To My Understanding

In light of recent situations, I felt compelled to rummage through some of my old journals today. I wanted to better understand the people around me, so I thought what better way to understand them than to first understand myself. It is all about the focal point. Where do your eyes rest at the end of the day? Last year I had an unwarrented stint of depression that did last the majority of that year. As depression and dealing with others has been the recent issue, I decided to look back on my journal entries to try and understand my train of thought. I can't believe how much I have changed since then. It is phenomenal the difference of who I was at the beginning of last year and who I am now.

But what did I learn? Well, composition wise, I had very well developed composition when I first started. I was speaking to an audience where as now I tend to write as if I were simply thinking to myself. The focal point was different as well. Then I tended to write more about interesting aspects of the day. Thoughts of wisdom were also a regular topic of conversation, and rarely did I ever get emotional and divulge my secrets to the open air. And then came the episode that furled me into a lowly state. My entries began to turn from a source of information to others to an emotional spillway for me. I no longer cared about what people read just as long as I got to speak my mind. I focused on what bothered me and who. I began to break simple rules in public writing like not revealing information about third parties and so on and so forth. At the end of the day I focused on my weaknesses and for the longest time I allowed that to rule my way of life.

Now what I would like to say, and until I read through these journals I was convinced of, is that I am fully recovered from that. This is not true. The war may have subsided and become memory, but just as Russia spent decades in attempts to recover from World War II, so I am still rebuilding from all the self-inflicted damage incurred from last years episode.

What differences do I see? I see myself as more hardened. I am more poised, alert, and defensive when dealing with the company of women. At the same time, I have little fear of injury and am more likely to act upon simple interests instead of thinking them through as I did before. I am jaded, but I see that as more of a result of my working position than my private emotional life. My morality has suffered and I make allowance for things which I scorned before. I made the mistake of catagorizing them as big and small. Small things won't hurt... but any experienced human being knows that small allowances lead to larger ones. I allowed for society to whisper into my ear that only shallow people strive for purity.

What keeps me hopeful? Though some bad has come of it, I see this time as essential in my life. I must learn these boundaries. I am the fool that can be told that an iron is hot, but in my view that is not knowledge. It is only knowledge by the experience of touching that hot iron and feeling it burn my skin. I am not sorry for being this way except for the ones who worry about me. I can understand that it is not easy to watch a friend or family member juggle knives, but if that is how strength and passage are finalized then God be with you. But then I have also made this assesment. The ones before us who guide us through were here before, just as we are. And just as sure as they lost their baby teeth, they went through these woods and tripped over a few roots along the way. Unfortunately, though they can teach by experience to an extent, the woods must be traveled alone, only unlike them, I am blessed in that I see where this all leads for me, and I am not afraid.

Now I shall go and watch the Panthers fight against the Seahawks. Peace and love.