This is Me Venting My Frustration

I'm thoroughly discouraged right now. I just got my work schedule the night before the workweek starts and I was scheduled for tomorrow morning. I specifically put on the schedule listings that I don't work Mondays because I have two jobs and the other one has precedent on Monday. Not only that, but they didn't even ask if they COULD schedule me on a day that I specifically don't work, they just did. This happens way too often to be tolerable. Beyond that, I can't even get in touch with anyone that works there now and I have to be in a session at 8:30am. I have no choice but to just not show up, but what's going to happen is that they will call me first thing in the morning to ask where I am. On top of that, my character is marred. There's just too much going on this week for stuff like this to be happening. In short, I'm really really pissed off. I've been working hard all day to finish off my chores so that I could be ready for this week. The ONLY thing that could have happened to set me off just did.

I don't have any justification to be this mad though. This entire school year is going to be hellishly arduous. Two jobs, several classes, one internship, one office, and bills standing behind me with no mercy for failure. I'm nervous as to whether or not I will be able to adapt. I've never failed before, but I've never faced an opponent this fierce before either. If I have enough strength to do this, I'll have plenty of confidence when I graduate, that much is certain.

Trying to Change

Life is changing for me and the people around me, and it has all been coming at a pretty fast pace. I'm trying to keep up, and it's not very easy. Sometimes you have to shed things that you've held on to for a long time or you will fall under. So I'm taking a step back and analyzing my life. What is necessary and what isn't? There's a good bit of both. I always start these periods off with a thorough cleaning of my surroundings. It gives me time to think and organize my thoughts as I organize the space in which I live. Some things I throw out and others I stand back up and dust off. And when it's all done, a fesh smell rises up and you can feel at peace for a while. The only hitch is that when I get cleaned up, I tend to just sit in autopilot for a while and wait until things get dirty to the point where I have to clean again. I don't stay consistant.

Change is difficult but life should never be predictable. I've said it time and time again, but maybe someday I'll understand as well with my head the words that my tongue is already quite familiar with.

Can't Give Up (Fragmented Thoughts)

I'm so tired and work has been so hard. There are so many things on my mind and I can't even express how it feels. But I can't give up because I've come too far. I did write a song tonight though. I was glad for that. I ate a lot of food too and I think I'm gaining weight.

All in all, I just want to be content, but that has nothing to do with external achievement and everything to do with my heart.

So here we go to bed in hopes of sleeping the entire night through. I haven't had a dream in a while, I've just been tossing and turning. I'm more and more tired though, so I suppose I have more of a fighting chance. Peace and love.

Great News

Today I found out that I'm going to be an uncle! Congratulations Grace and Josh!

No Songs

I sat down to write music tonight because I've had so much on my mind as of late. I wanted to open my mouth and have this amazing song just spill out, something that I could hang on the wall and stare at and have it remind me of the passion I feel. That song hasn't happened yet, and I'm getting discouraged. I won't plead ignorance though. I know exactly why I can't write and it's been driving me crazy. Have you ever just wanted something so bad that it leads you to start playing mind games with yourself? I'm in that haze right now. I want something so bad that I've come to the point of trying to convince myself that I don't want it anymore. People like me have a little trouble dealing with lack of control. I was telling Stuffy today that when I engage myself in these situations I'm like a wave. I start to swell and then I just crash and make a big mess. I don't want to crash though, so what do I do? I try to convince myself that I'm not engaged. I try to convince myself that what I have now is better than putting it all up in the air for the chance of something better. I hide under a banner of control. But this doesn't make sense. I've been preaching for the past forever that taking risks and getting the crap beat out of you is what makes life worth living. Predictability is boring! So what do I do? Do I contradict myself and sit around, or do I take both hands off the wheel? If only I could put THAT into a song, I'd be alright... No... I'll tell you what I'd be. I'd be content to just sit back and play that song to myself instead of acting on the words and doing something.

Now I'm starting to confuse myself. I'm going to soak in front of the tv for a while. Peace and love.

Crazy What Happens in Three Years

For the past two days I've been working on a subproject with little progress, but my enthusiasm is still optimal. Throughout college life, we have had several video moments, all of which I am working dilligently at editing for the start of the school year. The work consists of me watching over and over again the insanity of our past, and it has brought me to a good bit of reflection. It's amazing what can happen in just three years. Looking at all of us in comparison from then and now is incredible. We're all so different yet so much the same. I don't know if I've gotten better or worse, but I do know that I've enjoyed all of it. But that's just three years. You've gotta wonder how much more change is just down the road. Each year brings just a little bit more responsibility and maturity. Change is such a huge part of our lives. Sometimes it feels like flying in an airplane though. You feel stagnant and stuck in that small little seat next to the sleeping smelly guy and in front of the crying baby. You get cramped up, but you forget that you're actually moving at over 400 miles per hour. It's only when you look back to your origin from your destination that you realize just where you've come from and how little time has passed.

