Thanksgiving Break

It was wonderful, the break that is. I was sick for its entirity, but I didn't care. I got to see just about everybody I know and am related to this break. Fall Break didn't fill that void. Most everyone was still at school while Belmont was having its Fall Break. My days consisted of sleepin in until noon, waking, and going out to visit the town. The nights were long, just the way I like them. Most of them I spent at Karl's house with the boys and the fire pit, but I did go bowling with the entire old church group which was quite fun. I even bowled well, which is a rarity for me. It was just one of those trips though. I was actually quite confused for the majority of it. There were the few occasions where I was able to take my mind off of life, but not many. I found out that while I was away, my boss, not my manager (the boss is higher up the ladder) for my summer job died of a heart attack a few weeks ago. The city flew its flags at half mast for a week when it happened. That made me feel kinda weird. I also found out that one of my friends is engaged to be married this summer. Yet another blow. Church this morning was also awkward in that there were so many new faces who thought I was a stranger, and so many old faces missing. Home is just different, or maybe it's just me. either way, the trip back to Belmont today wasn't so bad. I had cd's to listen to and cookies that Brittany made. It seemed to hit me slowly though as I crept back closer and closer to Nashville. All of the things I had left behind to go on break. I suddenly started to remember them. The stresses of my job, the stresses of school, and the stresses of other situations. I decided then and there that I would not feed off of that. I would instead keep the feelings I had aquired over break and just hang on for as long as I can. There's only two more weeks until Christmas Break, but those two weeks will be long and difficult. I will say this though, but vaguely because those of you whom I discussed this with will be able to understand it, and those are the only ones who need to know for now. But before I left, nay, after Fall Break, I knew something was going to happen over this break that I wouldn't neccissarily like, but that I knew had to happen. Note that I had no control over this, and it didn't even happen near by, but from what I can gather, my assumptions were correct. I must say that I am hurt, but it is a healthy hurt if that makes any sense. But I have joy though, and the definition of joy, as I learned this morning, is to know that all is right because God is God and I am not. This much I understand, and it is my strength to finish off the rest of exams. In the grand scheme of things I'm not at all worried about my exams. I know I will do my best. I'm just working on having that point of view in all aspects of life. But anyways, as I walked in to my room tonight to unpack, I found a mess. It seemed quite ironic to me in that I came back to a mess. I feel the same in every other way. But my heater sprung a leak over break, I'd guess for about three days. My floor is soaked and there is a stench that cannot be defined coming from my carpet. I am still strong though. I'm still wearing a smile on my face because I know a secret, and secrets should be kept. Peace and Love...

Long Time Come to an End

It's been a long semester, and I've tried to write as often as I can, but it's almost over. I'm glad though. I mean, I've wasted alot of time this semester, and I've made my share of mistakes, and the new semester is a time to start over. I guess it's not quite done yet, but I leave for Thanksgiving break tomorrow at 2, and when I come back all we have are exams and then I'm outta here for a month. Thanksgiving will be good though. There are things which will come to pass over break that won't be exactly wonderful, but they must happen and in the long run I will be happy. I mean, it's not going to happen to me at MY home, but it's inevitable all the same. I also will get to see everybody I missed over fall break which will be refreshing. Now I have finished most of my work and am about to turn in. Wow! I just got a bloody nose. Yeah, I've also been fighting off sickness this week which hasn't been fun, but that's part of life. It's nothing serious. Just a bit of cold like symptoms better known as college cough. But anyways, tomorrow I have a paper to turn in, a quiz to take, and then I'm outta here. I still need to register for classes though. Yeah, I couldn't register until today because of a hold on my account, but I didn't have enough time today. It doesn't really matter now though. All of the classes that are going to be filled up were filled up last week. I'm suprisingly not too stressed about anything right now. I feel the same now as I did those last few days of my senior year in high school... nothing at all. I am in the kind of mood where I will accept anything that happens to me and move on as if it never occured. I suppose it's a good and bad feeling all wrapped up in one. It's good in that I feel no pain, but bad in that I feel no happiness either. I'm in a coma, just waiting for the sun to peak back through the clouds. I'm just waiting for something new and exciting to happen. I'm waiting for news, for new experiences, for new love. This not going anywhere that I've been doing for the past semester in all aspects of life is just driving me insane! I have learned the meaning of patience though. Either good things come to those who wait, or they have wasted there time. God will show me in due time though. Where I am supposed to be and what I am supposed to be doing will be revealed in due time, that I am confident in, and I'm not afraid anymore. Again, I'm ready to accept anything that might come my way. I mean I'm a little bit thick headed, so it might take a bit of head knocking to get me to understand what it is that I must do, but God knows that. He made me this hard headed. Anyways, I have to get back to work. I'm not quite done everything yet, but I hope to be shortly. I'll see all of my family and friends tomorrow, so until then, peace and love.

