Sunday Prep Time

Just got done cleaning my room. I was trying really hard to get rid of stuff that I've been holding onto for years for the simple reason that they remind me of something specific. I'm trying to let go of those idols. I can write and I can develop a memory, but being a pack rat isn't very wise, at least, I don't personally find it to be a good idea. It's mostly just a waste of space. I have a much smaller room in this new place than I did before. breaking things down into necessity really helps me to relax.

I think I'm getting a paycheck tomorrow... which is a surprise! It will be the first of hopefully many professional paychecks to come. My financial plan is to develop a strong foundation and start investing after that. I figure that I've been living a sub-bohemian lifestyle for the past three-and-a-half years. I should be able to hold on a little longer. Honestly it is tempting though. I will soon have the capacity to buy all of these nice things, but I don't really need them. I need to remember to use my money wisely.

I do have a few priority purchases though. First off, I need to repay all my friends for the favors they have done for me. Secondly, I need to buy a few priority tools for work, and finally, I need some new cloths. I only own one pair of pants that don't have holes in them. I figure I should start looking more like a big-boy now that I'm about to graduate.

Speaking of graduation, I'm not really looking forward to it. I mean it doesn't really mean anything to me now. I would have been really engaged had it been in May with all of my friends around me, but now it's just... well... it's not the same. My parents and uncle will be coming up to see me though, so that will be nice. The last time anyone from my family was here was last year. It's not really their fault. I was the one who chose to go to college so far away.

Well, Heidi is here from High Point for the next few days for a business seminar, so we'll probably be hanging out. I should be getting some rest today, but I might go swimming instead... who knows. Either way I look at it, things are good and I fell good too, other than the random nausea I've been having for the past few days. Whatever. I'll deal with it. Peace and love.


Oh... almost forgot. I ran front of house for the first time at Midtown today without any supervision. It went really well, though I thought it sounded a bit muddy. I'll better develop my ears to that room though as time goes on. I need to get used to a sensitive graphic EQ.

Overtime

I've been worked pretty hard this week, but I still like it. I will be looking forward to my first real paycheck this coming week, but I'm still a little unsettled. I don't know how long the company plans on keeping me as a contracted employee. I would much rather be hired up full time (duh), and I've heard whispers from some of the supervisors that I'm seriously being considered. The problem lies not in the fact that I'm impatient, I mean, that has something to do with it, but the problem is that I'm completely out in the open. I have no financial protection and I have no certainties on living situations. If I get the job, great, but if not I'll still be leaving Nashville and I'm going to end up screwing over my roommates because of it. I don't want that to happen, but at this point, I have no choice. I can't stay in this half way point for to much longer...

But life has been steady other than that. I'm really working hard at meeting new people, getting more involved in church small groups. I've started by varying up my afternoons. I don't just come home and watch TV anymore. I go out. The other night, Viking and I went bike riding at the golf course. It was beautiful. There were lightning bugs everywhere and in the moonlight, the sprinklers looked like wings extending over the perfectly manicured grass. The air was cool and it was new. I understood at that moment that as long as I can recognize the beauty around me, I won't be bored for a moment. Last night, Burly, Cowboy, and I went out and hung out at a lounge. We talked about life and spent time together that wasn't in front of the TV. That was nice too. I even ran into a friend who I haven't seen in several years there.

As for today, well, I ended up going to work. They didn't call me in, I requested it. Again, I really like my job, and I'm trying hard to learn more about it. But after that I went over to help AP move into his new house. Let me tell you, that house is ridiculously nice. It's construction is probably 1950's but it has been well kept. With high ceilings and hard wood floors, I could say that I'm a bit envious.

So after all of that hard work, I'm seriously considering taking a nap. I think tonight I'm going to start going through some of my stuff to get rid of worthless crap that I'll probably never use. I really need to get my list of possessions down, like a diet, if you will. Anyways, I'll try to keep everyone updated on the happenings. Peace and love.