Time... time wasn't very friendly to me this morning, or maybe blame should be cast upon the construction crew working on the new dorm. After all, it was they who cut the power this morning. Time could no longer function properly in order to wake me up at the period requested. Long story short, I was over an hour late to work the desk this morning. Speaking of which, before I go to bed, I think I might set my phone alarm to go off with my regular alarm. That way, there is little likelyhood of both failing. I need to go to bed though. I didn't sleep well last night at all. I had a hard time pinpointing what exactly it was that was keeping me up so late, but maybe tonight I will be tired enough. Who knows? Peace and love.

Christmas in July?

I'm listening to Death Cab for Cutie's Transatlanticism right now. Perfect with good hot tea to keep me company. I'm going to be busy for the next while. There are very few holes in my schedule, but I won't complain. I'm not sad that is.

Right now I feel like a kid on Christmas Eve. There's so much of my future that's up in the air, so many things that I've asked for. It's very much like a present under the tree. And here I sit just a few feet away wanting so badly to peel back some of the wrapping and see what's there. I'm impatient. What's more is that I know if I were to look, it would totally kill the surprise. I thank God that He keeps my future a mystery. I know that He gives the best presents and I know that He listens.

I was talking to someone about that recently, about futures and certainty. He told me that before I commit to falling in love, I must have set aside a secure future. I must have prospects. I respect that, but I do not agree. No where in my heart rests the desire to be secure. I want to free-fall in God's life planned for me. I want a love that feels the same. But then I take a step back and wonder how many men, how many thousands of men before me have cried the exact same desire, and how many of them ended up behind a desk, planted firmly in secure and predictable suburbia? Will real life conquer me? I would hope not. But I can see it coming, that deciding point, and what makes things worse is that there are a few things on the silent conquered side that I desire. Who knows. Stuffy once told me though that if I settled for a life of being a simple cog in the wheel, that he'd kick my ass. Everyone needs good friends to keep them motivated.

Heh. Just checked the weather and it looks like it's going to be a hot one this week. Whatever. I'll be fine. Sweaty, but fine...

So here's the decree. I'm going to take my down-time more seriously. I will enjoy silence when it comes. My failing to do so for this past year has really cost me a great deal. I was talking with Brian while in Chicago about that. I can't become the kind of person who prioritizes business over my family and friends. My peak priority has always been spending time with the people I care about. I just never really thought anything else lasted. It's hard sometimes though. Sometimes I can be really selfish when hanging out with others, and sometimes I can be neglectful. And then there are the times when I shrink down to a very small group. In my subconscious I feel like there is less risk of pain that way. What a wuss. You'd think that a guy my age would realize that for all the pleasures that come from relationships, sometimes pain shows up. I'm the one that preaches pain as being an augmentor of beauty. I sure can talk though, can't I?

Well, I'm going to sit back for a few more minutes and soak in the silence. I'll be running sound at church in the morning with Matt. I'm sure I'll enjoy that. And to you (if anyone even reads this), may your life be bright in the light of God's brilliance. Peace and love.

What Was It

The past few days in Chicago with Brian and Brandon were great. Chicago gives me a knew understanding of the term "big city". Nashville is not a "big city". Other than that, I feel sorta weird right now. I have tons I want to talk about, but I don't know if it's the appropriate time. I guess I'll just stop myself short and sleep on it. Maybe I'll feel differently in the morning. Peace and love.

Fingers and Toes

I just want to give you fair warning that if you're looking for meaning behind my title, you won't find any in this entry. I don't even know what I'm writing about tonight. Maybe it's all in the name of settling my nerves. I moved my computer the the living room where the lights have been dimmed and I sit listening to Miles Davis. I just drank a hot cup of tea and now I sit to determin if my thoughts are worth publishing. There's a good deal on my mind, don't get me wrong. I just take caution as to what I make public. I don't expect to reveal all of myself here. Where would the fun be in that?

I guess I've been feeling a bit shallow for the past few days. The majority of my thoughts feel a bit less than memorable. I don't feel like they take me anywhere, if that makes any sense. I'm wrestling big-time right now with calling and whether or not it is possible to live a life of significance. I'm not talking about making wads of cash and living the high-life. I'm talking about spiritual significance. But where are my motivations? They get lost every once in a while. I get confused and sidetracked. Or am I being sidetracked? I know this much about myself. I don't desire predictability or security. With that in mind, I do not detest this current state of existance. It makes everything more beautiful in my opinion.

