Just a Dream

So I went home for a few days to help get the house ready for my perents getting back from China. I drove home all day Tuesday and worked all day Wednesday and today to get it done, but it was fun and interesting. I did some plumbing work because our toilet had sprung a leak, and I got it fixed (for now) which made me feel more like a man. I have to leave tomorrow. I never look forward to leaving when I'm home, but the cole mine calls.

Tuesday morning right before I woke up, in that state of mind where you know you're about to wake up, but not quite, I heard a voice. It was a woman's voice, very gentle, but very abrupt at the same time. I don't want to talk about what it said, other than I have been pretty discouraged for the past two days. I've been discouraged as to whether or not I should take it to heart, and if so, what does it mean for me? Maybe if it becomes more clear I might choose to elaborate, but right now I'm really just confused. So much has happened in just two days, and I've really enjoyed it. The more and more I progress in this life, the more and more I have learned to be thankful even for confusion and discouragement. I know that what challenges me now will somehow work for the good of my future. The Lord has always taken care of me even in my stubborness.

I guess I'll savor these last moments of being home before I head back to school. I always have a good deal to digest on that long car ride to Nashville. It'll be hard to sleep tonight, but go ahead and let it be hard. Just give me a good dream when I do finally fall asleep. Peace and love.

That's New

It's Sunday night, the end of the weekend. Time for me to mentaly prepare for tomorrow's work day. I'm not crazy about it, but I'll get it done, right? But the weekend was good and full of new things. Friday night we ate dinner with our lady neighbors at the house and then went bowling for a while. It's good to sometimes get away from the house with the guys and do something new. Yesterday I went with Chubbs to see a show at the French Quarter Cafe. It was French... but I forgive it. After that, we went back to the house and did a bit of a jam session both on the porch and in the practice room, followed by emptying a few rounds into some bb guns from the back porch. If that wasn't enough, we went to Cafe Coco with Stuffy to meet up with his lady Ashley who was in town with some of her co-counselors. We had a good time talking and carrying on, even though Matt and I were inquired upon as to whether or not we were "queer" by some really really gay guys. And yes, there are several stages of gay. There's the gay where you can't really tell just by looking. There's the gay where you can tell by body language. And then there's the gay that these guys were. They were almost transi gay. When I went to shake one of the guy's hands, he gave it to me as if I were going to kiss it... Obviously they didn't look at what we were wearing, otherwise they would have realized that we are sloppy, straight, very out of tune with affemanite nature, college guys. I guess it was just weird the way it happened because usually I don't mind gay guys all that much. I just don't like it when they probe at my sexual prefference.

So then this morning I ran sound at church for the first time with Matt and a guy named Dax. None of us had ever done it there before, but I feel pretty good about it. I knew my stuff well enough to not get stalled out on any of the tricky problems we faced. I'm pretty sure they'll ask us back, but again, it was just a good boost for me to see that my education actually does make me compitent in comparison to real professionals.

So now I guess I go on my rounds. Peace and love.

Today You Will Meet New People

It's been a rough couple of days lately. I haven't slept all that well for the past few nights, and on top of that, work has been a bit hectic. If I make it to tomorrow night, I'll be in good shape. It seems like the trend as of late is for me to meet lots of new people. That's what I was doing for most of the night, that is. Stuffy and I ate dinner and then went to an art exhibit at the church offices. The paintings were done by my mentor's daughter Sarah. I gotta say, they were pretty good. During that time there was much mingling. I met up with my pastor who mentioned to me that he had been in contacts with my brother-in-law Josh about church planting. I met one of my mentor's mentors, Jack. And I met an aquaintance of Stuffy's named Grace and a friend of hers named Ashley. When I got back to the house, Chubbs introduced me to the neighbors and their dogs. They have a golden retriever, so they're cool.

I don't know how much more of this heat I can take though. I just couldn't keep myself hydrated today so I started to stumble and fail at simple tasks due to partial brain failure. That's not good. I need to figure some way to keep the liquid in. I'll let you know when I figure something out. I'm really hoping for a storm tomorrow though. That would be great.

Funny how things work. I had so much that I wanted to say a little earlier. I was driving in my car and thinking to myself about all of life's humors and irony. I'm ready for bed though. I keep going back to it in full confidence, but to no avail this week. I might have to break out the sleeping pills. Actually... that doesn't sound like a half bad idea. Hope you all do well tomorrow. Don't die of heat stroke. Peace and love.