Weight of the World

I've never written so many journals in such a short period of time, but I feel like I really need to write. I just got off of work early today because I will be spending the rest of it in class. This only happens on Tuesday, so it's not so bad. But I was wiring an electronics gear rack today. It's a big box where different electronic equipment sits. I don't know how else to describe it. In the tech field, everyone just calls it a rack. I enjoyed working on it. I like that the company requires it to look good back there, not to have just a bunch of wires hanging out everywhere. Anyways, the tedious labor that I had to put into placing each wire in just the right spot gave me something to learn and something to focus on. I still couldn't help but think of all of the change taking place around me. I want to be more involved in the deeper parts of my friends' lives. But the thing is, I have to be allowed. I can't just demand it.

Anyways I was also thinking about how I let the weight of the world come down on my shoulders. Again, it's another of my characteristics that tends to be a result of my control oriented nature. I will never win an argument with anyone because I hold myself responsible for everything and because of that, I tend to be easily led into guilt. I should have more confidence in myself. I'm not dumb. I know my friends might joke about it, but I don't think they really think I'm dumb either. I'm not a very good listener, that's for sure. I can talk up a storm, but I could use a little development in the listening and memory department. But I'm feeling a lot of stress right now, and I don't really think the majority of it is legitimate. On the other hand, bad things have been happening to me lately that really haven't bothered me at all. My stolen iPod, my dwindling bank account, my living situation, and the parking ticket I got today just for being a Belmont student (I'll explain later). None of that stuff bothered me. Anyways, the parking ticket I got was in a lot at Vanderbilt in a building I am currently working in with TI. The ticket, which was a warning and not a full ticket, said that I didn't have a permit. Now I do have a huge Belmont parking permit on the back of my car, and that plus the fact that none of the other workers in the lot who don't have a permit didn't get a ticket (I drove around and looked) seems to indicate to me that the V-po that gave me the ticket just doesn't like Belmont students. Whatever. I happen to be good friends with one of the commanding officers at Vandi, so I don't think it'll be a problem.

Anyways, off to lunch then to class.

Feeling Better

I feel a lot better this morning. Maybe I just needed some sleep.

Don't Read This. It Makes Me Seem Desperate.

So that's a confirmation. I was reading a book yesterday that talked about Adam and Eve. It suggested that Adam may have been alone for up to 90 years before God saw that he was lonely and so he created Eve so that they might complete each other. But during that time, Adam lasted those long years with the relationship he had with God and with the task of naming the animals. That's a lot of animals. So I was thinking to myself, am I lonely or am I just bored? I waste a lot of my life not doing stuff. I don't have any active hobbies, and my relationship with God probably isn't anywhere near as personal as it was between He and Adam. So boredom seemed to be the answer. I'm not lonely, I'm just bored.

That seemed to make sense to me yesterday, but I feel completely different tonight. I have been so obsessed over the changes taking place in my life that I have failed to note any of the heavy changes taking place in my friends. Tonight I am hurt because I indeed realize that I am truly lonely in the deeper sense. Mostly my friends and I have stayed close on surface levels, and I know our friendship is genuine because we make sacrifices for each other. But the deepest parts of my heart and spirit have no place to go. Either my friends just don't want to talk about, or they don't see them as I do. We have, all of us, changed unnoticed. I feel like this is more likely to happen with guys than it is girls. I feel like we don't share the deeper emotions we feel with each other because it makes us feel uncomfortable, but then after a long period of failed communication, it's as if we don't recognize our spirits anymore.

And it's just like me to internalize these things and translate them into "me" and how it makes "me feel". Who cares how he feels, it's about how it makes me feel. Who cares if he needs someone to talk to, it's about how comfortable I feel just listening. I had a tall hurtful glass of truth tonight from a friend. I play god with people's lives, I make generalizations, my so called Christian love shies in comparison to atheists who live half way across the world and who were only known for a few months. I am just one of several reasons for lost faith. And this is after I had already accused myself of laughing at things that I knew were not funny, but I was still to much of a coward not to laugh. Perhaps these things weren't said verbatim, but that's what I picked up.

So right now I feel like a low and worthless human being, a failed friend, a man with very little impact, and above all else, lonely. I wish I had someone to talk, not to, but with. I wish I had someone who saw what I saw and wanted to encourage me to be all I could be. I want someone to do the same for. I serve Jesus the best I can, which isn't that great, but I desire to, and that has filled me with more meaning than I could have ever built for myself. But there is definitely a piece missing. I'm not even talking about romance. I just want someone to sit down and talk with for hours on end. I feel like I have so much to say and so many questions to ask.

