, the first RA on duty for the semester. i'm not bothered at all though. this new tv we got in the lobby provides more than enough entertainment. it's a 48" HDTV of pure testosterone and we have made quite the couple for the past few days. anyways, the internet in my room is down so it's not as if i can do any of this up there for entertainment. come to think of it, my life is really actually quite mundane as of last semester. i spent way too much time in my room just reading people's away messages instead of getting out and actually doing stuff. well, hopefully this new found energy and output of mine will last through the semester. i'm the average new year resolution making american in that i always go back on it because it looses its savor after a while. incredible savor will be lost tomorrow when i awake and find myself paralized from the neck down due to my workout routine today, but pushing through that is important. it is much like sin in a way. when at first you try to resist sin, it hurts and it doesn't seem worth it, but after a while, if you perservere, you get through the pain and you emerge a better man/woman. an easily understood illustration for those who have attempted to spend any time at the gym as well as attempting to overcome sin in life. having said all that i hope life is going well for you all. i realize i have just broken a long streak of negative journals, and hopefully will continue doing so. have a blessed day. peace and love.
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