Fingers and Toes

I just want to give you fair warning that if you're looking for meaning behind my title, you won't find any in this entry. I don't even know what I'm writing about tonight. Maybe it's all in the name of settling my nerves. I moved my computer the the living room where the lights have been dimmed and I sit listening to Miles Davis. I just drank a hot cup of tea and now I sit to determin if my thoughts are worth publishing. There's a good deal on my mind, don't get me wrong. I just take caution as to what I make public. I don't expect to reveal all of myself here. Where would the fun be in that?

I guess I've been feeling a bit shallow for the past few days. The majority of my thoughts feel a bit less than memorable. I don't feel like they take me anywhere, if that makes any sense. I'm wrestling big-time right now with calling and whether or not it is possible to live a life of significance. I'm not talking about making wads of cash and living the high-life. I'm talking about spiritual significance. But where are my motivations? They get lost every once in a while. I get confused and sidetracked. Or am I being sidetracked? I know this much about myself. I don't desire predictability or security. With that in mind, I do not detest this current state of existance. It makes everything more beautiful in my opinion.

My roommates finally moved out completely today, so the whole apartment is mine. I got it pretty cleaned up which helped me sort out some of my mental qualms. I even sat down and tried to write a song, but it didn't come out as well as I would have hoped. I haven't given up though. I'll keep working with it.

I was thinking this year what it might be like, me being here all summer as opposed to being home. How will it effect my responsibilities and my motivations? I know it will all be different, but I'm hoping it's different in a good way and not a stressful way. But come to think of it, why do I always think of stress as bad. Has it ever killed me? ... Well... it came close once. But I've received so much wisdom as a result of it.

I'm learning to rest in uncertainty.

Peace and love.