Sometimes I just want to run away from it all. I want to try again, as if a new place would somehow make it seem like a new life. It's not. It would be just as full of problems as my current one. But the truth is, relationships with friends will hurt. We will fall short of our expectations for each other. The closer you are to someone, the greater the amount of damage they can do to you, and the likelihood of it happening is pretty high. Human error accounts for a great deal of most of life's problems. But you have to decide if the pain is worth the reward. I think it is. Sometimes it's really hard to keep going, but it is worth it in the end.

I'm going to go to bed now and I'll wake up in the morning and probably make myself too busy to think about any of this stuff. That's how I manage. I just zone out, accomplish my objectives, and then I do it again. But as soon as I get bored, I get scared because I tend to realize my surroundings.

South Harpeth

I ran Front of House sound today at church for the first time ever. It was weird. I felt out of practice. I think it went well though, considering I haven't done anything to that scale before. I mean this isn't your average church sound system. This system serves as one of Nashville's largest music venues during the week. That means we have to set everything up in the morning, make sure it all works, and then when it's all over, we have to break everything down again. It's a lot of work. But I was enthralled by the challenge of it. The only error that happened was out of my control anyways, so I didn't feel too bad. There was frequency interference with the wireless mics, so we just switched in the middle of the service. I'll be running again next week. I've taken some good notes.

After church we ended up going to the Sir Pizza like we always do. I mean the pizza sucks, but it has turned into a solid tradition, so I go every week. Once that is over we usually go back to one defined place and play video games or watch TV for a while. That's what we did today, only the gathering was pretty small. Then there's ultimate frisbee. That happens at about four, but I don't go anymore. I don't like to play during the extreme seasons. But I found myself at a crossroads today. I wasn't going to play frisbee, so what was I going to do. I decided to go out to my spot at the river out in the country. It's an awesome drive, and well worth it. When I got there I tried knocking on one of the doors of the houses near by just to let them know I was there, but no one answered. I ignored the signs that posted No Trespassing and I made my way down to a large dry log protruding out of the water. It was flat on one side, just perfect for sitting on. So I sat there and read and thought. I thought about a lot of things, like what a satisfying life would be like and what I currently allow to prevent me from living the life I envision. I would think about this and then get right back into my reading. Then I would stop and think again about whether or not I'm really lonely and in need of a girlfriend. What if I'm just bored? Then I read again. Then I would stop and skip rocks or fidget my feet around in the water as the little minnows and crayfish seemed very interested in them. Or maybe I would just stop and look at my surroundings, run my toes through the small rocks that I imagined as sand, smell the air, listen to the little gurgles of water and cicadas in the air. It was two hours of bliss.

On my way out, I did eventually find someone who I could ask permission from. His name was Bill and he was a weathered old man on the back of a riding lawnmower. He seemed really gentle and caring though, as if he had spent a few years of his own with grandkids.

"Sure, you can come out here any time you want just as long as you keep it clean. But you seem like a nice boy. Looks like you were just out here for a read. That's nice."

Ah, but it just made me want to buy a small shack out in the country and build it into a nice cottage. I would love doing something like that. I don't know how long I could stand it though. It would be rare for any of my friends to make it out of the city to visit, at least rare by my standards. But I think about having a tin roof, hard wood floors, and a fire place on a hillside in the woods, and I'm pretty happy. Who knows. Maybe it'll be something I'll really consider. Probably not for a while though.

Peace and love.

Live Like It

I was in and out of a discouraging funk today. I want adventure, but it doesn't seem like anyone else around me is interested. I think I'm going to have to go back to the old days when I just did stuff by myself. I'm not saying always, but sometimes I just need to get out and do something crazy.

Right now I feel like my life can be summed up pretty much in two categories. Either it's working, or it's watching TV. I don't get out much.