My roommates finally moved out completely today, so the whole apartment is mine. I got it pretty cleaned up which helped me sort out some of my mental qualms. I even sat down and tried to write a song, but it didn't come out as well as I would have hoped. I haven't given up though. I'll keep working with it.

I was thinking this year what it might be like, me being here all summer as opposed to being home. How will it effect my responsibilities and my motivations? I know it will all be different, but I'm hoping it's different in a good way and not a stressful way. But come to think of it, why do I always think of stress as bad. Has it ever killed me? ... Well... it came close once. But I've received so much wisdom as a result of it.

I'm learning to rest in uncertainty.

Peace and love.

The Darkness

I made it through the day despite how long I thought it would last. I had class this morning and then work right after, but I ended up being let go a little bit early which was nice. At work, to occupy my time, I cleaned the bell closet in a way that it has never been cleaned before. After I left, I met Grace and Josh at the Parthenon and talked about life for a while.

I've been really tired lately and I think it's because I haven't been sleeping well, only I don't want to take drugs to fix it because my sleep has been really interesting at the same time. I have always had vivid dreams ever since I got to school. Sometimes they just feel so real. Last night, however, was the first time I have ever had a continuous vivid dream coming from the night before and starting where the previous night left off.

Thursday Night:
I was driving my car with a passenger I had never met before. It was foggy and dismal that day and we had to take our time because of the poor visibility and the fact that I had never driven that area before. We turned onto a straightaway, a small two-lane road with guardrails on either side. The fog sat just below what I thought were ditches on either side of the road, that is, until I saw a break in the fog. On either side of the road there was actually a 500-foot drop. I remember thinking "Man, if you lost control on this road you'd be screwed." I drove more cautiously until we reached a roundabout. Here there was still fog, but less. The trees were all dead but the grass was very green. In the middle of the roundabout was an old run down church that had been abandoned for quite some time. We ended up following an old blue car at this point, but not for long. It ended up, for no reason, barreling through the guardrail and crashing down the mountainside. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't do anything if I stopped. They were clearly dead. I didn't have my phone either, so I decided to keep on driving until I reached some place where I could report what I saw. I kept driving around the roundabout in disbelief until I saw a middle aged, curly brunet woman of husky build with a chubby and slightly aged face. Dressed in an off-white nightgown she walked in front of my car, bringing me to a stop. She then slowly walked to my window which I rolled down. She leaned over casually, raised her pointed finger towards the church and said in a lazy voice
"You know... there's a dead body over there in the grass..."
On her face was an expression of casual delight, not too bright, but not emotionless either. I then looked over to my right where a man with a gun was yelling at a family in a van trying to open one of their doors to get at them. I took no more time to stay in that place, but nobody seemed to have a problem letting me go either. So I drove until I reached a hotel built like no other hotel I had ever seen. It was all one story and it seemed very small on the outside. I opened the door of my car and stood up to stretch, but no sooner had I than a pack of pitbulls jumped on me. I shoved them off as best I could trying to injur as many as possible. They seemed to slow down beyond practical gravity as the struggle progressed, but they never let off. I ran into the hotel but was soon met with the problem of automatic sliding doors. I couldn't run from the dogs so I did my best to hold the door shut with one hand while I reached for the other non-automatic door with the other. I made it in. I never found a room though. I never made it that far before it revealed itself to me. I was being hunted by what was known as The Darkness. It was a being that could take on any shape of any living creature and it was after my life and my soul. The lights were on, but the light that they cast grew fainter and fainter by each second. I knew it was closing in so I ran into the stair well. The stairs went down into the ground instead of up, but I went hastily, jumping down entire staircases without injury. The Darkness was on my trail. It then took the form of a crowd of people marching down the stairs in hard-soled shoes after me. I then woke up.