My Day

i danced at Arby's tonight for dinner, and in return i got free food. the end. peace and love.

Thank You Lord for Camping Trips

I love the outdoors. I find God, peace, and myself there so well. It's because when I'm outside and away from this thing called civilization, there are no distractions. It's you and the most natural form of creation, along with anyone else that might be there. In this case it was my fraternity brothers. We had a great bonding experience. Our camping trips are always so meaningful even in the most difficult circumstances. The talk this time was a bit more serious in nature, which I appreciate, but during the day I learned alot more about myself.

I saw this huge oak tree in the middle of a field and some missletoe at the top. I thought to myself how neat of a gift or keepsake that would be, as most people have only seen plastic missletoe, including myself. I was a bit nervous at first, but i swallowed it and climbed the tree. After all, it was the highest tree I've ever climbed before. Around half way up I looked down and realized the dangers of my situation. Any mistake at that point would have been fatal, and it was really windy at the top of that hill at the top of that tree. I almost turned back, but then, I have a real problem with giving up. So I climbed the rest of the tree and grabbed a hunk of missletoe by the hand and cut it with my pocket knife. On the way back down, on the very last branch about 7 feet high, i got a cramp in my leg and fell. It was an amazing adventure for me atlest, maybe not to you. But the lesson learned here was based on fear. I've always known that fear is a debilitating emotion, but I never had such a clear cut example of it. I could have turned back in all rationality, and I probably would have forgotten about the missletoe by now but I wanted to proove something, either to myself or to someone else. Fear was the only thing that put me in danger in that situation. I had the full physical capability to climb that tree up and down a few times without faltering, but the fear made me hesitant and THAT was where the danger originated. When you are climbing and you plant your foot down on a ledge, you must be confident in that ledge and your footing or you will slip and fall. Half way up the tree I decided to be confident instead of fearful. The next thing I learned is why women kiss guys under a missletoe. It's because if the guy picked it... then it took lots of strength and guts, so he probably deserves it. I made that note somewhere between falling out of the last limb, and landing on my back.

The trip also yielded an opportunity for me to use my creativity. A car ened up getting stuck in the mud and we had to solve the puzzle of getting it out. I LOVE doing stuff like that. It's weird, the things I consider fun, but I like challenges like that, and helping people. We ended up using two car jacks to get the front tires out of the mud so we could put boards under them. It worked and we all had a great time.

Football wasn't that fun for me to begin with. I get really compedative when I play sports, so generally I don't like to, especially when I'm getting beat like nothing else. But I ended up just letting go. Sure I was tired, sure we had no hope of winning, but that wasn't the point. The point was the company.

At night, Matt, Scott, and I slept outside the tents under the star lit sky by the fire. It was incredible! I haven't seen that many stars since I slept out under em in Guatemala four years ago on the top of that mountain with the windmill. We learned how to tell time by the placement of Orion in the sky. He's the easiest one for me to find, followed by Taurus and the Big Dipper. Earth is also going through the Leonite Meteor ring right now, so we were able to see lots of shooting stars. I counted 19 myself.

It was cold though. It was real cold at night when the fire died down, but suprisingly I slept fairly well considering. I was the desire to compete with nature that kept me going. I told you I am compedatively based. Competition is fun for me. Challenge is fun for me, and whether I emerge victorious or I fail, I always learn something new. Just to let you in on how cold it was, there was a pond near by that froze over. Also this morning when I woke up, my pillow was covered in frost except for where my head was.

So all in all, though this weekend was very tiring, it was also quite enjoyable and meaningful. In this estrogen pool (I'm not saying that in a sexist sense) known as Belmont University, a man's true calling and wild nature is often discouraged, and over time, extinguished. Going out to the wilderness and surviving by chopping wood and kindling a fire re-ignites the fire in our hearts as well. Where did the men of the Bible go to gain clarity and regroup their souls? To the gym? No, they went to the wilderness. That makes sense to me now. I just want more of a challenge. I want to do something like hunt for the food that I eat in the woods. That would be tough. And I would want to go somewhere with large wild animals. How safe would you feel squatting in the woods there eh? I was thinkin... I wonder if I got in a fight with a bobcat and I had a pocket knife... who would win? Bobcats are fast and ferrocious, but I wrestled once in high school so that would be a tough call. Anyways, I'm getting rediculous and that can only mean one thing. I haven't had enough sleep. Hope you all are doing well. peace and love.