Tonight was a little bit different though. Vike and I went to see Weeman's band Disco Arts Collective play in East Nashville. There weren't many people there, but it was still fun and different. It was in a really old house, which I thought was awesome. But the music was great. The first band that played was just two guys on electric guitars... Well... one kept switching between electric and drums, but you get the picture. They played songs that put me into a trance. I got to thinking about all of the different people I have been throughout life. I thought a lot about who I was now. I try not to be dissatisfied with things like "self". It's mostly mentality, how you value yourself. But there are things about me that I'm really embarrassed about. Not being able to spell very well is one, not being able to remember people's name is another. There are also traits about me that I think I falsely advertise. I think it to be funny when I talk to someone who lets off that they're surprised that I'm a nice guy. I think a lot of people think I'm arrogant and no good. But this is new. I don't recall anyone getting that idea from me in high school. Most people thought I was nice and pleasant to be around. I think it's because I have started to socially retract. I have allowed myself to stand on the outskirts of a room instead of in the middle. I have allowed myself to stay away from meeting new people, when I used to be pretty good at it.

I'm tired of not meeting new people. I know a lot of my friends would feel uncomfortable at that, but I don't think I'm going to let that stop me. I'm going to make more of an effort. I keep saying that it's a new chapter in life, but it's high time I started living like it. I have great potential to be a friend to many, not just a few. I know that about myself. I want to attain that again. I'm tired of just being comfortable all of the time! I'm tired of watching TV with people. I'm 23 damn years old! I have a lot more ahead of me than that! I just feel like I'm wasting so much time!

So I'm going to make steps to make changes and see if anyone else follows or not. Here's hoping.

Peace and love.

Here's the Skinny

Just took one more dose of nyquil. I felt fine most of yesterday but then today it kicked in pretty hard while I was at work. I just had a lot of cold sweats is all. I'll get to sleep in tomorrow which is going to be great.

I found out today that I don't get paid for another week. That makes me a bit sad, but I think I can make it. I hope I can make it.

Sunday I'll be running front of house at church for the first time at Rocketown. I'm excited. I don't think I should be nervous because it's a pretty simple set up compared to what I'm used to, but for some reason, I still am.

I've been hanging out with the girls a lot lately too. It's nice to have friends of the opposite sex. It helps even out all my rough edges and reminds me that communication can sometimes take effort, but it is worth the energy. See, with guys, communication can be transmitted by simple gestures, but with girls, you have to say what you mean and say it clearly... That is... at least until you know each other well enough to communicate through gestures.

I'm getting pretty heavy right now. The nyquil must be kicking in.

The job is pretty exciting still. They teach me something new every day, and I'm really liking where the possibilities are headed. I really hope they'll be able to take care of me financially. That is my final big concern. But the experience is great. I'm actually starting to pick up my old books and brush up on some old trade skills and terminology.

That's it. I can't write anymore... WAYYYYY too tired.

Peace and love.

What's at the Top

I got really sick yesterday and early this morning I didn't feel too great. I had a fever and a pretty bad headache, but I still went to work. Right now I just have a headache, so I'm fine. I also had my Ipod stolen out of my tool box today at work, right out from under my nose. I couldn't have been more than 20 feet from it when it happened. But these things do happen. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. I have to remind myself that it's just an Ipod, and if I were going to be so upset and judgmental at its loss, perhaps I shouldn't have owned it in the first place. I have to learn to surrender this feeling inside of me that flares up when I feel that I have been wronged. That is my most lethal flaw and it gets me into a lot of trouble.

But things are steady right now. My new job is starting to make allowances for me to do more complicated, technical things. I'm trying to remember a lot, and there is a lot yet that I do not know, but I'm working on it as best I can. Either way, a hefty pay check is in the mail!

I'm finally feeling it though. I feel like I'm accomplishing something, or on the verge of accomplishing something. I feel as if I might just be able to take care of myself. I know it sounds silly, at least in modern culture, but it makes me feel like more of a man. I think about that a lot, about how, at my age, my parents were already married and had kids. I just don't feel anywhere near that responsible yet, but I want to. I don't think it is beyond me, I just feel like I've got a few obstacles to jump over before I land on my feet. Peace and love

Accept the Situation

Do you ever have a very specific need that you need a very specific person to listen to? I'm having that right now, and I'm missing that very specific person. I can talk to my friends about a lot of things and they will listen, but you don't go to the black smith to have him sew you some cloths... meaning, not everyone is a professional on every issue.

