Needless Difficulty

It's about this time every year for the past several years that I encounter a bizarre heart ache. I don't want to be specific about it with you. I'm tired of sharing with other people the way I feel about it because I think sharing only makes the situation worse. I have become poetic with my expression over this matter, making it ever more hard to deal with. Why write about it then? Because I have to do something with it.

I was working today at the hotel, which is unusual because I don't generally work on Saturdays. There was some wind that they would be short handed so I volunteered, which I came to regret for more than one reason as the day progressed. To get the lesser reasons out of the way, I didn't make hardly any money at all for the amount of energy I exerted, but more than that were the thoughts that I happened upon while working. There was a wedding reception that the hotel was going nuts for in attempts to be in order once the many guests arrived. I was on the ramp waiting for cars when I was called to help carry flowers inside to the ballroom where the reception was going to be held. When I got there, the atmosphere was already set with music and decor all depicting romance. When I went back downstairs I saw the bride and groom come in the front doors sill dressed in their wedding cloths. It reminded me of my sister's wedding except for the bride and groom being younger than I. I felt sorry for them for that. I hope they are prepared for the challenges that will come their way at such a young age. But the atmosphere was that of love and commitment which got me to thinking. Every day I feel more and more distant from such a thing ever coming in to my life. It feels like a fairy tale to me. I can't imagine someone who could understand me nor have I ever met a girl who has cared to care for me longer than a few months. Beyond that, I envision a passion by which I cannot sacrifice for less. I wouldn't want to be in love if love turned out not to be the passion I hoped for. And more and more each day, not only do I feel like there's not a girl out there who could feel that way for me, but I don't even feel like I could care for someone else like that. I used to think I had something to give, but not so much anymore. So I look at the situation. Is it me or is it society? I think it's a bit of both. I'm more selfish than I'm even aware of but society is pretty effed up too. I can't even meet girls anymore. Today you have to have a damn good reason to just walk up to a girl and say "hello" or else you're liable to get maced in the eyes. And then you say hello. Well... if at that point they haven't mistaken your communication as "let's get married" and in turn been scared away or way overly interested, then it STILL is all up to you to make all of the moves and work everything out.

That doesn't interest me at all anymore. Do girls exist that don't like to make a guy suffer to win their favor?

Enough of my yammering on that. There's plenty more resting on my mind than just that. For instance, how am I going to survive next year? Not only am I taking crazy loads of class in order to graduate on time, but I'm taking Calculus (the class I dropped last semester because I was failing it) on top of physics, I'm working to pay for rent off campus, I'm the president of a fraternity, and I want to get more involved with my church. I'm trying to figure out how all of this is going to work and I just get all bent out of shape thinking about it. I know God has a great way of working these things out, but how much is He expecting me to do on my own. He doesn't just expect me to be stupid for the rest of my life because He's worked everything out to where I don't even have to apply myself anymore, does He? So how much effort is this going to take? Where is my breaking point? And lastly, Why?

I feel so shallow asking questions like that. In my depths I know why, but I still ask. I just, for once, want to feel like I'm not under the gun. I want to know that I'm working at a good pace and that I'm doing a good job. I want comfort in prideless confidence while still meeting challenge in good spirit. Is that possible?

Peace and love.