Second Wind

Last night in great haste, I briefly mentioned coming about my second wind. I was thinking about that in the shower this morning. The shower is the only place I can go where I know nobody will bother me, so generally I do most of my thinking there. I also find the rythm of the water and the warmth to be quite peaceful. But anyways I was thinking about this new determination that I have come by. I am blessed to have it, and I've already been noticing changes in my outlook on current situations. I realize that I am more often than not complaining about something rather than being greatful. It is a shame to be so consumed by life that all you notice are the negatives instead of the positives, but more often than not that is what we fall in to. It is so easy to do. You merely allow the current circumstances to luer you in and drown you out. Certainly there have been alot of things this semester to bring me down, but I bet I could have found lively meaning each and every day to combat the negative if I had only considered the mindset to do so. This morning I caught myself arising to a negative mood as usual. I felt bad about the exam I had to take and I was exhausted to boot. A few hours later at breakfast after the exam, I burned my thumb really bad. What happened was I put strawberry sauce in with my wafful batter to make a wafful and when it finished cooking I noticed that the strawberry goo stuck to the wafful iron. To remedy this, I grabbed a fork and scraped it off, picking the goo off of the fork and eating it. I eventually came across some goo that was not quite cool at all. It was molton hot and it stuck to my thumb and continued to burn until I could lick it all off. That was no fun. I'm pretty sure it hit a nerve because my thumb went numb for the most part, but that too was something to look at negatively. After the burn I had a two hour lab to go to that drained the life out of me. I was so exhausted I nerely passed out in class, but I was able to refrain. Getting back to my room I crashed into my covers and pillow and was asleep in a mere matter of seconds. It was fabulous! I had the most wonderful dream! I can't remember a dream that has made me feel better than this one did. When I awoke, I felt calm and at peace, but also positive about life. I felt that determination feeling again. I felt like I could beat whatever it was that I had to face today and tomorrow and for the rest of the semester. And if I fail, my life will not be over. It will only haunt me if I let it, but I will know one thing. I gave it my best. But I've always risen above adversity. I feel most like the biblical character of David. I am the youngest of my family, and I have overcome some of the most impossible odds. It makes me feel important to think about that. Not in a sense of I'm better than you, but in a sense that God must really have a plan for me. I've almost died numerous times, I was thought to have a fatal disease at birth. I was also thought to have another fatal disease at a later date. I don't remember the name of it, but I had all of the symptoms for it and if I did indeed have it, I would be dead right now. It kills you in your early 20's. I also had to overcome asthma, almost dying of that when I was thirteen. I spent a week in the hospital. My learning disabilities have been another obstical that I've had to overcome. This explains why I'm a 20 almost 21 year old sophomore in college. Tight situation after tight situation I have beed delivered through, so I feel important to God which gives me determination to thrive. It's alot like the Big Fish mentalitly. If you've ever seen the movie, there is a part where the kids go to see the witch's eye to find out how they will die. The main character says that knowing how he would die could possibly be depressing, but if he were to look at it the right way, it might proove to be a good thing. In knowing the way of his death, he would know that he could survive everything else, living life to it's fullest. I feel that way with God. God has his plans for me, including my time and place of death. I am His. I belong to Him, so my future therefore is in His hands. And who else would I rather have possession of my future than an all-knowing God who loves me? This gives me determination. I can fail sure enough, but I cannot be destroyed unless it is God's plan for me, and in that case, I'm fine with it. So I am now working on my focus. I wish to look at the picture and see the color and creativity of it rather than pointing out the obvious cover ups and mistakes. I also hope that tonight my dreams will be as pleasant as they were today. Tomorrow and the rest of the weekend I will not be here, nor will my cell phone be on. I am going on a retreat with the fraternity and I'm going to cut loose for a change. Not being on campus for a weekend means no responsibility to worry about and no impressions to be made. I'll even get to do some fire juggling which will be fun. So until Monday (or maybe Sunday night) Peace and Love.