Friday Night:
I was at the bottom of the stairwell where I came across a door that brought me outside into a great field. I ran through the field and met a group of men who knew of The Darkness. They actually had come to fight it. Their courage gave me courage, but I wanted to see it first. The first man went out and met the darkness in the field. It then took on an image of something the man loved. I didn't get a clear view, but I think it was a woman. The man let his guard down and The Darkness took his soul. The next man went out, much more steadfast and prepared, wearing armor and wielding a sharp sword. He seemed very confident as he walked out to meet The Darkness in the field. Now this field was very green, but with black porous rocks jutting out in all different areas. I found a rock to hide behind up on a hill looking over the field. I didn't see much but a few flashes of the man slaying all different images that The Darkness took on to take him. He vanquished the being on the field and stood in reflection over its corpse. As he lowered his arms and his head in silence, the being swiftly rose, taking on its true form, and slayed him on the spot. I didn't cry out, though I felt in my heart that I had a deep connection with this man whose soul was taken. I peaked over the rock and saw The Darkness. I don't know how to describe it. It looked like a solid, but it wasn't. It was darkness all over, but it's eyes managed to be darker than the rest of it's body. You could in fact only make out the body because certain parts of it were lighter dark than others. It looked to be wearing a spiked crown of darkness as it surveyed its victory. But as I barely peaked over the rock, I was thrown into immense fear, and as if I had shouted, revealing my location, it turned and sharply looked at what little part of me was revealed over that rock, but I still was to afraid to even make a nose. I had nowhere to run. I tried to organize my thoughts but I couldn't. All the while, The Darkness had taken the form of a Grizzly Bear. In my desperation I decided to fall as if I had fainted. The Darkness came closer and closer until it was standing directly over my body. At this I pulled a knife and shoved it into the bears chest, twisting the blade as vigorously as I could until it had fallen. That's when I woke up.

I wonder if this dream will continue again tonight. I kinda hope that it does, and I kinda hope that it doesn't. Peace and love
.

The Week

It wouldn't be unfair of me to say that this week was particularly awesome. I had a great time. Starting last Sunday night, Karl and Andy arrived at my humble apartment with the same plans as I had... none. So the week went by and I plowed the fields in the morning and after that, anything went. Monday started off with a bit of a sour taste. Last week my life wasn't exactly carefree and the dark clouds followed me to Monday morning when work called at 7:16am.

work:"Where are you Nate? We're worried about you. You're never late."
abruptly awoken me: "Uh... uh... I'm coming in. I'm coming in. Sorry... I'm coming in."
work: "Okay man, see you in a few."

I stumbled around my room in a half woken panic for a few seconds more before I slapped my phone closed. It was as if the clap of the cellular plastic were the fingers of a hypnotist. I suddenly woke to my senses.

"I'm not supposed to come in today... I've got the day off!"

I called back and luckely I have great friends. Clayton said it wouldn't be a problem and for me to go back to sleep. So I tried to take his advice. Easier said than done. My heart was pounding because I hate being late for work. I feel like it blemishes my character. I needed that sleep though. I went to bed at three the night prior and I had to be at work at the desk at 10. I did eventually get to sleep though, and that was the last of my discouragement this past week.

When I awoke, Karl was already awake and he went with me to work and we sat and talked for several hours. When I got off we went back to retrieve still sleeping Andy so that we could go to lunch. They wanted vibe so I took them first to SATCO and we ate outside. It was there that we ran into Sarah Dean who offered us free Hootie and the Blowfish tickets. There were only two though, so I gave them to Andy and Karl and had planned to stay back and finish doing my maintenance reports on campus. They were, after all, due two days from then and the next day was the fourth, so I didn't feel much like working then. So when we got to the ampitheater, Sarah gave them their tickets and then asked me if I'd like to stay. I had no ticket and I had work, so I politely refused, but then she pulled out a third ticket. What do I do? Do I clame the official title of "lame-ass" and refuse free Hootie tickets so that I can get my work done? Or do I stick it to the man, take the tickets, have a great time, and try to scramble the next day? I've discovered that I really like "sticking it to the man".

Tuesday was the Fourth and I still had work in the morning, but it was fine. I did it in high spirits and then went on with my maintenance reports afterwards, finishing those in less time than I originally thought. That meant we were free for the cookout at the house. Steak, burgers, dogs, you name it, we grilled it. We took Matt some because he had to work and then I showed the guys around the hotel. After that we went back to campus and played some disc. Stuffy was with us. We were playing until the firework show started which at that point we were going to go to the parking garage to view. When we got there we quickly discovered that the view wasn't going to be that great, but I knew of a potentially better place. The new science center on campus had a high balcony on the top floor. If we were to get there we could potentially have the best seats in the city. We ran, I without my shirt, to the building and rode the elevator up to the top floor. There were people there, so we went back to the floor below and Karl gave me his shirt. He thought this to be wise because I could be fired for being crazy, but the most they could do to him is ask him to leave. We went back up and from the balcony we enjoyed the show while taking part in the decorative refreshments. When the show ended a man next to me spoke up about the success and conclusion of the gathering. It was the president of the university. Andy was curious as to what was going on, and evidently we crashed a party to a high class gathering of Belmont's movers and shakers. With that knowledge Stuffy, Eric, Andy, Karl, and I went to the elevator with the president and his close friends and we all crammed in. The poor man was trying to make the best of the situation knowing that we were his students. Andy then decided that it would be a good idea to sing "You are my Sunshine" to break the awkward silence. You should have seen the looks on the people's faces. When the doors opened all of us rifraf got off and started in with Andy. We then went back to my apartment and enjoyed the private fireworks throughout the city from my apartment view.