Gosh, just give me some time. I'll get over this hump like I always do. It's just a matter of time before I accept my situation.

Too Tired

I'm so confused tonight about a lot of things. I mean I'm not really surprised that I'm confused. I'm just confused. I've never had so much uncertainty in one sitting before.

I must confess to being extraordinarily tired tonight though. I know I say that a lot, that I'm tired, but I'm just physically spent in every sense of the word. I've been working pretty hard, and after work, I go work out, and I've been doing that all week. But tonight I'm finally crashing. My body just needs some time to catch up. But I'm looking forward to the weekend.

Oh, I've also been having some pretty strange thought as of late too. I mean not like weird juggling bear on a unicycle thoughts, but thoughts that I've not had in a long time. I'm not going to overreact this time. I'll probably just let them pass.

It's nine o'clock. I think I'm going to bed. Peace and love.

Surprised?

I'm going to jump around a bit from topic to topic, so stay with me.

Work is good. It's stimulating. I'm not in the service industry anymore and it is breathtaking... in a good way. I get to construct things, to fulfill my desire to create. At the end of the day I can look back and say "That's what I did today", and I'm simultaneously gaining experience in my career. That's great!

I've been combating my poor sleep habits as of late too. The way I've started to attack it is by working all day and then heading to the gym after work. It helps me relieve any stress I might have while putting me in better physical condition at the same time. And at night, I'm usually so tired, as soon as I hit the pillow I fall asleep and stay asleep.

I've been talking to a lot of girls lately about the mind of men. A lot of them understand our basic formula pretty well, but some don't. I think it's a shame because we really are simple at our very foundation. I mean, we are born with five basic desires. We want food, sleep, fulfilling work, to be needed, and sex. Anything else beyond that in our personality is based upon the culture and education we receive throughout life. So though some men might be more complex than just the five basic desires, if a woman understands that he will still make his decisions based upon one, if not more of them, she will understand a great deal. However, lots of girls don't know any of it. Most surprising to women is the fact that just about all straight men who they consider to be friends and spend a decent amount of time with might secretly want more than just friendship. Granted, I would consider decent men to practice self control, and many do, but a naive understanding can lead to dangerous interactions either by unknowingly leading an uncontrolled man on, or by falling victim to his scheming. All I've got to say is there are a lot of good books out there that talk about this subject and how to better understand it, and if a girl doesn't already, she might should check one of them out. I personally think "Wild at Heart" is a great one for church chicks to read. Though I don't agree with everything John Eldridge says, I still think he's got a lot of good written insight into the minds of men. Look into it.

But now I'm going to sleep. I've got a lot to think about tonight, more than I am privileged enough to write down at the moment. But I'm sorting through all of it and hopefully I'll have some answers soon.

Peace and love.

The Hard Thoughts Driving Me

The first day on the job today was great. I'm still really wet behind the ears, but I seem to have maintained a proper understanding of hierarchy and freshman mentality. This keeps me off of other people's toes. It was exhausting though. Not necessarily the work I was doing, but just paying attention to every little detail. I'm trying to learn very quickly something that has taken these guys many laborious hours to master. But I'm excited about it. I hope to somehow make this a career move. I would really like it if I could get some sort of finalization either here or in Raleigh.

It's hard to think about what I want though, I mean as far as distant future is concerned. Certainly I have many friends here and it would be nice to stay, but I feel slated into this form with very little room for change. I don't think I'm anywhere close to my potential, I sell myself short all of the time. Sometimes I feel like a new beginning might inspire me to achieve new heights, but sometimes it is nice to have familiarity too. I don't know. I think deep down I'm just scared of sticking around more than I am of leaving. My desire has always been to have a family of my own, someone to care for and support. Work is how I achieve that. But I've been so distant from relationships for so long, I feel numb to it. I'm also not meeting new people because I just don't have the time or energy, and, more specifically, I feel separate from my generation. I was raised in the old way, in chivalry, virtue, decisive leadership, and romance. So, not only am I not living fully to those personal standards, but I haven't met a woman in this state who desires that in a man. Of course, the one standard I am living in fully is decisive leadership. I think a lot of people consider me to be a selfish snob due to that particular sect of my personality (which perhaps there is some truth to). Some I can just sense it through their passive-aggressive nature, others tend to lash out at me, making it clear that they are uneasy about any decisions or thoughts I might have. Expansion and contraction, much like a beating heart.