Quick Update then Sleepy Sleepy

hey, can't talk long because i really need to get to sleep asap. reason being because i'm going to try a new study tactic. i'm going to get a good night sleep and wake up early before my bio class to study for the exam. that way, when the exam comes around, not only will i be awake, but the info will be fresh on my mind. i'm really hopin for a good grade on this one too. this is important. other than that i wanted to let you all know how my date with Ivy Lee went. it was spectacular. it was cool because we already knew eachother so there weren't long periods of awkward silences. we could talk about stuff from back home and know exactly what eachother meant which is a new feeling for me here. nobody else knows jack about high point. i cooked her a steak dinner with stuffed baked potatoe and fresh green beans, and then we watched a movie. after that we went on a walk for about half an hour and then went to the front of hail hall. there all of my fraternity brothers were waiting and we serenaded her where upon i gave her her roses. it was a great time indeed. afterwards charles reminded me that we have a bio exam tomorrow morning, so ever since then, i've been studying up for it. i'm also fighting off illness at the same time, so this is prooving to be a real challenge, but i've got a new refreshing perspective on things right now that i think just might push me through the semester. i can't exactly put it into words (cuz if i could you know i would) but i have a new determination. i also feel a new confidence and new ambition. i'll atleast make it to thanksgiving, but right now the bed calls. top priority is making it through the busy schedule that is tomorrow and through friday as well. tomorrow i have an exam, math class, and a music theory proficiency. i also have to finish a spanish project before friday. to everybody that helped make this date possible, thank you very much. a special shout out to chubbs for the appartment and cooking utensils, to aaron for helping me be clever, and to the brothers of Phi Mu Alpha Sinfonia who worked musical magic at the night's end. to everyone else, hope to see you tomorrow bright and early as i will awaken at 5AM! peace and love.

Tomorrow Looks Like This...

okay, so my mind is so chalk full of crap right now, i've found it hard to sleep lately. i'm wrestless and my dreams are, for the most part, bad. i've just got so much to do, and i don't know how long my body can handle it. reguardless, i won't get to rest until, not this weekend, but the weekend after... maybe. so right now i'm just worried about getting all of my stuff in on deadline, makin the grades, and floorin it to thanksgiving break when i can finally get away from this place. it will be a lovely taste of what christmas break will look like, and i REALLY need christmas break. my brain literally hurts right now. i'm serious! it's aching as we speak. i've got test after test after obligation after obligation on my plate right now, and i know for some people, that's the only way they can function, but me... after a long rain, even the mighty oak can fall in a simple breeze.

tomorrow i will begin by waking early to study for both music theory and spanish. following that study session, i will go directly to an RA end service that lasts for about an hour. after that i have my two classes, music theory and spanish. once that's all said and done with, i shall begin preperation for my date tomorrow night at six. that's going to take a while. after the date i have to go directly to a fraternal gathering and immediately after that i have to bust my tail to get a spanish project done. this is discouragement to the extreme! i have NO free time tomorrow what so ever. nor do i have much on thursday. friday through sunday is even full. it's not that i don't enjoy doing alot of these activities, but i have to have alone time atleast one day of the week in order to fully function, and it doesn't look like that's going to happen at all these next two weeks. fun, in a way, is also based upon how much energy you have. i never thought i'd be talking about energy. when i was younger, i always prided myself in never being tired. i couldn't even take naps even through high school. but college does something horrible to men. it sucks their life out of their nose holes and leaves only mere shells in its wake.

responsibility. that is what i have. i can't give up because i have responsibility. i talk about breaking all the time, but i never do. that mentallity has always been with me. i could probably exert myself to death just because i don't want to give up. i guess i do remember the days when i was younger that i didn't want to stick with anything, but now, even though i don't want to stick with some things, i do. in weight training i would get hurt all the time because i wouldn't let myself not finish the job i started. i almost passed out a few times because i was too stubborn to back down a few steps. i guess no matter how i look at it, i'm a compedatively based person. even if it is competing with myself, i am always in competition to some extent. i suppose it's got it's negatives, but it has positives as well. right now i'm exhausted though. i was too wrestless to take any naps today, but tired enough to sleep the day entirely through. let's just hope for a lighter load next week if at all possible. peace and love...