Let me abreviate because it's getting late. Wednesday night we went to get all-you-can-eat wings and before we went to the Wooten show on 3rd and Lindsley. That's the best show in Nashville for five bucks. Last night we made sushi, and abundance of very good sushi, and then finished off the night by going to see Superman Returns. Good food, good movie. When I woke up in the morning, they were gone, but it was a great time.

Grace and Josh got here today. It's been good to hang out with them for a while. I won't hardly see them tomorrow because I'll be in class and at work for most of the day, but such is the life of a college student. We went to see the new Pirates movie which I'm still digesting right now. They also brought with them the instrument that my parents got me from China. It's called a Sanxian and I'm picking it up pretty fast. So that's life right now. I'll be pretty busy for the next week or so, but you take care. Peace and love.

Think of it as a Painting

I've wrestled with a good deal today. Patience, understanding, self-control, focus, listening, and the list continues. Last night my plans grew shakier and my heart grew a bit heavier, but I'm still standing.

Class this morning wasn't as much of a learning experience for me as it was for everyone else. We were discussing micing techniques for different instruments that we were supposed to bring in, only nobody did. So when I got there I turned right back around and went to pick up our arsenal from the house. I grabbed the djimbe, shakers, mandolin, violin, banjo, lap dulcimer, tambourine, and harmonica. When I got back we started up and, as it turned out, I was the only one who played any of the instruments. So I stayed behind the mics and played while everyone else was in the control room listening and learning. Oh well.

Eric and I went to see Superman tonight. I really liked it, but there was this kid behind me that really tested my patience. You can always tell the parents who don't believe in spankings because their kids are obnoxious in public. It's funny too to hear an adult beg her toddler to be still and silent in a theater. After being kicked in the back several times, I finally had enough. I grabbed my empty plastic Sprite bottle, lifted it up even with my head and I slowly crushed all of the air out of it so as to pass along the message, without making too much of a scene, that I would be appreciative if they would do us all the honor of controlling the child. Someone else didn't mind making a scene though and they just turned around and told them to leave. Whatever. How could one expect a child to be considerate of others if the parents were not setting an example? That's my soapbox on that.

It's been a rough day though. I hate to take out all of my aggression on a toddler, but MAN it took a good deal of patience. I'm trying to find joy as best I can, but sometimes it's just so hard. Stuffy and I talked for a good while on our current situations. We're both struggling with like-natured problems, we just approach them differently. I'm learning a great deal about myself right now through him and my mentor. Sometimes it hurts, but I will keep growing. Peace and love.

Too Relaxed

I forgot what all I left behind here when I went home for the past few days. Wouldn't you know that work would try and screw me over with this week's schedule? If that wasn't bad enough, I don't have any phone numbers to contact them with so I can get it changed. I'm going to have to figure something out over the weekend. They know better than to schedule me on Monday's and Saturdays.

But I feel pretty squashed right now. The drive home gave me some time to think, but thinking doesn't always mean that you come to any solutions. You might just dig your hole deeper than it was before. I really just feel... helpless here. I feel trapped in this city. It bothers me that I can't do what my heart longs for, but at the same time, it is my nature to finish what I started. I came here to learn, and I have indeed learned in abundance. The stresses of it never get easier though. It brings me down ten feet when kinks get thrown in my operation and they do all the time. But didn't I sign up for that? I've always said that a stable life isn't a life worth living. That's a big part of my philosophy. And out of everything I've learned, I haven't quite figured out how to not get bent out of shape every time I fall through the ice. I fail to see the opportunities at first because I get so distracted in feeling sorry for myself. Why is that such an instinctive response to failure or adversity? Nothing ever gets done when you've fallen off and all you can think about it how unfair it is. People get kicked while they're down, it's a fact of life. The longer it takes for you to realize that, the more time you'll spend on the ground being kicked instead of making progress.

On a completely seperate subject, I itch. My superhuman immunities have seemingly left me and I have both mosquito bites and poison ivy. I haven't had either of them in years!

Whatever. This week is full of opportunities that I can see and claim as long as I'm not too busy crying about myself. Peace and love.