No Songs

I sat down to write music tonight because I've had so much on my mind as of late. I wanted to open my mouth and have this amazing song just spill out, something that I could hang on the wall and stare at and have it remind me of the passion I feel. That song hasn't happened yet, and I'm getting discouraged. I won't plead ignorance though. I know exactly why I can't write and it's been driving me crazy. Have you ever just wanted something so bad that it leads you to start playing mind games with yourself? I'm in that haze right now. I want something so bad that I've come to the point of trying to convince myself that I don't want it anymore. People like me have a little trouble dealing with lack of control. I was telling Stuffy today that when I engage myself in these situations I'm like a wave. I start to swell and then I just crash and make a big mess. I don't want to crash though, so what do I do? I try to convince myself that I'm not engaged. I try to convince myself that what I have now is better than putting it all up in the air for the chance of something better. I hide under a banner of control. But this doesn't make sense. I've been preaching for the past forever that taking risks and getting the crap beat out of you is what makes life worth living. Predictability is boring! So what do I do? Do I contradict myself and sit around, or do I take both hands off the wheel? If only I could put THAT into a song, I'd be alright... No... I'll tell you what I'd be. I'd be content to just sit back and play that song to myself instead of acting on the words and doing something.

Now I'm starting to confuse myself. I'm going to soak in front of the tv for a while. Peace and love.