Ambiguity is for Shameful Cowards... I'm Spillin It!

times are hard for this hopless romantic. not only am i busy over my head with stuff to do this week, but i've got many unanswerable questions on the brain, including that of female persuasion. GRRRR! times were so easy last year when i was thickheaded and undaunted by the batting of a soft captivating eye, but times change because they must, and i therefore must find a way to adapt. i have this whole dual personality though. i hate the fact that i'm a hopeless romantic, probably because it's never worked out in the places it should and has always worked out in the places it shouldn't. so often times i am in combat with myself. my poetic, more intelligent, and more determined side has been setting up traps for my more logical, unemotional, brut strength side. the result is lack of energy for the most part. i need a vacation from planet earth for a while. i'll fly to the moon, sit on the other side of it, and stare off into God's great space and NOT think about women. the side of my stubborness can often go days in avoidance of difficulty, but all it takes is a simple smile and the tables are turned. it has ALWAYS been that way for me. when most guys were on the playground in kindergarten running from girl cooties, i was taking full advantage of the lack of competition. but i've come to find that those fairy tales of knights and princesses are a load of crap. i can recite poetry on the spot straight out of my head, but it doesn't WORK! Romeo in real life would be my very best, very single friend. we would get together over a hot cup of tea and discuss our great ideas like sunsets and candle lit dinners and we would do so until we hit our middle ages. at that point we would realize the hopelessness of the situation and go out to buy that sports car convertible that we've always wanted in a last, and very tasteless attempt to pick up "chicks". and the thing i don't get is, i thought girls liked romance. i thought that that's why they watched all of those mushy movies about the guy who loves the girl but then he gets hit by a train and looses memory of her EXCEPT for that place that they had their first kiss. crap like that. i thought it was in. i suppose i haven't gone through great lengths to get hit by a train, but mostly... i'm just discouraged.

sidenote: i don't put names in my journal, it's not neccissary. but i feel like i can talk about this just once because quite honestly i think i only have three journal readers anyways, and none of them are from belmont. and besides, i write to aleviate stress. anyways, be mature with what i have to say (as if i even need to bring up such things).

i suppose my discouragement is my lack of understanding. what's the deal? i'm not hideous to look at, though this whole no shave november isn't helping that factor any. i'm nice, i'm smart, i'm going to be successful, i'm fun if you give me the right chance to be, and i can be a man about stuff too. so what's wrong? why can't i be one of those guys who has that someone to talk to that he can tell stuff he doesn't even tell is best guy friends? why do i have to be so stinkin lonely (note: my mood here is not one of despair, but of deep question)? sure, just tell me that my time hasn't come yet... that helps... psych. tell me to give it a rest... boy i didn't think of that one! i can't give it a rest. if it's one thing i hate, it's looking back on life and asking "what if". i am not a quitter. i am on a quest to find someone, like a treasure, who will love me equally to the potential that i can love them... and i know that potential is very high. that i am sure of. but it's a long road requiring ample supplies of patience (which i have little of but i try my best) understanding ( a little bit more in storage here than patience) and guts (purely God-given, any other time i'm a complete coward). i suppose loneliness is what taps away so at my patience. hah, maybe it's what i thought it was last year. maybe i have some unsightly nose hair curse where a giant nose hair comes out of my nose only when girls are around. i'm going to have to go on 24 hour video surveilance to get to the bottom of that. then there's the question of sex appeal. i'm not in with that. i'm sure i could get tons of the wrong girls if i wanted to, but the trick is getting the right girls, and the right girls for me aren't down with sex appeal. no no, they are much more tricky. they require a different bait. someone smart, cunning, brave, funny, nice, and above all else, good. but the catcher is that these "right girls", the cream of the crop, are
F I C K L E!!! it's funny because that word wasn't in my vocabulary until a "right girl" put it there when she fired me. but being "unemployed" as it were, has made me two things: a.) want to blame it on the president, because he is obviously at fault whenever there is unemployment, and b.) lonely. fortunately prayer is my defense. i can make it as long as i have to as long as i keep faithful in prayer and the word. i find that God, through prayer, will straighten out my most irrational thought processes, but the key is again, patience, because often it comes in His time, not mine. so until things are certain (which they won't be until my vows are stated on the alter) i'm going to be who i'm best at, and that's me, and anybody that doesn't like it can pucker up, especially YOU Burt Renolds! wow! i feel better already. who would have thought that sharing my feelings with the potential world's population (but we all know it's only us four) could be so rejuvinating. God keep and bless you all. peace and love.

