What Next?

Tonight I feel unsettled, like a bottle rocket or a loose cannon. I'm at the edge of finishing this worship project and I can't say that I'm %100 satisfied with my work, but considering how much time was spent on it, it's not too bad. Seems like my life is filling up these days with all sorts of different activities which I can't really complain about, it's just that sometimes I wish someone would drink me or maybe spill me or something metaphorical like that. I find in my reflections that I'm a very uncontent individual. I never feel like what I do is good enough nor where I am in my life. It's always that one step higher that I just can't reach. The first person I pick out in a crowd is the one more achieved than I. That's why, I think, rejection hurts so bad. It's because it's so hard for me to find value in myself. And what's more is my not being able to find my value in other people. I can be told that I'm great at something, but if I don't see it, it's not there. A mindset like that makes life hard. It sets limits on the relationships you have with others and it makes it hard to start new ones. What keeps me going? The hope that I'll find it someday. I might find my niche in the wheel sorta like I did my senior year in high school. I tried every sport there was and finally my senior year I ended up swimming and I was really good at it and I felt good about it. Music used to be my thing. I felt good about it and others made me feel good about it too. Here, it's different. I haven't really found that thing that sets me apart from everyone else because here we all are the same. And what I am seems simple for now. I'm a white, 22 year old, averagely intelligent, single male college student. I usually don't eat breakfast. I have a morning job that makes slow money. My car is standard but it works and at least I have one. My cloths are a little worn and old, but I've never really given fasion much thought. I've been around the world and seen crazy things, but no one my age really seems to care when I talk about. Only people who have been around the world understand.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'll get out of here some day. For now I'll just do my job as a student and an employee. Maybe I'm not supposed to find it yet, and if that's what's going to keep my life interesting, then so be it. I guess life would suck pretty bad if I got what I wanted whenever I wanted it. Peace and love.