Moods

I'm in a mood right now. I don't know how to describe it so I'll do the best I can. I feel confused, maybe meloncholy, maybe heartbroken, maybe satisfied, but somehow none of those descriptions quite come together to paint how I actually feel. Am I growing? Nothing has been more certain. I was thinking tonight that maybe my growth has been inhibited for so long because I took on too much responsibility. I heard it said that being too busy is another form of lazyness. I've always been one to look at the horizon and thirst for it, to know what is there. Right now I'm thirsting more than ever. I think what is hurting me is the feeling of lonliness in my thirst. Stuffy helps me out a great deal because he struggles with similar things that I do, but not many other people in my life share their struggles anymore. I tend to blame laughter for that. It's easy to protect yourself by plugging a joke into a serious conversation and offsetting everyone else. I swear, it works like a charm and we're all really good at it. I'll grow though. What I said last night still rings clear in my head. I'm young. I don't think I have time to learn, but I do. Peace and love.

Bury the Dead but Remember

Today my mentor taught me something new about myself that I hadn't realized before. My desire for closure, especially in relationships, is directly correlated with my controlling nature. I just can't let go of the possibility that the failed results of a situation I was involved with could have held a different outcome had I done something different. I torture myself with it sometimes for years trying to prepare for the next opportunity to prove to myself that I can overcome. What a waste of time. I'm sure I've missed out on some great opportunities because I've been so busy thinking about myself and my failures. He was also trying to teach me to embrace myself though. I am sitting here the way I am because of everything that has happened to me in the past both good and bad. God still sees me as beautiful and valuable even if I don't. But why shouldn't I? Finally we talked about my difficulty in grasping the possibility of love coming into my life. Ideals. My ideals. They're too fitted, to perfect in design. A woman doesn't exist that fits them. I'm not talking about physical beauty so much as I am talking about emotional and rational composition on TOP of some physical attraction. It's something I've thought about before, but sometimes it just takes someone else to point out my problems in order for me to understand it.

As far as my future is concerned, both immediate and distant, I'm laying it all down. I don't trust the Lord enough to deal with my problems. I either think they're too insignificant in the face of the struggles of the universe, or I'm selfish and want to find a solution myself. Depending on how he supplies for me and responds is dependant on when I make my trip home, what I do to make money next semester, where and how I spend my money and my time.

In the face of all of this understanding all I can really think about is how incredibly young I am, but my struggles are like a pulse or like muscular pain after a difficult workout. I know I'm making progress. Peace and love.

Oh yeah. Einstein found a mathematical equation that proved the existance of God. Think I'm lying? Check it out.

Dreams and Reminders

I woke up this morning before I wanted to, but not because I felt tired and needed to sleep more. I actualy felt quite refreshed. My desire to keep hitting my snooze button spurred from a dream I had last night. If you ready my journal from yesterday, I wrote on how jaded I am to the idea of love. I don't feel like it's real anymore. Well... dreams are funny sometimes. I can only think that God tagged this one on my bedpost last night because it reminded me in a powerful way that it's not lost hope for me just yet. Impatience is what bothers me most... so I must learn to wait.

I'm pretty scruffy tonight, but hey, that doesn't usually last too long. My job requires that I keep well groomed, but I was pushing the envelope yesterday and today I'm over the edge. I like feeling dirty though. I feel more free... more smelly certainly, but again, more free. I realize more and more each day that I'm really not the kind of person that likes to be bound up by society. I am motivated by limitlessness (in most cases). I like doing new things too. I like new expreiences just for the sake that they are new, not even for the activity in itself. Today, for instance, I was wearing my church cloths and Matt and I decided to go to the quad and throw frisbee. A few minutes into our casual tossing, a storm developed with ground hitting lightning and heavy rains. Instead of leaving, we put our valuables in my car and just kept playing. We left drenched, but I felt satisfied because it was a new experience.

So right now I'm listening to one of my church's sermons on CD that I got today. This one is of last weeks and the other one is from today, but I've taken a liking to it. I get more of a chance to analyze what is said, to mull through it, to chew it up. I'm trying to learn to let go of my worries. I have a lot to chew this year. I might be in over my head. But when I worry and get stressed out over things that I have very little control over, I waste not just my time, but the people's around me. I give my best all the time, and considering that and considering that God has always seen to my needs, I shouldn't be too worried about what happens next year or the year after. It all works out just fine in the end.

