Christmas in July?

I'm listening to Death Cab for Cutie's Transatlanticism right now. Perfect with good hot tea to keep me company. I'm going to be busy for the next while. There are very few holes in my schedule, but I won't complain. I'm not sad that is.

Right now I feel like a kid on Christmas Eve. There's so much of my future that's up in the air, so many things that I've asked for. It's very much like a present under the tree. And here I sit just a few feet away wanting so badly to peel back some of the wrapping and see what's there. I'm impatient. What's more is that I know if I were to look, it would totally kill the surprise. I thank God that He keeps my future a mystery. I know that He gives the best presents and I know that He listens.

I was talking to someone about that recently, about futures and certainty. He told me that before I commit to falling in love, I must have set aside a secure future. I must have prospects. I respect that, but I do not agree. No where in my heart rests the desire to be secure. I want to free-fall in God's life planned for me. I want a love that feels the same. But then I take a step back and wonder how many men, how many thousands of men before me have cried the exact same desire, and how many of them ended up behind a desk, planted firmly in secure and predictable suburbia? Will real life conquer me? I would hope not. But I can see it coming, that deciding point, and what makes things worse is that there are a few things on the silent conquered side that I desire. Who knows. Stuffy once told me though that if I settled for a life of being a simple cog in the wheel, that he'd kick my ass. Everyone needs good friends to keep them motivated.

Heh. Just checked the weather and it looks like it's going to be a hot one this week. Whatever. I'll be fine. Sweaty, but fine...

So here's the decree. I'm going to take my down-time more seriously. I will enjoy silence when it comes. My failing to do so for this past year has really cost me a great deal. I was talking with Brian while in Chicago about that. I can't become the kind of person who prioritizes business over my family and friends. My peak priority has always been spending time with the people I care about. I just never really thought anything else lasted. It's hard sometimes though. Sometimes I can be really selfish when hanging out with others, and sometimes I can be neglectful. And then there are the times when I shrink down to a very small group. In my subconscious I feel like there is less risk of pain that way. What a wuss. You'd think that a guy my age would realize that for all the pleasures that come from relationships, sometimes pain shows up. I'm the one that preaches pain as being an augmentor of beauty. I sure can talk though, can't I?

Well, I'm going to sit back for a few more minutes and soak in the silence. I'll be running sound at church in the morning with Matt. I'm sure I'll enjoy that. And to you (if anyone even reads this), may your life be bright in the light of God's brilliance. Peace and love.