But it's a strange town, Nashville. It's the kind of place where people get out of college and don't move to that next step. My generation takes up jobs to get by and tries desperately to stay where it is comfortable. And as I see more and more people here pushing thirty with no hint of desire for marriage or a family, and more and more of my younger friends from North Carolina are getting married and starting families of their own, it scares me. I am not maturing here. I am comfortable. And with the last breath of my inner virtue, buried deep in selfish indulgence, I'm screaming out for change, for someone to fight for.

I don't mean to sound condemning. I don't blame any of my friends for these feelings I have. If anything, I think we all are coming into similar light as of late. I think we all have a passion for something deeper because we know it's there. I think we all can see how we've allowed ourselves to settle in one spot for a great length of time, making no strides for change. It feels good. It is predictable. Life has been hard and uncertain all through college, and it is always good to have something comfortable and predictable to fall back on in uncertain times.

But this is a new passage in life. It's not college anymore. My heart has always been guarded to that. I remember coming to college that I promised myself I would never consider, at any point here, that I had reached my full potential. At that moment, when a man makes such a declaration, he condemns himself to living the rest of his life in pursuit of the full glory he thought he once had. I don't want my most glorious years to be spent at age 23. I want there to be greater things in life for me, much farther down the road.

These are the thoughts driving my decisions as of late. I do not mean to be hurtful to the people I love, but I must remain ever watchful for the next opportunity to rise in life. Perhaps it might be a fallacy, or just a form of pride, but I've always felt a deep sense of drive towards something great that I was specifically designed to accomplish. So I'll take the risk and follow that road.

Peace and love.

No Complaints

I've been writing a lot of new songs. I just recorded one tonight and, though I'm still happy with the song, I'm not happy enough with the recording to release it yet. Things are good in life right now though. I mean, I don't really see myself complaining about anything right now. I remember I heard a sermon on that once. We should never live life as if our ideal moment was not having anything to complain about. That would be living out of pessimism. But really, things are going well, though still unpredictable. I've said it before though. That's the way I prefer things to be.

I start with my new job tomorrow. It'll be rough going, and I'm a little bit intimidated just because this is what it all comes down to. Do I really know my craft? I'm curious, excited, nervous, and unsure. I just don't want to be in anyone's way and I want to make sure they get their money's worth. This really is a crash course, and it's not something I'm entirely prepared for. I think I know the fundamentals, but I've never installed anything professionally before. It'll be a combination between what my dad does for a living and what I've been studying for the past four years, so I guess I can't say that it will be completely new to me.

Sleep has still been difficult though. I'm not sure what it is, other than the heat in my room. But I just can't get a good night sleep. My body chemistry is way off balance, that's for sure. I'm more aggressive, my skin is more oily, and my thoughts are unclear. Don't tell me this is another jolt of puberty. Isn't it a little late for that now? Whatever. If it will give me the gift of a full beard, then I guess I'm for it.

So I'm running through the list. I want to make sure i have everything tomorrow. It's going to be exciting, and it's going to pay more than I'm making now. I really need to make sure I can make my current finances last a couple of weeks. It'll be tough, really tough, but I'm sure I'll get through it one way or another.

Peace and love.

Bars, Stripes, Curves, and Circles

This is just so strange. I can't be too detail specific right now, but I never expected something like this to arise. What wisdom do I have to make these kinds of decisions, what strength? I only pray that I can be quiet and observant enough to receive the answers to my questions.

For any one who was wondering, life has this fantastic consistency to be inconsistent and unpredictable despite all preperations and suppositions. And what's more, matters which apply to relationships also apply to several other venues of life as well. And me? I try as hard as I can, but I just seem to screw up again and again in relationships, so here's hoping. I'm really glad I have tomorrow off. I need to think.