Peace and love.

Needless Difficulty

It's about this time every year for the past several years that I encounter a bizarre heart ache. I don't want to be specific about it with you. I'm tired of sharing with other people the way I feel about it because I think sharing only makes the situation worse. I have become poetic with my expression over this matter, making it ever more hard to deal with. Why write about it then? Because I have to do something with it.

I was working today at the hotel, which is unusual because I don't generally work on Saturdays. There was some wind that they would be short handed so I volunteered, which I came to regret for more than one reason as the day progressed. To get the lesser reasons out of the way, I didn't make hardly any money at all for the amount of energy I exerted, but more than that were the thoughts that I happened upon while working. There was a wedding reception that the hotel was going nuts for in attempts to be in order once the many guests arrived. I was on the ramp waiting for cars when I was called to help carry flowers inside to the ballroom where the reception was going to be held. When I got there, the atmosphere was already set with music and decor all depicting romance. When I went back downstairs I saw the bride and groom come in the front doors sill dressed in their wedding cloths. It reminded me of my sister's wedding except for the bride and groom being younger than I. I felt sorry for them for that. I hope they are prepared for the challenges that will come their way at such a young age. But the atmosphere was that of love and commitment which got me to thinking. Every day I feel more and more distant from such a thing ever coming in to my life. It feels like a fairy tale to me. I can't imagine someone who could understand me nor have I ever met a girl who has cared to care for me longer than a few months. Beyond that, I envision a passion by which I cannot sacrifice for less. I wouldn't want to be in love if love turned out not to be the passion I hoped for. And more and more each day, not only do I feel like there's not a girl out there who could feel that way for me, but I don't even feel like I could care for someone else like that. I used to think I had something to give, but not so much anymore. So I look at the situation. Is it me or is it society? I think it's a bit of both. I'm more selfish than I'm even aware of but society is pretty effed up too. I can't even meet girls anymore. Today you have to have a damn good reason to just walk up to a girl and say "hello" or else you're liable to get maced in the eyes. And then you say hello. Well... if at that point they haven't mistaken your communication as "let's get married" and in turn been scared away or way overly interested, then it STILL is all up to you to make all of the moves and work everything out.

That doesn't interest me at all anymore. Do girls exist that don't like to make a guy suffer to win their favor?

Enough of my yammering on that. There's plenty more resting on my mind than just that. For instance, how am I going to survive next year? Not only am I taking crazy loads of class in order to graduate on time, but I'm taking Calculus (the class I dropped last semester because I was failing it) on top of physics, I'm working to pay for rent off campus, I'm the president of a fraternity, and I want to get more involved with my church. I'm trying to figure out how all of this is going to work and I just get all bent out of shape thinking about it. I know God has a great way of working these things out, but how much is He expecting me to do on my own. He doesn't just expect me to be stupid for the rest of my life because He's worked everything out to where I don't even have to apply myself anymore, does He? So how much effort is this going to take? Where is my breaking point? And lastly, Why?

I feel so shallow asking questions like that. In my depths I know why, but I still ask. I just, for once, want to feel like I'm not under the gun. I want to know that I'm working at a good pace and that I'm doing a good job. I want comfort in prideless confidence while still meeting challenge in good spirit. Is that possible?

Peace and love.

Health

I gotta get healthy, not just physically, but all the way around. I'm tired of being uninterested and uninvolved. I'm tired of feeling tired all of the time. I don't want to waste my time being selfish. Who ever gained satisfaction by pleasing themselves all of the time? I have these next few weeks to prepare for next year and I can either take that time and use it wisely or I can waste it and pay later.

But as we all know, I'm a big talker. Let's see if I can hold to it.

Peace and love.

What Next?