Short but Efficient

today was as titled. i woke up around noon and immediately started in to cleaning my room, and i'm not talking about one of those sissy clean-ups. i'm talking about white glove inspection clean up. i washed all of my lenins, all of my cloths, wiped down all of the furniture, did all of the dishes, dusted, and even vacumed for the first time this semester. it has taken me all of four hours to complete this task and i am now set to do whatever it is i wish before the eight o'clock hour when i must go work the desk. i don't really know what it is i want to do right now, but i'm sure to think of something. this weekend must supply me with enough strenght and sanity to carry on through next week. i must be able to function clearly as i already know i have alot to do this coming week. ALOT to do! but nothing is going to bring me down right now. i'm in it for the long haul. this journal is going to be about as short as my day, but hope all is well with you. peace and love.

"Is it done yet?" "NO!"

today was the long day for me, and long it was, but not necissarily bad. i actually had quite a bit of fun here and there amongst my busy schedule. this morning in my biology class we had a change of pace. the lab was located at a park just outside of the bustling city. there we met and counted... not birds... not trees... not crickets... but grass... we counted... grass. yes, it was as unappealing as one would think, but honestly i enjoyed it much more than sitting in that smelly laboratory doing experiments with onions.

getting back on campus i found it quite difficult to park. see, the problem lies with the great quantity of commutors. there are a plethera, and due to the construction, there are alot less spaces. i've always thought it would be fiar to have a commuter parking lot... like the one out on 12th ave. way on the outskirts of campus. the reason being is not because i have a grudge against the commuters, but because it is common sense. i do not go to their respective houses or other places of dwelling and park in their driveway, and pembroke is my home. why therefore should they park in my driveway? after all, aren't we paying more money to the school for living here on campus? shouldn't that entitle us to some extra parking rights? i also have pondered whether or not the increasing freshman classes should be permitted to have cars their first year. this is a major city and therefore it is not 100% neccissary to have a vehicle unless you have classes off campus. in that case, you are not a freshman. the reason i say that is because my freshman year i made out quite fine without a car. i made friends with cars and they took care of me. now i, in turn, take care of others who have no mode of transportation. that's the way it works. but that's that. not that i'm angry or anything, but it was something to ponder.

once back in my room though, i hit the pillows for a few hours. while sleeping i had the most vivid dream. there was a huge tornado that hit campus, touching down on the soccer field. i was in wilson for some reason, but i was caught in a crisis because there was a pregnant woman having a baby in the room i was confined to. i went outside primarily because i heard through the thick wall a loud train sound. when i went to the doors, they blew open and i whitnessed the sky furling into a huge black funnel that curved and arched and then touched down on the field accross the quad. it was enormous and i hurried back in to tell the others. we all watched from the window in horror as the tornado simply leveld write-maddox and then hail and pembroke. we all knew people who were in there (and no, you didn't die this time ((if you even read my journal)) you were with me, and i need not mention your name as that would go against my journal code) but those people, friends, died. it was crazy. then the tornado changed tradjectory and started heading our way. we were in a very sturdy building, but if maddox was flattened, what chance had we? all i remember seeing before i woke up were trees being ripped out of the ground a football field distance away from me. honestly i've always enjoyed tornado dreams. they excite me. but this one seemed to have some sort of meaning i think. i whitnessed both new life given and life taken in one moment. also i grew closer to, and lost loved ones. what is more, i had no control over the situation. it was totally out of my hands. i shall ponder that dream a bit more before i let it pass into distant memmory.

after my nap i took a shower and headed off to math. there i received my test results which were less than par. i'm so discouraged in that class right now. i worked so hard to do well on that test, getting tutoring form several different people and reviewing in math lab after math lab, but to no avail. i can't give up though. i don't fold under pressure.

after math i was free until five o'clock music theory lab. this time i used efficiently, studying with my good brother Charles for my theory test tomorrow. he has helped me greatly and i'm greatly appreciative. class followed shortly there after and i, of course, went. that pretty much sums up my day of classes.

so what did i do after that? well, i had some good times. i came back and joined in the pembroke/heron twister tournament. it was exciting and action packed! i hadn't played twister in quite some time, but i did well. my rare agressive nature played quite handy in my tactic to achive victory. Jorge was my toughest competition (he also being successful in taekwondo and fighting tactics that require great balance and flexability). we had two tie matches, but it was by total chance that he landed first on the final bout. the trophy sits in my room. it is actually a soccer trophy with the engraving (computer generated) changed to "grand champion pembroke-heron hall twister tournament". i admit... that was more fun than i've had in quite some time. this was not the only tournament i whitnessed tonight though. i went to see Viking play in the ping pong tournament. he's amazing at ping pong. a true champion if i ever saw one. but out of the darkness arose a new threat... tenniss players. they came out of nowhere and stole the competition with their well refined tenniss eyes and elbows.