But what about the Fourth of July? I don't know what was in to me today, but I just wasn't feeling it. I didn't want to watch the fireworks. It just didn't mean anything to me. I know that sounds unpatriotic, but perhaps I am. What it means to be an American to me seems so hopeless. I see how much we hurt others, what unshakable institutions we have in place, the electoral college, ivy league, iron handed corporation, the church losing it's purpose and meaning in a post modernistic society where no one truth exists. What hope is there, really? I have to search within mankind, within myself, to understand what is so redeemable about mankind that God consistently stays with us. It does not make sense to me. It just does not make sense to me anymore.

"The greater the circle of understanding, the greater the circumference of darkness."

I believe it was Albert Einstein who managed to break down everything I feel into that one quote. The more I learn and experience, the more unfeasible the idea of redemption becomes. If over 6.5 billion people on this earth revere themselves as god, as the determinent of their own truth as well as the ardent followers of their teachings, where does that leave us as a whole? A man's words and actions are only a skin thick surface to the lifetime of depth of his heart, and much of the time, those words and actions aren't even congruent with his true inner dwellings. To me, it would be a great God who could manage to find one redeeming quality in the whole lot of us, both Christian and non. To me, it will be quite interesting to behold how God might make a heaven out of so much opposing diversity. I have brothers and sisters who all pray to the same God who see almost no commonality in value. And that only states my concern with those who claim to be born again. What about all of the bitter, all of the unknowing, all of the preconceiving, all of the apathetic? What works must be done to settle this existence by a manner of glory desrving of the God who rules over it?

Hard Cover

Just got in from a pretty rough past few days. I've been trying to sleep better, but it hasn't exactly worked out as well as I had hoped. I vaguely remember going through phases like this before, and I guess I'm just going to have to wait it out. Eventually my body will be too tired to NOT sleep well. Helping that process lately has been work. I've been working my tail off for the past four days because there's a huge convention staying at the hotel right now. They'll be gone by tomorrow, but I saw more than I'd care to in one week. My legs have been fatigued as of late and my left knee is starting to bother me. Running up and down stairs all day is pretty high impact, not to mention all of the suitcases I've been handling. For the most part it keeps me in shape, but right now it's a little extreme. Anyways, enough about work.

I've been taking hits a lot lately, and I have to keep reminding myself to perservere. Sometimes it can feel like God is repetitiously poking me with a stick. Every once-in-a-while I need a reminder of mercy, which hasn't really come yet, but I've never doubted God as having His head in the game, so-to-speak. I will just keep pressing through all of this opposition and see what happens in the end. Honestly, if I haven't picked this up as a reoccuring theme in life yet... I don't know if I ever will.

But music has been flowing from these past few weeks. I have written four new songs, some which may never be heard, but four none the less. I really see it as sort of odd, how it has come back to me just as the light in the tunnel becomes visible. It's as if I really wasn't supposed to write many songs in college, but just to experience and feel. I write about different things now. I'm not obsessive about love anymore. Certainly some of my lyrics still contain love messages, but my music covers several spectrums of life now as opposed to when I first entered college. All I could write was music and lyrics based around the mental image of one girl. It literally drove me crazy. Perhaps I am a little more numb to "true love" now than I used to be, but this is just a season. Friends are what is important to me now as this season of my life begins to close. In my mind I see this thick book with a hard cover begin to close on the last page. From right to left the back cover slowly casts a shadow over the last written words of my college experience. But at the same time I am handed a new book. This one is even thicker and all of the pages have yet to be written on. It's intimidating. But I've been spending any amount of free time with my friends, trying to create just a few more memories before I leave this place. It's tricky, and it becomes more real every day, but the world keeps spinning through space.

Tonight Matt, Viking, and I walked to a park and tossed the frisbee around for a while. We also managed to get a few good minutes on the playground. Why not? When we got back we ordered hotwings and watched Ultimate Fighting with Joey. Tomorrow I'm running sound at church, but we will do the pizza thing as always.

"Oh the times, they are a changin."

Peace and love.