Tonight I feel unsettled, like a bottle rocket or a loose cannon. I'm at the edge of finishing this worship project and I can't say that I'm %100 satisfied with my work, but considering how much time was spent on it, it's not too bad. Seems like my life is filling up these days with all sorts of different activities which I can't really complain about, it's just that sometimes I wish someone would drink me or maybe spill me or something metaphorical like that. I find in my reflections that I'm a very uncontent individual. I never feel like what I do is good enough nor where I am in my life. It's always that one step higher that I just can't reach. The first person I pick out in a crowd is the one more achieved than I. That's why, I think, rejection hurts so bad. It's because it's so hard for me to find value in myself. And what's more is my not being able to find my value in other people. I can be told that I'm great at something, but if I don't see it, it's not there. A mindset like that makes life hard. It sets limits on the relationships you have with others and it makes it hard to start new ones. What keeps me going? The hope that I'll find it someday. I might find my niche in the wheel sorta like I did my senior year in high school. I tried every sport there was and finally my senior year I ended up swimming and I was really good at it and I felt good about it. Music used to be my thing. I felt good about it and others made me feel good about it too. Here, it's different. I haven't really found that thing that sets me apart from everyone else because here we all are the same. And what I am seems simple for now. I'm a white, 22 year old, averagely intelligent, single male college student. I usually don't eat breakfast. I have a morning job that makes slow money. My car is standard but it works and at least I have one. My cloths are a little worn and old, but I've never really given fasion much thought. I've been around the world and seen crazy things, but no one my age really seems to care when I talk about. Only people who have been around the world understand.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'll get out of here some day. For now I'll just do my job as a student and an employee. Maybe I'm not supposed to find it yet, and if that's what's going to keep my life interesting, then so be it. I guess life would suck pretty bad if I got what I wanted whenever I wanted it. Peace and love.

An Age Without Technology

And by age, I mean a week. My computer has been over at the house for the past week, which is where I am right now. The reason being is because I've been recording an entire album for my parents' trip to China in a few days. It's been hard work, but good in ways too. I've never sat down and worked on an entire album before, especially not while working two jobs and taking class. I only wish I had more time to spend on it to perfect it, but I don't posess that kind of time. For the most part, the project has kept me at an even keel. If I have too much time to myself, I start getting too introspective and self destructive which then steals my motivation to do anything, forcing me into a cycle of lazyness. I have enough important things to think about as it is WITHOUT considering all of the little things that are wrong with me. My job, for one, is in question. I like this job a great deal, and I'm getting pretty good at it, but the problem is that I haven't been making above minimum wage for the past two weeks. If that doesn't change soon I'm going to have to find a new job. I can't work for that kind of money. I'll probably just have to grin and get a table job. I'm giving it this one last week though before I make any rough decisions. Remember, I need a job that can support me through next year. We'll see.

My car has been giving me trouble this week, but it has slowed down a little bit. The damage has disappeared for now. I can only pray that it stays that way. I'm going to have to get that exhaust fixed though. My car sounds like a lawnmower.

I always write choppy sentences when I start to get tired. I think I'm sleeping here at the house tonight even though I don't really have anything to wear for church tomorrow. I don't go to a picky church though. They don't really seem to care WHAT people wear just as long as it's covering the essentials. Anyways, I just don't feel like making the trip back to the apartment. This way I save money on gas.

I'll be meeting with my mentor this week. That'll be interesting getting to know a new person all of the sudden. One of the things I realized when I started working my new job is that my social skills aren't as keen as I thought they were. I'm really comfortable here in the college setting, so I tend to be fairly smooth and relaxed in social settings, but outside of that, I'm a complete geek. I never trust what words will come out of my mouth and in what order. I was reading an article in the paper the other day and it said that such lacking communication skills are common among my generation and the rising generations due to increased technology which limits face to face interaction. I can see that. AIM is partly to blame, they say, because improvisation is no longer a necessary speech tool. You have time to read over someone else's response before you reply in turn. Usually I can carry a pretty good conversation in type, but when I'm face to face with someone, I just can't spit out the right words fast enough, so I can see some truth to the article.

Sleep time now. Peace and love.

Cranky

I've had a rough day, not because of circumstances, but because of my attitude. I'm feeling really negative right now due to the usual external factors of sleeplessness and business. Work passed by pretty fast, but then I started on the album I'm working on again, and I got soooo agrivated. I haven't gotten to do much sitting down today to just breath and I probably won't get to. It just seems like nothing is working and I'm slowly getting more and more sloppy. I've been pacing and pensive all day long. I don't think this venting is helping me. Peace and love.

