Bury the Dead but Remember

Today my mentor taught me something new about myself that I hadn't realized before. My desire for closure, especially in relationships, is directly correlated with my controlling nature. I just can't let go of the possibility that the failed results of a situation I was involved with could have held a different outcome had I done something different. I torture myself with it sometimes for years trying to prepare for the next opportunity to prove to myself that I can overcome. What a waste of time. I'm sure I've missed out on some great opportunities because I've been so busy thinking about myself and my failures. He was also trying to teach me to embrace myself though. I am sitting here the way I am because of everything that has happened to me in the past both good and bad. God still sees me as beautiful and valuable even if I don't. But why shouldn't I? Finally we talked about my difficulty in grasping the possibility of love coming into my life. Ideals. My ideals. They're too fitted, to perfect in design. A woman doesn't exist that fits them. I'm not talking about physical beauty so much as I am talking about emotional and rational composition on TOP of some physical attraction. It's something I've thought about before, but sometimes it just takes someone else to point out my problems in order for me to understand it.

As far as my future is concerned, both immediate and distant, I'm laying it all down. I don't trust the Lord enough to deal with my problems. I either think they're too insignificant in the face of the struggles of the universe, or I'm selfish and want to find a solution myself. Depending on how he supplies for me and responds is dependant on when I make my trip home, what I do to make money next semester, where and how I spend my money and my time.

In the face of all of this understanding all I can really think about is how incredibly young I am, but my struggles are like a pulse or like muscular pain after a difficult workout. I know I'm making progress. Peace and love.

Oh yeah. Einstein found a mathematical equation that proved the existance of God. Think I'm lying? Check it out.