the remainder of the night i spent at a resturaunt diong fraternity business. i'm quite thrilled though as i was able to partake in crab leggs for the first time in five years. i missed them ever so much! but here i am now after a long day. and it is going to be a long night... and a long day tomorrow as well. i have to write a paper tonight, and study for two tests before i go to bed. then i will be taking the two tests consecutively tomorrow and turning in my paper directly after that. so in short, this weekend is going to be a well deserved break from the hustle and bustle of life. i suspect i shall continue my quest for greater quantities of sleep and i'm also going to try to get a motion passed to CLEAN MY ROOM! it is hideous in here right now! i've got stuff all over the floor and dishes that need to be washed as well as a TON of laundry!

i guess i'm just writing this journal though, so i can get motivated to write creatively. this always helps me get into a writting mood. but alas i must leave you now, but i shant leave you empty handed, but rather with this though. be mindful of the words you speak. take great value in them and cherish them for they reflect what is in your heart. if you utter one word and justify it by saying "it's just a word", think about that the next time someone close to you says "i love you." i doubt you will consider those to be "just words". until we chat again, peace and love

Wow! Two Journals? Where DO you get your free time?

man sakes alive! i was just reading some of my journals from last year and i must confess... i seemed alot happier back then! i shall try my best to project a more positive light of my life than i have been lately. i'll start now. today was fantastic! why, might you ask? because i had so little to do, that's why. bush, as many of you have now heard, is headed for four more years as our president and the rest of the government just picked up a wild majority of republican representation. this makes me stupendously happy, but my professors seemed quite perterbed. my music theory professor thinks that we republicans are going to cut down all of the trees before this four years comes to an end, and she was really angry through most of the class. but that's okay. i wouldn't be happy if bush lost. what else happened today? i dont' know... it was just... good. i have very little on my mind that could carry the potential of squelching my spirit. there is of course that one thing... but i'm not even going to mention it in this journal because i desire for this to be a positive experience. OH YEAH! i was privilaged enough to whitness a hawk hunting a squirrel in the quad today! that hawk was absolutely magnifiscent, and the squirrel was freaked out! another thing i did was watch farenheit 9/11 by michael moore. i must say i've never walked out of a movie before, but i did this one. it was so full of anti-bush propaganda that it made me almost throw up on my soft and comforting couch pillows. i ended up going on a walk with Jorge around the soccer field just a few minutes ago. it was raining slightly, but i had on my trench coat and a hat, so it really was quite enjoyable. the best thing about my day though, is that there's nothing left for me to do. i can actually relax and hang out with the guys for once. i was reflecting on my past journals and my present though, and i think they are not as joyous because i no longer am experiencing new things. everything that has happened to me this year is something i have experienced before in one way or another. i also can't cut loose quite as much as i used to simply because i am bound to my authoritative role. it's a social contract, if you will. i gain powers such as a prox card with unlimited access around campus and keys that do something similar, as well as a free room. but in return, i relinquish the privilages to be wild and crazy whenever i want, to wrestle in the hall way, run around wearing nothing but a furry hat and a belt, and to scheme out attacks on the tour groups that come through campus every weekend. all of these things i did last year, and were quite exciting, but this year those things are to be put asside. i have a job to fulfill and i must take it seriously. also, i think all of my friends from last year are more serious as well. there's just so much to do this year that we're not used to and it's passifying most of us into... well... normal men. so all things considered, life really isn't that bad right now. i'm really looking forward to thanksgiving break though. i've probably said that before, but it's true. i'll get to see all the friends that i didn't get to see over fall break, and i'll get to eat... ALOT! so here's to the good times, the weekends, and to thanksgiving as well as the other holiday vacations! let us hold our heads high and keep tuned to the greater things in life, not allowing ourselves to be torn down by adversity, but rather, taking it head on by the horns and shifting it's momentum into an enjoyable experience. let people who see us question our sanity and stand in amaizement as we do... whatever it is that we do... and let us look back on the things of the past only to learn, not to lament. peace and love.