Those Were Squirrels, NOT Small Dogs

To most people, they're cute and fuzzy with a big bushy tail... but to me... they are the enemy. Will I break for a squirrel when it wanders out into the street as my car fastly approaches? Certainly. Neither of us have any claim over that domain. We are, in fact, very much alike, trying to get from one place to another, however, these rules change in the face of certain circumstances. The time? 6:22am on a Sunday morning. When must I wake for church? 9:30am. Two hours and eight minutes being stolen from my slumber is UNACCEPTABLE! Mitch, Stuffy, and I all had the strangest dream around that hour that something huge was being kept in the attic. For Mitch and I it was a dog. We awoke realizing that there was indeed somethingS in the attic completely disrespecting the ceremonial sleeping habbits of the college aged male. The line had been crossed. Both Mitch and I had previously contemplated the purchasing of air rifles at the start of summer... but there were more pressing matters at hand, bills, bills, and more bills. Priorities, though, tend to change when the sanctimonious practice of sleep is trampled upon, and after church today, we went out and brandished two new firearms and enough ammo for the neighborhood. See, the reason I was over there in the first place is because I have been working on a worship project to send with my parents on their mission trip, but with rodents scurrying around in the attic, the recording doesn't quite turn out as desired. In short, THESE SQUIRRELS ARE INTERFERRING WITH GOD'S WORK, and this being so, Mitch and I have been deemed the righteous hammer of God to fall upon the brow of the hethen squirrel, that they might find penitence before they perish at our mighty right hands. Not only that, but their hides shall be skinned and mounted as a testimony for all of squirrel kind that FREEDOM will always reign and TERRORISM is stupid!

Having vented my agression... I shall continue further. For some reason I am easily irritated by things that really shouldn't bother me. I get really defensive. One of the big ones is when people touch me when I'm not expecting it. It makes the hair on my neck stand up, and I really shouldn't be bothered that much by it. I think maybe I developed that when I was younger and my older brother would play rough with me. He didn't know his own strength and sometimes he would end up hurting me, so I learned to defend myself at the very get-go. I guess it just stuck with me because whenever someone grabs me unexpectedly or slaps me or anything of that nature, my first instinct is to hit back, but harder. Granted, I generally don't hit back as much as I used to, but I sometimes still do. I've never, nor would I ever, hit a girl... unless... she were hitting me counting on the fact that I wouldn't hit her back... maybe then I would ACT like I was going to, but then be like "haha, just kidding." Only she probably wouldn't think that was funny because she's not a guy and guys think that kind of stuff is funny. Anyways... I think I just need to calm down and stop getting so defensive about stuff that doesn't really matter.

Well... looks like my duty shift is over. I'm gunna go shower and then maybe read before bed. It'll be an early start though, seeing as those squirrels at the house are going to wake up to a bit of a surprise. Who wants a squirrel skinned cap?

Peace and love (except for the squirrels... they can die.)

Under Pressure

Work had me pretty stressed out today. I try to go in with a positive mindset, but some days it is easier to divert my attentions than others. It seemed like a theme in place for my today labors. Both of my jobs sent me on a wild goose chase doing something very uncommon with very poor communication. Now usually I'm fairly inward with my agressions towards such matters. It's similar to letting the air out of a balloon. I generally poke a hole near the knot and let the pressure eek out over a long period of time without making any noise. I'm not the explosive type (usually... I can't say 'never'). Today, however, I did that annoying thing where you pinch the lip of the balloon and it squeals all of the air out. I didn't get too angry, but I did vent. This kind of action usually comes about due to an inner conflict. I have two competing sides. The first side is my desire for an honorable lifestyle. I think to myself "take and complete whatever is given you without complaning and you will end up in the gain." The other side is my desire for personal justice (which I name the antagonist). That side says "Don't let them step all over you like some pawn. Stand up for yourself. Don't be taken advantage of." When these two chemicals combine, it forms an explosive gas that builds up pressure and must be releived (not by farting... usually).

Wow, it just started raining. I wonder if I can leave my window open or if I'll get everything in my room wet. I think it's time for a scientific experiment.

The good news for tomorrow is that it's my last day of work until Tuesday. I'm thrilled and exhausted at the same time. I need to make more money than I am right now, but hopefully business will pick up. It helps keep my mind occupied allowing for the time to pass more speedily. Have a nice tomorrow (or today depending). Peace and Love.