Lifted

well, i did okay on my math test today, so that is off my mind for the time being. also, i'm pretty sure, though i don't want to jinx it like cnn did in 2000, that bush won the election, so once again, even more off my chest. i will go ahead and say that though today was stressful, it was good. i am learning to alter to my new environment quite well i think. i know this semester isn't about to get easier, but i feel more confident and less distracted. my heart still continues to feel some sense of pain though, the reasons shall be held confidential, but such is life. there will always be things that i want, but that i just can't have. but i can deal with the loneliness for the time being. i just have to alter my means of expression which, though it isn't the easiest thing in the world to do, i can push myself through it. the funny thing about this very instance for me is... i'm not questioning the future like i usually would be. i am fully confident that God has the best in mind for me even though i can't see it right now. though i may not be as enticed by what life has to offer as i usually would be, i find joy in that i know things are in more control than i could ever hope for. the joy i have i am holding on to tightly. though i may appear lately to be dead, walking around campus, i have not given up all joy. things are just extrodinarily real to me right now and most serious. it is by no means wrong to experience times like these. they aren't bad for me but rather healthy. things have been coming into perspective lately like they never have before and i realize that i'm going to have to make huge decisions that will make for magnanimous changes on my current path. for the past few days i have been longing for someone to talk to, but i wouldn't know what to say even if i got that chance. i think right now the best thing i can get is more sleep and more quiet time. i am slowly gaining more of a sense of peace though, and that's all i really want. peace and love.

Persecuted not Abandoned

so election day is tomorrow and our new president will be selected. it's funny how i don't even really care anymore. i'm so sick of politics. after studying it and having a pretty good understanding of what goes on, it curdles my stomach to even listen now. instead i'm more concerned about passing that math test tomorrow or that paper i have due in three days. that is what is at the forefront of my mind. not that i haven't done my part or anything. i cast my vote. but i just want this to be over. i'm prepared to accept whoever wins and whatever ensues as a result of that. i did have some good news today though. i got in to the audio I class that i've been needing. i'm really excited about that because that's just one more thing that makes me want to stay here and not leave for the time being. i was seriously considering transfer next semester if i didn't get that class. i could go anywhere else and easily find my way into the classes i need for alot less money, but the size of the student body here in ratio to the class availability is just rediculous. also i noted today that the caf upped it's grade from a 63 to an 87. still not great, but better than what it used to be. as for my math test tomorrow, i feel doomed. i went to two math labs today and didn't understand a thing that was said to me... and this was one on one instruction. it will be a sad day the day i fail my first course, but as long as i have blood coursing through my veins, i shall continue to give it my best.

adversity has been something close to me lately. i've seen so much of it in such a short amount of time that i just can't help but give a better part of my time thinking about the principles of it. i recall my problems as a child being so simple, but seeming so complex at the time. i look at myself now and i feel as if i'm going to pass out from all of the stresses that i must face and then i recall the younger days. that's what gives me strenght. i'll look back on this when i get older and marval at how simple all of this was. but problems won't be solved with time. old problems will fade and new more difficult problems will take their place. that is the trend of life. it never gets easier. i have accepted that and am learning to cope with it right now. you look at people who are older than you and you think to your self how it looks so much easier. after all, they don't have to deal with this or that, but you do. it doesn't seem fair sometimes. but that's because our vision is so narrow. but why should we let adversity get the best of us? who said we had to be in pain our entire lives? learning to deal with it is important. you have to realize first off that you're not the only one. everybody has to face their own trials, and what might look easy to you in someone elses experience, might be the hardest thing they've ever gone through. but sometimes i think we get attatched to the wrong methods of overcoming. humor, for example, seems to me to be an opiut drug. it solves nothing, but it sure makes you numb. ecclesiastes talks about a wise man living in a state of sorrow while the foolish man lives in the house of laughter. that kind of makes sense to me now. people laugh about way too much. things no longer are taken seriously, and the next thing you know, people are staggaring around drunk and unaware. even God becomes someone to laugh at. things begin to look surreal. but everyone is more like an angry drunk in that when you try to take away their fun, they are bitter against you and lash out. i think that's why people hate true Christians so much. it's easy to be at peace when all is dark, but problems are pointed out when there are sources of light. people don't like to see problems. they would rather sleep comfortably in the ignorance of situational ethics.

but basically i've been going through alot of adversity lately and i've come to one conclusion. it will never be too hard. i'll know it was too hard when i'm dead, and even then i won't care. but for now i will learn to the best of my ability. i will do what i am called to do and i will do it with joy, not necissarily happiness, but joy. that's all i've got to say tonight. now i must study more for my test, but i hope all is well where you are. peace and love.